Havent been to this new site but the old one.
Coming back upp to the suface from a seven month mad gambling spree. Feel like death is breathing at me right now but I ve been around gambling for 27 years so I will survive. I moorn gambling allready as I know I have to get of it to survive. Its such a large part of my identity it feels surreal to leave it completely. I have an unknowing family thinking everything is fine while I am living it large online. I wont and cant talk about it and I wont. It will be my problem till the grave. So ive cut my ties to ****** and comeon and the others ive been playing at and now i will need to jugle money to get out of the mess im in. Ill manage that to. I think the biggest problem is trying to go back to live normaly again. Specially when one lives like this. But Love my kids and they keep me strong. I need some place to vent and this will do fine. So expect to see some more posts from me shortly.
Broken but not down...
Day 1
A day of reflection and some spirituality.
My reason goes like this. If god gave you a life to live why dont you live it? I mean my entire days have been infront of a laptop on a gambling sites and looking at five spinning wheels. Outside I have nature, birds, air, god, people etc. I have family who wondered why I became a hermit. Back to the question Who am I to choose not to live the life god wanted me to live while i am here? Choices are free to all of us and for us here on this site we clearly made the wrong ones. I think we need to be couragous to move foreward cause none of us gamblers are particularly fond of our own existans but we should not walk around not finding answers. Specially if they are there to be found. I will finish with a great film quote. Get busy living or get buisy dying. I intend to try and live. That is why I am here.
Day 2
No sence of feeling lost today. Wondering what life has in store and how to balance the finances wich are in tatters. Feel like ive been in th boxing ring with tyson and now I need to rest upp. Having these blasts of change and wisdom knocks your energy out. If I need to be bitter about something I would say that I wanted the insight when I HAD the money not after I spent it. Again comes back to the inability to sort out the maths of what addiction makes you into.So now I will try and recharge and see what god and life has in store for me. On an optomistic note that is quite exciting.
Have a good day people!
Trying to find things to do with my time. Used to being nailed to the pc but now i need to move away from it. Time to find some dicipline I havent had earlier.
hello c43
yes change isn't always easy is it?
but you've made a good determined start thinking about how you want to lead your life now
Well done just one day at a time enjoy every day you are free it is worth it
Day 3
Moody and tired. Trying to figure out ways to solve issues that may become to hard to carry by myself. Loans financing loans is never a good solution but there is no one who can understand the real situation and I am not good in telling what the real situation is. In all recovery situations ive been through we are taught we cant handle it alone. Il be damned is I let people take charge of my life anymore. I either fix this or I wont but it will always be my problem. i do not expect others to carry my weight, becides being heavy its something i learnt from previous rock bottoms. Humans arent vey nice in nature infact quite the oposite.
Day 5.
Thank you for the supportive words. They are allways aprieciated. Day is so far peacefull. No greater urge to gamble atm. Think my mind wonders on how to bring the amount of money I need to solve my financial issues but I am a beleiver so there will be a solution eaven to this problem. Had a good visual on how we as humans are torn between good and bad and how it almost is a circle wich we must learn to live within. Its like angel and a deamon having a game of chess with you and family members as all the pieces. Sometimes the angel wins sometimes the deamons. As we all know a game of chess can be a short or a long affair and there are a nr of moves to be made. If the good side wins you get peace of mind and insight. If not the ratt race still continues.
Day 6
I still have no idea on how my finances will be resolved. I keep on klinging to some magic being the solution to this but I keep on being bashed down to earth where the reality is. Fact of the matter is when you are in this situation no good decisions can be made, only bad ones. Destructive ones. I do not see any solutions right now. No magic bag of cash from heaven that is going to get me out of dodge. My only comfort is that ive done this all before. I can go in to being brassic because i have done it before, it is not nice but it can be lived through it. Feeling wise I just feel very empty. Im pretty sure the preassure is there somewhere but I cant muster the energy to look for those feelings when they wont show upp on the surfaice. It think old winston used to say KBO Keep B*******g On. I will do the same till something new comes upp.
Have a good Thursday!
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