26th March 2015

This is Day 1. I don't know whether this will work, I have tried many many things, some have worked short term, but I HAVE to find a solution, and after reading everyone else's posts, and how some have used recovery diaries as a good way to beat this disgusting illness, I'm going to give it a go, and see whether it does help. I know that this forum alone won't help me, I have to help myself.

My story is similar to many of you, I started gambling when i was about 15. Only recently did I understand why (I will come onto that later). During my late teens and twenties, my habit got worse and worse, I was earning decent money, but it was all gone by the second week of the month. I then started a new job in IT sales which required me to have an account to use for expenses, and my dad gave me access to his account as a joint one where I could pay my expenses out of and used it as and when I needed. Having access to a bottomless pit meant I drained it of around £14k. I then met my first wife, and throughout our time together, I constantly gambles, took out loans, got myself into massive debt, which culminated in her leaving me with our 11 month old son when she'd had enough. I hit my rock bottom the day she left - her leaving in the car with my son and her dad who had driven up from Wales in a removals van to take her stuff finally hit home, I took an overdose, and ran away. Luckily my friend found me, and I started to rebuild my life. 4 months later, I made the decision to move to Wales so I could be near my son, but also to disengage with my current life which revolved around gambling. I bought a house, tried to make it work, but the damage was done, the trust was gone, and we split amicably. 9 months later, and being free from my gambling habit ( so I thought), I wanted to find a new partner and prove to myself that I could be happy. She moved in with me after 6 months, and we were happy. Things were tough at first, as neither of us liked living where we were, and she didnt have a full time job doing what she trained for (art teacher), but she eventually found a job in Shropshire, and she moved up to Shrewsbury. I followed her 11 months later, but by that time I was about £6000 in arrears on my mortgage, and I was evicted from the house.

During my time in Shrewsbury, I slowly started to gamble again. Not every day, and not excessively, but that soon spiraled. I had been completely honest with B and told her why my first marriage failed, and she warned me that she would not accept my doing that. We got engaged in September 2012, and planned our dream wedding in Italy. On January 25th, I gambled online which she found about and kicked me out of the house. I was broken, knowing I'd f****d up again, but more importantly knowing I got caught.

At this point, I got counselling through private healthcare, and had CBT, which in my first session made me understand that something from my childhood made me want to feel accepted and popular. Id always thought that gambling was the vehicle, but knowing that i had friends and family who loved me for who I was, and that I didnt need to be popular, helped me realise that a life of lies and deceipt only hurt those I didnt want to hurt. I also established that I wasnt very good at gambling, so why do it, and for 14 months I didnt gamble once. I felt great, B took me back with a warning that this was a last chance, and we got married in Italy in August, which closed a chapter of my life for me.

Since then, there have been a lot of struggles. The company I worked for got into financial trouble, my firiends all left, and my earning went down by about £25k per year. I also borrowed £8k from my father to pay for the final installment of the wedding, and to clear off some debts me and B had, but I took the money and paid off someone else who had lent me £5k to fuel my gambling in the past.

Fast forward to March, I started a new job nwith more money, much better job prosepcts, and I knew I was going to be happier longer term. however short term, me and B had not been getting on well, the trust was gone again, and things were not good in our relationship. But I knew that if I could get to April where I was getting a nice bonus, things would be fine financially. Then three things happened this week which culminated in me gambling again.

1) My first wage packet came through with £400 less than I thought I was going to get, and meant that the budget plan I had put in place to pay things off was short

2) We'd spoken about our lack of sexual activity, and I came to the conclusion that she wasnt attracted to me any more, possibly through the harm I'd done, possibly because we werenty getting on.

3) The bonus I was due in April was at risk as the sales opportunity that was going to pay out the bonus was looking like it may drop oiut.

All of these things combined drove me into the bookies and a casino on Thursday 26th March, where I took out in excess of £2500 and blew it in hours. I came home broke, told my wife what I had done, and accepted that I ahd once again broken promises and a marriage.

Yesterday, my dad wanted to understand exactly where I was. I had been on Netline earlier that day to seek advice and talk to someone that wwould understand, and help me get my thoughts together as to what needed to be done. I had made a plan back in February last year as to how I was going to crack this, but relapsed, and I didnt know how to deal with that. After explaining this, he paid £2000 back into my wife's account, so she wasnt short, and paid another loan payment so that my guarantor wouldnt take the hit. Initially he wasnt willing to help, but he did to my surprise. What was also to my surprise was that he told me that he could resonate with me as to why I had low self esteem, which was in part down to my relationship with my mum. He has given me one last chance to fix this, he said he paid the money because I need to be stable financially without these debts hanging over me, so I could get my life back on track, and B could deicde on her future without the debt hanging over her.

So today, my journey starts. I am battling many demons. I am facing up to having to start a new life on my own. I have the support of my father, I have a job I am enjoying and need to focus on. I have my son who's birthday it is tomorrow and I love dearly. I may or may not have lost my wife, I may also be evicted from the house we rent ( though I do have time and support to control that), I have lost friends. I may or may not be able to retain any of those moving forward, but I have to rid myself of gambling for ever. I know that I can only tackle this day by day, there will be many temptations down the road and many things that I need to change to beat this. But I have to. For me. and my family and friends. But ultimately for me.

I'm Coco, I am 38 years old. I am a compulsive gambler, and on March 26th, I had my last bet. I will not gamble today.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.