100 Days from now - please please help me get there

You deserve to feel normal, you deserve to enjoy your time on the earth just like the next person. Don't be hard on yourself, you're dealing with one of the most powerful addictions here and it inflicts so much damage to our mental health.

There may be other issues you're dealing with, I don't know, but you need to snap out of this negative view of yourself . You are definitely stronger than you think, you come here and scream that you want to leave gambling and trauma it brings into your life behind, and I commend you for that. It does take courage to come here let people know you don't want to be a gambler anymore and persist.

Talking from the experience, I think you should go and speak to your GP my friend, as you sound like you might be in the grip of low mood and a depression. Just explain how you feel, and watch them acknowledging your thoughts. They might refer you for a further help, please give it a chance.

And, please continue to be part of Gamcare family, this is a safe place for us.

Ergos 

Day 3 remains lifeless and hopeless. I wish I wasn't here, I wish it wasn't true and I wish this 25 years was a dream. But I know it's not and thats the acceptance I live with, and the constant knowledge I could be here again, in 1 week or 3 months or 6 months or 2 years, finding another low.

For now I hope I can get through to day 100 unscathed, no matter how miserably I get there. 

@oc0gyh9u3i Thank you Ergos, I'm definitely in the manifestations of a depressive episode. I just wonder if it's safer here in thia mindset , this in between space of not gambling but feeling low. As soon as I feel happy again it's just another step closer to relapse. I'm scared of that place where my mind is normal and productive, because even with blocks in place, I'll find a way to destroy it all again.

I hear you my friend, I definitely hear you. Trust me, but you need to start dealing with the underlying issues. You know them, whatever they are. Everyone here strongly advises of the blocks and preventative measures and I certainly agree with them, but if you don't deal with underlying issues and make changes in your life than recovery will not be strong. Obviously I am not an expert, eventhough I have been gambling as long as you have been and I have been on this site since the old days of gamcare. What I can say is  that the people who are going strong here are the ones that know why they want to recover from gambling and stick to it, even if they may fall occasionally, they get back up.

Please learn to accept yourself as you are, no ifs no buts and move on, gambling is not the solution, it makes everything multiple times worse for us addicted gamblers.

Take care my friend

Ergos 

Thanks Ergos for the support. I'm using these forums as a way to express my sadness and depression, in an attempt at personal therapy, knowing in the real world, i am this alleged high-achieving, successful, "doing multiple things at once" type of guy, surrounded by others depending on me.

Im definitely jsut tired of figuring it all out, thinking it will get better and finding solutions and working on it and all the blocks and all the counselling and all the antidepressants and all the family support and everything over and over, just a vicious endless circle. I can vividly remember so many moments people have tried to help, umpteen breakdowns, crying in the arms of others, or having 1 to 1 professional counselling, or taking pills. It just all ends up the same way. I have been on this forum in the past too, it's all so monotonous.

Today I'm day 4, I'm gamble free, and just as defeated in my spirit. But at least im gamble free, and at least I still have this diary post with me to ramble on, I may seem miserable but thank you to anyone who comments, it does seep through, that someone is out there in the ether, cheering for me somehow, who understands.

I get you big time mate, I’ve always had a very successful job. I was the one from the family that went to uni. I now earn alllot of money. Admittedly it’s all going to debt repayments 😂.

The pressure is something we don’t realise.  We think we are the boss, we are cool and calm at work. Deep down, we are a wreck. Gambling was the escape. It ruled us rather than us being in charge. Bad thing is though, we thought we were in charge. For me, gambling was about admitting defeat. It’s not often in my life I’m not the boss. Just a shame gambling was the biggest boss for most of my life!

Stay strong 💪 

@jbug81 Well done on your progress so far.  I think all of us can identify with your feelings on some level.

It is not easy when the perception that people have of you is at odds with the way you feel.  That was one of the hardest things for me when admitting to my wife that I had a gambling issue.  I am meant to be the rational steady one in my family apparently?!?

I think many of us (ME!) have used gambling as a sort of self medication to numb deep feelings of sadness, stress or confusion. When I gamble it blocks out everything else.

You are absolutely doing the right thing in being open here.  And see how many people are responding?  People resonate with your feelings.  I think the more honest we are as men about being vulnerable the more human connections we can make.  Not easy though.

I look forward to your next post. 

Thanks all, day 5. A quiet sadness persists, I ate a little more food which is a good sign I suppose.

Yah there is im sure a common thread that connects us all, perhaps a successful outside, access to money, multiple dependants, and no way to relieve the stress building up. Gambling so easy to hide. And it definitely has a way to sweep all problems to the side, you can just stare at the numbers on a screen instead for hours, days, weeks, nothing else matters ..

My target is day 100, please help me get there, please help me put four months of salary into my savings so my wife and kid have something of a safety net, away from my destruction...  . I don't want to feel happy yet.   I don't want to feel like I'm back to normal. Because that feeling gets me closer to relapse. Im thinking it's better to be sombre, and despondent, and forlorn, in my spare moments, because then it can't creep up on me right? I dunno, I feel safer feeling terrible in this recovery state than feeling like life is good. I have no urge to gamble in this sadness, when everything feels terrible..., but if I'm happy, and recovered, and loving myself, forgiven myself, helping others again...than one little flutter couldn't hurt, surely.....

Day 6. I'm trying to disconnect thoughts about money,I know time is more valuable. I'm feeling a little bit better when I'm not thinking about it, but when I'm on my own, I'm posting this to keep me reminded.

I want to get to day 100. Quietly, purposefully, sadly if need be