Lapsed and need support please

Hi Alannah, welcome back to the Forum; I remember speaking to you previously.

I am sorry it isn't in better circumstances my friend, but you can take some positives from this situation.

I received an unexpected bonus at work about a year ago; it sounds very strange, but I didn't like the feelings it brought out of me - the sensations, the emotions that you get with "free", or unexpected money, aren't one's that I wish to touch upon again. I almost felt like giving it back, as strange as it sounds.

Yours wasn't quite the same, but it triggered something off in you my friend; it led to a moment where all your effort and hard work went completely out of the window. Sometimes it is just better to put it straight into an account where you can't access it for at least a month, no matter how much you need it.

This doesn't have to be the end of the world, or a backwards step, if you learn from where you went wrong and not make the same mistake again my friend - something led you to that point where you started again; there was some emotion, dark feeling or a resignation to your fate - something within you let it happen; I was there, a million times over, before I stopped over five years ago - there were times when I felt terrible, awful; I was desperate to play, desperate to escape - but how long does that desperation last? How long do dark clouds hang over you? They pass, even if they last all day - tomorrow is almost always better; whatever it takes, you have to make sure you get there without making a mistake - the bottom line is that, however strong the urge is, nothing is worth how you are feeling now, nothing is worth the long-term damage and after-effects.

I am sorry that things didn't work out with your partner again my friend - I know you spoke of him before and you thought you would be better off without him; things rarely improve after a bad relationship, and he proved his true colours for the umpteenth time. You are a decent, intelligent, caring person my friend - you don't deserve to be treated that way; there is someone out there who will be everything you want and more; as I said before, you are 47, which is relatively young in this day and age - you have time, and you have many things going for you.

I had a fear of going broke too - but now, since I stopped, I realize that money can only do so much for you; you can only drink and eat so much in one day, there is only so much time you can get off of work, there is only so many things that you really, truly want in life. Most of the new things I do since stopping cost little or no money - charity work, hiking, writing, singing - I still have debt that I am paying off but I am used to the constriction; it would have been awful when I was still gambling but now, it just doesn't really matter. If you stopped long-term, you would be very likely to feel the same way my friend.

The one thing I had to do when I stopped was accept that I am normal, and that I am going to have good and bad days like everyone else. I suffered great tragedy in my first year of stopping; I honestly thought I was being "tested", but I ploughed on, even though I still thought about gambling a great deal, and boy, I really needed an escape. But then, as things invariably do, life got better, and it became much easier to "ride the storm" the longer I went without gambling - it does - I am so emotionally distant from it now that I feel those acts were committed by another person.

It will get better, it can get better, and you can make it better my friend, but you must get better at "riding the storm" - you can't switch off, you can't let your emotions get the best of you if you are having a bad day; remember this time, remember how you feel right now; don't let it go, hang onto it - make sure you relive it, over and over and over in your mind if you have to, if you feel tempted. Nothing is worth the way you feel now my friend, no winnings, no thrills, no nothing; nothing is worth what you are going through.

Remember what you learned to get you to this point - you were doing really well and you should be proud of yourself - remember what worked and what didn't - take it on board, use it if the same situation arises again.

I wish you well my friend - you have every chance of getting through this, once and for all, if you keep working at it and keep making progress; don't let this experience be for nothing, as that truly would be tragic, and you would be doing just another cycle of this vicious circle.

JamesP

Thank you so much for your reply James.

Yesterday was such a bad day and it was very hard to sit with the feelings.

Between the devastation of losing the money and the destruction of what this last slip has done to me emotionally and then missing my ex.

You are so right in what you say that 'however strong the urge is, nothing is worth how you are feeling now, nothing is worth the long-term damage and after-effects', and I am going to try my best to hold on to that.

The other point you made also about 'money can only do so much for you; you can only drink and eat so much in one day etc' has really helped me too, thank you! It's given me a new perspective on things which is what I've needed.

I know I need to let that money go and hard as it is, start over again.

JamesP has been a big blessing to the gamcare forum. Another comprehensive reply. I have been following JamesP responses to others for a long time and its been very helpful to me.

For some reason JamesP comes across as Andy Dufresne(Tim Robbins) from Shawshank Redemption. I mean this as a compliment.

Thank you for assisting all JamesP

You are enormously kind Got2Again, and I am genuinely very grateful for your words, thank you.

I hope your own recovery is going well my friend. A great phrase that GA use is "The person who has given up the longest, is the first one who woke this morning" - I have always been very fond of that saying, because it reflects what I feel - that I am no better than anyone else on this Forum and that we are all in this together, fighting the good fight.

Thank you again, it means more than you know.

JamesP

You are hugely welcome Alannah, no problem at all; I hope today is a better day for you my friend.

Someone asked me, very recently, what has been the most valuable thing you have learnt since stopping gambling? When I first came here, seven years ago, I was struck by the fact that this affliction affected just about anyone of any age, background, creed or colour, but there are some aspects that almost everyone has in common, and the most prevalent one is emotional vulnerability/sensitivity.

I learned that I needed to give myself breathing space mentally; if life was getting me down, or there were ongoing problems, then I had to learn to resolve the problem without resorting to self-destructive behaviour, like gambling. If this happens, I literally take myself away for a few hours - I jump on the train, go somewhere random and remote, like a deserted beach, fields or woodland, and just walk and think; it is very hard to cope and think clearly with all the reminders of what you are going through (which was your ex, in your case) around you, so the best thing you can do is take yourself out of the equation, and give yourself space to relax, walk and think things through.

I couldn’t recommend it more. You and I are normal people, and normal people seek an outlet for life’s trials and tribulations like anyone else - what we have to do is find a routine that works best for us; for me, it is what I have mentioned here, and it may well work for you too my friend.

The answers are out there my friend. A lady came here some years ago, convinced she would never be able to stop, and then she took up competitive swimming which, in her own words, gave her “more than gambling ever could”; last I heard, she had stopped for over six years. It is all about what works best for you my friend.

Don’t think of starting over again my friend; it doesn’t have to be that way if you take this on board and learn from where you went wrong last time - I have an intense dislike of the phrase “Day 1”; it can’t be “Day 1” if you have already tried, it should be “Part Two”

JamesP