A journal of the newbie recovering gambler

Thank you weirdfish for stopping by and for the inspirational words. I felt some urges yesterday and followed your advice, and it really did help 🙂 

Day 46 (I think)

Really enjoyed seeing my daughter over the weekend, and it's indescribably lovely to hear how happy she is. I worry about her still, and she did tell me she is certain at this point that she won't have children. Her husband does want children, and he now faces a very difficult decision. 

I felt quite low when I returned, as it will be a while now until I see her next. But I think I'm starting to adjust. She doesn't need me, but that is a good thing. She knows I will drop everything for her if and when she does need me. I've done my job and done it well, so I must concentrate on living my own life now.

Just for today I will not gamble 

Day 49.....wow!

Tomorrow I'm on day 50! Halfway to three figures :). Bank statements finally at the point where I would not be hugely embarrassed at the scale of my stupidity should someone else look at them. Ironically I have gambling to thank for my current home (which I really do love). When I bought it I had to chose a home I could purchase outright, as there was no way I was going to get a mortgage with the level of gambling activity on my account, and that was before it got really bad. Back then I was not touching my savings, but I was spending all my spare money. Back then I told myself it was fine, but I now know that even then I was in the grip of an addiction. 

Now I am getting to the point that I could proudly show my bank statements to any potential mortgage lender. Now I am watching my savings going up again, and I am even considering a buy to let in a few years time, something that would have been impossible before.

I am also really pleased to report that my partner has decided recently that his gambling has gotten too much, and has paid off his credit card and cut it up. He is now only going to allow himself to gamble if his bank balance is above a certain amount. This will restrict him significantly, and I know him well enough to trust that when he says he will do something, he does it. He is also going to start saving up for a second car with me. 

This will help significantly with my continued abstinence. Whilst I still have not been able to bring myself to admit to him just how much of my savings gambling Roxy decided to **** against the wall, I have told him several times that I need to get my savings back up again, and that I cannot gamble at all, due to not being able to limit or control it.

I have been following loads of people on here and I just want to say a huge thank you to those that post with such searing honesty, and yo those who have read about my struggles and offered inspiration and words of encouragement. You have all helped me to get to where I am, and long may it continue (forever and ever, if sensible Roxy stays in the driving seat).

Just for today I will not gamble 

Day 67

They continue to mount up, as does all the sum of all the money I would have given away if I was still gambling. Some quite strong urges today and these have promoted lots of reflection about what gambling did for me and why I found it so compulsive. My partner and I argued last night (fairly rare instance, but every now and then he drinks too much and can be difficult and unkind) and when I woke this morning I felt a familiar urge to be reckless and press my f**k it button.

I shall be talking to my gamstop counsellor about how to deal with such feelings at the next session on Friday. In the meantime, to beat the urges I had been struggling with today, I went for a two hour swim. Feeling drained now but definitely more like sensible Roxy than I did this morning. 

The fight goes on and today has made me realise although I have a grip on it, when I am feeling emotional and vulnerable it can easily become very difficult. However I am very proud that even though I had my little windfall a few days ago, it has stayed securely in my savings account. 

Just for today I will not gamble. 

@aoxbg6d3ji Hi Roxy

I received a pension lump sum today which brought about some gambling thoughts.  That’s all they were though and like you, that money is sitting safely in my savings account!

Nice to speak to you on chat this evening.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi pink. Thank you and you too. And well done to you as well. It's that little voice that says, wow, how much could you turn that money into? You just have to talk back to it and say wow, how quickly could you lose every single penny? Heres to having money and not wasting it 

Day 69

Mild urge this morning, fairly easy to brush off. At the point now in my recovery where I have saved, or at least not spent, nearly 2000 quid :).

Always always wanted a real fur coat and finally bought one on ebay, 45 quid. Little treat for myself as I have done so well. I am very proud of myself for getting to this point, but I am also very aware that I must never be complacent. I know myself well enough to know that I can never even place a small bet, or a small deposit. It would snowball in no time and I'd be back to square one or worse. And I've worked far too hard at this just to throw it all away.

Just for today I will not gamble 

Day 71

Difficult couple of days, huge huge urges. Mostly due to falling out with my mother, who has decided to be super critical and judgemental with me again. She's always been like that, and most of the time I just brush it off, but she really hurt me this time. The last time she upset me this much was when I was assaulted by a male friend (now ex friend, currently waiting to see if the cps will prosecute) and she said he probably just saw you as a w***e! There are many other instances I can think of.

And though I did end up doing some "free spins" and demo gaming, I still did not deposit anything at all. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I am very proud of myself for not wasting any money on slots even though I really wanted to. On the other it shows that gambling is still very much in my system. I have my telephone counselling soon, and I think it will be really helpful.

Just for today I will not gamble 

Hi Roxy,

Sounds like a right time recently and I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Unfortunately one of the things we can't do in life is choose our family, I know that from experience!! Hopefully with her negativity no longer around, you can move on with your recovery in a positive way.

Well done for resisting the urge to deposit money and use gambling as a way to 'forget' your problems for a bit. Hopefully you can find ways to counter the urges.

Keep up the good work. You got this. 💪🏾

Dear Roxy247,

Thank you for being honest and sharing your difficult day.

Sometimes even just externalising, naming and sharing our fears and frustrations can take some of the worry away. I am sorry to hear about the assault and your mothers’ reaction. I hope you are safe now. You are not to blame for being assaulted and your gambling recovery does not define you as a person. It can be painful when people who know us can be judgmental.

It would be understandable to be tempted/urge to gamble for some stress-relief/escapism at the moment so well done for not using any money on the demo at least as you describe. If you feel that this has been a ‘near-miss’ to a lapse then please put focus on self-care activities and surrounding yourself with truly supportive friends and/or family (and I am sure you will continue to receive kind peer support here too).

Best Wishes,

Louise

Forum Admin

Thank you so much, Jay and Louise. Really appreciate the replies. I will be fine, and just writing in my diary and the kind replies have really helped. I will not fail in my abstinence, and I will take today as a lesson to remind me once an addict, always an addict. 

To Louise, I am safe. This occurred some time ago, and I am not only in a different country now (wales), but I have good support. My daughter and some close friends have been great, I have support from a trained isva, and I have a very supportive and loving partner. 

@aoxbg6d3ji Hi Roxy. Just wanted to check in with you and hope you are doing ok. It’s not nice when people are being judgmental, especially when they are close family members at that.

keep your spirits up, knowing that you are doing so well remaining g.f. Especially during difficult moments 👏👏👏👏🩷.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thanks pink, it's really appreciated. We got this 💪 

Day 78

The days keep mounting up, as does the size of my bank balance. God it feels god to not dread looking at my bank statements! I know gambling Roxy is still very much there though. She is always lurking in the corner, staring me down and challenging me to pay her attention again. The constant adverts don't help when you are trying to keep your mind off it. But quitting anything you are addicted to is always hard because temptation is always there, and it comes in many different forms.

Sensible Roxy is still in charge though, and I like her! She is pragmatic, realistic and an excellent saver. She is kind, and has time for others, and she really enjoys watching darts and football without a second thought about what the odds are for various different things.

Gambling Roxy is not a nice person. Sensible Roxy will win. 

Just for today I will not gamble. 

Day 82....wow!

Doing so well that my gamcare counselling is now going to two weekly :). Been a fair few days since I last had any urges to deposit, and then I was going through a very stressful situation that has now resolved itself. Think that was my biggest test yet, and I just dealt with it by swimming a lot (and, if I'm honest, with free spins and demo gambling).

Decided to ask my partner to lock the phone I was sometimes using for free spins and demo gambling as I think that was just encouraging my brain to stay in touch with gambling Roxy. Sensible Roxy grows taller with every day that passes. It's so unbelievably nice to feel like I have cash again. Tonight I am taking my partner for a lovely meal and probably the nicest wine they have available. It will be expensive, but the amount it will cost me I could have burned through in twenty minutes on slots. This will be a much nicer and better way to spend the money.

Just for today I will not gamble. 

Day 85 🙂

Closing in on three months. Stopped all free spins and demo gambling for five days, surprisingly difficult. As it was difficult, I will keep going with it as it shows my brain is still stuck in a gambling loop. Nonetheless I am insanely proud of myself for not depositing for nearly three months. And it's been a while since I had any urges to deposit. 

As always, so important that I never get complacent. I cannot ever place a bet again, as the addict in me never does things by halves. Just like I could never be one of those social smokers. I either smoke like a chimney, or I don't (6 years smoke free September just gone). I either never gamble, or I spend every spare minute and penny doing it.

Just for today I will not gamble.