A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Cheers guys for that!! Yes take a look Rylex it will help dont do this alone lots of help out there!

So tossing and turning a bit last night not sure if it was the gym later than usual but coudnt chill out! woke up at 6ish feeling a little stressed thinking about the wife so got the train listened to some Music and told her i had put some money in her account for food and also will grab kids at 530.... Text back you said 4. no love i finish at 4. So had an argument over text for half an hour about how im a loser and she is now with me any more its over i gave up on us not she gave up on me if i loved her i would not have gambled and told her sooner etc. She didnt like it that i said that well actually we are still together you are living in my house which i pay every bill you cant claim tax credits as you are will me. She has theatned me that she is going to move out so i have said go on then stop saying you are and do it. I have come to the conclusion she has given up on me. It makes me very unhappy but it was 3 weeks today sinice i told her. Surly i should have seen some breakthrough by now not reapeted Mud throwing and hate and picking arguments. Not sure what to do from here! except not gamble of course!

I know how you feel with the tossing and turning its all I seemed to do my self last night, night time is like think time for me thoughts about everything start to race.

I think you have done right thing standing up for yourself a bit, you can't keep having what you've done thrown in your face I knowwhat That's like, my parter had known all along about how bad my gambling was so in a slightly different boat to you but she she get digs in especially if it's a time I'm stuck for money all I ever get it well you gamble it all away blah blah, dosnt help reminding me every day what I already know! but over all she is there if I need her to a degree!

If my partner/wife after 3 weeks wasn't supporting me at a time I really needed them then I would defiantly be re evaluating my relationship with them as said previously the people you love are meant to be there for you no matter what though think and thin!

really really hope things improve on this for you and she comes around

All the best for today hope it's a good one!

Thanks Rylex yeaa kinda hit the floor today after this morning! Was expecting to have a low after things have been going so well. i am happy i stod my ground she needs to realise we need to do this together and work through this sooner rather than later she has till next week and i will leave her have her space now.

No urges to gamble dont feel like it. gonna grab my kids at 530 looking forward to seeing them.

Hi, Andrew,

You're doing what you need to be doing, the meetings and being gf is fantastic, all credit to you but...

re standing up for yourself: It isn't all about you and what you need. You can't say that you've had enough now and dictate when she should get over it. You wouldn't expect to call the shots if it was the other way round and she had lied to you long term. Things between you will never be the same again, they can't be. They could be better, would take huge effort from both and the results are totally unpredictable but she has to want to try for that of her own free will. It can't possibly work if she doesn't want it and no one can control their feelings (they can control how they react to them).

She has her own needs and the standard advice to her is to prioritise them, to you is to acknowledge them. Yes you're financially supporting her and your kids, it's good that you are but why shouldn't you if that was what was arranged at the time? It's not unusual, I work now but I didn't much when the kids were small. Gambling was never part of the deal. And regardless of the long term outcome, you would still be expected to support your kids.

Remember that time takes time, you're doing the right things, all credit to you but this one may take plain old fashioned patience and there are no guarantees.

Wish you well.

CW

Hey cyncial wife

I hope your well.

I buy into what your saying the problem is inhave been living in my parents for over 4 weeks on the verge of having to leave my wife has threatend to leave me told me she hates me fine i deserve it thing is she cant say she doesnt want to be with me without concequencies she has said she is moving i said if u feel like that u should i said today do you love me and if you dont do u want us over she has had a lot of space to think and my therapist has said communication is key and its not happening iv been told to set a week deadline to talk which i have done have also said if she needs more time tell me. She needs to decide does she want to even try this?? I have to go home at some point i cant live at parents and pay all bills and food shop. I know everything will change and hopfully beter if she decides she want to try but she is burying head in sand we need make decusions for our kids too. Its tough. Thank u ur point it is genuinly valued cw.

Hi mate! You are still doing great and well done for not taking the stick from the missus! Keep it up mate

I keep forgetting how many days it is i havnt gambled i quite like that feeling. On day 90 i am going to get my first ever Tattoo. It is to represent what i have done in the past and the new future it is a tree of life with a broken circle with a bird flying out of this.

I feel genuinly like a new person in the last 10 days. yes if you read my diary i am having a rubbish time in the home life but ultimatly my wellbeing and mentality i feel great. I feel the weight of secrets and lies gone There is no guilt from loss of money and i feel like i am walking tall and confident. I am taking ever day as it comes and just enjoying the little things like waking up with my kids this morning and seeing them smile and just having hugs and kisses saying we love each other is so lush. walking in the sun with a coffee earlier listening to music it just feels so nice! I dont notice as much i am walking past beting shops i think it is because it is not on my list of priorites any more not feeling the stress of it. I feel well pretty relaxed. i do worry about things at home but Im trying not to worry about what I cant control! You cant turn off the rain you have to dance through it!

I have GA tonight looking forward to that is a long day as started work at 7 had a call out and got to office at 9 wont leave till 7 and have ga at 7:30 so wont get home till at least 10:30 but it is all worth it feel part of somthing in that room can't explain it. For the very newbies you should go to a meeting it is really good to be physically amongst people fighting the good fight and in recovery! They offer such great advice. Enjoy the sun everyone! Be gamble free!

Hi Andrew , firstly well done on reaching 90 day's gamble free , I know your not feeling great with the whole relationship thing but don't let this be a distraction from what your achieving since giving up gambling , maybe just focus on the things you can change in your life and accept those that you can't my friend .

Never had a tatoo myself but thought maybe of getting an ATM on my back as whilst gambling I seemed to spend alot of time there, I won't say where you'd put the card in though ? :))

Best wishes for now ...........Alan

Sadly Alan...... Its day 26 and not day 90. haha I am going to a very very good tattoist so have booked in advance. Dont want just anything or anyone as to me day 90 is a big day in my head day 90 is my first milestone. I assure you i will reach day 90 and 9000 for that. I am not being cocky on this i just know i can do this and determined to do it.

I like your ATM idea Alan!! Take care!

Hi ADT

Good to hear you doing well, your determination sounds like mine at the min very strong and giving in just is not an option! but as I keep saying this forum has helped me so much.

Do you have to travel far to your meetings where prob in diffrent areas I know, I still have not rang up just don't know what to say when i do but I am going to do it think bit of coucling is definatly what I need at the min.

Good luck at your meeting anyway hope all goes well...

Well hit a low tonight had a few hours on my own before ga lots going through head heard someones therapy (someone story) really hit home. Heard someone have a slip but pick himself back up. What im struggling with is everyone has someone to go home to wives gf all stuck by them feel a little isolated missing that hug and chat warmth a smile very painful. Walked past a bookies on way home and could see a fobt looking at me i stopped and looked back. I f@@@king hate them that first 50 quid win on r4inbow r4itches hooked me like a fish and has ra@ped my soul robbed me of my wife life full time parental reponisbilities and placed me in debt. Ffs im trying to be postive and that mother f@@@ker is looking at me i want to gonin there and scream at it and break it. But im not going to as im self excluded and will be asked to leave...... If a diary is a window into someones soul u have a glimpse of my anger. Nearly 4 weeks gamble free and the peaks and troughs are very high and low

Keep enjoying the highs & working through the lows Andrew...The peaks & troughs will even out eventually! You are doing brilliantly & that little green leprechaun spells nothing but trouble...I know, he battered me senseless!

Your wife may not have the strength to support you through this but keep fighting & doing everything you can to protect your family from the hurt!

Keep making the right choices - ODAAT

Hi Andrew , firstly sorry for the mix up on your day count , old eyes and all that :))

It's tough fella dealing with all this stuff but like Odaat said " Your doing brilliantly " and thats all down to you my friend , keep remembering that whatever happens wit your relationship , your kids will always be your kids and nothing will change that and they will always need there dad, ok life's now changed but you still have a future ahead of you but at the moment your having difficulty seeing it and thats perfectly understandable, the early days were the same for me , full of ups and downs , feeling great one minute and on the floor the next ,

Stick with it Andy , things will improve my friend , times a good healer !

Stay safe and look after yourself !

Alan

Evening Andrew,

Tough day mate. I'll be honest I find it hard reading your diary only because I see the same struggles I went through its like reliving it again.

You are doing great you are doing all the right things to beat this. I'd love nothing more than to say you will get back together but I can't predict that. What I can say in time it gets easier you will still be part of your kids life, my relationship with my lad gets better everyday the time I have with now is 10 times more quality time than when I lived in the same house. I was to busy in my gambling bubble to even notice I had a son half of the time, I wasn't a bad parent but without gambling in my life I'm a much better parent.

You can have a life on your own you can rebuild if it comes to that. Im 9 months in now it's took a while probably only last month did I admit the relationship was over, even now I have accepted that, it does not mean I don't love her and would jump at the chance to go back.

As for the slip at GA it's going to happen but take strength from that make sure it's not you going back next week with your head down declaring you've had a bet

Stay strong bud keep doing what you're doing. I'm not one to say read my diary from the start but you should you will see things do improve.

KTF

Morning all odaat Alan and Ktf thank you for your positive support Ktf i will have a good read of ur diary. Well was in such a place last night didnt have the best sleep. Worried about the future to be honest. Its hard to just say only worry about what u can control sometimes. I have to take a positive i get to see my kids my daughter she is with me 3 days a week my step boy too when not up his dads. I love that girl so much she is the apple of my eye and guaranteed to make me smile. Im so lucky i have the love of my daughter and boy for that as hes fantastic. I feel guilty as havnt mentioned them much but trust me they are very much part of my life. Mrs Adt i hope she comes around only she can decide what happens next. Well after about 5 hours sleeps the sun is shining through my window today is a new day and a fresh canvas. Im gonna have a shower shave put my brand new cons on (new shoes paolo nutini) and go to work i will be leaving at 430 for a few drinks with a mate i used to work with will be good. I will keep making the right choices i will not get complacent. To hapiness and a gamble free day!