Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS Duncs...I hope you enjoy every morsel, you've earned it!

Fab news about Joe, you must be incredibly proud as I'm sure you are of all your family & they of you!

You are top of my resolutions list...One which I know I will not break! Be it Mick's or otherwise, it is Sarah's choice remember 🙂

Good health to an incredible 2016 - ODAAT

Happy Christmas eve Duncs. How was the celebration? happy new year now. thanks for all your shares and support of others in the last x months and years.

Afternoon diary.

Thanks for popping by all,triangle fella I had a wonderful belated Christmas shared some good food, a drink or two with the folk I hold dear.

So the new year begins, work dominates my life again and tonight I will be putting my two penniths worth to the owners as we have a meeting scheduled because the management and I have conflicting opinions on how January is going to pan out.

I put in a phenomenal amount of hours in through December and through January I expect to be able to take some back, the bottom line being if that's not going to happen through time off then I will be renegotiating my renumeration plain and simple.

Today I have the ability to stand up and do what I believe is just, because recovery has gifted me the ability to do so, I am truly a different person, the bottom line is I have my own self respect.

I actually am looking forward to the meeting, why?

Because I have nothing to hide, I live a black and white existence, most of all I know my own value.

Addiction hates my outlook

It's like returning the punches it rained on my life.

I love that.

f**k addiction and the two bob horse it rode in on!

Lol

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yea Duncs, keep sticking those fingers up at it, it simply hates that.

Proud of you my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Well my meeting was another learning curve for me, it's a unique situation the fact that there's three owners and I found myself being shouted down by all of them, my response would have been to shout back louder but I just patiently sat and waited for the opportunity to respond and when they started raising the tone I just again waited for quiet.

The management astound me with the ease of which they are able to cast a lie and yesterday I again told them so, I know that eventually the true picture will surface and from it I will be able to continue without making change.

This is pure and simply a result of my commitment to recovery, I have long term outlook, I refuse to jump on any band wagons and have learnt the utter importance of putting myself first.

Putting myself first in today's money is the polar opposite of putting addiction first, I used to foolishly believe by committing wholly to addiction I was looking out for not just myself but those I hold dear but today I can see that was just a pile of bu#lls#hi#t, I as an active compulsive gambler I put the funding, feeding of addiction before anything else, I fooled myself that accepting loss would lead to eventual gain.

Acceptance of any form of gambling just led to loss and progressive loss at that, aside from financial loss there were two greater losses for me, my mental health was hugely affected, the ability to face living diminished and with it my physical well being took a back seat at best.

I have toothache today, my mouth is a proper mess,I make shane McGowan look like a colgate model lol, the reason for my mouth being a mess is two fold, I am petrified of the dentist why?

Because for twenty five and more years I have only been to the dentist to relieve emmense pain, I will let my mouth become intolerable before I will go and I don't have a regular dentist, I have only used the emergency services for all those years.

I have committed acts of self dentistry, half pulled teeth under the influence of one to many.

I did this in the main because I wouldn't justify the outlay all the time I fed addiction, addiction would have it no other way and today's legacy is a rear mouth that looks like a load of tree stumps all cut off at their prime but still living all be it black and today all distorted and swallon.

I need to find a solution, a dentist that will be kind and accept my fear of them, I need to find the courage to do so and soon, because I am eating pain relief like sweets and know long term that just brings greater problems, been there before.

I have granted myself the opportunity to look after myself, in doing so I know that the effects are a positive impact on many other folk, especially those I hold dear.

I was in a shop yesterday in the queue with the overriding thought that it was taking forever, the reason came apparent when the fella ahead asked how many tickets I was getting?

My reply "none I have already won"

Because I do indeed win without waging a single penny.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs, I too simply hate the dentist and only go when in tremendous pain and when my cheek looks like a grapefruit has been stuck to it lol.Its the noise, the drill makes, and my experiences as a child with the school dentist, filling my teeth whether they needed filling or not.not to mention that horrible gas mask, they forced on me :(( happy days indeed I don't think.but it is different now at

the dentists :)))

Sending you strong vibes to get into the dentists, :)))

Great post as always Duncs, yes I thought I was helping my family by continuing to gamble, utter madness

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi Dunc's... I am much the same with the dentist. Avoid until in excrutiating pain. Time to get back to regular check ups.

I admire how you manage your work situations nowadays. Youve had some difficult bosses/owners to deal with but like you say, now that your not consumed with gambling addiction, you can manage these meetings with a different more considered outlook.

Take care... S.A 🙂

800 days! amazing and well done.

Well done Duncs 800 days what s great achievement i bet that Apple tree is big thing 800 days on

I'm on page 8 of your diary one page a day some good shi t in there

Morning diary.

Thanks for the kind words, I don't count days, because I don't have an exit date,recovery is a life choice, so again whether it's day 1 or day 801 it's about learning, embracing recovery and not wasting or wishing a moment away.

Ktf, my apple tree is still flourishing, for those who have not been foolish enough to read my ramblings I planted an apple tree into our front lawn early in my recovery because we had owned it for a few years and had condemned it to living in a pot, for me I never established roots in my own life, everything was moveable because I lived life on the run.

I wanted to let that tree establish roots,I wanted it to grow with me.

The irony is the apples it produces are my least favourite of all the apples the golden delicious!

But it's blossom is something to behold and it's a great reminder of the gift I choose with recovery.

Today it rewarded a lay in with my beautiful wife.

Something of a rare treat.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc's,

Nice post, establishing recovery roots. No more life on the run.

Regards... S.A 🙂

Lovely calming post Duncs, thanks

Suzanne xxx

My big bud Dunc's.

As always thanks and looking forward to one day warming that bench with a cold one in hand.

It sounded like you was describing my mug of teeth in a earlier post. In my experience, dentists are like a conveyor belt of cash, as quick as they can get you out, the more bucks they'll make. They tend to remember your human when you go abroad, ie a holiday and good service.

As always good to read that Dunc's is still full steam ahead.

Strength and honor.

Paul

Morning diary.

So for the past four days I have been laid up in bed feeling like a bag of sh#it without the bag!

What I thought was tooth ache was in fact a bacterial infection of the throat and I have been floored by it.

I believe it is nature's way of telling me that I go at it too hard, funny because all my team of kitchen staff that truly graft have since the new year suffered in some way health wise and the one who remains in first gear is fine!

The hare maybe needs to become the tortoise!

So I would normally throw myself at the forum in times like this because I feel the need to be constantly occupied?

Maybe, but a post from Dan and it's reply from Paul gave me enough food for thought.

I have been giving my life a review, an appraisal if you like.

For me it is about balance. Life v work. The desire to please others and forgo pleasure myself.

I used to let addiction twist those words to aid my thoughts to conclude 'f**k you'

I foolishly believed that by sticking two fingers up to the world for all my hardship would satisfy my need to feel valued.

Today I seek equality, to be able to stand and be counted not stand out.

I have to be able to hold onto my ability to say 'f**k you' because I know what feeling like a doormat brings.

I openly talk about my addiction to anyone who needs to know about it, I know when I started this journey I told anyone I came across because I used recovery as my armour against the world. funny because it's the same thing when I encounter the fairer s*x, I use 'I am married' to mute any conversation why??

Because the truth is I have always looked for the easiest option, I have sought escape before everything else.

Why?

What am I escaping from?

The answer is myself, I am uncomfortable with myself, I have to be in complete control or I run or should I say have ran.

Today I am the most comfortable I have ever been with that fella who stares back from the mirror, I can actually live with him.

Paul wrote something profoundly true to my life.

I am the person with a huge imbalance, gambling is not the guilty party,nor where the drugs, the alcohol or the jobs with 20 hour days they all provided my life the ability to escape.

I understand why, I opened Pandora's box, the one within my own mind.

I have no need to punish myself anymore, I have the right to seek therapy.

Therapy has come in so many forms, like anyone else in recovery therapy has gifted my life opportunity.

I am humbled by what I have been bestowed with, even more humbled by the fact that the life I wantently tried to destruct remains because today I understand it's true value.

You can't put a price upon it.

So thanks Dan and Paul for sharing your own therapy, I am honoured to share my own.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hope you are feeling better, some nasty bugs about this year as weather has been so mild. Identify so with your last tread as Sandra calls them, my escape was adrenalin which led me into many, many dangerous situations, relationships (always fell for the bad guys) and jobs (have had my nose broken twice by machete weilding teenagers). Whilst I wouldn't give back most of those experiences I am searching, in my dotage, for a peaceful balance without that need to hide in the buzz. The river has brought me much tranquility however the decision to live alone has its own problems, the plumber as I speak is fixing my loo yet again (how can they justify charging £500 a day) and I am at last becoming my own person, not yet in control but certainly not controlled by anyone else ( the doormat syndrome). I still flinch when I look in the mirror but at my age it's more about the white haired old granny that looks back than the lack of self worth I used to see in those eyes. Methinks we are making progress Duncs, there is no final destination as I see it, no final solution, just a fantasmagorical journey to be had along the way where the demons will vapourise should they attempt to join us. Stay safe and well, I think of you and your family often.