Yep, as the title says, I have spectacularly failed. After 30 days of staying strong, being gamble free and feeling good, I've been sucked in once again. The blocks I thought I had in place didn't work and that feeling of hopelessness has once again reared its ugly head.
So I've done what I need to. The missus is away tonight, gonna have to tell her tomorrow and hope that we're able to stick together. I really think she'd be better off without me at this point, but I'm gonna do everything I can do to make it better again.
I feel I have learnt something about my triggers though. As I mentioned in my previous post, I had an argument with my girlfriend at the weekend. We have a great relationship and have only ever argued about the fact I'm pretty crappy at helping out around the house (hands up I don't do enough) and that's what this argument was basically about. But it was different this time. She was angrier, more aggressive than she has been with me before. I picked up on the resentment she has towards me because of the secrecy and the debt I have gotten myself into, and to be honest I don't blame her at all. But it reminded me of my previous relationship, which was a bad time in my life and was around the time I started gambling and first experienced gambling at levels I knew I was uncomfortable with. She would scream at me, call me every name you can imagine. And I'm starting to think that this was why I started to gamble the way I have been. To be clear this isn't what my current relationship is like now. My girlfriend is caring, supportive and genuinely the best friend I've ever had. But when she screamed at me the way she did, I was taken back to the way I used to be made to feel on a regular basis. And from the next day, my urges to gamble had come back and I foolishly gave in to it.
This isn't a boo hoo story, far from it. One of the things I've always said is that I'm responsible for the actions I've taken. It isn't her fault at all that I've done what I've done, but I think now I understand why I've done it. I hope that will help in the future in recognising when I'm at risk of relapsing again and to be more proactive about it.
But now, it's back to day one. I'll tell her what happened tomorrow, hopefully she'll be able to forgive me. I've had so many times where I've said "never again" but my most recent abstinence had felt different and I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in myself for what I've done. This is a lesson I really need to learn from.
Hi cg-rambling it's a learning curve and if you've recognised things that's good. Does your gf seek support? It's a tough road living with a compulsive gambler. I couldn't do it without meetings. I'm also having counselling to deal with things. Don't forget this has major effect on her. We have to learn to let go and live just for today.
She isn't currently, I don't really know what to suggest for her to do or who to see, who do you go to for counselling?
I don't even really feel that bad about the money, I feel awful because this time I thought it was different and that she could feel good about me and unfortunately I've really let her down again. Just don't know how I'm gonna tell her
Hi
Sorry to hear about the relapse, particularly because you have seemed so positive and have been really active trying to support so many others on here.
I know it is not going to be pleasant but don't think you can do much more than sit her down and tell her the full truth again about your latest gambling. You say that it was partly the secrecy which caused the previous resentment so holding anything back is not going to improve things as everything has a way of coming out eventually. You are not sure if she will want to stay with you so you are going to have to explain how things will be different this time - what further controls/blocks are you going to put in place?
Good luck, you seem to really want to do this and put the effort in so don't give up, just dig that bit deeper. You know you can do this.
Muststop123
Thanks MS, thats a really kind comment.
To be honest I feel really stupid and embarassed this time. As you say, I was actually feeling good and positive for the first time about this. Just gotta get back on it. I'll just get back on the horse and continue to engage with you wonderful people!
cg rambler
From what I have seen you write on various posts. You are quite a "switched on" person. Being almost "clinical" in realising the issue you have? You may also in turn look back as the "lapse" as breing a "watershed" moment for you?
Irrespective of whther you have spoken to your gf yet. I have no advice to give you, even having been in a similar situation. As only you know the dynamics of your relationship and how might be best to approach things.
But sorry to say and now doubt you are aware of. You have an uneveniable problem to deal with. A betrayal of trust that might take some time to resolve with no "quick fixs"? Could even be that you need to view the issue as a number of different hurdles to overcome. As in the immediate one of speaking with your gf on the matter. Then how you intend to address your cg and rebuild your relationship long term? ,
Sorry to hear that mate,only one thing to do though is yes tell your girlfriend and hope she will support you,I'm sure she will if she is the caring person you said she was and to just take it one day at a time again mate.all the best.
Thank you all for your replies. just goes to show why this forum is such a valuable resource to us all for helping overcome our addictions.I'll figure out what to say to her and will accept any consequences that arise from it.
No time to feel sorry for myself, time to dust myself off and prove I can do it!
Hi cg-rambler your gf can ring the gamcare number and talk to someone. She can also look at gamanon. There are meetings and I think they have live chat Sunday evenings.
Thanks merry go round I will suggest that to her
I hope it all works out for you both. I am back to day one and determined as hell after completely shocking myself this last week and doing something I've never ever done which is reversing everything I won (double what I deposited) and losing the d**n lot. I now know I can't be an occasional gambler any more which is what I have been. This stops now! I wish you all the best x
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