A timely reminder

Hey Dave,

Well done on day 27. Patience and determination will do fantastic job. You are heading to the right direction, so just keep going strong and enjoy everything what Life has got to offer.

Take care and have a lovely weekend

Sandra x

Day 31,

All good this end. One day at a time.

Best wishes to all.

Dave

Day 37,

Morning all. Staying strong. Taking it one day at a time. All good this end.

Best wishes to all.

Dave

Day 39,

I have a feeling that tonight is going to end in disaster. I am staying strong and keeping on the right path. One day at a time.

The problem is that my wife announced this morning that she wants us to sit down and go through our finances. Although this has been triggered by trying to work out where the money will come from for extra nursery fees I know that it is going to end in disaster. I have been trying to hide my gambling debts from her, trying to pay off a bit each month. I guess deep down I always knew that something would happen that would trigger us sitting down and looking at our finances. I guess I just hoped that it would happen further down the line when I have been free from gambling for longer and on a firmer foot financially.

I just can't bear to think of how angry and disappointed she is going to be in me and really worry about how this is going to affect our/our families future. What a mess. Any suggestions of how I should go about this would be much appreciated.

Best wishes to all.

Dave

What a grim article. Thanks for posting

You must be in knots thinking about your discussion tonight. But it might be the best thing to happen to you both.

I'm not the best person to advise as I still have not told my partner (we don't share finances) but I have a feeling that day will come when we have a "let's sit down and look at where we are" conversation. Like you, I dread it - he will know I "should have" a lot more money than I do - but a small part of me realises that it would be a great weight off my shoulders to be forced to admit to this addiction and the struggle I'm going through to recover.

Think about all the times you've read people here saying they've told their partners and they feel loads better as a result. Even when the partner has been angry or upset about it. There is nothing like facing the truth to make you feel better. It brings you peace.

As I say, I'm not the best person to advise, but maybe start the conversation with the confession? Tell her you've been dreading this all day because you've been having some problems, were hoping you could work them out alone but are realising that you can't. That you need her to support you. That you're really sorry and you're doing everything you can to make things better, and that you want to stop lying and look to the future with her, together, and openly. She should understand that.

Actually just re-reading your post, everything you say sounds like a good way of approaching it with her. You are being honest - admitting that you were hoping you could have this discussion when things were settled - and being humble about it. Not making excuses. Just admitting to how afraid you are of how she will react and how much you regret what has happened. I'm sure she will respond to that as well, if you can say it verbally like you said it in writing.

Everyone has their secrets, everyone knows what it's like to feel guilty about a lie. Hopefully she will respond to the YOU that she knows and loves.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

FF

Dave

fella i will just say this, be 100% honest with your missus, do not try to hide anything or water things down.

you are addressing your addiction, show her your diary it is proof in it's self.

There is no shame in having an addiction and even less if you are facing it.

I hope she understands and helps you in the quest for a continued gamble free life.

your honesty here is to be admired. keep making the right choice.

in that keep winning.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you FF and Duncs for your support/advice. I have written my wife a letter detailing absolutely every detail of the mess I find myself in and my feelings. Our financial discussion didn't happen last night as my wife is flat out at work at the moment. I have wanted to tell her on so many occasions over the past 6 weeks but she has been so busy/stressed at work I didn't feel it was fair to further burden her with my mess.

We have agreed to look at things on Saturday night. The old me would spend the time between now and then moving money around and concealing the problem but no more. I think I am going to have to bring our talk forward to tomorrow night. I don't want to live with this sorry secret for another moment longer but don't feel it is fair to tell her and then expect her to concentrate at work the following day.

Best wishes to all.

Dave

Hi NM

Best wishes for Saturday. I can only echo what has been said-be completely truthful. Early on in my recovery, I tried to hide some debt. It was soon discovered and the whole loss of trust thing came to the fore once again. I thought I was doing it for the right reasons but looking back it just made things worse.

Can you get to a GA meeting before Sat? You might get some good advice.

gazza

Best wishes echoed here.

I've been thinking of you wondering how you are getting on. I think a letter is a good idea as it helps you put your thoughts clearly and it sort of formalises the discussion. Anyway I'm a fan. I totally understand your wish not to burden your Missus any further but there will never be a perfect time, so try and focus on the fact that you are about to break down that destructive barrier between you, which will only be a good thing for both of you in the long run.

Whichever day you have the talk, good luck and "courage, mon brave" if you'll pardon my French 😉

FF

Day 41,

FF, Duncs and Gazza thank you. I really appreciate your advice. I have to admit to feeling really sick just thinking about tonight. I am absolutely dreading it but know that it has to be done and tonight. There is never a good time for a discussion like this so tonight it must be.

Best wishes to all.

Dave

Day 42 (6 weeks),

Well last night I finally did what I should have done a long time ago. I told my wife the truth and this time I do mean the full truth and extent of the mess I have got myself into.

She was absolutely amazing. Angry, upset and frustrated quite rightly but incredibly supportive. Understandably as I have withheld the extent of the gambling in the past she is someone reluctant to believe that I have told her the true extent of my gambling. She feels we have gone full circle again with the lies, deceit and gambling. The main difference this time is that I have been completely honest this time and not held anything back. This is something I have never done in the past and as a result continued to chase money to pay outstanding debts.

As well as being incredibly supportive emotionally, she has, not for the first time, been amazing financially. Last night I was £12,400 in debt. She paid the whole amount off for me last night meaning that I woke up this morning and the debt wasn't the first thing I thought about.

She is beautiful, a great mum, wife and really successful at work. I am proud to call her my wife. I am going to stay close to my diary as I cannot and will not mess up again. I am determined to make her proud of me and to once again after seven sorry years become the man she fell in love with and married.

Best wishes to all.

I hope that you all have a great, gambling free weekend.

Dave

Dave,

Thanks so much for this update. It actually sent shivers down my spine, as it often does when I read about how amazing people can be. I forget that sometimes. I'm so happy for you.

Your experience has given me courage to take another step towards telling my partner. I am not ready yet, but one day I know he needs to know.

Your wife does sound wonderful and you're a lucky guy. Don't forget to give yourself credit too for taking your courage in your hands and telling her. That was not easy. Great work!

FF

Just read your diary in full and you get a great big "atta boy", Dave! It is so difficult to disclose our secrets and you were wise to not hold back. One note of caution... it could be that your wife will move from feeling supportive to angry to depressed, etc. over the next while as it may take her a bit to fully digest the situation.... maybe. Stick close to the forum and keep up the fight!

Day 44,

Thank you FF and Carla. I really appreciate your support.

Enjoyed a lovely weekend with the family. This is the first Monday for as long as I can remember when I can begin the week with a clear head and a positive outlook.

Best wishes to all.

Dave