Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

The past few days have humbled me greatly,from that feeling I simply wish to embrace life to it's full potential.

Addiction will always lurk in the background, it knows no boundaries of where it will try and twist everything to try to regain control of my mind, it wants a piece of the action, it currently sulks in the doldrums of my mind bit#ch#ing and complaining aboutthe ffact I pay it no respect.

But little does it know I respect it fully, I willingly danced to it's tune for the greater part of my adult life.

Today I see the elephant it wheels into the room.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi dunc great post to change. I attend a GA meeting and a guy worked through the door and said he has had enough of winning he keeps having to give thousands to charity as it was not good for his battle with alcoholism and was feeding that addiction. The room was in a bit of shock And I think he just wanted to keep warm never seen him again but the hospital he was giving his winnings to is still fund raising. A shame Fave isn't around to see it he sounds like a god guy

KTF

Morning diary.

I would like to thank each and every author of this forum today because you all equally bring huge value to my life, in turn that has a profoundly positive effect on those I hold dear.

I have seen addiction will many good to charge their glass half empty.

Me I will charge mine half full, because there's two sides to every coin!

I have a rest day today, the weekend was brutal, truly busy and stretched us to our limits, but again some great feedback.

My mum, ed,Sarah, lily and her boyfriend dined and all enjoyed their fill.

Mr blue had a tangle with a fence chasing after a fox and it has left him a little tender and scraped in places, I have to say I do adore my hound's and today will ensure that they both know that and with equal measure I will continue to encourage them to be their own selves, they need to run or fly! They are ddriven by their instincts to hunt,I will just ensure that I eradicate the potential for self damage!

A great deal like my own life.

I will crown the day by cooking supper for us to enjoy, a united family.

Again thanks for sharing your therapies.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Dunc's. . If you've got any more pearlers from hr experience, I would be internally greatfull. It's new ground for me and will probably google hr questions. A superb Dunc's like answer though with regard to hr.

A doff of hard hat!

Evening diary.

Well a wonderful days r and r yesterday, watched two films, the last snuggled up in bed with my beautiful wife on the tablet, good watch called can you see me, a perfect way to end the day of recharging the batteries so to speak, supper was delicious, roast lamb followed by good old profiteroles, well except our Joe who has a particular dislike for the choux bun he had an apple pie, can't see what there's to dislike in the good old profiterole especially with hot chocolate sauce,still more for me lol.

Today I went back to work with a fresh complexion, a huge smile and a desire to get on.

New menu Monday so the next few days will see work take preference , but I will ensure that I enjoy every minute.

I have a potential candidate for the second chefs job popping by tomorrow, they have been working in a quality establishment and I have high hopes they might be another piece of the jigsaw.

Time will tell and I won't cast any plans until I have all the pieces of said jigsaw on the table.

That old saying about counting chickens before they have hatched springs to mind!

Addiction didn't even enter the back of my mind today, funny when I have recharged my batteries it appears not to fancy it's chances, but rest assured I know it sits in wait for the first opportunity to try and re establish control of my mind.

My old friend I stand waiting, that stick you f****d me over with on countless occasions is in my possession now, I fully intend it to stay that way.

Today I lived by a choice

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc's

I regularly read your inspiring posts. They help me, and I would assume they help so many people. Thanks

Dunc's.....hr questions, I just heard this one, which i'll share..

hr - ' Whats a weakness '

Interviewee - ' Honesty '

hr - ' I dont think thats a weakness '

Interviewee '- I dont give a f**k what you think '

🙂 . I'm not sure whether im bothered about particular job, but think i better not use that one.

Dunc's, as I still play with my potential hr questions.

hr. What's a strength?
Me. People person

hr. What's a weakness?
Me. People person. ☺

It's all about balance. & Have a good day.

Morning diary.

Well Sunday is here again, the last day of another busy week and tomorrow I will implement a new menu so today will push us hard to ensure we have done the leg work.

My beloved football team exited the fa cup yesterday, I believe that the manager got things tactically wrong, he panicked when the opposition brought on the big guns and tried to park the bus.

Our lead soon became a deficit.

Many times in my gambling life I lived like that, chasing to try and break even, trying to get back just what I had.

How many episodes of gambling did I walk away from elated at the fact I financially broke even?

Too many!

Today I know the value in protecting what I have

The fact that I have the ability to seek more through hard graft and determined continued effort.

Lol mr cook they brought on a striker, me I would have done the same

As i believe that the greatest form of defence is to attack.

I say that as I give addiction another poke in its eye!

Oh and a kidney punch for good measure.

Still bigger fish to fry,league two!

And for me a multitude of tasks

Bring it on!

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Well yesterday was a truly brutal day, customers overflowing out the doors, but another day when we received great applaud for our efforts. today I launched the new menu and I have already seen a greater influx of more customers.

I enjoyed a curry with our son's last night and sat truly content with the world.

The simple things in life go a long way today and I relish every breath I am gifted.

Addiction still sits on my shoulder desperate to get my attention, I accept it's presence and respect it's power.

I was wholly influenced by addiction for a great number of years and willingly bought into what I thought would be the outcome, something for nothing, a life in the outside lane.

Today I want to tread a steady path,one where I get to enjoy the views along the way and to be able to enjoy the marvels life throws my way.

To achieve this I had to face all my fears and accept my shortcomings, from there I know opportunity is born.

I have admitted defeat, there's no shame in doing so.

Today I made a choice that truly gifted my life

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping out forward never back

Another lovely post to read in the morning Duncs:))

Keep bringing it on, and keep safe.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Just a quick thought or two before I head off to work, stock take today so another early start.

I have just been reading Dans thread and the interesting debate that ensued.

I have a theory on the cycle of gambling addiction and I believe that we roughly all follow the same path.

I don't believe how much you lost throughout your active gambling life has relevance, I have seen the same devastating outcome on folk who have been minimum wage earner's and millionaires alike.

The finances are simply the fuel and the common factor in folk allowing addiction to continue ruling the roost is all efforts are given to repairing financial damage thus creating an opportunity for addiction to green light active gambling.

Once I totally stripped back the financial element of my life I was able to re educate and evaluate my life without a smoke screen.

For me the fact is that financial damage is the easiest thing to repair, living a frugal existence was a life I enforced upon myself whilst actively feeding addiction so to continue whilst facilitating debt was no hardship, the key is what happened once debt was furnished.

Rock bottom?

I know that I came here broken, truly broken, I had lost the will to live in every sense, gambling had beaten me fair and square, I failed to except it for a period of time towards the end of my active and in truth faced two options.

Suicide or seek help, admit to the world that my life was beyond my own control, that I had surrendered my existence to addiction.

I was at the point of no return.

Does everyone wait to their own life becomes truly, totally unmanageable before they seek help?

I believe that here and in 3d I have witnessed many folk follow addiction to the point I did myself, they have recorded it ,where I refused to seek any help until it became the last option on the table.

The truth is I relapsed more times than I could remember, I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again, be so foolish, irrational, inconsiderate, that I would change. For the last five years of my active gambling life I followed the same pattern that is to be found on countless diaries here.

I often wonder if everyone has to get to the point of no return?

I have written on many a thread about walking in the same shoes for the simple reason it's true.

From life in recovery today I will continue to leave new shoes along the way, just as folk have kindly unconditionally done for me.

I believe every addiction has recovery to offer,the addict is the only person who can open the door to it's power.

I hope many more open their own.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Here's my thoughts to share with you there Dunc's.

But one big difference, i'll hopefully explain between how you actively seeked recovery and how i started on the right path then took a complete wrong turning.

I followed a similar pattern to you in my last 5 years of my gambling correar. In fact, I found this site about 3/4 years before I actually joined. So looking back that must be 11/12 years. Wow.

Like you and like many here, I went through relapse after relapse. A couple of times I tried to talk, 1st with my now ex but my arrogance held me back.

My bottom came sat on my brothers couch, someone I only really talked to every 10/15 years. Realising that everything was lost. No Mrs, no money, no where to live, no job, no hope- a common theme.. A point of no return, I thought! I was wrong!!

My 1st two years, after getting over the shock of having to turn to my brother. I found some strength through this forum and even communicating with others and I started to grow. But, here comes the one big difference between myself and you.

I never educated myself or respected the addiction. After the 2 years, I started drifting back to my old ways but starving the gambling. Truthfully, I've seen the most disgusting sides of my character that I really didn't believe existed in myself.

Now, to get back on the recovery horse this time, to me was a whole lot harder. My life hadn't fallen away financially, work was ok, bank balance was ok and I even managed to buy a flat. So, I found myself often thinking of you and wondering whether I needed a 50mile bike ride and the permanent solution at the other end.

Truthfully as well, resentment was another thing that kept me in the wilderness in the past 3 years. Then something clicked last year, I at the time thought was a complete kick in the bollxx only to realise that it was a kick up the ar.se.

I started trying to educate my self, knew I didn't want a bottom again. So started, reading this forum but not participating, asking questions, books, internet. My arrogance started to slowly seep as I started to understand more..

Admitted for the 1st time I needed help but also, that it was only me who could ask for help. I needed to lose my arrogance, which slowly I believe I'm doing.

So now this forum to me is like a orchestra, similar harmony, ryrhmn. The instruments play at different times but all looking at the same song sheet.

My new conclusion on 'rock bottom'. It's about snakes and ladders and we slithered down the biggest snake.

Have a good stock take Dunc's. .

Morning diary.

Paul I lived every word of your post, thanks for sharing, for me great therapy.

I have played a great deal of thought to my life today.

I believe that the key to my inner feeling of content is solely down to the fact that I live with a greater degree of transparency, today I am an open book,I am happy to share my inner thoughts when I need to, I have the ability to judge what's in front of me, rather than worry about what might get thrown back in return, I do what I enjoy and accept situations not of my own making for exactly that.

I sought change because I couldn't continue with the life cycle I lived, I repeated the same actions over and over burying my head in the sand to the outcome.

For every action there is a reaction

Today wholly I am in control of my actions because they come from clean, clear thinking, I don't have a constant underlying factor to consider.

I still have days where depression weights heavy in my mind, days where I would like nothing more than to open the cupboard door under the stairs and climb in, but I understand that the good days outweigh the bad and if I let addiction capitalise on my desire to escape the world I will return without solution but added problems.

Balance.

I have days when I feel I don't warrant what I have, days when I face an uphill climb, days which feel simply brutal and on those days my mind seeks to behave irrationally, go out and spend,gamble,drink excessively

Leave the problems behind and window dress yourself to the world that everything is sweet.

Today I understand that acting in that fashion would be tantamount to feeding addiction, any of those actions leave the same empty feeling because they are reactive not proactive.

I can today find function from within on the days when the inner fight ensues and ride the storm.

Calm awaits,inner peace and ultimately balance.

Today that beat up man who carries the scars of many battles smiled back when I stared at him in the mirror

Why?

Because I saw the outcome of continuous effort.

I have dug deep, because I had to dig out the rot,I know it needs managing every day for life but equally I know how quickly it would grow if I gave into it's beckoning, again balance.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Another good post there and I smiled at your 1st few lines.

It's weird isn't it, yesterday I was also thinking more about transparency but on the other side of the coin. As addicts we somehow think we're invisible, yet with lots we're the most transparent of the lot... Im only starting to see that now.

Truthfully for me, I worry that dots are joining to quick, but then I think maybe all the info I was subconsciously storing is downloading and now I just need a source to process.

A question for you, do you still regular attend GA?

Paul trying to step forward with you