Hi, My name is Pras and I am a compulsive gambler. My first bet was in 2007 and my last bet was on 28th January 2018 - 2 weeks ago. I've lost a lot of money over the last decade chasing losses, lied to family and friends to borrow money, stole from my parents and my girlfriend. Caused a lot of pain to my loved ones and I'm extremely ashamed of myself. I want to put this all behind me and do not want to gamble in any shape or form ever again. I thank my lucky stars that my girlfriend is still with me after the damage I've caused and extremely grateful that she's helping me tackle this horrible illness.
I have self excluded myself from online gambling sites for at least 5 years - pity that they don't do permanent exclusion. Broadband provider has blocked access to all gambling sites and the account is under the girlfriend's name. We both have installed gamban app on our android phones so I have absolutely no chance to gamble on my phone or laptop. This is a massive step towards my recovery because I lost myself in the world of online roulette. It all started with roulette machines in bookies but since I discovered online roulette and how easy it was to deposit and withdraw money without worrying to cash out every 10 minutes, I never looked back. On top of that I didn't like people looking over my shoulders while I was trying to concentrate on my numbers, patterns, whatever. Online gambling gave me the peace that I wanted. It was all me, my laptop and the roulette wheel. I got hooked pretty bad. I'd gamble at every opportunity. I'd even gamble whilst sat in the loo. Sometimes, I'd gamble all night, sleep less than an hour and go to work in the morning.
Now, I want to defeat the demon inside me and kill this horrible illness for good. I just completed 14 days without betting and it feels better knowing that I can turn this around, this can be achievable. Of course, it's still early days but I'm taking one day at a time. I have no access to money anymore. My girlfriend looks after the finance including my debit, credit cards and the credit report. We have a 22 month plan to repay my debts. I only get cash for fuel and I show the receipt when I get home. I will be doing more house chores, reading and other creative things to keep myself busy especially when I'm off work.
Last but not least I'd like to thank everyone in this forum. I have read so much over the last 2 weeks and taken so much advice. This is my diary and I shall be writing my recovery here everyday as long as I have the resources. This is a new beginning. I did not gamble today and I shall not gamble tomorrow. 14 days gambling free. Thank you.
Pras
Thats a great start pras.It is possible to get lifetime exclusions. I've got them from sky, pokerstars, full tilt, l*******s and grovsners. I sent them an email saying I was a compulsive gambler and that I'd been to prison because of my gambling.
I also have lifetime exclusions at stanley, london clubs, and grovesnor land based casinos, I put letters through the doors of my local ones about 15 years ago. I know that the exclusions work I tried to go in a grovsnor casino about 18 months ago.
You've taken some massive steps mate and should be proud of yourself. The important thing is to keep it up.
Well done on your good start.
Dear Diary,
I'm 15 days gamble free today. It's been a day well spent. Me and the missus went to Box hill in surrey. We had a lovely walk although the trek back was a little bit struggle. I do shift work so I don't get every weekend off and whenever I'm off weekends I normally waste them watching football or something not important on telly. Therefore, going out today and enjoying the nature like normal people do was literally a breath of fresh air. The weather was kind, people looked happy, kids were laughing and running, dogs were having fun too. It was a lovely day. Thanks to my girlfriend that she came up with this plan at the beginning of the week and gave me the heads up. We had a couple of homemade sandwiches packed up for lunch so we didn't have to spend any money.
After we came home, we baked bonaffee pie. I mean we tried because it was neither a success nor a disaster. We did follow the instructions but the outcome wasn't what we'd thought of. However, the taste was great so can't complain too much. Maybe we'll get it right next time. Let's hope so.
Spent the evening waching a couple of episodes of Altered Carbon on netflix. Again, talking about watching tv series if it was upto me I would have probably finished the whole series in one go. Maybe I get hooked onto things too easily because I'm a compulsive gambler? My gilfriend definitely thinks there is a correlation hence she's teaching me to be patient and take things easy. One step at a time. Just like my recovery, one day at a time.
I had a great time today both outside as well as at home. I did not gamble today.
Geordie - Thanks for your advice, I'll definitely look into it.
Goodnight and have a great week everyone. Signing off...
Pras
Sounds like a perfect Sunday to me. Stay strong and GF =)
Welcome to the diaries Pras.
Glad you had a good day on Box Hill. All that fresh air and a chance to enjoy the great outdoors.
Wishing you well in your recovery...stephen
Thank you sjwsjw and Stephen.
Whole day spent at work and the evening with the missus at home. The most important thing is that I did not gamble today. Off to bed now. 16 days GF.
Pras
Hi Pras, welcome to the forum 🙂
Congratulations on the 1st 2 weeks & 2 days of your journey & how lovely that your girlfriend is supporting you so well 🙂
I know you have been reading around the site so may have taken quite a bit on board...Have you given any consideration to GA or counselling (GamCare can provide this free of charge)? Gambling in isolation is all too common, because of the solitude & the peace it allows you to escape your thoughts. Sadly it doesn’t despatch them though, just compounds them with added financial burden 🙁
I can certainly understand you wanting to watch the entire series all @ once...When I stopped gambling I played Candy Crush until my eyes nearly fell out & then replaced that with frantic GamCare activity reading every post, replying to almost everything I read. I maintain that both those activities (I’m told they are transient addictions) were way healthier than gambling but as your girlfriend says, there is a correlation & the more I learn about addiction & myself, the less I behave in that way.
Being normal was something I really looked forward too when I 1st started my journey, only I didn’t know what normal was. I’m starting to understand that it is about walks in the outside (which I must do more of) & children playing (which is one of my favourite sounds in the whole world) but it’s also about knowing myself & what is acceptable behaviour. The shame I had from being a gambler has slowly been replaced by shame of how I have behaved generally, & thought was acceptable behaviour in the past...I don’t know if I’ll ever shrug that off completely but knowing what I do now gives me something to work on to be a better person. Being a gambler has given me a blueprint for how to behave (through the GA program) & I’m no longer embarrassed to say “I’m an addict!”
Turned into a bit of a ramble there but hopefully you know where I’m coming from. Recovery may get rocky @ times but you’re already seeing that life without gambling is much more rewarding. Keep up the good work & high five to our partners for putting up with us - ODAAT
Hi Pras
Well done in getting some gamble free days under your belt.
My vice was also the bookies roulette, yes I can relate to the ones watching over your shoulder or the ones pretending to look at the racing pages stuck to the wall but really watching you. Then off course there's the advice givers, shouting out about 7 different numbers to put your money on and if one of those numbers comes in, they want a cut!
The more time away from gambling, the easier it will be.
Take care.
Shaun
ODAAT - Yes, I've filled in the the online registration form for counselling. I got a reply saying they'll get back to me as soon as a slot becomes available. Thanks for the advice and kind words.
Sha999 - Yep, absolutely! I just hope that I will never have to see such a day again. Thank you for the support.
I did not gamble today. 17 days GF.
Pras
Valentine's day today and I had no money to buy even a card for the missus. Such a rubbish feeling it is when you remind yourself of the damage done so far because of your actions. I kept asking "why did I gamble all my wages? why? why? why am I such an idiot??" So ashamed of myself. I messaged her from work earlier that I am so sorry for not getting her anything today coz I screwed up big time. Luckily, she is very understanding and she wasn't expecting anything at all. All she wants is me to not gamble and become a good man. I feel very fortunate to have someone like her by my side. I sincerely hope that this time next year I'll be 383 days gamble free and I'll be in a position to shower my baby with loads of gifts and that's the least she deserves. Taking one day at a time. 18 days GF.
Pras
Sounds like you have a great woman there. Just make sure you treat her right. Love and attention is worth more then one day the world agrees to show it. If you can stay away from gambling you can make everyday better for the both of you.
Look forwards, not back.
All the best =)
sjwsjw - 100% agree that love and attention is worth more than one day the world agrees to show it. I just wish that I'd found this forum much earlier. I suppose it's better late than never.
Had a day off work today. Normally, I spend my rest days just sleeping till late, watch TV, etc. nother productive basically. However, today was a good day. I made myself busy with chores. Opted to radio instead of TV and it helped a lot with cleaning so I'll be doing that more oftern on my rest days. All thanks to the missus that she kicked my back side off the bed this morning and got me do some work in the house. I so needed that.
I got a message from one of my cousins to pay the money back I owe. Normally, this would send me right back to my online gambling because as soon as people start asking for their money back all I think of is gambling big and winning big. No planning on how to repay everyone slowly but just hoping for that one big win and pay everyone back in one go. Of course, I always lose and just repeat the cycle. However, this time the missus has come up with a 22 month plan to repay all the money I owe to my friends and family so I simply replied that I will pay back once I get paid. It felt good for a change knowing that I don't have to gamble anymore just because someone is asking for their money back. I know that I will repay them at some point. It's just a matter of time. I will not rush and I will certainly not gamble for it. Taking one day at a time. 19 days GF.
Pras
Picked up some overtime at work today so in overall a good day. I'm happy that I did not gamble today. 20 days GF.
Pras
Long day at work, absolutely knackered so off to sleep. 21 days GF.
22 days GF. Taking one day at a time.
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