25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

Day 45 (44 days without gambling):

So, I'm still going strong and I'm feeling good. The past week or so has went in very quickly. I've got to admit that I'm coming on here less often, which on the one hand is a shame, but on the other maybe it shows I'm in a better place mentally and don't feel the need to write down my thoughts so often.

I got paid recently. I'll have to decide how to split up my wage between paying off debts and making sure that I stay out of my overdraft. I said earlier in this diary that I would like to have my debts cleared by the end of the year. That looks maybe a little unrealistic at this stage, but I'll still aim for that and see if it's possible.

I'll try and update this diary again in maybe another week or so. Hopefully, it will be another week free of the addiction.

martin don't make the same mistake as myself and get too complacent with your recovery

i did a diary last year for around 3 / 4 months but let it go thinking i had it under control and didn't need to post anymore

I've had 2 relapses this year the last one costing me 500 quid last week !

I've started a new one now but I'm pretty much back to square one well day - 4

just keep your guard up mate i promise you finding the time to post here once or twice a week is a small price to pay !

Thank you rainman and nipped for your comments and support.

Day 50 (49 days without gambling):

This diary entry is a little different from my last 2 or 3. I'm still relatively positive about the future, but I can't shift this cloud that's hanging over me right now. It's been there since around Monday or so. I'm extremely de-motivated at work. I'm always tired. I go to sleep at around 9pm, wake up at 7am and feel like I've been awake the whole time. I'm worried, but I don't know why. I'm anxious and on edge for no particular reason.

I maybe have to accept this is part of who I am. Maybe these mood swings from week to week and from day to day are normal. The thing is, I've been doing really well with regards to the addiction. I've not felt any great urges to gamble. I'm actually not missing it a great deal, but now I'm left with the underlying problems I guess. I don't know what came first; this way of feeling or the gambling. It's the whole cause and effect thing. What came first; the chicken or the egg? Did my gambling cause this change in me or was I like this before my addiction started?

To be honest, I think the last 7 or so years of constant addiction is to blame. Every single day resulting in violent mood swings because one minute I'm winning, then the next I've lost it all.

Maybe I'll get back to normal one day as long as I stay away from gambling. Or maybe the damage is permanent.

I've been on here a lot more often over the last few days, reading people's diaries. A lot of people here are a constant source of inspiration for me.

I should probably speak to someone. Or maybe I can get through this fight on my own. I'll probably feel differently tomorrow with the working week coming to an end.

Day 53 (52 days without gambling):

I've been feeling slightly better over the last couple of days. I'm really looking forward to Christmas and getting some time off work to relax and spend some time with family. Unfortunately, I'll need to buy presents for people using my credit card as I don't have much money in my bank account and I'm trying my best to stay out of my overdraft. Clearing off debts and trying to start from scratch in terms of my finances has been a bit of a struggle. If I do manage to start saving a little money, I'll look back on this run as being a huge turning point for me. I know I can't get too complacent.

Just recently, I had an urge to check the odds for the World Cup after the draw was made. I resisted that temptation, but it was a timely reminder that this addiction is still very much part of me. It's hard to break a habit that I've been used to for around 7-8 years.

I have about another 2 weeks of work left before I stop for a week. These next two weeks are going to be a little bit stressful. I can feel that already. But I will just have to ride the storm and get through it.

Day 57 (56 days without gambling):

It's been a pretty interesting week so far. On Sunday and Monday, I was feeling a little on edge. I never really felt tempted to gamble, but I was watching some sport on TV and just felt that old feeling of wanting to have an interest in one of the games. I didn't even look at the odds and the thoughts quickly subsided. I've found that when I get those feelings, if I just get up, walk out the room and do something else for about 10 mins, it really helps. It takes my mind off it and then I can come back and carry on as before.

I've had a busy week at work so far and it looks like I'm going to be even busier in the first quarter of next year as well. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I just need to keep stock of my stress levels, which is a huge trigger factor for me.

My overall feeling towards this addiction and the direction I am going is very positive. I'm proud of myself for not having went back to it during this period and I just hope it can continue this way. I've not really set any goals, such as 100 days or a year or whatever, but I feel good about not going back to it in the New Year. I think my New Year resolution for the past 5 or so years has been to not gamble, so this year, it might be 6th time lucky : )

One thing that I've noticed when reading other parts of the forums, particularly in sections like "ask gamcare" has been an unwillingness for people to accept their own actions. By and large in the recovery diaries, people realize how much of an idiot they've been and they rightly blame themselves for the addiction. One thing I really can't stand, however, are people who blame the industry. I'm not saying that betting companies do anything to help addicts and some may argue they should do more in this regard, but the lack of responsibility that some people have for their own actions can sometimes be frightening. As an addict, this is 100% on me. No one else. No one is forcing me to place a bet anywhere. I'm not sure how popular this opinion would be on here and if you happen to read this and take offence, I apologize. If anyone has any thoughts on individual responsibility v the industry's responsibility, I would love to hear them. That's just my own take and as this is my diary, I thought I would share my view.

Day 59 (58 days without gambling):

I've woke up in a foul mood today. It's Saturday, but it doesn't feel like it. I can usually enjoy the weekends, but for some reason, I'm feeling a bit down today and it was the same yesterday. I know if I ride this out, I'll probably feel okay again soon. At times like this, I would normally look to gamble to artificially lift my emotions. To give me an artificial feeling of happiness. Well, I'm determined not to let the past 58 days of hard work go to waste. I'll just need to ride this out and allow this cloud hanging over me to pass by naturally.

Hi Martin,

Well done on day 59, great achievement and you are right, it is not worth to give low moods the way.

It is Saturday, so maybe you can do smthing nice and enjoy your day. Some simple things can lift your mood up so quickly. Listen to the music, visit friends, go for a walk, swimming pool or sauna, cooking nice dinner,watching nice movie.

You have a choice my friend, i am sure you will pick the right one.

Stay strong Martin and keep fighting the good fight. You CAN do it 🙂

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi martin,

Your diary is very inspirational! Im 24 got no girlfriend or kids and ive been gambling for 6 years, always chasing my losses and increasing the debt i have.

I understand your emotional stand off when your not gambling. I recently moved to a new area for work and im chasing the winning buzz more than ever now due to lonlyness and boredom. I should have over 5000 saved for the passed 6 months work ive done.

I want to deal with this problem now and become financially secure.

Keep up your good work mate!

Matt

Sandra & broke25, your words are an inspiration to me and I'm thankful for you taking the time to comment on my diary. It means a lot. I want to thank you for that.

Day 60 (59 days without gambling):

So, I took Sandra's advice and went out to see a friend who I hadn't seen in a long time. It was nice. We had a few drinks and a bite to eat. He doesn't know about my addiction, but he knows I liked a bet on sports. He doesn't bring the topic up very often and I'm grateful for that. We talked about other things; work, other friends, our future plans, just run of the mill stuff.

I finish up work in a few days time for the Christmas holidays. Woop woop!! I'm looking forward to it. I haven't seen a lot of my family recently and I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

I have to admit that the addiction is gnawing away at me, like a fly that you can't swat. It is there constantly; reminding me of my past mistakes. I fee like telling it to f***f to be honest lol. I fee like saying, "I'm trying to live my life here. Can you please just leave me alone for two minutes?" This is going to take time. This healing process. It's going to take a lot longer than I had first anticipated. My emotions are all over the place right now. But I am pleased I've went this long without turning back to it. It makes me feel happy. For now. And that's all I can ask for right now.

Thanks Julie. Me and you seem at a similar stage in our recovery. You're so right when you say that this addiction won't be cured overnight. It's going to be a very long process, but I'm determined to stick at it.

Day 62 (61 days without gambling):

Emotions are still all over the place. On the one hand, I'm really looking forward to Christmas and on the other I'm still feeling a bit gloomy. I'm also feeling a little lethargic. I'm not eating right. Too many burger kings and frozen pizza's lol.

The good thing is I'm still not succumbing to the addiction. I feel positive I can continue resisting the temptation to gamble, but I'm not getting complacent either. I know what could potentially be just round the corner if I drop my guard. There's been a few people returning to the forums recently who have relapsed and it serves as a reminder that this addiction is always with us.

Hi Martin,

Well done on day 62. You are defo heading to the right direction. Recovery comes with many shapes and sizes. You can get wonderful days as well as down days, where you seem to struggle. But you are in a driving seat. You are right, addiction is here to stay, we can't just shake it off. But what we can do is "arrest " it as honourable Duncs says. It is down to us to make the last choice. Day at a time, hour at a time or even minute at a time.as long as we make the right decision we are coming out as a winners each day.

So my friend. I think you should pat urself on a back now. Another day further from destruction, a day closer to the light future 😉

Well done

Keep it up!!

Sandra x

Day 69 (68 days without gambling):

It has been a week since I last posted. The day after my last post, which would have been last Wednesday, was my most difficult day yet. The urges were strong and I was severely tempted to gamble. I am not proud of this, but I went on my usual gambling site and just browsed it for about 3 hours that day. Looking at the sportsbook, but also perhaps more pathetic, watching the casino games that I used to play, placing phantom bets in my mind. Going through the same thought process I would when I used to gamble. Thankfully, I resisted logging in and depositing, but it was a close run thing and it was a difficult time to get through.

The next few days were pretty bad as well and recently I've been very unwell. It's only recently that I've started to feel better again both physically and mentally, hence why I feel like I can post again here before Christmas. I think I just caught a bug that was going around, but I felt pretty awful. I've stopped work now for the Christmas break, and I'm looking forward to spending time with family over the coming days.

I'm still confident I can beat this addiction, or at the very least hold it at bay. The last week or so has been another severe test and I'm pleased to have gotten through it.

I'll update this diary again at some point before the New Year. Merry Christmas to everyone here. Please make sure your Christmas is free from gambling.

Day 76 (75 Days without gambling):

I had a really good Christmas holiday. Seeing a lot of family was great and gambling was the last thing on my mind. I'm not doing anything special for New Year. This is the first time in my life that I'm spending it without my family, but I had to get back to the place where I work, which is unfortunately quite a long distance away from home.

Going into 2014, I feel good. I am on the verge of clearing most if not all of my debt. I will update my diary on this over the coming weeks. My gambling urges are not particularly strong at the moment, but I know that can change in an instant. My last diary entry is testament to that.

If anyone visits this diary, have a happy New Year celebration!! Here's to a happy, gamble free 2014!!

Day 78 (77 Days without gambling):

Well the last couple of days have just been downright depressing. It must be the post Christmas blues.

I actually typed out a long diary entry for this date, but I deleted it before posting because a lot of it was quite personal and I don't want to share some of that stuff. All I can say is that I wouldn't say that I'm happy, but I'm earning a very decent wage; a wage that has allowed me to clear a lot of my debts and for that I should be grateful.

I just need to keep my chin up and see through these next few weeks. As far as the gambling side of things is concerned, there's not much more news. There is next to no temptation as I write this, but as everyone here knows, you can never let your guard down.

I hope everyone on here had a good New Year!

Day 79 (78 Days without gambling):

Another day down. Another day feeling depressed.

A friend of mine is over near where I stay this weekend and he's asked if I'm up for meeting him for a bite to eat at the weekend with a few friends of his. Despite getting on really well with this particular friend, I just don't feel up for socialising. The truth is I haven't felt like socialising since I was about 16. Nothing to do with gambling, it's just my nature. I'm more of what people would call an "introvert," but I don't like that term because it's a generalisation. When people think of "introverts," they think of people who stay in a darkened room all day, contemplating their next suicide attempt. I'm a very confident person, especially in my workplace, and I generally get on very well with people. But I also need my own space and much prefer coming home from work and chilling out by myself, watching television, or reading a book.

I've said I would meet this guy anyway for a bit of food and a few beers, but he's also asked me to go out tonight. I know how that will end up. Me spending about £30 on booze, getting half drunk before deciding to head back home after a few hours. I won't enjoy myself any more going out and spending £30 than I would watching a bit of telly and then having an early night. I'm 25 going on 70. But, that's just the way I am. Some people like meeting others and talking a load of rubbish while drinking beer. Maybe they get a similar rush doing that in the same way I used to get a rush gambling. I don't know. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Anyway, that's what's happening in my life right now. Not really gambling related, but not every diary entry needs to be. I feel down and have felt this way for the past few days. I know it will turn around again, but who knows when...