Hey guys, it is 1 day after my lowest point ever and i am still holding on,
The facts are these i have had a on and off issue with gambling over the years, then i had the most amazing girlfriend,her family loved me and recently my anxiousness caused me to do something that messed everything up,it wasnt anything bad like cheating or gambling or anything voilent, because i thought that it was over i self destructed and blew all my wages in the bookies rent aswell. Yesterday i spoke to her family to make amense which they accepted and hugged me etc,then i spent the time talking with her,if she is gonna forgive me for what happened it will obviously take time, but then the reality of gambling all that money hit me and i kept thinking iam going to need money to support us,and then thought i have ruined everything i am not going to tell her that i have no money because that will just destroy any chance of redemption, so i went for a walk on my own, and could not stop crying i felt so guilty about all i had done and just wanted to run away from it all, eventually after 1hour of crying i spoke to my mother who agreed to help me with a bit of money,
I have never felt so at the bottom of the barrell and been so close to loseing everything , i love her and her so much,and i cant believe how badly i messed up,i have faced up to them and appoligised and am doing what is nessecary to put things right,but now its if my girlfriend will forgive me and i am going to do anything to fight for us.
As for the gambling have self excluded from online and getting photos done for betting shop exclusion, i cant even think about the word bet without feeling sick,how low and selfish and destructive i was ,without dealing with things and facing them i would go to the betting shop so i wouldnt have to try and face things.
So there it is i was so low i never thought i would be able to recover,i came so close to total destruction and held on by a wisker,i still might loose her and i still cant imagine being without her, but what i have done is faced her family,faced up to my actions,know what i need to change and i am willing to change, aranged to talk to someone about my anxiousness and gambling as a escape.
I hope i dont loose her,i know i will change,i wont gamble.
Please if anyone is reading this dont let this addiction ruin someones love for you that is the worse lose you can ever have.
Even as iam typing this i am actually crying,because of the guilt how much hurt i have caused,and thinking about how much i made my girlfriend cry.
I just need to try and get through each day as it comes.
You're in deep pal but no one is perfect so what you've messed up but it's more about what you do after messing up... if you mess up again then you've had your chance and blown it. You've just got to do the very best you can from here on in and I'm pretty sure your best will be good enough as you seem like a decent guy.
Its late night, felt really c**P today, but feeling a little more optimistic, i actually feel a glimmer of hope i want to change i can change and i am changing, i have a big big recovery ahead but, the love i had and the things i did wrong give me enough fuel to aim for a new life
That's the right attitude pal. Correct the future. Just take away the past baggage. Imagine you got plonked down on earth by a space ship. You'd never heard of gambling and you have some debts to pay... you work your a*s over every day to pay off your debts and care for your loved ones. I'll check in on you tomorrow. Good luck.
Day2 , mornings hit me with the feelings of guilt and sadness for what i have done and the pain i have caused in the past,also scared of the future.
Not going to gamble today,dont want to gamble today, even when typing gamble i feel sick.
But i still have hope and chance of redemption. I cant wallow in self pity nor can i change the past, all i can do is be the best person i can each day. I am so grateful for alot of things.
Managed to borrow some money to pay my rent and have food, that is a mega weight off my mind i actually cried when i got lent the money, now i focus on rebuilding my relationship with my girlfriend and hope she will forgive for the incident that happened, it wasnt cheating,gambling or voilence or anything nasty, but it was very hurtful.and i need to focus on being a man i can be proud of and ultimatley be the man that my girlfriend and family can love and trust
Sounds like a positive day? Hope thinks are getting better.
Day 3, no urge or want to gamble, something amazing happened last night, i was sat watching a film with my girlfriend, when she sat on my lap and cuddled me and held me tight, just to hold her feel her skin and the scent of her hair, its going to sound maybe stupid to you, but to experience that, was so amazing because at one point i never thought i would ever get the chance again, for that iam so grateful and happy.
Onwards with another day of recovery and self improvement
Day 4 no want or urge to gamble, things are starting to improve and get more positive, the love for my girlfriend fires even more to be a better man. So onwards and upwards, dont get me wrong its still a long road ahead but i have 4 days walking it under my belt.
Iam a better person for the realisation of my problems and now facing and dealing with my problems, everyday i think to myself how lucky iam for the things i still have, and for the love of the people around me, and how close i came to loosing it all for the justification of ,well iam a failure,loser iam c**P, and well because of that iam going to just ruin everything anyway so why try and be better, no iam just going to gamble instead, A TOTAL BULL s**t EXCUSE I USED BECAUSE I WAS TO SCARED TO TRY,
Rob,
Well done for being honest and admitting it. Im in the same boat as you. Like yourself im too scared to tell my husband. For first time i have admitting to my own brother who is bailing me out. Wish you all the best and im sure we can support each other and beat this. Keep positive and if you feel low....try think how i can change that. One of my trigger points is when im down i gamble to escape reality which is total stupid. But whats done is done we need to move on and fix and better our future.
Keep it up mate. We can do it!!!
Lucy x
Hey Lucy ty so much for your kind words, i know it must be really tough for you to, but here you can say anything you like without being judged and i and the rest will have your back and support you. Plus the good thing about talking to strangers is you can let it all out and nobody judges x
Day 5 iam focused positive and motivated, all my prioritys are in the right place now.
No urge or want to gamble
Well done - i love seeing everybody's achievement.
It's true - i feel so relief to open up as i am one of these people can't tell my mates (and my mates are very judgemental - they are right and thats it - hence organising my wedding ie asking them for advice, i almost end up divorcing them lol).
Lately i just dot down my feeling and its good. I am going thru depression and even telling the doctors i felt hard.
But keep it up x
Day 7 no urge or want to gamble still, when i even see a betting shop i do feel a bit sick,
Anyway so its all positive iam focused on improving myself and enjoying the company of the people i love, money this month is still gonna be tough, but from the wreck i was a week ago, to where iam now i cant belive how lucky and forunate to have got a chance at starting again,
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