I have been reflecting a bit over the past week, wondering who I am, and why after 11 plus years of not gambling I find myself on this site chatting to others. Is it to offer advice, is it to reaffirm what I am doing or is it that I just realise what I am, and what I always will be, a compulsive gambler. I can't watch any sporting event without needing to predict a winner, I can't watch a roulette wheel on a film without hoping the ball lands on one of my old combinations I cant watch a poker game without shouting at the screen to go all in. I'm a gambler, I always will be, this beast inside me is always hungry, but if I feed it, it will demand more than it's ever had from me. If I allow myself that one tiny bet, 50 pence or a pound, that dam bursts open. I know it, I can feel those emotions stir, as I did in the world cup. So why am I here, temporary consumed again by a forum. And then I realised, I needed to reset myself. Give myself a bit of first aid and be kind to myself while I reset my emotions, thank you for allowing me to do that, 11 years or 1 day, we are the same, compulsive gamblers trying to make a better life for ourselves. It's a pleasure meeting you.
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new to this so don’t know where to write.Â
I have been on here a week now, reading everyone’s stories & it hit home to me. I had been gambling every day for 3 years. I am 40 years old. I never even thought about gambling before this.  I gambled till I had no money left even if I won big I would just play till it was all gone.  I would spend all my wages on it after my bills were paid. I wound then lie to borrow money, get loans to gamble, lock myself in a room for days to gamble, wake up in the middle of the night and place bets. I won big last week then the next day lost it all, & then my own money, trying to win it back. Gambling had taken control of my life for the past 3 years & I finally come clean to my partner & broke down. I am now blocked for all sites online thanks to contacting gamcare. Bookmakers was never a problem as never went in them but online gambling pulled me in without me realising I had got myself an addiction.  I decided enough was enough, as the money lost over the years I could have nearly paid a house off.  It’s only been a short time of me not gambling but I never thought it would be this hard as obviously my days was filled with gambling at home & work. I keep myself busy & if I get that urge in my brain telling me to gamble I come on here & read stories for half hour & then that urge has gone. New year new start, save money, enjoy holidays with my partner & my family. Crazy how I would always moan about how much that or this cost but would spend grands gambling. Makes me feel sick even thinking about it.  I will never give them bloodsucking companies another pound. Gambling put me though hell not just with money, or my self respect but the lies I would tell just so I could gamble. Gambling companies I can say I am done with you. I thought to myself life is to short wasting your time doing this, gambling would make me feel ill & the thoughts that went through my head I never want to fill them again. Worse addiction gambling is. The silent killer.Â
So realistic with the example you gave. The beast inside is waiting but in order to kill it one has to starve it.
Im almost a month gamble free now. Its boxing day i have spent the last hour predicting which horses will win. I havent had a bet but today would have been a full day of bets for me. Im sat watching mary poppins dreaming of having a bet. I wont have a bet but this never goes away its a mind battle. One bet can lead to life destruction. Its like a battle with own mind but i will not give in to it so logged on to here to remind myself of the bigger picture
Im almost a month gamble free now. Its boxing day i have spent the last hour predicting which horses will win. I havent had a bet but today would have been a full day of bets for me. Im sat watching mary poppins dreaming of having a bet. I wont have a bet but this never goes away its a mind battle. One bet can lead to life destruction. Its like a battle with own mind but i will not give in to it so logged on to here to remind myself of the bigger picture
@spottydog a month is great. I'm on Mary Poppins too. Be careful out there my friend, watching the horses and planning bets fans the flames.
Why would you want to brand yourself as a gambler? Why not an intense learner of things instead? I do not like to give my mind a brand because I restrict myself when it associates with that brand. I could never be rich because,,, I will always blow it because,,, I am a looser because. It goes on and on and you are actually telling your subconscious to feed you more of the same stuff your feeding it with. Why do that? Your subconscious is the most powerful tool you have (because it keeps you breathing) It can not differ between positive and negative and it is there to protect you and to give you pleasure if you want to believe the experts. If you want more things happening in your life surely they should not be negative ones but positive? Â
Yes but... you may be thinking at this point now here is the thing. The more you feed your subconscious be it positive or negative the more of the same you will get back so start by rebranding yourself to something else wich is less restrictive because it is all about how you see yourself in general and I am not saying that it is not ok to be depressed and have self loathing etc, but that can be treated by professionals and you can get better from it. It takes work and a shift of personal state but it does change when you work on those things so start that journey now and you will see it.
I wish you well
Best
C
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@c43h I brand myself as a gambler because I go to gamblers anonymous. Am I turning up for the wrong meeting after all these years and introducing myself as a compulsive gambler. I want to remember myself as a gambler, it has kept me from gambling for 11 plus years. I am not depressed, nor negative in my approach to life. I am simply sharing a thought. I live a very positive life, I am semi retired, an author of a number of published crime novels, work in the middle east when I choose to, coach and mentor young people and teach foreign children to speak English. i am neither rich or poor but enjoy my lifestyle and the things it allows me to have since I stopped wasting my cash. I think my way has suited me okay so far. But we are all different I guess.
Thats great! I wish well. As you said we are all different and cope with this best way we can. GA has worked very well for many and should be explored as we all need a good team to deal with the problem. I went down the therapist path myself so I now do hypnotherapy. That is why I ramble on about the subconscious mind in my posts.
Best
C
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