Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Dear Duncan,

I just noticed that you have made it through another 2 years of abstinence. Congratulations!

I really hope your family is enjoying the benefits of abstinence as mine has done - hopefully you are at the "it was all a bad dream stage by now!"

When I am not actively posting I am silently rooting for you as ever!

Best wishes,

Mark

Thank you for your kind and supportive words the other day Duncs.

I actually drifted to deep sleep after reading ur last txt....man..Dan found it rude when i told him i fell asleep peacefully after you text me lol..nothing rude...you just been there at the rite time when i needed it ☺

You're an inspiration, keep reaping the benefits of abstinence dear friend, keep showing the way.

Thank you for being you

S xxx

Evening diary.

So two days ago I was enjoying a day off, the first since September 4th, a relaxing, chilling out of a day and boom tiredness hit me like a brick, I rudely upped and put myself to bed before 8pm!

Sarah came to bed later and by one am I entered a terrible place, a place for seven straight hours I wouldn't wish upon the personI ggave hate to the most in the world, I had contracted norovirus, the constant projectile vomiting, redecorated the downstairs bathroom and not in a good fashion, this followed by emmense stomach cramps and the worst headaches I have ever had in my 41 years living.

At one point I actually gave up trying to direct the sick and willingly threw up on my feet!

I have struggled to keep down a sip of water, my temperature rages and the other ends been having a go for good measure!

In Sarahs words I must have thrown up a stone in weight.

I spoke at length with my gp,he explained that there is no cure,just ride the storm until it's passed.

I laughed, I'm used to riding storms, fair enough none this brutal but some equally f*****g distressing.

I have to let the symptoms pass for 48 clear hrs before I can return to work, food is a wonderful carrier of this virus.

How did I get it?

Well my gp asked if I had travelled abroad or on Sunday come into contact with anyone who did?

Well there's a funny thing, one of the owners came back from a week in some far flung island on Sunday, came in to have lunch on his way home and we shared one too many handshakes it may appear! !!!!!

I have warned him a redecorating bill is imminent!

So I am laying low,in quarantine, Sarah has moved in the front room, only my hovis remains, lol he thinks it's great half a kingsize bed and more!

Another lesson in my life.

It will shadow the fact that our baby boy turns 17 tomorrow.

Lol enough to make a man feel old.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Just came back from a a GA meeting and read your post Dunc. Isn't life full of random coincidences, my precious boy turns 15 tomorrow!

​

Indeed we did wear holes in those bast**d shoes 🙁 I even thought I was wearing a bespoke t-shirt for most of that time but turns out the only thing bespoke about it was the wearer! The honour of being on your team is all mine my dear friend...Without you, I would not have the same tools in my armoury!

Happy Birthday to your little man & what a wonderful birthday present 🙂

I hope the bug has left your system & is clean out of your household now! I have no doubt you will be back on your feet soon but as I have said before, please never forget to be kind to you - ODAAT

Good evening Sir,

Thank you for your kind and wonderful post on my diary earlier which you obviously posted when feeling extremely unwell and I hope you are beginning to feel better.

Recovery is there to be grasped by all. It is possible and the future becomes very important. Just one day at a time but in our own journey we learn so much.

Continue abstaining my friend.

Best wishes

Evening diary.

Well I am feeling better, not fighting the urge to be sick any more, bless our lily contracted the same virus this morning, she has endured a terrible day because of its nature, but I live safe in the knowledge that through experience she got the right care to ensure that it will pass soon enough.

Odaat,balvaird thanks for popping by.

Tonight I was compelled to reply to a thread on the friends and families section, I have a great deal of respect for all those folk whom unwittingly contribute to my own recovery a great deal.

For me those folk are the most important people who I should care about today, the innocent victims of the compulsion to gamble, the folk who didn't wage a single penny but have had their own lives affected emotionally and financially to their detriment all too often, for on their part often the stake? Unconditional love.

I turned that all too often in my own life through my wife's unconditional love into emotional turmoil for her,just to feed the own greed and desire of my addiction, the one I willingly fed for twenty years, the one I too often waged that innocent love against.

I am truly stunned that my wife sleeps by my side as I type my ramblings, I have been given her unconditional forgiveness for my shortcomings and am wholly beyond fortunate to be able to return my unhindered unconditional love in return today.

I accept as she has that I am an addict,and will be for life.

Today I choose to be equally proud to be able to wholly embrace recovery and the opportunities that brings.

Through acceptance I am no longer seeking cure,I understand the futile nature of doing so, to seek change when change cannot be sought.

Instead I understand that seeking harmony is the holy grail I seek,to live without feeding addiction and it's unfounded belief that I am the one to feed it's cause. Addiction will always look for a green light to welcome my return, my goal is to keep riding past, laughing at the ridiculous offerings it brings.

Because I am without doubt in possession of the fact that gambling and the act of it will bring nothing but a negative outcome to not my life but those I am blessed to share it with.

Today with the knowledge I have that desire to remain 'in' recovery grows.

Tonight I vow to relentlessly pursue to continue to reap change which is worthy and possible.

By living through an informed choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Dunc's,

As always another uplifting motivating post. Great stuff! 🙂

Sorry to hear that a virus has struck. Funnilly enough I was doing online course's yesterday on "food safety and hygiene" and "Infection protection..." It got me thinking of people who work in your trade and how easy it is for "gremlins" to get into the food chain. Am reminded of one partucularly nasty bug I caught a year or so ago. I don;t think i'd ever been so ill !

Anyway am off to wash my hands... properly!! 😉

..and as you say... abstain and maintain... S.A 🙂

I regularly read your post Dunc's and totally agree that they are so inspiring. Hope the illness passes soon enough.

Morning diary.

Lol it will be afternoon by the time my one finger typing is done!

I had an awesome chat yesterday with a fellow gamcarer, he has been here a while, within that time gambled on occasion but has in my opinion never lost sight of what is on offer, that by accepting that gambling will bring nothing other than destruction to his life and that gambling beat him has seen his life transform into something he today holds as his own. no longer does addiction control the outcome, no longer would it seem addiction has that choke hold, the one I lived with, the one that takes the life from within you yet you willingly feed it's desire.

Addiction will manifest itself however it can, it will take all but never leave the feeling of satisfaction, it will just give it's prey the hollow feeling that what it gave wasn't enough and more effort is required.

I stooped to some unbelievably heinous acts to feed my addiction, I didn't look at what the outcome would be, I let myself justify those actions, I never gave thought to anything or anyone else just the desire to make addiction let me experience the feeling of elation.

The twisted thing is that I can only ever remember feeling overjoyed once, those 24 20p tokens ffrom the first win, one I am sure addiction glossed over the fact I gave more than that to win it!

But no win ever touched an emotional cord, I just wanted more.

The result is even more warped to read

What would be uncomprehendable to a non functioning addict is the stakes were progressively raised beyond all belief yet the truth is that I never chased a jackpot greater than £500.

A monkey,towards the end of my active gambling life I would wage twice, three times that in less than an hour, but the bottom line is I chased a paltry grand prize.

So I lived in an ever descending cycle, one which can to anyone reading can plainly see

I am the worst gambler to have ever graced the planet

Chillingly I am not alone, I have sat in many a room with too many like minded people, I witness it here.

Yet for twenty years and more I simply refused to see it.

I didn't gamble for the money, I gambled for the mind fookety f**k,to escape the feeling I loss I pursued further loss.

Utterly mad but true.

Today I fully accept the facts, I know that addiction still lives inside my being, that even in the face of the compelling facts at hand addiction still wants to play an active role in my life, I know that I live within addictions walls, I like it here, because I can hold the reins here,addiction can't ambush, it can simply stand stunned into silence by my side.

I hope my self gifted therapy helps another as much as it does me.

I wouldn't wish the existence of addiction upon a living soul.

Because I live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So I am enjoying a lay in, Sarah has left for school, the hounds have taken the warm space she left lol, all kurplunked together, soon before I head off to work myself we will wander across the top of my city, enjoying the view and the morning peace.

So I have been gifted a lay in because I am able to place my wholesale order online, something four years ago I would have never been able to.

Before I started this thread I really did avoid all things technical, I remember thinking that you had to pay every time you entered the world of the Internet and it was something for the privileged few! I couldn't type a sentence an hour, lol now I can type 3!!!!

I understand predictive text, I can even use the printer!

So for work, menu research, costings, suppliers I now understand the benefits of the Internet.

I would still rather leaf through the pages of a real book and other than here don't embrace social media but I have used the technology to enhance my own life.

Recovery is one huge learning curve.

Emotionally, mentally, socially and even physically I have seen huge change brought to my life.

I have learnt to voice my thoughts and feelings and just as importantly listen to others in the same vain.

I used to start at least every other sentence 'I bet'

Today not only can I see what is at stake but most importantly I have a desire to keep it.

Today I live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncs,

Can just see you on that hill with the hounds, (getting rid of your cobwebs) lol.

Your hounds and that hill have played an important and positive role within your recovery journey

And look at you now, moving OAUs with modern technology :))) and not forgetting moving OAU with your recovery journey.

Pleased to read that you are in a good place at this time, you truly deserve no less.

Suzanne xxx

Morning Dunc's and thank you for your post .

Your absolutely right of course, the voice of wisdom speaks !.

I can see now that I've become subcontiously to them, what they would like to be , free from addiction !. I'ts what I craved throughout my gambling life , to be back in control of my life , the ability to choose my actions instead of gambling dictating what I should do .

Well !, eigther that or my food's c**P ?. LoL !....

It's strange this recovery lark , in that it's constantly presenting me with new experiences in life , new emotions and situations . Or maybe I've just become more sensative toward them now?.

Anyway many congratulations on your continued abstainance my friend , off to work again now , so I will wish you a good day sir

Best wishes and regards ........Alan

Evening diary.

Well today has been a toil, a day when my resolve has been tested, the manager of the premises I work in appears to be able to lie to the owners far too easily.

I get the difference between lying and telling folk what you think they want to hear but for me it's just prolonging the outcome of the truth.

I refuse to live a lie,fookety f**k I lived that life for too many years.!

So tomorrow I will right the lies not to dig anyone a hole but to live and keep living in recovery.

I will grant the management the opportunity to be honest and will make no bones about it that if they don't want to take the opportunity then I will have little or no choice.

Today I have nothing to hide behind, nothing stopping me from continuing to tred the path I choose.

It's funny because I lived the way of people pleasing for a great deal of my life but am today fully aware that the consequences fall soully at my feet.

If work is going to dominate my life then I have to be wholly comfortable with what's occurring.

The outcome will I know bring a greater good to a great deal of folks lives rather than a pitiful few.

Recovery has brought a growing desire to build a level playing field, because without it I know life easily becomes an uphill struggle and not one of my own making.

I refuse to run,hide or let unsuspecting victims take the blame for other folks shortfalls.

I am happy to admit my own weaknesses and learn from them.

I wish others would do likewise.

Today I have a choice

That comes from a huge belief in myself and by looking after myself the profound effect I can bring to other people is there in black and white.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening Dunc's , A very inspiring post my friend and one that shows great strength of character ,!

And as the saying goes " The truth shall set you free " .

Best wishes for a succesfull resolution tommorow ................Regards ........Alan