Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the symbiotic support. We certainly are a band of merry brothers and sisters supporting each other though a highway of treacle. No sticky endings please!

Morning diary

The actions of last night in Paris have left me with little to say this morning as it all appears a tad trivial to be frank.

Many more innocent people mindlessly killed for a crime of simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Today my thoughts are with them.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So I have been busy with work by the words of one of the owners last night I am breaking all trading records and bringing much joy in the process, tomorrow I have a meeting with all the owners rescheduled from last week and look forward to hearing what they plan for the future and I will be granted the opportunity to talk honestly with them regarding how their business is run at times.

I had a lengthy talk with the management about honesty and the outcome was I was fobbed off with a speach that wasn't founded on facts, it from my point of hearing was simply a load of words they simply believed that I wanted to hear.

I cannot abide the attitude because I know that the outcome will simply be more lies.

I think at times folk forget how old I actually am and more importantly that I have disclosed openly the fact that a chapter of my own life was founded solely on my belief that I could kid everyone it believing the constant boll#oc#ks I spelt.

I lived in the shadow of addiction, it lead me to live eventually in some fantasy land, where the truth had no place and in truth too much power. I would do anything to protect the fact that feeding addiction was destroying my life and in equal measure those I professed to feeding it for.

Recovery uncovered the impostor, it also uncovered the fact that honesty holds such value and from it closure and a new beginning can be found in equal measure.

I have a simple outlook, I am committed to protecting my recovery and I know that the effects of my doing so bring a better outcome for those I hold dear.

Regards my profession I am aware that I am judged on the outcome of each plate, like recovery the cycle never ends,I cannot put my feet up, complacency is not an option , attention to detail, commitment are for me oh so rewarding.

I see the measure in life, I also see straight through lies because it all too often is like winding back a clock, one I choose to learn from and not live in the shame of.

I accept that I cannot change my past, but embrace the fact that I can learn from those shortfalls and better my future.

Today I can write my own future

It starts with a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary.

An afternoon relaxing, dozed off for an hour earlier, my ma and ed popped by to drop off some stuff and had lunch before heading off back to Somerset in the hope that they beat the incoming storm.

This morning I compiled some paperwork for my meeting tonight, forearmed and prepared my aim.

With honesty my mind was distracted, the reason?

A thread here that's been active in the past day in which there has been some amazing advice gifted, from both sides of the fence to boot and the result is for me plain to see.

Whilst active, all the while I let addiction control my own life I could turn anybodies words inside out, I would twist the kindest of words from folk and turn them into ammunition to feed addiction, i would take the truth and turn it into guilt to bestow upon anyone who dare to cross my path.

I believed I was the one in control and I demanded all the tea and sympathy for myself, poor old me.

Then I discovered the Elephant in the room.

I am a compulsive gambler.

I cannot control any form of gambling, it will control me.

I will justify commitment to feeding addiction through my hard work in life and refuse to accept the damage.

I will be all consumed, I will lie, I will harbour secrets, I will progressively get worse.

I will believe suicide is a viable option.

All for what gain?

I live whilst active by a mantra

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

I am saddened by the behaviour, the responses posted to the kindness of human nature, but I am in no way suprised.

Because I walked in those shoes,f**k I walked through them.

Today I know that I would have never entered recovery until the day I admitted that gambling in any form took total control of my very being.

I cannot have my cake and eat it when it comes to gambling, because in black and white I would labour for countless hours to produce an exquisite cake and would willingly open the bin and drop it in!

Today I can bake a cake and not only eat my slice but best of all I can share it, but until the day I fully committed to recovery I simply was blinded from seeing it.

The doors to recovery revolve, today I take solace from that fact.

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler

No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

My relentless work schedule continues, the hours pile up, my body fails me constantly, the inside of my left foot constantly gifts me sharp pain,my neck has been stiff for the past few days, my hands fail to keep up with the ragime but I raise above it all.

I don't complain, I refuse to feel hard done by, I simply ride through the barriers

Why?

I love the life I have, unadulterated pleasure outweighs the hurdles I face.

Without doubt I am experiencing a purple patch

I accept it's down to the effort I put in.

I lived a life where I found falt in everything, I fought against an enemy that truthfully was of my own making

That enemy ?

Addiction.

Every action was overidden by addictions desire to be fed

Me I willingly fed it, f**k everything else, addiction gave me what I desired

Escape, the cycle of pure escapism.

Today I run at life, the rewards are simple

-great self belief

-passion

-non judgemental

-a voice

-acceptance

I know how I can f**k it all up in a heart beat

Feed addiction

It's the elephant in the room

Today I admire it's brazen attitude, I respect it's power,I in equal measure I am in control of it.

Recovery offers the opportunity

It's what we do with it.

I am all in

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

Thankyou for your response on my diary, your words mean a lot. It does however concern me your relentless work schedule. I too have worked the 80 hour weeks. Its the most acceptable addiction of them all. How can anybody question somebodies willingness to work hard, surely they are doing something good. What i have found when i do that and also what i have generally witnessed when i see others do it, is a need to escape very much akin to our gambling addiction. Im not sying this is your truth of it but just be aware that a passion for something can become a compulsion to hide from something else.

Dan x

Evening diary.

Dan,gt thanks for your kind words of support.

The truth is for me I live to cook,cooking encapsulates my entire life, if I am not cooking at work at home I am doing much the same.

I love it, I am truly obsessed by food and the joy I can bring not only to my own life but many others to boot.

Today I cooked for ten straight hours, I was complimented by many for my efforts and I am driven to keep doing so.

I love to push the boundaries, I want to make everything memorable, I know what it takes to do so.

Nobody is pushing me, the efforts are of my own making, my bosses would I know accept much less effort as would many folk eating, but for me it's my goal to provide a memory for every single person I feed.

As I wrote mr marco pierre white was and is my inspiration.

He excelled beyond anyones belief in what he cooked, driven by nothing but his own obsession to provide the same memories.

Yes it's an addiction, I can't stop my relentless drive, more over I don't want to.

Marco wrote a book, white heat, I am without doubt living my own white heat.

This job will be my last cooking job, I have made my mind up on that, I am going to give this job every vestage of my mind and body to achieve the best I have the ability to produce. I have found Home, I belong and believe in what I am conducting.

The best thing is nobody but those closest to my life know this, I have nothing to prove, I have no time scale to work to.

It might take six months or six years to achieve my ultimate aim, I love it, truly I am in a place that I have yearned all my life.

So to end please don't worry unnecessarily about my feeding another addiction

Because I 100% believe feeding this compulsion is wholly healthy, I am where I want to be, the truth is recovery has granted the opportunity and the time is mine and I will take it open handed.

Tonight I have a night off, a few beers are on the agenda to follow the delicious, truly delicious supper my beautiful wife made for our family to enjoy together.

To the outside world I know that I may look a little deranged, worn out and I accept the concern they offer.

But emotionally I am in a wonderful place, physically I am learning my boundaries.

Gambling addiction hindered my life, it was the easiest option, I bred an inner contempt by feeding it's desire, because the outcome never gifted me anything but the foolish desire to keep feeding it.

Today I share my life within its boundaries, I willingly listen to it's bleatings, because I know there value.

Recovery is my making, I will never forget what it gave unconditionally.

It brought humility and a passion for living

I don't want to waste a single breath of it

Today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Nice Duncs

Glad you where around to enjoy your families company.

Recovery daily.

thanks for all your support over the times

Tri

Hi Duncs

Thanks for your kind post on my diary.

keep on abstaining my friend.

and keep that text on your fridge for sure...

all the best

Ade

Afternoon diary.

Thanks for popping by ade.

I have an hour off between services so have popped home for a cuppa.

The truth is today I have felt a tad fragile, yesterday I had an evening off and I went to watch my beloved Portsmouth play football with our youngest son and our daughter we had a lot to shout about, not often you get to see 6 goals scored without reply.

So I went on auto pilot today and will get through the day doing the same lol.

I used to go to every game at the park, sadly gambling stood in the way for many years and work dominates life today, I do love to go today, our callum has taken the passion for the game,it's great to see and even greater to share.

I will make a greater effort to see more games in the future.

Recovery is a wonderful gift, I simply want to keep taking what is on offer.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs milk and sweeteners for me please lol.

Seriously you sound knackered my dear friend, remember what you have always told me, look after you ;)))

Take care and keep safe ( by that I mean keep well healthwise) xxxx

Suzanne xxx

Hey Dunc's, Play up pompey , pompey play up !! Lol.

Look after yourself my friend ...................Regards Alan

Evening Dunc. Just catching up. Look after yourself. As ever, best wishes to you and yours, Gazza

Morning diary.

Folks thanks for dropping by, I have been busy all week, work still dominates my life, but I am working hard to make as much family time as possible because without doing so I am fully aware that the feeling of self loathing and frustration can surface and addiction will ride on that bandwagon straight to the middle of my mind.

I have read a lot of the forum this week, cynical wife's thread on the family and friends section and their contribution to the forum one that offers great therapy, one worth spending time reading. Why?

Because I am fully aware that any non compulsive gambler will never understand what it is that drove me to repeat the devastating cycle for a great deal of years and in equal measure I understand their own need to recover, it's inspiring to see addiction being brought to the table, being talked about.

I openly talk to a great deal of folk about my own life in addiction and equally about my life in recovery.

Arresting that next punt is the most important thing in my life, but choosing not to place it purely creates opportunity for life.

I have been bitter and twisted about not being able to gamble in periods of my own life, today I embrace the opportunity not doing so creates.

Today I will take that to cook with all my heart and soul, work beckons and my reward for the graft I will put in

An evening with those I hold dear.

Now that is worth making the educated choice for

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Had another super day at work yesterday, some great feedback about the food served and not a single complaint.

I came home and re sealed the bath,lol the third time in four weeks!

Hopefully our lily will refrain from putting her toe through this effort whilst shaving! !

Changed the curtains in the living room, got the Christmas tree from the loft and walked my beloved hounds, today I look forward to returning to work for a rest lol.

I am feeling good, I am not ashamed to write that, because I know what I have put in to get here.

I have learnt to face what's ahead, speak about that voice inside my head, fight those dark feelings that overwhelm me at times and the outcome is one of inner comfort.

I still have many days when I stand in a room and feel as if the walls are closing in, days where in company I feel alone, days when I want to hide from the world because I live with depression. like addiction I accept that it will be there for life, I don't wish to run from it, I acknowledge it's presence and ride it's storm, learning to live within it and no longer fear it's ability to inwardly destruct.

Because I am fully aware that there will be joyful times to behold, that by not seeking escapism I stand in a place to be afforded the ability to enjoy the good in my life.

I am learning the huge benefit of being brutally honest with myself, that I reap what I sow.

I am comfortable with myself for the first prolonged period of my life, I don't look over anyone's fence with the green eyes I used to, in equal measure I seek to help anyone less fortunate than myself, the rewards astound me.

I have lived for 41 years on a see-saw for many sitting on either side waiting to be thrown in the air

Today I feel I have edged closer to the middle

Balance gifts harmony for my mind

For it I am thankful

I know the value of making a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.