A real aim

Thanks lc. I know what you mean about the bad feeling outweighing any good. The problem is I can't deny that when winning it does feel good, so I am stupid and think I can be in control of it and if I win great and I wont lose more than my initial small stake, which is rubbish as it always then gets a bit bigger trying to cover the loss and before I know it Im hitting it hard again. This time I have researched the best blocker on my computer, set it to full strength setting and also typed in a blind password so hopefully temptation has been removed, at least for the short term. I have to aim for the good times but I think the biggest problem I have is the constant guilt of how I must have lost tens of thousands over the years to the bookies. Oh how my life would be entirely different if I had some of that now in the bank. I guess thats something I just have to live with and use it as incentive not to lose any more.

It would be nice to have the lost money back in the bank, and i for one would be rich! The money already lost is gone now and continuing gambling will only lead to double, triple or ten times the amount lost.

Update to say am still definite in resisting all betting urges. PAst couple of weeks seem to predict so many football results correctly (not just win-lose-draw but actual scores, scorers etc) however rather than making me want to gamble it makes me more determined not to as I know for a fact if gambling even if I win I would chase bigger wins, get complacent and lose. I know I am not a good gambler anyway yet think the only reason I do it is its the only way I know of making money over and above my basic wage and we all know its NOT a way of making money, if it was why would the bookies advertise it like they do!!!

Writing to keep my resolution high. I think if I did not have the blocks in place I wouldve been back gambling these past few days. Am so glad I cant access my old accounts (or open any new). Got to get throught this and stay gamble free. I will not go back to the dark days again.

Hi, well done resisting the urges and don't give in.

Had a good gamble free christmas. Hope everyone else on here had a good one too. Bit worried tomorrow will have alot of gambling temptations so by posting on here I will feel if I gamble not only would I let myself down but also everyone on here. will post a follow up on Sunday, which WILL be positive. I'm not going back to it.

Just in, did I gamble - no not a penny, bit worse for wear but I'll be fine after a good sleep. From early afternoon the opportunity was there, temptation in abundance but maybe for once the penny has dropped. Even seeing my mates win big didn't tip me over. Yeah I'd like the cash, some won more than I earn a month but I know even if I'd got that lucky would I stop there. Not a hope, I'd be back in the loop, mind consumed by gambling thoughts only to eventually make that stupid loss which I'd chase until I was over the brink. No my finances will sort themselves out long term hopefully, in the meantime I'm making the most of life, Ive lost too many years to gambling, no more thank you. Also I looked around and noticed what many say on here, the winners well its no doubt temporary, none of them are awash with cash from gambling and you saw the lost look on many of the hardened onlookers in the bookies/casino, that all too familiar gaunt lost look hoping for that big win that will never happen. I took a risk today but in actual fact think its done more good than harm. Thats a month gamble free, roll on next year, I hope to make it a full one bet free.

A good day, a over a month gamble free. In past years I would've had a load of bets on the FA Cup looking for shocks, bankers etc etc followed no doubt by hours/days of FOBT's and casino so its good not to have those massive emotional ups and downs, followed by the depressed sink as anything won is blown in a few moments madness/chase.

Reading others diaries I thought maybe its a good time to set a target - a year gamble free. This may sound odd considering I previously stated never to gamble again however find it scary that thinking through this I wonder if its viable? I don't like day counting as feel wish your life away seeking high figures but this is something I can target an let happen itself. If this isn't a straight forward option then how am i ever going to be gamble free but I realise all my adult life Ive never actually managed this. No wonder so many of us fail despite the various efforts! I think it made me realise even though I really want never to gamble again, when I break it down I guess my inner conscience is ready to trip me up when I think I'm normal again. So here we go, 2014 to be a full non gambling year, if I make it then I really will have taken a massive step to sorting my life out. Here goes. Anyway break over, back to work.

Hi Mile End, thanks for posting on my diary.

Well done for what you are doing. I know how easy it is to slip back but your doing great.

Keep it up mate.

Brad

Having sleeping problems tonight. Just adds to the financial and relationship problems that I'm struggling with at moment too. Can't slip as want to get to better times, gambling will never get me there.

Hey Mile End,

Hope all is well with you apart from the insomnia, I think it is something that quite a few of us can feel from time to time. I know my shifts don't help with my situation, but tonight I'm watching the NFL playoffs and having a beer or two.

I see you were over a month gamble free last week, hope that is well over five weeks by now.

All the best,

Ryan

Cheers Ryan still going strong happy to say. Also back at work so am busying myself without and hassles. Maybe i should get into the NFL - its not something I've ever really paid much attention to, am more of a traditional footie man.

Been many changes in past few months, ups and downs and a few near wobbles. Even went in the bookies one day, had a sinking feeling I was beat then luckily (?) the assistant asking me if I wanted a free drink wound me up so much I saw sense and left. It felt as though "here console yourself with this - you WILL lose money". Reckon if they could, they'd offer you spirits to knock your senses more. Anyway enough of them, they've messed my life up enough over the years, still trying to get things in place to hopefully sort things out for the better, there's a small chink of light at the end of the tunnel, I'll get there one day.

Well reading my recent posts its been coming and I hate to say I broke. the weight of guilt, debt, waste, loneliness got to me and after a mentally tough day I broke. It really was self destruction at is most compelling. I joined this site back in May 2011 having bounced off rock bottom too many times to keep the pretence up. Despite that I'm still just as much a loser now as I was then. I seem to totally dodge reality when all I really want is a normal contented life, not huge money but enough to own my own house and enjoy myself a little, instead its more years of a sh***y one room with s**t landlords and no life. I'm not wanting sympathy I just want my own brain to kick into gear and make me the sane, rational, safe with money person I used to be 10 years ago. For what its worth have self excluded from the new site I'd gone to, reinstalled K9 and made an unknown password so until the next trap opens up to me I think I've taken any chasing temptation away for now.

My family mean the most to me so I still can't confide in them but I am going to go to my local GA meeting starting next week. Hopefully being face to face with people like me who are succeeding where I am not can inspire me to sort myself out and stop being a **** all my life.

A week since I fell off the wagon with the usual disastrous consequences. Looking back I see the utter madness of it all. I was within a ten pounds of my 'target' where in my head I was to cash out, pay off my o/d and have money to do what I wanted. I didn't though and am now in more debt than I have been at any point this year. Would I have actually cashed it in I wonder?? probably not, greed would've taken over and even if didn't that day it would happened soon enough. I'm facing up to it again and have read past posts and many other diaries and can't believe I let my resolve go. I GENUINELY HATE gambling now but am so engrossed in money management generally just to stay afloat that I can't seem to escape it. I have posted today and will post next week and the week after and the next and one day I will post the positive one I currently crave.