feeling angry

Hi jw 1976

..."But most of all I'm angry at myself for getting into this mess again"... This is the only one that should concern you, and this anger will pass. You have every right to be angry with yourself, but try not to beat yourself up too much.

Try not to be angry with your partner. If the roles were reversed in my situation, I still don't know how I would have reacted. The loved ones of a gambler can go thru sheer hell sometimes.

re your debts. As you can't consolidate, I would suggest paying the minimum amount that you have to on the larger loans. Concentrate on the smaller ones. That way you will be able to see the progress you are making on repaying your debt much quicker.

Best wishes

Thankyou for reply wal1957. Iv been numb to it all but today I'm just so angry. Its a bad time of year for me as it's the anniversary of losing my mam and even though she's no longer here I still feel like I'm letting her down. Thank you for ur advice on my finances hun. I got myself into thousands of debt many years ago through gambling but dealt with it. Iv had the gambling under control for about a year and a half but I guess I'll never learn. Iv gone round in circles with payday loans for months now and can't get anymore or credit from anywhere else. I have made arrangements with them and have the interest frozen so it should take me less than a year to get back on track. That's not bad in comparison to others on here or where I was I know, but I'm still ashamed and iv still wrecked my credit score. Again!!. I know your right about my partner. I just wonder sometimes if our relationship is actually part of my problem. I do love him and we have kids but almost daily he tells me I am worthless. He won't let me forget the terrible things I did when my gambling was at its worst. My family know about my problems but he threatens almost daily to tell his parents knowing that would kill me. He has problems of his own but it seems it's only mine that cause problems with us!! Sorry for droning on. I'm having a really bad day as u can tell!!! X

Hi jw1976

Anniversaries of losing loved ones can be very difficult times for all. I hope you have support that you can call on if you need it.

Good to hear that you have made arrangements re your debts.

Your husband is obviously labouring on your past misdeeds, which he has every right to. However, he is not helping you with his demeaning attitude. It won't help him either. I think it is okay for a partner of an ex gambler to be mistrustful, and sometimes resentful of what the gambler has done, but not to the point which your husband has reached. It's just plain not healthy for either of you.

Have you attended GA at all? Has he been to a GAMANON meeting. I think that both of you would benefit from these meetings. He would gain an insight and understanding that he appears to be lacking at the moment. A gambler in recovery has enough self esteem issues without being told that they are worthless.

Stay in touch, plenty of support available here.

Best wishes

Thanku Nt, that is very sound advice. It's just so hard isn't it when gambling is EVERYWHERE!. It will be us having the last laugh tho, when we are finally done with it.

Wal1957, Thankyou for such a thoughtful reply. We haven't attended any gambling counselling mainly because of work commitments and the kids. At the time, he did join these forums but said all it did was try to justify our behaviour which he can never excuse!.
We did go to relate at one point, and the counsellor even told him he couldn't continue to throw it back at me and treat me as he does. Things improved for a while but everytime he is stressed (daily!) he uses me as a verbal punchbag.
I know the relationship isn't healthy but I do love him and bcos I feel so hateful in myself I feel it's my punishment. Where does it end tho? Do I have to suffer forever more?. Ideally we need a break from each other, but the mortgage is in his name. He won't leave and I have nowhere at all to go with the kids and no money to rent privately. Everything feels like such a mess but I know this is the start if my recovery and I'll get there. Thanku so much for ur support and excusing my rants! X

Hi jw1976

Rants are good for the soul. No apology necessary. 🙂

I can honestly say that of the posts I have read, in at least 95% of them, I read no attempt at justification. For a gambler to attempt to justify only proves that he/she is not getting the message. It is his /her fault, the gambler has to accept responsibility and get off his /her backside to address the issue. That was my rant! 🙂

I can't see how he feels that justification is used in these posts. Maybe he went in with a preconceived idea that we would use justification and his bias has led him to that conclusion?

Maybe another round of counselling sessions would help. You said that things did improve for a while after your previous sessions. As I said in the earlier post, it is not healthy for either of you. He needs help to get over his resentment (which is understandable). It really would benefit him to attend some Gamanon meetings, they would be able to help him voice his feelings and point him in the right direction. Knowing that he is not the only person that is going thru this, and that he has support if needed should ease his anger.

Everything feels like a mess at the start. Take it easy, don't rush things.( This doesn't mean that you sit on your backside 🙂 ) Every day you don't gamble is a good day, and the good days do add up.

Best wishes

I have just saw this reply and once again u have very wise words. I wish I could get him to a GA meeting! He refused point blank saying why should he when I'm the one with the problem. I see his point but if he can't give me some form of acceptance I have no idea how we can survive x

Hi jw1976

..."He refused point blank saying why should he when I'm the one with the problem."

Unfortunately he is looking at this situation with blinkers on. Yes, you do have a problem, which you are addressing. He is resentful and washing his hands of the issue. " ...you fix it"

He will have to address his resentfullness for the relationship to continue. This is his problem.

I feel he would definitely benefit by talking to a counsellor. Getting it all 'off his chest'. That is his call however. If you continue on your path to recovery, hopefully he will come to realise that you are genuine by your actions. His attitude may well then change for the better.

Best wishes

I did manage a good year and a half without gambling but I have proved him right that I will never change. Things weren't any better really when I wasn't and it was constantly thrown in my face. I see no hope for us, it's so hard but deep down I still love him. I don't have the finances to walk away either and he refuses too. I'm physically drained at the constant abuse. It seems like my life is over and there is no way out x

Hi jw1976

I know a couple from here in Australia who are in a similar position you find yourselves in. Albeit not as bad as what you are currently experiencing.

As you say, you had previously quit for 18 months and there was no change in his resentment. The only way forward as I see it is for him to address his resentment. The couple I mentioned both attend GA and Gamanon, and both have been thru counselling. Yes she does remind him of his gambling days on occasion, the odd remark here and there, a reminder that if only he hadn't gambled they could etc. etc., but not in the spiteful manner that you have it thrown in your face.

Counselling would still seem to me to be the best avenue. Sorry I can't think of anything else for you. Hopefully other members will have some ideas that may help.

Take care, and keep smiling 🙂

Thanku wal1957 for ur kind words and advice. Time will tell if he's willing to go to counselling but I know for sure once Im back on my feet after this last episode I won't be letting him bully me the way he does. Part of me knows I deserve punishing but I think iv served my time now. I can't be punished forever x