30 years of gambling - never had suicidal thoughts until last night

30 years is a long time.

I am 40, and have been gambling since I was around ten years old on 2p Fruit Machines.

I am a professional person with a good job but my personal life and finances have always been a complete mess; I have debt that I avoid like the plague, some stretching back twenty years, I owe fortunes to friends and my parents, who relentless bail me out to the point of pushing their own finances to the extremes. I own nothing; I have no home, car or any material possessions of value; every relationship has been compromised and tainted through me gambling, plus I have got several partners into debt without paying them back. I have spent around £400,000 I would say……

I pay them back and then I borrow again, and then I don’t pay back, month after month, year after year. Things really have got to breaking point - I have let my parents and friends down for months - I am also organizing a big family party which I promised to pay for and organize for everyone. I don’t think I can do it - I don’t think I have enough which means 200 people are going to be let down.

I have known people that have taken their own lives and judged them very badly - I see it as the coward’s way out rather than facing up to your problems. But last night, I found myself standing on a bridge, wondering whether plummeting into the icy waters was the only way out - I had reached a level where there the emotional stress, pain and relentless worry made every waking thought more painful than I could imagine, and I wanted the pain to stop.

But I didn’t, and went home. I expected to feel even worse this morning but I strangely feel brighter and more positive. I don’t honestly feel I can fall any further - people speak on here about reaching “rock bottom”; maybe this is mine. At the moment, I absolutely, thoroughly, despise gambling in every way, shape or form - the very thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

I have said it a million times, over and over for thirty years but this really is it for me. I cannot begin to comprehend how I could ever gamble again - it has almost destroyed me, and it has almost taken my physical being as well. I don’t want to die, I want to live - letting people down and upsetting them so much is unbelievably hard to bear; I can’t process it, I can’t stomach it, but I’ll have to, I’ll have to otherwise it is all over for me.