A journal of the newbie recovering gambler

29 days. Over a month. Embarking on my second month gamble free. My second telephone counselling appointment tonight too. Some really useful insights into how I became who I became.

I struggle due to needing to feel something, anything. Some kind of proof that I am alive, that I exist. Once upon a time I used to get this from fighting, from my beloved judo. I would fight hard, be the only woman amongst twenty huge strong men. And I would fight them with all my might, and I revelled in the pain in my body from these exertions. Such tangible pain, such tangible proof of my existence, that I could feel tearing at me with every step I took. I ached, therefore I was. I miss that with a ferocity that could never be done justice with mere words. 

I age and my body betrays me, but the urges to obliterate Remain. I need to understand this and find a new way. I still have faith in myself and I will not fail. 

Just for today, I will not gamble 

Day 30

Still doing it 🙂 

@aoxbg6d3ji  lucky you I relapsed after 20 days it’s torture . Day 1 today 

all tvs progress I made I flushed down the toilet 

Day 32

Missed doing the update yesterday, not sure if that's a good sign? Still not gambling, though have still been having quite significant urges. But I have stayed strong

 I think the urges are strongest when I am bored, or if I am feeling some emotional stuff that I'm having difficulty with processing. My partner actually said to me he's going to stop for a while because he's been spending too much on roulette. He's always had more self discipline than me and I trust him to stick to his self imposed rules (he won't play roulette unless he has at least 500 pounds in the bank).

I've let him know that I've quit gambling, he just does not know how much of my savings I have burned through. 

Just for today, I will not gamble 

Congratulations on reaching day nine gamble-free; it's a significant step! Your commitment to abstinence and recognizing your triggers is commendable, and I wish you strength on this journey.

Hi Roxy.

Just wanted to introduce myself and having just read all your posts, I wanted to say a huge well done to you so far!👏👏👏👏🩷.

I have been similar to you in that 99.9% of me was so sensible and savvy with my money and the benefits that came from that. However, that other 0.01% of me, lead to so much debt and soul destruction over the years that I could barely recognise myself!🙈.

You seem determined to make a really good go of this and it is clear that you can manage addiction extremely well, as you have demonstrated this by quitting smoking for so long so again, well done to you 👏👏👏.

I hope you have a lovely week ahead and keep watching that money mount up in your bank account - just think of how you can use this for your trip to America to see you daughter.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

 Thank you Hashem.

And thank you pink lady, I have been reading your diary, and have drawn strength and inspiration from it. Am now getting to the point where I forget how many days it has been, a good sign I imagine :).

But it is day 34.

I spoke with my daughter and she is back for a few days next week, minus her husband. She and I will be staying at my mums in Devon for a couple of nights, and I am so looking forward to it :). She also told me she's considering not having children, and it sounds like it's causing a little tension between her and her chap.

Weirdly enough I was almost pleased about this (the no kids, not the tension with husband bit). I think when I really fell down the rabbit hole of gambling, it was when she first told me she'd be most likely moving to the USA permanently, and I was devastated at the idea of not being close to future grandchild.

BUT this will not happen if I don't get any. And I was worried she'd never want to come back, and yet it's only three months since I last saw her. I expect I will talk to her about my gambling problem when I see her face to face. I have always felt like I could tell her anything, because I was only 16 when she was born it's almost like we grew up together. My mum refers to us as "her girls" and my dad used to as well. It's been very difficult to cope with being so far away from her.

BUT the consolation is that she is so happy and living such a good life. She makes my heart burst with pride for her. I want her to be proud of me too. 

Just for today I will not gamble 

Day 35.

I still find my thoughts are on gambling a lot, but I am pleased to note it is not as intense. I had a check in call with gamcare last night that was really helpful, and turned my thoughts towards needing something to replace it. I have a poor tolerance for boredom, and have spent much of my life as a highly functional cannabis addict. Being stoned, along with other benefits, really helps me to tolerate boredom. 

I now realise that my gambling also really took off when I quit weed and alcohol for over six months due to a health scare. So during this time, gambling was my best escape from boredom and my own thoughts. After the all clear from my specialist and with his approval, I have resumed alcohol, ableit strictly within nhs guidelines. I have also been taking sublingual thc. Being able to self medicate in this way has helped me to quit gambling, and I am glad that my drinking ( never more than two small glasses of wine, three times a week) level now can never again get me drunk. Drunk Roxy is as much as a *** as gambling Roxy, and she totally enables gambling Roxy.

But I am not sure I can be sensible with the THC, and when I feel strong enough re the quitting gambling I will turn my attention to banishing weed again. Then I need to get addicted to some healthy stuff. Like carrotts and gardening and swimming. 

Just for today I will not gamble 

Day 36

Still going strong 💪 

Just for today I will not gamble 

@aoxbg6d3ji Well done Roxy. Have a lovely day.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you pink, I hope you had a lovely weekend. I really appreciate you stopping by, and I enjoy reading your entries. 

Day 39

And I note I have forgotten to update two consecutive days now. This can only be an excellent sign. Thinking about gambling less means more space in my head for other things. It pleases me beyond measure that when I recently came into an unexpected windfall, one that almost restores me to the position I was in before I met gambling Roxy (that weak selfish ****), I had absolutely no thoughts about gambing with it. Instead I felt sad thinking about what an even better position I would have been in if I'd never let that imposter in. I also found myself thinking about how long it will take me to get to that better position. So I am still feeling just as motivated, if not more, to save up and listen to sensible Roxy. 

Just for today I will not gamble 

@aoxbg6d3ji Well done Roxy 👏👏👏

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@aoxbg6d3ji 

Roxy! 39 days…keep it up champ 😋

I have to say that your post about boredom, alcohol and weed really got home for me. I was actually thinking today about that my marijuana use, which has been apart of my life for close to 20 years, and how perhaps it is time to move on from it as well.

I too struggle with boredom, and often would fill my time by smoking weed and then playing countless hours of video games. When my son was born 20 months ago i took video games out of the equation and replaced that with gambling…. But i didnt ever think that maybe smoking weed could also have been a trigger or means which aided addiction. Ill be honest though, I enjoy the feeling of being stoned…it is an escape, just ad gambling and video games are - and I think, now that Ive come to realize this, that it is time make an effort to stop this as well. 

Healthier choices have got me through 31 days GF, and it’s been 3 days since I last smoked weed - maybe today should be my 4th, and this week will be the start of another positive week as a result of a good choice.

thanks for your post Roxy - you have helped mr tremendously in several ways now, and I am grateful for you and your posts. Keep up the good work! You are much stronger than you think!

JBruce

Thank you j Bruce for stopping by and posting, I really appreciate it. I follow you as well and you have helped me stay strong 💪. And of course, being stoned is great, that's why we do it. Just gotta be careful it doesn't eclipse other things in life. I'm not quite ready to stop, need to feel in a stronger place with the gambling and I'm definitely getting there. 

Day 42 

And I note with pleasure that I had to refer to my calender in my profile as I had forgotten how many days it has been. I also realised that I must have forgotten to update my daily tally of the money I am saving on at least three occasions, and for four days more recently.  This can only be a good sign.

Today I am off to Devon as my daughter is here from America and we are going to stay at my mums for a couple of nights. No partners so just us girls together. So at the moment I am just really looking forward to that. No gambling thoughts, just daughter ones :).

Just for today I will not gamble 

Enjoying life for what it is. Your money is your money. No need to give it away. Lovely to see you enjoying it. Great to read your diary. You sound super in control and that’s so good to read. If you ever waiver, read your first few entries. You smash those urges straight away!

Stay strong 💪