2010

Hi Jasmine just read your last post. Thanks for sharing what sounds like a very hard and upsetting time for all of you. You have the insight even in this low moment that to gamble can not give happiness or even escape. Take care Jasmine - sending you warm thoughts. Blocked.

Still ill so decided to get drunk but can't...just my luck..pumping vodka and coke down in the hope it helps me sleep...feeling a bit giggly now and hungry but not sleepy.

Pretty calm and now going to watch the rest of what I recorded last night...Summer with Robert Carlyle...it's good.

Keep safe everyone. Jas xx

Not a lot planned for today. Too weak and tired to venture out and it's brrrr cold outside...still ill after all this time!

Sitting here planning to decorate my lounge. It hasn't been done in years and for some reason it's suddenly started to annoy me...especially my curtains. Well, at least I can afford some paint now I'm not gambling lol. Strange how gambling really did allow me to close my eyes to everything..used to be so house proud..it will come back to me...plumping up cushions etc...lol! P and I have a beautiful home and to think I could have lost it on the spin of a slot machine...frightening but the reality is that NOONE is getting my home or my soul either.

Someone at the door...

Bye for now...Jas x

bloody parcel for next door....they always do this...they know P works from home and I'm in most days so they order stuff...knowing they will be out and we will take it in. Am I being horrid? Sometimes I get so sick of keeping the peace...I'm a smiling assassin really..ha ha

Planning for the rest of the year..my daughters are 21 and 18 this year...been saving for them..strange this is but when i was gambling I would never, ever consider touching their money...loans galore but their money was special. I've got this thing about karma. P and I are paying for them to go on holiday together...in June and my daughter who is 18 has asked for a family "afternoon tea" party. I love planning parties..I love birthdays..I love any celebration come to think of it. So, that will keep my mind occupied for a while.

I had a lot of difficulty with my youngest daughter last year...in a nutshell....she left home out of the blue, ditched college, blew about £3k....I was grief stricken.....then she came home...tail between her legs...begged for forgiveness...now she is working on rebuilding..........made me really happy as she has enrolled at college again. So, I got my own way in the end......she just thinks it was her decision...parenting eh.

Well...gone on long enough now.

Love to all...Jas x

Hi Jas,

I absolutely understand what you were saying in chat just now... Im just glad we have enough strength to work recovery in the right direction, for ourselves.

I also think G was correct about the 'need to grow up', maybe it will happen for them one day, when they face the facts that are in front of them 😉

Back to you... Your illness isnt a quick one to get over like colds etc. Jas but you should be feeling a bit better after a week of treatment. May just need a change of antibiotic but Im glad you are getting an appointment best to check.

I had pleurisy years ago and that knocked me for six. I felt really pathetic... couldnt get my arms up to hang washing out. That also took its time to shift, although I was a smoker in those days.

Allow yourself plenty of rest & fluids, dont try to push your body too much. Can catch up on stuff when you feel more up to it.

Let your family pamper you 😉

Take care

Jackie x

Hi Jas

Im ok thanks.I didnt post last night because i went to the pub to watch my beloved team man city get beat by man utd. I was gutted. Hey sounds like your daughters look up to you aswell as your sisters.I hope you are feeling better today Jas.I cant seem to shake my cold off,but im outside all the time.Still while im ill i wont venture out to the bookies lol .Its funny how i can still make the pub though.All the best Jeff.

hi jas

thanks for ur post

not only am i learning to live without gambling but at the age of 42 im learning new words thanks to u lol. hope u get better soon

wishing u well........ norma x

Thanks for the post Jas. Never quite sure if my words are wise. Sure glad you think so but it`s a nice thing to say. Now get well soon.

jasmine. . There appears to be an echo on your diary. Thanks for your words of encouragement on my diary. . Ive put the last few days down to my recovering process being low. I have had good talk to myself and am now on the front foot again thanks to you and others encouraging myself. . Here s me bein a selfish a**e sulking for the past few days and your not well with a sister thats poorly yet you still manage to lift spirits on many s a diary. Keep up the good work. It is definately appreciated most certainly from myself.

I am itching to gamble..have been for days. It's the truth. It's gone at the moment but it has been strong, very strong urges. I could go ahead and gamble. I would be spending money which is allocated specifically for upcoming events. Why can't i accept that the money in our account is allocated. It's driving me mad. Just £100 won't hurt, but it will, it will never be just £100. A win won't ever be just a win, it will escalate into a loss, and a massive one at that. I want these urges to gamble to go away. I am not in control and it's awful.

I rang my sister earlier, she has blown £100's online this evening. The woman i spoke to earlier in the day was fun, jokey and listening...the woman I spoke to after gambling was crying, angry and searching for help. Aaaaargggh

I have been proactive...I have said that i don't think we are helping each other by talking about gambling all the time. I'm constantly on about recovery and she is still in winning...or the dream of...winning mode. She agreed.

P has saved me tonight to be honest. £100 down, £500 done...a grand.....3 grand...where does it stop. I hope it's here.

These thoughts are mindblowing...driven by lots of situations. I want to be free of this.

Still in fighting mode.

Nite

jasmine. . We all get these urges to gamble at some time or another (look at me this week) but if anybody s strong enough to resist its you lass. . I have to agree that talkin to your sister about gambling does nt help. . My dad does that to me as well talkin about horses and prices but i try and shrug it off. Its not easy when he flicks tele onto racing channels either. That has to be related to my urges this week. . Keep fighting lass. We can do it. . We all can.

Well, starting to feel a little bit better..fingers crossed. I can't remember ever being so ill.

My gambling urges have gone. P has put passwords on all our laptops just to protect me whilst I am weak. It's difficult, asking someone to take control...well it is for me...but it's the only way. Last night I could easily have gambled. If I want to do something then there is nothing that will stop me. I just know it's wrong.

My strong desire to gamble has definitely come from being ill and my sister gambling. I feel good that I have been able to say to her....let's not talk about gambling...it's doing us no good. She told me she spent £100's last night...this is history repeating itself...and I recognise this now.

My mother died at aged 50 and left me aged 15, my brother aged 13 and two younger sisters aged 11 and 10. I promised my mother I would look after them and I have done to this date. Its a big ask. A big responsibility.

I am close to all three of them but very close to my sister. She introduced me to gambling nearly 14 years ago now. Land bingo with a jackpot game paying £100,000. She was heavily pregnant with her first baby and a bit bored. She persuaded me to go and I remember it as if it was yesterday. We went on a Saturday afternoon. I wasn't fussed about gambling, in fact I thought it was common! I was a real snobby so and so...still am really lol. We played the bingo...the books cost a fortune...and I was bored out of my brain. I found absolutely no excitement in it whatsoever....but that is where my gambling addiction started. It slowly grew like a monster.

What am I talking about? The thing i recognise about myself actually does go really deep....goes way back to when I promised to take care of my siblings I suppose.

The land bingo progressed to the slots for my sister and I learnt how to play them...sorry but I will have to say this. I used to put loads in...my sis would go on it and win. I thought I was unlucky and that she had lady luck with her...but that wasn't the case...she just won what I lost. Then her losing started....it was only say £50 down but I would go back into the place as soon as it opened to try to win it back whilst she was a work...was I looking after her?....well I certainly wasnt doing myself any favours. Living like this whilst juggling a very stressful job and my young children....and so my addiction took hold.

To this day, after I hear she has lost I want to come to her rescue and "win it back".....but I can't...because I'm vulnerable and I need to recover from this. I feel empowered that I was able to say to her yesterday...let's not talk about gambling anymore...it's no good for us.

I have the guy coming to tune the piano soon..I hate it....ding..ding..ding..ding.dingdingding...that's one job i could not do....and this guy is so full of beans too...he gets on my nerves actually, so I'm leaving it to P to sort him out.

No gambling for Jas x

Hello Jas,

Are you Ok? Hope so.

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing part of 'you' in your last post. Certainly helps me to understand your situation a little better.

I'm sorry to hear that your Mum died so young. Life can be so cruel sometimes... and such a 'big ask' from your Mum to someone so young themselves (((Jas)))

From the persona that shines through in your posts I'm sure that you have done amazingly well through out your life supporting your siblings. Your Mum would be so proud of you Jas. Showing & giving real strength & love for those close to you.

Sometimes though Jas we have to stand strong with those we love & care for.... Because we love them!

Sometimes we have to draw the line & say no, enough.

Sometimes giving in to them... makes things worse for them... as we are in danger of enabling their problem/addiction(although we want the reverse).

Sometimes we have to take this position even when they may be ill.

Sadly this addiction doesnt care about a persons health and can convince us to even use illness as a reason to continue gambling. I would think that your sister maybe using gambling to escape the 'reality' that she is living. It doesnt really help her, coz facts always have to be faced at some point. Crazy thing is, things often improve once faced. Not that it makes stepping out of the 'bubble' an easy task to do, for anyone. As of course you know.

Jasmine you need your strength for you. If you are not strong in yourself, you cannot be there for your sister. She needs you in every part of her life but the gambling... That must be her journey, as yours is for you.

Find something new that you can do together. Something that will give you both the time & closeness you desire, that wont end up hurting either of you.

Great stuff with the pass-wording. It will keep you safe... although a bit quiet!! lol Maybe look into a cheap/second hand pc that you could have blocking software on if it gets too frustrating waiting for P to come home!

Thanks again for the insight and I really hope that chest of yours is improving.

Stay strong, all the best

Jackie x

Hi Jasmine

Thanks for posting on my diary and your kind words.

I hope you have had a good weekend and are ok, totally relate to the urges, for me its a case of living with them. Guess its human nature to want the thing we cant have, i can not have gambling in my life!

I wish you well jas and thanks again for all your support and kindness. ands xx

Hi Jas,

nice to chat again just now, dont worry about me I am 15 days into a recovery which is going well.

Appreciate any feedback on my latest post.

Keep up the good work.

Love is in the air.