mental lurkers, fantasy, lies

I started this thread because I think that I see something that caused relapse time and time again. Thoughts and fantasies lurking in the back of my mind thus keeping the door cracked for future slot play. I seeing that not having blocks in place and not closing that door completely, is part of relapse danger. So I was wondering , if anyone else exploring their own thoughts could see a crack in the doorway to gambling again. Close that door and lock it. tara2

Tara2...oh yes I see the cracks. I fantasise about when I have my credit card clear and have some money to spare again...I dream of getting on those slots and playing. I keep thiinking Ill save up about £1000 to play with...you know...so Ill have a better chance of winning if I have a bigger stake to play with...no point in going online with just 100 right!!!! Oh gosh and I know so so well that this would end up being lost...and even if I won...I would be back the day after again to win more. I know the cycle but cant help dreaming of having 'extra' money to gamble with on those slots. And there is no such thing as exttra money...unless I win back the 100,000k or more that I have lost in the last 12 years! I have excluded from alot of sites...and have gamban on my PC...but my phone is still unprotected. I must actively put more bloakc in place for the day that I have this 'extra' money. The door is still ajar im afraid...as im writing this I have no intention of gambling right now...or next week or next month. But somewhere in the futute it still looks like enjoyment to me unfortunately. Any advice welcome...

Hi Tara good thread . I think gambling will always be available . Question should be how available are you to gambling ? I know if I really wanted to I could go to a bookies or a casino , yes I still haven’t self excluded myself but I don’t go and won’t go in those places . I could self exclude myself from anywhere . I have done to all know online casinos . But nothing is stopping me using the wife’s card , setting up and account in her name and gambling . I could find a way . I could go to an arcade , I could drive to a service station . It all comes down to how much you want to stop . There are always places you can gamble . You can find a way . But one of the things I have stated in other threads is this is just the physical blocks . Mental blocks for me are much stronger . Mentally I have re programmed myself so far to see gambling for what it is . Destructive . It’s cost me a lot in life but it isn’t going to cost me anymore . I’m reaping the rewards by not doing it . In the last 3 months I’ve cleared a lot of debt and purchased numerous things for myself and my family and more importantly spent time and money experiencing things together . This wasn’t possible because of my addiction . Well now it is and I am a different person with a stronger mindset . I truly believe that we can never gamble again in any format . Otherwise as you say we are leaving the door ajar . When it’s all or nothing when we gamble it must be the same and all or nothing when we don’t . I’m not saying that’s the same for everyon e but for me , be it £1000 mentioned or even £5 it all leads me to my mind past and quite simply life for me isn’t going back to it . To anyone else who thinks about it and fantasises about it maybe in the future , then do it at your peril . If you could gamble responsibly and maturely then surely you would have already won back your losses or simply never had any need for this site . We do have selective memory and if I could bottle up your pain, stress and anguish as a perfume , open that bottle when you have those thoughts I can guarantee that is all they will ever be . Hope this doesn’t come across as a rant I’m just trying to add to the thread

totally agree Bryan and I at the moment I have those fantasies. But im hoping that thats all they are...and that I will never act on them. However i would love for my mind to be in that place where that fantasy disgusts me. Im not there yet...but hoping. I do see gambling for what it is...but somewhere deep in my brain I get excited at the prospect of wining again. I suppose I would love to gamble all day every day if i was winning...and if it wasnt doing me harm.I enjoy the action of gambling...I just dont enjoy the destruction it causes.I can never do this again...and I know that so well.I only hope I can get to a place in my head that I never ever want to do it again.

When I consider the fantasy that is far far away; the fantasy that one day possibly years from now I will perhaps be on vacation and go to a casino and play that one time and win big. Or I'll wait till a day far far in the future and then take a certain larger amount of money and do a test in the higher risk area to see if fate is on my side. Far far in the future. Far far in the recesses of my mind. By that time I'd have so much recovery time under my belt that I think I'll have silenced that fantasy. For one, I know better even right now in this moment. On that future day I only hope to remember this moment as if it were yesterday because right now I can still taste gambling and see first hand the destruction it's havoced in my life for 13 years. I want to always remember ... Like that bottle perfume of pain that Bryan spoke of. Just take a whiff of 'past memories of the pain caused by gambling ' and always choose better. tara2

Hi Tara,

Thank you for opening this thread for discussion.

I really relate to the fantasy of one day being able to make a fortune and be a responsible gambler. Having been an addict for over 20yrs and am now a psychotherapist/CBT counsellor I have a better understanding of how addiction works.

I realised after many relapses that my fantasies and desires were driven by my discontentment and poor relationship with myself. With mindfulness and continued work on my character I've found that any desires about future gambling have long gone (thankfully).

Kind regards.