A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

ADT785 Hiya I'm the person Oldham is talking about I found your therapy amazing and can understand so much of your journey thanks for the update and well done on your recovery really is inspiring stuff

cheers guys!

Well i only posted a week ago but today.... Not sure what it is but woke up feel really stressed.Maybe its my first weekend off in 4 weeks and been working at a high rate. Maybe its the weather, maybe its i fed my daughter a huge dessert which is too rich and too much for me as a 16st 33 year old and shes a 6 year old..... Sick in the bed twice and in the toilet..... Oh dear.... I may have quite gambling for 500 odd days but im still a d***a** sometimes learning curve with dessert observed.

So I havnt been to see my counciller in about 2 or 3 months long time for me. Not sure if i need it anymore. I dont gamble i dont feel like gambling. i tried to re-new my self exclusions in a bookies and got to the door and i just couldnt walk in there near the fobits (self exclusion line is a winner) Being complacent with gambling scares me a bit. I get told not to be complacient but how do i know if i am being complacient.....

I had a read of Tommys diary and really struck home hit me about what he has been through and how i went through that. realise that i need to read more diarys......

Well thats me having a bit of a moan. I have been quite possitive in my posts the last 8 months. What i can say is that if i was gambling on a day like today i would be in a really bad place.... Instead im thinking maybe desserts should have age limits on them.......

You can't wait for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain.

A lesson learned.

So i am going to the boxing in Cardiff on the weekend, I had the chance to get tickets presale so i thought i would chance it buy a few as an investment and sell on for Profit.... What has happened is that the promotor has decided to add more tickets and then the fighter changed and i have been stuck with tickets. i have manged to shift them but i am £40 down... Thats nothing in the real world. But i have been loosing sleep worried about it feel angry with the loss and it just clicked i have inadvertadly taken a gamble and the feeling i have experienced with the loss is what i would feel when pumping a machine at the bookies. I put money down with the idea of earning money. Its got me thinking... What is the diffrence between gambling and investing.

I didnt get the buzz off the investment it wasnt a high. But a little loss on an investment has really had an impact on me. I feel moody and a bit angry. I have been loosing sleep over it I dont class it like i am gambling again or i have any urges to do so but the loss has wounded me and stired up a lot of memories.

So what have i learned here! I need to be very very careful with investing money! I still have a long way to go with my releationship with money. I could have been out of pocket 100s of pounds but im down 40. I dont think its the amount its the principle for me. I need to put it behind me i know and move forward. Have i been complacent here... Maybe i have but then if i put money in a savings account or buy shares they can do this also.... Can tell im a bit conflict and blurting out feeling here.

I will book and apointment with my counciller as need to have a good chat and work through out.

Other than that.... Work is going ok been working farrrrr to much and have a long decerved weekend off this weekend and have a 4 days off tail end of next week to chill!

You cant wait for the storm to pass you have to learn to dance in the rain

Hiya Andy

Thanks for the mention .these are times when you need to put all your experiences of stopping in play .look at your changes I remember your early days you have done an amazing thing by coming strait on your diary to vent out and let your anger out . obviously I'm going say what you already know just let the 40 pound loss go and move on we all know the losses would be no where near that amount when gambling .look at it as if you have helped a few people out and sorted some cheaper tickets to the boxing and I'm sure there all happy with the price so you have done a good deed .hope to see more posts pal I'm working on it aswell keep going pal and keep dancing in the rain Tommy

hey Tommy Thanks for the comment how true you are!

So Thursday i possibly had one of the worst days to be honest in a very long time. I had a day where i was reflecting on my life pre quitting gambling about money spent money lost what i could have done with the money all because i had lost £40 selling tickets. I think i have been working way way to hard in 65 days i had only had 5 days off i had been sleeping less i was physically and mentally exhausted.I woke up Friday took a few sleeping tablets night before slept 9 hours and felt fresher.

I had my daugther with me and her climbing into bed with a smile on her chops is enough for me! I took her to school got on the train the sun was shining music playing and i thought.... Im still gamble free. This was not a bet for a buzz was a way to make some money. Had a chat with my dad about it before the boxing on saturday said to me that you may have quit gambling with bookies for a thrill but have you quit gambling. Life is a gamble you change jobs you buy a house the idea is its a place to live but things have a value it can go up or down he is right in that sense!

So Friday i pretty much finished my father christmas shop.... My gf got me 20% in toys are us so i felt really good how prepared i am! Saturday i went to the boxing in cardiff with my dad uncle and cousin we had a great day out the boxing was great and we were all happy and drinking whiskey from a hip flask at 1am waiting to be picked up. Think the memory of that moment will stick with me forever.

Yesterday mind..... I felt very hungover haha! nice day on the sofa chilling. SO 3 days in work then 4 day weekend got my daughter going to have a late halloween on Wednesday night few games hocuspocus then have her for a few days taking her to a bonfire disaplay on sat night in Cardiff one of the best in wales went a few years ago. Feeling a lot happier and loving this blue sky crisp Autumn day.

You can't wait for the storm to pass you got to learn to dance in the rain.

Some times when the sun is shining that storm is always not far behind.....

So been a pretty up and down couple of months, Been very hard work with my daughter. My daughter is having a few issues at the moment. basically she is obsessed with her Mum litrally wont leave her alone. the issue i have with this is that she crys and is very very unhappy when she come and stays with me. its never too bad in the day but come night time it is murder she crys forced herself to be sick. it reached its head yesterday when i had a phone call off my ex saying that she doesnt want to go to school she is crying and saying she doesnt want to be here any more. I havnt had her for a week as was away and as my ex has been on placement she has been staying with me for extended periods way it fell... So sat down with my ex and basically after 18 months my girl is still unhappy with the seperation she feels sad as her brother has gone to live with his dad and doesnt see him, She is upset with extended periods away from her mum and that she has moved house 3 times with her mum also her mum has had a few boyfriends on her 3rd now and tbh he seems to have been around for a while and daughter seems to aprove.... basically she cant settle down as there is constant change and needs some stability.... She is so unhappy she wants to know where her mum is as she is concerned for her. I took her for a coffee and cake last night and had a cwtch and was lovely at the time. I came home and thought well how ever s**t this feels some good is that me and my ex are communicating well and constructivly on our daughters happiness and the steps we have put in place going forward. We have decided that we are going to take her to my theripist which i used for gambling specialises in kids with things too and she has seen elinor once and is a lovely person so hopfully this helps a bit.

I had a really tossing and turning night last night hate the thought of her unhappy has been a while now and its time to act. I was tossing and turning thinking about my life as a gambler with all this. I still have issues with releasing emotions and i havnt gambled and wont gamble but it made me think at times like this i would have been straight on the fobits.

So thats my negaitves and a big one and weighing me down like an ancher feel so flat at the moment doesnt help that last weekend i went on a jolly to belfast to watch the killers and enjoy the sights really had a great time! kinda come back to reallity with a bump as work is doing my head in have so much and it is never ending..... hopfully feel bit more positive soon normally pretty optamistic and happy go lucky but struggling this week.

I finally bought the car i have been saving hard for got myself a couple year old bmw really good nice to have a good looking car that works! got christmas to look forward to a stag in krakow in feb and booked a weekend in rome. Nice to be reaping some reward from not saving for divorce and gambling fall out!

Sorry for the moan but needed a good type and you know have to practice what you preach.....

You cant wait for the storm to pass you got to learn to dance in the rain

Day 608

been a few months and fancied a type.

After 600 plus days i still feel the rumblings of the addiction......

So in the space of 1 week i have had two dreams about gambling, . It is always the same kind of dream i am in the bookies its lunch time (prime time for me) and i am hitting the fobit hard. im going back and for putting 100s of pounds in the machine and that is the end of the dream. The thing is this is what i used to do but i wake up and i genuinely thing i have done it. I proberbly had the worse hangover off it last time took me hours after waking up to realise i hadnt done it and feel that relief of wow i havnt gambled im fine... I had the second the night before last it wasnt the same and when i woke up straight away reconigsed was a dream but two in a week rough usually it is every few months.

Well in my last post mentioned issues with my daughter still a long road to go but she is staying with me loads and really happy that she is happier. my therapist is helping her with feeling and think it doesnt help she is petrified of the dark at the moment! Basically my 6 year old now stays in my bed which is good in some ways bit d**n she wiggles and kicks in her sleep lol ! going to start weanning her in her own room shortly.

Life has been good had a great christmas and new year work is manic so will keep me busy into the year. got a ton of trips to look forward to so head down this month mind you 34 in a few days..... kinda age you dont want to celebrate lol

You cant wait for the storm to pass you have to learn to dance in the rain.

Day 1001

if you told me 1002 days ago i could get into 2 numbers let alone 4 i would look at you like what the fu.....

I dont generally think about gambling anymore it used to consume my everywaking monent. i walk passed a betting shop nowdays and i see people on the machines and i feel sad that their in that cycle that they cant break. Its cruel vicious disease that when your on that merry go round the ups and downs of the wins and losses that high of the win that takes you from a low is euthoric and is what hooked me.

It wasnt about the money looking back on in but the damage that has casued me 1001 days later i am still paying off.... But its manageable and i have paid off well over half this is from not gambling for a few years working hard in a job getting a pay rise and 7 months geting a promotion. If i was still gambling id never have the focus or drive to stick my head down.

What made me quit gambling i hit a breaking point my ex wife had an affair as i wasnt tending to myself and marrage. My job life and self was suffering........ When it all hit the fan i made the decision enough is enough i need to take control and i battled and battled. I wrote on here i saw a counciller for a year and half every few weeks at first then once a month (35 quid a month is a huge investment and paid off massivly think what you spend on one gambling session) i tried GA but wasnt personally for me but i think it could have been if wasnt seeing a counciler.... You can try many shoes on till you find the one that fits perfectly so try the lot if you looking to quit!!! But whatever cold turkey is the only way you wont control it!

So where am i now... Im divorced i have a house which i was at the brink of losing but pulled back. I pay my bills i have my daughter half the time living with me. I holiday i soicialse with friends i have a gf i bought a car and i look in the mirror and Smile as when im having an awful day it could be worse i could have lost 1200 playing on the fobits!!!

If your on day 1 day 10 day day 100 or your on day 0....... You have the choice ring Gamcare. Today im wide awake the sun is out and gonna go and walk chill with my daughter then go and watch some rugby at the pub with friends and gf (Wales managed to have a great second half yestrday lets not mentioned the first whata cracking 1000 day pressie)

Just remember today is going to be a gamble free day..... You cant wait for the storm to pass you have to learn to dance in the rain!

Well this is definitely a success story if ever I heard one. Wow. Fantastic read. You should be dead proud. Great inspiration to others on here. Thanks for sharing. Has really motivated me to keep moving forward.