A New Start, Same Journey

Hi dave... a very open and honest post mate.... Talking does help doesn't it. Am gonna have a chat with my mate later. I haven't spoken to anyone since I left work on Friday. It may just be chit chat but it all helps to shift the mood to something more positive I think. Its easy to get stuck in low mood and self-destructive thinking. I know that one only too well.

Only pay what you need to pay with the debts Dave. You say it yourself.. working and sleeping ain't no life. Maybe the other thing is just to spend "time" with your wife and friends etc. It doesn't have to be doing stuff that costs money. Its just being around each other and enjoying the company. I sense that you feel overly guilty about the past and I know when I feel like that.. it gets me wanting to "do" things for others rather than just relax and be myself. Not sure if that makes sense but am sure you get the idea.

Thoughts are with you mate. Enjoy your day off tomorrow. Your life is ok it really is, its just the money thing... as long as the debts are going down however slowly.. that's all that matters. Regards... S.A

Day 14 pretty much half way through the first month crazy how time flys. I'm off for pretty much 2 weeks from Sunday so it'll be a month gone when I get back to work - soon be Christmas!! Not doing much on me hols but really can't wait for a break. Think I need it and it'll be nice to have some quality time with my wife - as you have said SA and I do get what your saying I plan to have some quality time with her, will be seeing family and friends but will have plenty of time just the 2 of us hopefully just being us chilling together having fun like we have in the past.

So it's now day 17 but gonna have to add some brackets in. Day 17 (£7 spent on gambling). I'm not going to start the count again as although when I done the bet later on I felt awful and I felt really bad today (I bet yesterday) I now feel good that I feel so terrible and am so gutted about that bet even tho it's only £7, to me it shows I've come along way. I know that I really want this. Yes I've slipped but I know now that any bet however big or small makes me feel terrible and it just isn't worth feeling this way.

So to describe what happened I got a text from my bro-in-law asking me to put a £3 bet on and as I'm self excluded from all bookies (a fact that he doesn't know) I thought of how could I do it - I should've got a friend to put it on for me or just said I couldn't do it - but what I did was try a few of my online accounts - I'm excluded from loads and any that have ran out would have limits on as I did limits and self exclusions but I found a site that I wasn't excluded from and had a £10 deposit limit on it. Now you can't just deposit £3 and this site had a £10 minimum deposit so I deposited my £10 and I already joked with him that I should have a quid on with him (the bet was £1 for him and a £1 for 2 of his mates so me having a £1 on it was us all having a quid on it) so I put £4 on the bet and that left £6 and with my gambling head on I thought why withdraw that £6 (they're maybe a minimum withdrawal aswell I'm not sure) but anyway I chucked that £6 on some golf bets. And all those gambling juices were now flowing. It was so wierd it was like I was back and my head was now clouded and I could feel myself changing and I regretted it and later on in the day I felt awful. I had given up the chance to have a gamble free calander year and I'm now going to be removed from the year long thread and I just felt so empty. I'm gutted I did it and this morning I looked at basketball odds even tho I was regretting it I couldn't help it and if it wasnt for my self exclusions and the fact that I had no way of getting a bet on I think I may have had another bet and it would've been a lot more than £6!! It just goes to show that however much you want this that if you show any weakness it'll pounce on you. I'm just lucky I had those exclusions in place and I didn't go out of my way to get that bet on. I feel that, that £7 has taught me a great lesson even tho I should have already learnt it by now. But I'm glad that i feel so bad about it and I'm glad I have been honest on here and not just tried to hide it. If I'm not honest on here what's the point, it would mean I could spend some more and lie about that to, no, honesty is the way.

So what next. I keep going, keep trying and if I say day 365 (£7 spent) then that'll do me. It's gonna be a tough year. Will see how it goes, I'm not puting to much pressure on myself. I have never had a bet free Cheltenham and I have been giving up gambling for probably 5 years yet I have never got through those 4 days, so that's gonna be a massive hurdle and would be a massive achievement if I could stay gamble free beyond march. Time will tell. One day at a time.

Hi Dave,

I relate to your feelings right now 100%...it is not about money is it? We have made changes inside us, ant the feeling to spend even a £1 on smthing we used to spend hundrets is devastating emotionally.

Don't beat yourself up for it...Jeez, you are doing great and i'm sure this little dark moment just proved you what you really expect from your life. To find peace, happiness and be honest with yourself.

Addiction feeds from our low moods and waits patiently round the corner to jump on our backs. You stayed strong my friend and shook the beast of your back straight away...it is smthing you should be proud of. Another lesson learned, a lot clearer picture of what u want from the future.

You deserve better, and you are keeping on the right path. Respect my friend...

Stay on the tread for the last two weeks and just put 90 days, except one little blip..it is nothing compared with the walk you made in recovery so far.

Take care

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feels

Sandra x

Hey Dave

Feeling terrible about something is not always a bad thing!! Especially when it comes to feeling terrible about gambling!! You are definitely moving forward and the most important thing is that you are learning more and more that you no longer wish to go down the gambling road.

I learnt such a valuable lesson when I gambled for those few hours (I am gamble free one year today)!! I learnt what my triggers were but more importantly, how to deal with those triggers in the future.

Around Christmas time, I had such strong urges when I got paid (which was always one of my triggers) but I just kept reminding myself that the urge would eventually go away and more importantly, I just did not want to go down that road ever again.

Keep on keeping on Dave and never give up giving up.

Take care.

Feb.

Thank you Sandra and feb. Day 20 feeling good I realised I haven't mention I'm on holiday from today got just over a week - well nearly 2!! I'm back next Saturday. Had a few odd days to take also. Looking forward to just chilling. Gonna see some friends and family along the way aswell which will be good. It's just gonna be nice to have a decent break from work. This month has been busy so could use the break. Prrfect timing aswell with me slipping. I did have a few urges over the weekend but now I have nearly 2 weeks with the wife knowing that I can't gamble so it should be out of my system by the time I'm back to work.

(20 days of 2014 £7 spent gambling see page 13)

Dave

The secret of your addiction caught up with you fella, I am gutted for you that you found yourself again formulating and am in the same breathe glad to read that your blocks helped to keep the damage to a minimum.

Have you self excluded from those remaining sites??

If you are not going to tell your brother in law this scratch my become an itch again.

It is not about the losses,for me I established long ago it is the emotional damage waged that leaves a scar on the memory, I still can't believe I gifted my recovery back to addiction back in october, f**k I would be 3 days from two years gamble free.

Fact is I did and today is day 81 in my continuous recovery, it is a harsh lesson to go back to day one, but an honest one, one I wont be taking lightly, I will not gift my recovery back to addiction so easily again.

I hope you enjoy your well earnt break.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Dave,

Thanx for dropping by and well done for keeping high spirits and belief going. You doing great and much needed holiday will make you the whole lot better....ahhh...I am jelous of your time off lol...but surely my turn will also come sometime this year 🙂

Keep doing what you doing and moving forward on recovery path. Have a lovely rest, enjoy every minute with ur dear ones and keep up keeping up.

Take care and speak later!!! :-))

(((((((( Dave ))))))))

Sandra x

Hi Dave,

Dear solder and good friend 🙂

Hope all is well with you and you keep fughting the good fight!!

Thank you once again for your tread, you not only helped me to stay on a straight and narrow, but so many more souls on here.

Stay close by, keep posting

We are all here for good and bad times

Day at a time

Keep it up!!

Sandra xx

Hi mr.Dave,

Hope all is good with urself, and you had a relaxing weekend and taking it easy and calm every day.

All the best, and a little wave to say you are not forgotten 🙂

Take care

Drop a line when you can

Sandra x

Hi Dave

Thanks so much for hosting the Christmas thread. Sorry to read that things have been more difficult recently- keep up the fantastic effort.

Take care

Irene

x

Hi Dave,

I've not posted for a while but it is my intention to encourage other's in the future. Addiction is an illness which we will battle for the rest of our lives. I have read through your diary. Always similar to mine, every one I read is!

Just remember to always start again with day one. Don't beat yourself up. s**t happens. Recognise the triggers and teach yourself how to deal with your negative emotions in a more positive way. Spirituality has helped me, find your own way and continue with it.

I have relapsed several times and knocked myself backwards. It's vital that we take hold quickly and re root ourselves again with action. Action to quit again and focus to maintain. We stumble we fall we get back up again and continue to fight. Let battle commence once more and you will continue to win. The only way is abstinence. Things get better in time.

Wishing you well.

Againstnature x

Wow nearly a month since I posted on my diary. I've decided that I'm gonna stick to not posting, I have a diary of my own that I now write in everyday the words I will not gamble today. I add any feelings/thoughts that I feel are relevant and I think it's helping.

Although I love to help those on here and it really has made me feel good in the past when I've posted some words of encouragement or advice or when I've received a post on my diary from someone thanking me for the advice I've given. And the threads have been rewarding for numerous reasons. But I think and it's hard to say but I do need to just focus on myself. I have struggled for years to kick this addiction and I'm still struggling and slipping up. Doing my own personal diary lets me do that. Just all about focusing on not betting and how I'm feeling and it means I am able to write what I want just for me. Although I am honest on here sometimes I take stuff out of a post or maybe don't deliver all of a story as I don't want it to be took the wrong way or to have a negative impact on anyone reading it.

So although I owe gamcare and all it's users a massive thank you, this is kinda a goodbye. I will be about and I'm sure I will post again but few and far between. The good thing is I know it'll be here so if I do just go of the rails however hard it maybe I will come back and start my journey once more.

I always planed to get around all those that completed the thread and congratulate them on what really is a massive achievement, it maybe a bit late but I will do that soon and drop in on a few friends that have given me so much support in the last 2-3 years.

Thank you all and goodnight!

Hey Dave,

Coming closer to another month of not posting :-)))

Time for an update!!! Lol...no pressure of course 🙂

Thank you for ur kind words on my diary, really appreciated. Hope all is ok with yourself and you keep making the right choice.

All the best and hope to hear from you soon.

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hiya Dave

Lovely to hear from you and pleased you have found a good balance likewise I'm doin the same, as for the support I gave you and can only say the same and thank you for yours

Castle2