Hi, firstly I'll just provide a bit of background, I am just another example of someone who's whole adulthood has been destroyed and ruined due to gambling addiction. I am now 1 year away from being 40 and I fear it's now too late to live the life I want. My gambling destroyed my previous relationship which was now many years ago, along with any chances of a normal stable family now or in the future. My never ending debts and declining mental health due to the effects of my gambling, makes my future seem hopeless. I am living with my parents with debts still to pay off, no car, not a very good job in terms of income or satisfaction, bad mental health, and over the years I've slowly but surely lost contact with any friends I had. I have also lost all my self esteem and confidence and often feel depressed with no motivation. All of this makes any kind of relationship impossible and makes my future seem hopeless. I just don't see any solution to my problems, even if I stopped gambling.
Here's the thing, although my situation makes me feel suicidal on occasions, I simply wouldn't be able to put my parents through that. All this makes me feel so trapped and stuck. Despite all this, I do still have the tiniest bit of hope that one day, I will be in a better situation in terms of moving forward in my life. A normal happy family of my own however seems very unlikely as I will soon be in my 40s and my current situation is awful.
I hate seeing any pictures of myself in my younger days as I see a completely different person to the person I am today. I was young and carefree, motivated and optimistic about the future with energy in abundance, I looked far happier and was confident and popular, I just loved life. Unfortunately none of these things are the case anymore.Â
Before lockdown I was in a position where I still had all of the issues already identified, however I hadn't gambled for a while and was beginning to very slowly pay off debts. Did I feel any better? I'm honestly not sure if I did or not but I did have a routine which didn't involve gambling. As lockdown went on, I don't know why, maybe boredom, but I just gave in to my thoughts and thought I'd have a gamble on one of those live casino gameshows. I didn't know much about it but I won from my 1st deposit. From that moment on I couldn't stop playing it. Loss after loss after loss until I had lost all my wages and any money I had from my period without gambling. Therefore I have no money to pay towards my debts this month, housekeeping, or for anything else. Luckily I cannot take on any more debt. The problem I have is that if I could have just stopped after the big win, I could have nearly cleared my debts and put myself in a much better situation. However like so many gambling addicts, I have said this time and time again over the years. Like so many gamblers I will hesitate about buying something for a tenner like a takeaway, but when I'm gambling I won't even think twice about depositing 100s and 100s! Crazy!
The problem is, as I've already mentioned, is that I just don't see a solution even if I never gambled again. The effects from my gambling will still be there. This is the problem with gambling addiction, the effects from it can stay with the person for many many years after quitting depending on the extent of the persons gambling. These effects make moving forward impossible due to debts and mental health etc. This is why gamblers feel so trapped and stuck in life.Â
Another issue is that about 15 years ago my parents bailed me out of a lot of debt. That was my chance to never gamble again and learn my lesson. But no I made the same mistake. The problem is that my parents think I'm in a much better position than I am. It would kill them if they realised how I was really feeling and still had debts to pay off.Â
There's a saying that you only live once, well unfortunately I feel like I've completely messed up my chance at living a good normal and happy life due to a stupid gambling addiction. Thanks for reading.
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Hi R85 and Welcome to the forum.
You have to look at relapses as a START...as a SIGN that something is deeply wrong. Although they are painful they are a sign that you dont have the correct foundations in place
You have written about a lot of it which is a good sign that you are beginning to understand. When addicted your gaps in gambling were not actually a sign of control.
There is no shame in talking about your feelings and reaching out for help.
I feel there is always a solution when you look at life in another way. I know it can sound twee when your mind is adjusting but if you can get up the sun is shining and you can go for some pie and mash you are doing pretty well.
Dont let the agenda of what you could have achieved in a capitalist uk in particular twist your thoughts. Its an agenda pushed upon you and false in many ways. Your mental health is the most important issue and you should be talking to family about how you are feeling
You can get financial advice  and you can restructure or even write off debts. I dont know your exact situation but you have to look for a brighter future on your terms...go travelling...help people!
Yes I know its easier said than done but its the triutha nd you will see that more clearly There are answers to feeling better about life. The answers are actually within you
One thing you must do is face the reality that the door to gamble was wide open...tell people around you. Its a drug addiction for escape more than anything and you need monitoring with your money protecting.
You cant be resigned to your fate because that is the addiction talking. This addiction destroys people for its own ends...like an alien or virus inside you....you have to fight it out with abstention and can never be complacent again.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi R85
Just read your post, firstly well done for writing your thoughts out so clearly and reaching out.Â
Your words remind me SO much of what I'm going through / have been through... you are definitely not alone. I also feel knocked sideways by the gambling problem and have a similar outlook on how its affected my life and those I love. I've just turned 50 and so would say to you that you have time to recover and plan, look for the solutions however small and take it step by step as it will take time but it will get easier. I can't write too much on this tiny phone but the advice above is sound! .
All the best in beating this, and protecting yourself going forwards. J
 ok 20 odd years of gambling have got you in the state you are in todayÂ
what are you going to do about it ?
staking claims about it "being impossible" to do this and "difficult" to do that will pretty much guarantee you aren't going to change your lifeÂ
its better to have 1% hope in something than a 100% hope in nothingÂ
As gamblers it can be tempting to avoid something that seems like hard work ..... unless the work involved ascertaining more funds to gamble with in that case we will move heave and earth
i dont see how you have much choice other than too pull your socks up and get too workÂ
write the debt off and go insolvent for a couple of years theres no point clinging onto a lifestyle you cannot afford , learn a new skill , get a 2nd 3rd job whateverÂ
i appreciate these are all options nobody wants to be hearing at 40 let alone embarking on , but your reckless gambling has taken you to this point now you have to pay the price and its not cheapÂ
get started on changing your life today !                    Â
Hi... Firstly, I want to say that your not alone. I could have written that myself. The only major difference between you and me is that I am one year away from 50 as opposed to one year away from 40 and I live alone in a flat... but everything else is pretty much as you describe But remember this.... your still a relatively young man. If you live to 80 something your not even half way.
I think this is another consequence of lock down in the sense that we feel like we are the only ones feeling as we do. But the reality is that there are lots of middle aged men with gambling problems, debts and low self-esteem. I also have friend of mine in his late 50's who is in much the same position as you describe.
When the gambling stops, life stops getting worse. It might not get any better for a while but it won't get any worse. While your feeling is such a low place, ya gotta put some barriers in place to stop yourself gambling. gamstop, blocking software etc etc.
You have experienced happier times and you can experience them again. Dig deep do what you have to do to stop yourself gambling. Also don't get too hung up on the debts. tell them your a problem gambler, get interest frozen. Pay only what you can afford. Focus on rebuilding your life. Debts can drift to the background.
Your ok. Like me ya just gotta start believing in yourself. You can do it.
Thanks everyone. Appreciate the feedback. It's just I'm having a really difficult time accepting things even though I know I have to. Obviously I realise things could be worse although that doesn't really help on a day to day basis when you're struggling. Like I said, unfortunately I just don't see any solution to my issues for the next 5 years at least. One of the main problems is that gambling and it's effects has caused me to lose my identity and I have to a certain extent, become emotionally numb with no interest in anything. Until certain issues are resolved, I can't see myself regaining my confidence, motivation and self esteem.
Hi.. I hear your thoughts. Iv'e often felt much the same.
I once went on a course called "Finding meaning and purpose" and whilst it was many years ago and i remember little about it now I do remember it focusing on creativity and spiritual things things rather than "what you do for a living" or being "a parent".Â
I think we all have a sense of what brings us joy and happiness. I like to jog it makes me feel good. What makes you feel good? (obviously you can't have gambling on the list anymore ;-)... Start with small things, anything healthy and wholesome.
Maybe ya need to try and re-frame your thoughts a bit as well. If you say to yourself that the next 5 years will be s**t then it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you try and focus and makes some goals about what you want to change and then work towards them. I know its not easy. baby steps and all that. Am kinda talking to myself hear as well... in a non-mad way of course! 🙂
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