In the three months that I stopped gambling, I had managed to turn my life around. I had become so anti gambling, it was hard for me to imagine that I'd ever do that to myself again. I knew I was cured, but I felt assured that I was atleast educated enough about my addiction to not put myself through that again. I mean why would I? Things were great.
Till last night, I don't really drink, it's normally like once or twice in a year thing. Yesterday I let some friends talk me into clubbing. Old school friends, from the club everyone wanted to hit the casino. I felt like I'd be okay, I wasn't. Before I knew it. I was playing, convincing myself every few mins. Just £100, just 250, just 500. By the end of the night, being up and down. In desperation I covered 20 numbers with £50 chips. Only to lose again. The 2.5k loss, whilst it's a huge loss I can probably survive.
The dissappointment however, is soul destroying. I feel like I'm right back where I was whilst constantly fighting urges to chase the loss in hope that I can cover the loss and be okay about it all and stop again. However, I know this isn't how it works.
I told my girlfriend what happened. She knows I struggle with gambling, I have only ever told her briefly that it's a issue for me, we've only been together 2 months. It's not like I've lied to her but at the same time perhaps she doesn't fully know the extent. She hasn't said alot but I can sense the dissappointment and concern. However just one night of gambling has returned me already to my formerself. I fought with myself to tell her the truth, fought to not chase the losses. Literally I feel like the new person I was is now gone and the old me is fully back.
But there's another side that knows I can stop, knows I can change things around. Like I did, and was doing so well in. I keep telling myself please don't do anything today, to ruin the rest of your life. It's only 11am, feels like I've been fighting the urge not to chase my losses for a month.
What I do from here onwards, will decide if I relapsed or if it marked the return to gambling. Have to fight this with everything once more.
Day 1 - Saturday 14th February 2015
Oh, jm, I am sorry. One moment with "guard down" and the demons squeezed in through the tiny opening (ha, the forum software censored the word beginning with "C" and meaning "tiny opening") in the door.
But today, unlike four months ago, you know things that you did not know then.
You know how much better life can be.
You know that YOU CAN HAVE THAT BETTER LIFE.
Can you re-post again today, as you seize Day 1 for your own?
Good on you for 'coming clean' to your girlfriend & straight back to recovery! You were drunk, you made a mistake (a stupid one) but it was one night of being out of control, & you know not to compound it like you may have done before! Draw a line under the money (as you say, it is manageable) & the urge to chase will subside! This is a dangerous time & will continue to be until you let last night go & you can, you know you can!
Get busy doing something, anything, today to keep you occupied & you will beat this - ODAAT
Hi Judderman,
dogfan and ODAAT talk sense.
You had a relapse. It doesn't make you a master criminal.
You will beat yourself up, it's perfectly natural. You can overcome it.
Today is Day 1 of a new life. Get on with it. As you say you have been able to take this financial hit.
From my experience booze and betting can walk hand in hand. If you go out for a social drink again just make sure you limit the cash you take out with you. Better still you could stick to soft drinks. Leave your debit card at home. If your pals go on to a casino. Make an excuse that you are feeling very unwell and get a taxi or bus home.
Bye
Or, tell your pals "I don't that any more". Could make 'em think.
dogfan,
Your idea is the best. It will make them think.
Cheers.
Thanks Dogfan, ODAAT, MrStop. I completely agree with everything you guys have said. However, ultimately it's about you, and your own mindset. The temptations, traps, excuses will always be there. You have to find a way to co-exist. Other people, especially people who don't have a problem gambling will never really understand. It's the whole "why don't you just stop" outlook on your problem.
Anyway, I think the key is to not blame outside factors, cause I don't think I'll ever truly shut them all down, no matter what I do. True success is perhaps facing these things and being able to keep moving forward without crumbling.
Day 2 - Thought about gambling alot today, wished the relapse never happened. Thought alot about all the things I could have done with the money I've lost. Thought about trying to win it back. Approached every single thought with clarity, the mistake it would be to give in. Reminded myself of all the really bad times I went through due to gambling and how I never ever want to go back there again. Feeling dissappointed, but at the same time I feel strong about the whole thing. Determined to make sure this was just a blip and not a full on return to gambling. Thank you for the advice guys, have a good day 🙂
Hi Judderman. I myself have just had a relapse after being 150 days clean. Very frustrating 2k gone in an instance, having a few drinks and free time over the weekend is such a trigger for me too.
We can and will beat this. We both know the end outcome even if we are up for an instance our minds will tell us we want more until we lose it all.
Keep going.
Hi Judders & Rst. - Similar story for me - doing well and £1,600 gone yesterday in under 2 hours of 21 losing horse racing bets. Chasing initial losses (standard compulsive gambler trait), thinking 'there's no way they're keeping my cash' and sadly not bailing out until I was spent up. In the cold light of day, I look back and see what poor decisions I made in my selections and that was purely down to being in the throes of addiction behaviour. That's the trouble with gambling addiction - sometimes you lose the plot completely- with inevitable results.
After feeling shameful self pity yesterday evening and first thing this morning, I have had a good read through this site and feel so much better and positive.
Stay strong everyone!
Week on, so far managed to keep the relapse a slip and not a full on return.
Feeling hopeful 🙂
Hope you guys doing okay too? 2k and £1600 is a lot to lose but accepting it and not allowing it to poison your tomorrow is the key. Make it so that it was just a blip in your recovery. Not a full on failure and return to gambling. 150 days is a fantastic effort.
Your words:
-- Thought about trying to win it back. Approached every single thought with clarity, the mistake it would be to give in. Reminded myself of all the really bad times I went through due to gambling and how I never ever want to go back there again. Feeling dissappointed, but at the same time I feel strong about the whole thing. Determined to make sure this was just a blip and not a full on return to gambling --
It sounds like you have figured out how to use the unfortunate day as a sort of vaccination to improve your immunity in the future.
Get in contact judder man. We can help eachother. How can I send you a message with my email or mobile?
dogfan wrote:
Your words: it is heartbreaking to return to it. you are lucky you say you can afford to take the loss. i am sat feeling desperate after a relapse last night that has cost me everything. i cant find my way around this site to create a thread of my own and spoke to the most unhelpful agent ever on the phone. i really really need help x
-- Thought about trying to win it back. Approached every single thought with clarity, the mistake it would be to give in. Reminded myself of all the really bad times I went through due to gambling and how I never ever want to go back there again. Feeling dissappointed, but at the same time I feel strong about the whole thing. Determined to make sure this was just a blip and not a full on return to gambling --
It sounds like you have figured out how to use the unfortunate day as a sort of vaccination to improve your immunity in the future.
this site is not set up very well i apoligise for jumping on your post, i have no idea how this actually works x
Hi never mix alcohol and gambling. I've done it .when your a compulsive the inclination to carry on is Badenough without alcohol and your depression when you lose will be worsr
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