a new chapter

Hi Lyn,

Hope you ok and keep moving forward.

would love to hear from you.

Take care and keep fighting the good fight:)

Sandra x

It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

So I have been absent for a while, guess why?? i think I just got caught up in it all again for a while... shame, embarrassment but mainly the fact i was trying to convince myself that I didn't really have a problem (or maybe the fact I didn't want to stop) stopped me from coming on here.

Amazing the sense of numbness causes - no feeling of excitement when winning, no feeling of loss when loosing. Just a circle of win - chase more wins, loose chase those losses.

Fortunately I think I have pretty much broken even over the past month or so, but after a big win - and big losses last night I have decided I MUST STOP NOW. Breaking even would soon turn into further losses, not to mention the emotional toll it takes on me.

Strange, didn't really feel much before coming on here, yet the second I signed in I just burst into tears, and am now writing this with them streaming down my face. I think it goes to show I must know I really need to stop, and coming back on here is a big step. I know I have said it before and people must get fed up of hearing it, but I really do need to stop and I really do want to. I have so much more important things in my life to focus on, I am completely fed up of not having the strength to fight this. Why is it so hard?

Today is the day it stops. It has to be.

I wish everyone on here well, and thank you for the messages of support whilst I was absent, I only just wish I had logged on before now.

Hai MovinOn

So very true '' it wasn't supposed to be this hard '' but it is hai, so no beating your self up. If anything a big cyber pat on the back coming your way in finding your way back to these diarys.

Pretty natural to deny we've got a problem with compulsive gambling but hai ho, we do and that bridge is well and truly burnt.

Its a slow process Lyn, but first we need to front up and admit to ourselces that we're beaten on the gambling front, yet winners on the living front.

Keep on keeping on.

Thanks V, again for ur wise words. Day two sorted - a couple of split second thoughts about having a go, but split second was all it was and I guess that is habit. What I have to realise and remember is I will never be able to quit when I am winning. I will never have a strategy or game plan which will beat the odds and the slots don't owe me, they never have and they never will. There is only one winner when it comes to gambling and it is not me. Even when winning I am loosing so best to stay away. My previous post said it was never supposed to be this hard, and it wasn't. I guess when I first came on here I thought ny admitting I had a problem I would cure myself. I didn't expect to have to work so hard at abstinence. I am generally an achiever, I work hard at everything and can be as stubborn as hell. When someone doubts me I go out of my way to proove them wrong, so I struggle to understand why this is so different. I have read many other posts and I think I need to work out what I am running from when I gamble, I understand that now I gamble because I am an addict. But there was a time I wasn't, so why did I do it then, what wad I looking to get from it. Guess I may have been thinking too much about it today, but it has been hard to think of anything else. I am looking forward to the day it doesn't full my mind quite do much, I know it doesn't take long to get to that stage. Been there before, then I have to worry about complacency, but I will cross that bridge. when I get there. Lyn is moving on for good this time xx

So day 3 is here, feel I have a dark cloud over me today but hopefully it will lift. Just have to stay strong, need to get some positivity back. Lyn x

Hi Lyn,

Very pleased to see you come back and ready to fight the good fight. Keep close to this site, we are here ready to help to go through darker days.

You can do it. Try to keep busy and something joyfull to keep you going and hopefully the dark cloud will lift quicker than you think:-)

Keep posting and well done on 3 days g free

Day at a time

Sandra x

thanks sandra, end of day 3 and feel more positive. Think my OH may know me better than I give him credit for. Called me 30mins before I left work to say he was taking me out for dinner, and a very nice dinner it was to. I think this is probably the first time since we have been together (10 yrs) he has done this (we obviously have been out for dinner before) guess he just knew I was feeling low. Have to remind myself sometimes I am loved, and that is the most important thing in life! Keep up the good work all xx

Hey girl,

Arr....love is in the air:-):-):-):-)

You are doing great..concentrate on ur loved ones...so much easier to ride ur recovery forward..be proud, enjoy, love ... you DESERVE IT DARLING!!!

Take care and have a lovely week;-)

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra, much needed smile! Found it really tough this week, a few tearful days for no apparent reason.... Been working loads which should help but somehow it hasn't, kinda feel what's the point put in all this effort and for what? Previously I had felt good about myself for admitting and facing my demons but currently just trying to figure it all out. Think I am dwelling too much on failure rather than what could be, but it is much quicker digging this hole than trying to get out of it. Must just thibk of the positives I was always so good at doing that and not quite sure what has happened. Hey ho, onwards and upwards as they say, Lyn x

Hi Lyn

I have just join this forum, and read you first post and thought this is me, the tears, the shame and being a failure, read you post today and we have to keep thinking about the positive things in life as we can beat this awful addiction.

Keep in touch

Jo xx

Thanks Jo, must remember to keep up the fight. Feel slightly more together today, but no more accepting of the situation and no more settled in myself. Been here before but not so strongly, really feel a deep despise for gambling. Have my mot soon and fear I won't be able to afford it if it fails, yet didn't seem concerned with this a couple of weeks ago. It is as if reality has snuck up on me and I wasn't ready. Stupid as I am sure I have been saying the same things month on month, I either forget the pain or get paid, which ever comes first and then take myself back to square one. I just wish I could shake this feeling. Anyway one day at a time, I just have to remind myself days turn in to weeks and then weeks into months. Onward and upwards into a better future Lyn x

Hi Lyn,

You said it girl...'days will turn into weeks and weeks will turn into months'...concentrate on your recovery and you will soon realize how rewarding your hard earned money can be...be kind to yourself:-)

Take care

Keep going strong - you can do it!!

Sandra x

Hi there, thanks Sandra 🙂

Feeling much more positive today albeit very tired! Finally had a chat with the OH and explained the level of debt I was in, although I think he was shocked he was ok and said he will help. I also explained that I do not want another transaction relatingto gambling ever to come out of my bank again. From my next statement I am going to make it available for him to see. Whilst I am not able to hand over finances complerely, as this would not work this means I will be transparent as to what I am spending and means if I have the temptation, I can not get

away with it, then I will have to face his disappointment as well as my own. Anyway that's it for now. Take care all x

Hey Lyn,

Thanx for dropping by. Most appreciated.

You sound in a lot better place. That's it, you have to keep the fight going!

Every little step is massive progress in this recovery.

Believe in yourself and keep making the right choices.

You doing rather well darling

Take care and be proud

S x

Hi Lyn,

Hope you keeping well and carrying on with your life on a brighter side of the road.

Take care

Sandra x