What to do

How do I even start. 
I’ve been a CG my entire adult life which is now 12 years. When I think about the amount of money I’ve wasted away gambling it makes me physically sick. One of my main negative traits is that I’m easily bored and I guess always seeking excitement. I’m also very self destructive. A mix of that with an addictive personality is just the recipe for disaster. 

I have been in treatment multiple times, have banned myself from gambling many times and swore to myself countless times that I would never gamble again. Yet I seem to fall of the wagon again and again. 

The funny thing is, I’m fully aware of ‘the house always win’ and that as an addict, no win will ever be good enough. I as many other people started with a big win, but instead of stopping there I continued till I had put every little penny back in including my hard earned wages and savings. 

I seem to do this over and over again. 
a couple of years ago I lost everything (again) and had to come clean to my partner. My partner told me that if it ever happened again, he would have to leave me (several good reasons). 

And guess what, it happened again. About 6 months ago I removed the block from my card which I had put in, to stop me from putting money on online gambling sites. 
I had managed to save up a decent account of money (for me anyway as I’ve had so much gambling debt over the years and gambled all my money away).

One day I thought it would be nice if I could just win a bit more money to add to my savings. I swore to myself that if I lost the money I deposited, I would quit on the spot (HAHA). I lost all my money, but luckily when making my last available deposit I won all my money back plus a couple of thousand pounds. The experience scared me and I blocked my card again. 
I now had extra money which was nice. 
i managed to save up some more and got myself the biggest saving I’ve ever had. 

Now this is where it went wrong. A couple of months back, I thought I would do the same again and deposit a bit to win some more. 

Within 2 days, I lost everything. I only had enough to pay my bills and this is only because the betting sites wouldn’t let me deposit more money. 
I was devastated to say the least. How the hell am I doing this again? What is wrong with me? 
So now all the lying started. Lying about why I can’t spend any money. Sleepless nights worrying. And the obvious addict move - trying to win my losses back. When I got paid, I lost my whole wages within 2 hours. I borrowed some money which I deposited. Managed to get to an amount where if I withdrew them, I would only have been down a couple of thousands, which is a lot better than what I am now. Lost all of that in 10 minutes juuuuuust trying to get a bit more. The last couple of days have been a rollercoaster. I have deposited more money, managed to win a bit (no where near what I have deposited the last couple of months, but enough to pay my bills and live of) and then lost it all again. 

if there’s anything that’s been reinforced the last couple of days is that there’s 2 main reasons why I gamble - for excitement because I’m easily bored and to win the money back. 

I have hit rock bottom. I have got just enough money left to pay my bills, only because the money I have are cash, my bank account is empty.  and I don’t want to gamble anymore. I’m terrified of loosing it as I would have to come clean to my partner which is not an option at all. But on the other hand, I see it as my only option to get money to live off of. 

The last couple of days I’ve been searching the internet for ways to make extra money. I have looked at everything and I’m willing to do almost everything. But with working a more than full time job, I don’t have much time and therefore it would have to be something online. Nothing I find is helpful. I don’t have anything of value I can sell and I don’t have any IT/network skills I can use. I’ve looked at everything else. 

So my mind keeps telling me I must at least try and gamble to win my money back as I know it’s possible as shown the last couple of days. The functioning side of my brain is telling me to stop, that I will always chase more and end up loosing everything. But I need money. And I just cant seem to find another way. 

It makes no sense. I would consider myself a fairly intelligent woman. So how can a small part of my brain, manage to convince the rest of me that this is the only way out when everything else clearly proves that it’s wrong??? 

What do I do…. 

I don’t even know if my post makes sense. I never even meant to write this much but when I got started I couldn’t stop. This whole post is basically just my thoughts at the moment. If you’ve read it all, I’m sorry for the long post and thank you for reading. Any advice is welcome, even the ones I don’t want to hear and believe I already know