HiÂ
I am not new here, I have been visiting the forums for around 5 years but never posted anything. Today I have signed up and want to start using this as a journal of being GF.Â
for anyone who might want to listen...
I am a wife and a mother of 3, with a horrendous gambling addiction that I have never told anyone of.Â
I have spent thousands and thousands online on slots and the last couple of years mainly slingo. I hate it so much, it is all consuming and eating me alive. I had wracked up debts of nearly 30 thousand pound, all of which no one knows about.Â
now, something happened which I know is RARE, but I had a really big payout last month and for the first time in many years the fog lifted for a while, I payed off every penny of debt and closed everything, GAMBAN, gambling restrictions on bank cards, GAMSTOP, and blocked off all sites.Â
I am 5 weeks GF and up to now I felt positive about it all. But the guilt, lies, debt, costing my family so much money, making every excuse under the sun, salary gone in days, the night after night no sleep and secret gambling  has got to me and I feel like I am having a break down. I can not speak to my husband or teenage daughter as the could never forgive me, but I feel so alone and anxious to the point I can not eat and keep being sick.Â
I think I am scared that I will start over and get back into debt as I have won big before and lost every single penny again.Â
I know that this might sound irresponsible because having a big payout is rare and it is even rarer to not gamble it again, I am just being as open and honest as I can be. I have once won nearly 50k on slots and span it away on the same night leaving me feeling suicidal.Â
any advice and help would be appreciated, thank you Â
PaulaÂ
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Dear @anxiety666
Thank you for posting and for sharing your story. Although you are familiar with the forum, it can be daunting taking that step to share your own experiences, so I’m pleased that you have the strength to do that.
It’s also good to hear that have been able to clear your debt but understandable that you are feeling the affects of the harm that gambling has created for you over time. The concerns that you have expressed will be common to others, and although hard sometimes to come to terms with, no problem gambler intends the harm that can be caused.
Please don’t feel that you are alone with this, I’m certain that you will have really helpful responses from other users of the forum but know that our Advisers are here 24/7 to discuss the options open to you to get the right support to help you to move forwards.
Kind regards
Jo
Forum Admin
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Hi PaulaÂ
A few years ago I was in a similar situation to yourself, I was living two different lives. I had gambled thousands away and built up big debts and I was lying to everyone i know to hide my gambling and the mess I had got myself into.
Something I have always struggled with is coming clean and telling my wife what I had done, it’s something I wish I could do but for some reason I have never told her when I’d gambled until I was so deep I had no other way out.
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Easier said than done but my advice to you would be to come clean, it’s the only way you will ever have any chance of stopping, otherwise you’ll always have in your mind that one little bet won’t hurt because nobody will know.
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honesty is the only way out and I hope you can bring  yourself to do it, it’s something I’ve always struggled with and it’s the one thing that always leads me into deeper problems.
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Thank you for the replies. I called the helpline yesterday and spoke to an advisor for around an hour, and I honestly felt so much better for it. She helped me figure out what I need to do for myself and signed me up for counselling which is fantastic. I feel like I can do this now.Â
I am aware that the truth needs to come out. I want everyone to enjoy Xmas without me ruining it for everyone and then I will open up to my husband and tell him everything.Â
I really feel like all the fog has started to fade and I am thinking clearly for the first time in years. It feels great to be normal!!Â
I hope everyone manages to keep their head above water over Xmas. Best wishesÂ
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