Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning Dunc's , Great post once again and a great insight into your dietry requirements, thanks for sharing ! LOL . Jam & peanut butter on toast is the one for me !

Have a great day my friend .

Also despise the commercialisation and exploitation, it's the simple things that matter in life, a hand made card from my granddaughter - I love you Nana - kept me on the straight and narrow this week.

Three years today and just want to say thank you for all the support throughout that time, appreciated more than you can know. xxx

Morning diary.

So the days are flying by, on Sunday Sarah and I took the kitchen staff to a local Italian for supper after work to thank them for their support and efforts over the past few months. A super evening was had and it ended with some returning to our house for a few drinks, lol which resulted in me eventually putting myself to bed and yesterday's twelve hour shift somewhat hurt! !

Equally nice for Sarah to have met the owners who were at work as they had dined with me earlier, upon asking where we were going one offered to pick up the bill for the evening, something I yesterday declined on the promise they can happily stand a meal for the staff but on the premise they attend.

I know that they are shocked by my actions as they are used to compliance but I also know that I have earned their respect and will look forward to sharing an evening in their company at a later date.

Their reaction to meeting my beautiful wife entertaining, one said 'f*****g h#ell duncs your punching above your weight!'

Me I just smiled.

This I know, Sarah is a truly beautiful woman, she lights a room with her smile, I equally know how beautiful she is inside, her love unconditional, her passion astonishing and I came so close to gambling it away.

But the fact is that I didn't, she held on when others would have let go,she believed in me, she stood by my side, she embraced recovery.

The result?

Today I have the person I want to share my days with by my side, she is my best friend, today our relationship is awesome, nothing is left unsaid, we are never going to be financially rich but in other ways we are minted, we can face any challenge put our

Way equally, honesty is paramount, it breeds love for life.

Without her to share my life it would be empty, joyless and hold little meaning.

With her it is nothing but a joy.

I dedicate my post to you today Sarah mcquilken my beautiful, amazing, kind, caring wife.

I love you and am truly proud of being your husband.

We found recovery and share it's rewards equally, a gift without a price, certainly not something that could be won in a bookies.

Today I live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs, Sarah could see through the gambling fog, knew you were still there & so never gave up fighting...Kudos to her 🙂

As for the wedding cake, it is now but a photographic reminder of a wonderful day:-) Fear not, I have a plan...The NM is currently pondering whether he has the balls to come & shake your hand! Once he decides, I will be in touch to sort out a visit (that Christmas fayre in my sights) whence we/I will stop off @ the sister-in-law en route to collect cupcakes ordered specially for the occasion! Maybe better for you that I come alone, he is rather partial to a cupcake or seven 😉

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you & all yours (4 legged friends included)!

Have a good Xmas Duncs, (even if you are working lol)

Best wishes to you, Sarah,,and all your family,

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Thanks sue, I am off to work shortly a long hard day ahead, one I will enjoy fully and leave no effort in the bag to unsure that all my diners leave satisfied.

Tonight we will dine like kings, my butcher gifted me some exceptional steaks, t-bones for me and our boys and fillet steaks for the two special ladies in my life, but most of all it will be the company I get to keep.

I nearly gambled away that opportunity, I was and always will be one punt from losing their love.

Today I accept that as fact, I am not being punished, I actually stopped punishing myself the day I wholly committed to recovery.

Recovery offers endless opportunity, I embrace every single one.

At this festive time I would like to wish you all good health and hope you all continue to seek the same through commitment to your own recoveries.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs, one of my shining lights in here. Enjoy your light in work and when you see yourself in the reflections of the pans at work, appreciate the person inside.

Merry christmas. Tri

Morning diary.

So the festive season seems to be crawling to a close for most folk, for me it's been a hard graft to get through the month, it's been 29 days since my last day off and I am getting pretty tired, still I have had a great month, Christmas day went incredibly well, everyone who dined left satisfied and I can ask no more than that.

Sarah worked alongside me and enjoyed her day,the owners financially rewarding her efforts and she enjoyed a guilt free shopping trip on boxing day by way of a reward.

I have finally managed to fit the new blinds we sought in our bedroom and am looking forward to enjoying a day off on Friday.

My mum and Ed are visiting and I am looking forward to cooking us supper on new years eve and we will have our Christmas day on new years day, no turkey mind! Seen enough for one year lol.

So all in all I feel mentally good and am happy addiction has been a spectator to the events of the past few weeks.

Boxing day was a day of nothing but gambling from a very young age,I recall the many years stood outside the bookies as a child and the way in later years I saw it as a green light day to mask my own desire to gamble by encouraging Sarah and the kids to have a punt or two, all the while my brain justifying the gambling as a means to recoup the monies spent on the festive season and I would go at the day without caution, gambling to escape the empty feeling I created in my own mind.

Today I see it for what it is, addiction used everything in its power to encourage my devotion to it, I willingly gave to it, I didn't want to seek aalternatives, I simply chased my own tail around and around in a futile attempt to bite it, I craved the pain of loss,because looking back in on myself I viewed myself a hero for getting around the pile of sh#it I self created. I actually enjoyed the thrill of living life trying to fix problems of my own making far more than the act of the gamble itself.

Today I see different, today I see that I don't need escape, if I don't like what I am doing I can simply stop doing it, if I want something I can work hard to earn the right to purchase it, but most of all today I relish the opportunity to enjoy the things that are permanent in my life, my wife, children, those hounds and the true friends I have, they don't want I don't have, they don't judge me by my financial wealth, addiction fed off that fable, it fuelled my feelings of unworthyness purely so I would continue to chase my tail.

I have seen how the cycle works, I often see it here in black and white, we dig our own hole and can't see another way so the oh well fookety f**k attitude overides everything and we default back to gambling all we have and some, I followed that cycle for more than twenty years, I saw it as the solution when it was my founding problem.

Because it, actively feeding addiction masked the low self esteem, depression, by feeding addiction I could shelve the true issues on the premise that I had bigger fish to fry.

I no longer seek escape, I came to this forum broken, a fella who was ashamed of what looked back in the mirror.

Many decent folk have had a profoundly positive impact on my life since I found recovery, some passed by,others remain, I have toyed with the idea of closing the door on my own thread recently, I spend less time writing today and more time living that's a fact, but for me the truth is I don't want to close my thread addiction does, addiction wishes above all that recovery would stop being the most important thing in my life and by closing my thread it would see a door opening.

I love the saying 'if it's not broken then it doesn't need fixing '

Because for too many years I willingly broke myself without gain, just so I could repair the damage to enable me to repeat the cycle again.

To repeat the same thing over and over again expecting the outcome to change, the act of madness!

Very true words.

Right off to work shortly, new menu's to start to prepare for the new year

Not before wandering with those hounds

An opportunity I relish

One created by recovery.

I am all in.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncs,

Am glad to read that you will be keeping your thread. Selfishly, I would miss reading your posts. Sounds like you are working hard and reaping the rewards of recovery. Happy New Year to you Sarah and your family! -joanxxx

.... its also the case, that if you did close your thread, mine would be 100 times longer than anyone elses! lol

Glad you had a great christmas and here's to a very happy new year!

Regards... S.A 🙂

Afternoon duncs really enjoy reading your diary maybe because I used to be a chef for about 10 years ago and when someone's diary grabs me I like to read it from the start to finish but I'll be honest nearly 4000 posts is a big daunting lol but I've come up with a solution and found my NY resolution at the same time im going to read a page a day so in 3 months I'll know a bit more about you lol

Hi Duncs.

Merry Christmas to you. You very much deserve it.

I find myself back here due to gambling again. I was doing so well for more than two years and then I received some money in April and again in September. I'm disappointed to say that most of that money all went on gambling. Hasn't caused too much financial damage, however, I could have been so much more comfortably off, had I put this money to better use.

I am hitting the new year with common sense being embedded on my foredead once more and getting back to living a "normal" life - if a little hard work at times, at least it is the most sensible approach, one that people credit me with - a lot of common sense! Something I have also credited myself with - until stupid gambling enters my head!! I am going to remain positive however, and not beat myself up but go forward once again, hopefully strengthening my mind once more and remembering how remaining gamble free for almost two and a half years felt like.

Regards Feb - sprinting back to "The Bright Side of the Road" once more. I think this is going to be my new thread name - Van Morrison - "Bright side of the Road". Take care Duncs.

Keep doing what you are doing Duncs, why change stuff that is working, can relate to you saying the addiction would like you to close your thread, not you, thanks for that one.

Suzanne xxx

Evening diary.

Thanks for all the kind words of support, I am truly inspired by all your words.

So I just got back from the store where every little helps lol,having our Christmas day a week later is going to be great lol everything was reduced!

So tomorrow sees the end of a 31 day straight, in those 31 days I have put in some gruelling shifts but have got through it with much applaud and helped put the restaurant on the map locally as somewhere decent to eat.

I have emotionally found myself growing, I am looking forward to the future without the feeling that the wheels are going to fall off my ride for the first time in as long as I can remember.

Testament to our eldest son Joe,he refused medication for his depression and has given fully to understanding how to live with his illness, the simple knowledge that the good days will follow the bad and outweigh them in worth has seen him find a deeply positive attitude to life, I see his glass half full for the first time in a few years and have no longer been anxious when he's left to his own devices, this has had a profoundly positive outcome on all of us and our ability to be open and honest about life rises our aim to live our lives in harmony.

I have experienced both sides of many folk over the past few weeks, how folk use there financial worth as the benchmark of happiness and the way it in my mind can have a detrimental outcome on relationships has been a great life lesson.

I understand the joys of measured thinking and where possible to pre plan, something that I have never seen as important but is bringing a greater dimension to life in general.

So tomorrow is our Christmas eve, I am cooking for those I hold dear,some fine dining and great company.

What more can a man ask.

Friday I am looking forward to cooking our Christmas dinner and seeing the new year in with the intention of starting as I mean to go on.

My focus simple, I want to enjoy the love of my family and to be able to return it unconditionally and unhindered by letting addiction have an active involvement.

I wish each and every gamcarer a 2016 to behold.

If like me you will most likely find all you are looking for right under your nose,don't let addiction steal a moment or a solitary penny.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Dunc's , great post !, Just wanted to thank you for all the support and honest,,, advice youv'e given myself and the rest of the forum over the last few months, really apreciated .

Enjoy your belated xmas dinner and I look forward to walking alongside you gamble free in 2016 !.

Happy new year to you and your family !

Alan