A journal of the newbie recovering gambler

Thank you weirdfish for stopping by and for the inspirational words. I felt some urges yesterday and followed your advice, and it really did help 🙂 

Day 46 (I think)

Really enjoyed seeing my daughter over the weekend, and it's indescribably lovely to hear how happy she is. I worry about her still, and she did tell me she is certain at this point that she won't have children. Her husband does want children, and he now faces a very difficult decision. 

I felt quite low when I returned, as it will be a while now until I see her next. But I think I'm starting to adjust. She doesn't need me, but that is a good thing. She knows I will drop everything for her if and when she does need me. I've done my job and done it well, so I must concentrate on living my own life now.

Just for today I will not gamble 

Day 49.....wow!

Tomorrow I'm on day 50! Halfway to three figures :). Bank statements finally at the point where I would not be hugely embarrassed at the scale of my stupidity should someone else look at them. Ironically I have gambling to thank for my current home (which I really do love). When I bought it I had to chose a home I could purchase outright, as there was no way I was going to get a mortgage with the level of gambling activity on my account, and that was before it got really bad. Back then I was not touching my savings, but I was spending all my spare money. Back then I told myself it was fine, but I now know that even then I was in the grip of an addiction. 

Now I am getting to the point that I could proudly show my bank statements to any potential mortgage lender. Now I am watching my savings going up again, and I am even considering a buy to let in a few years time, something that would have been impossible before.

I am also really pleased to report that my partner has decided recently that his gambling has gotten too much, and has paid off his credit card and cut it up. He is now only going to allow himself to gamble if his bank balance is above a certain amount. This will restrict him significantly, and I know him well enough to trust that when he says he will do something, he does it. He is also going to start saving up for a second car with me. 

This will help significantly with my continued abstinence. Whilst I still have not been able to bring myself to admit to him just how much of my savings gambling Roxy decided to **** against the wall, I have told him several times that I need to get my savings back up again, and that I cannot gamble at all, due to not being able to limit or control it.

I have been following loads of people on here and I just want to say a huge thank you to those that post with such searing honesty, and yo those who have read about my struggles and offered inspiration and words of encouragement. You have all helped me to get to where I am, and long may it continue (forever and ever, if sensible Roxy stays in the driving seat).

Just for today I will not gamble 

Day 67

They continue to mount up, as does all the sum of all the money I would have given away if I was still gambling. Some quite strong urges today and these have promoted lots of reflection about what gambling did for me and why I found it so compulsive. My partner and I argued last night (fairly rare instance, but every now and then he drinks too much and can be difficult and unkind) and when I woke this morning I felt a familiar urge to be reckless and press my f**k it button.

I shall be talking to my gamstop counsellor about how to deal with such feelings at the next session on Friday. In the meantime, to beat the urges I had been struggling with today, I went for a two hour swim. Feeling drained now but definitely more like sensible Roxy than I did this morning. 

The fight goes on and today has made me realise although I have a grip on it, when I am feeling emotional and vulnerable it can easily become very difficult. However I am very proud that even though I had my little windfall a few days ago, it has stayed securely in my savings account. 

Just for today I will not gamble. 

@aoxbg6d3ji Hi Roxy

I received a pension lump sum today which brought about some gambling thoughts.  That’s all they were though and like you, that money is sitting safely in my savings account!

Nice to speak to you on chat this evening.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi pink. Thank you and you too. And well done to you as well. It's that little voice that says, wow, how much could you turn that money into? You just have to talk back to it and say wow, how quickly could you lose every single penny? Heres to having money and not wasting it 

Day 69

Mild urge this morning, fairly easy to brush off. At the point now in my recovery where I have saved, or at least not spent, nearly 2000 quid :).

Always always wanted a real fur coat and finally bought one on ebay, 45 quid. Little treat for myself as I have done so well. I am very proud of myself for getting to this point, but I am also very aware that I must never be complacent. I know myself well enough to know that I can never even place a small bet, or a small deposit. It would snowball in no time and I'd be back to square one or worse. And I've worked far too hard at this just to throw it all away.

Just for today I will not gamble