Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

An interesting quandary there Dunc's. I have similar thoughts and see things. In london it's all around me and the Kent town I find myself in, there's more homeless than anticipated. With many an aggressive sort. Picking out the genuine from the ' devils ' isn't that easy. So truthfully, I put my head down and walk past, saying that I do have my favourites and sometimes I'll get a good vantage point to see if someone's genuine.

In truth I would step over a relative in the gutter, not through malice but through education, you can only help yourself and if you prove that your hand is worth holding, i'll hold it.

A ten gent there for you Dunc's, maybe not articulated well. But hai Ho. .

Hi Dunc's, great words on my diary and you get me 100%. What you wrote about yourself was me all over, progressing slowly to £100 a spin on the FOBT's and winning the elusive £500 - which was a dream breaker. Even with the maximum won, it won't even go anywhere near to what I have put in them d**n machines.

Next week is 50 days gambling free for me, a perfect land mark for me to enter..............GA!

Paul

Good morning diary.

Busy day yesterday, the sun joined the party and folk flooded in,left me exhausted by the time I got home, still nothing a good night's kip didn't sort out.

Paul and paul thanks for popping by, I lived in the east end and worked in the west end for five years and the homelessness then appalled me, I remember looking down under the embankment near Waterloo not long after arriving and being wholly shocked, like a city within a city all be it a forgotten one.

The fobt, paul01 I will recall an episode in my gambling life that is truly sickening, an unbelievable way to treat your wife.

We were sharing a day off, money in our pockets and plenty to do.

We headed off to catch a bus into town, I walked an abstract route to encounter a bookies on route.

'Against Sarahs protests we go in, I feed the first note in and quickly get the money to a ten fold win,we withdraw and catch a bus to town. Sarah is elated,like we have been gifted by the gods, she wants the money to furnish some things for the kids, me I have other plans. We arrive in town I dispatch her on a false errand and go straight to the first bookies to cash in on my new found luck!

I am going to turn this into the best day of my life!

I am feeding note after note into the machine, I have zoned out, I can't believe the numbers won't fall in, beside me Sarah silently sobs,the last note in,nothing coming out.

Broke financially the walk of shame ensues, f**k I didn't even purchase return tickets for the bus!

Silence, a 1 and a half hour walk in total silence.

At home Sarah asked why?

I didn't have an answer, she had witnessed the whole event in black and white.

Did my actions find a resolution from that disgusting, disgraceful episode.

Around 15 years later.

Gambling will destroy you from within, until the day you decide enough.

To Sarah I am truly sorry, more than I can ever express for the actions I have bestowed upon your life, through my commitment to feeding addiction I broke endless promises and willingly lied to enable addiction to dominate my existence.

You never gave up when many would have, you are a truly amazing person, my every moment with you I savour today, I have the ability to return the love you have given unconditionally.

For that I am honoured.

I am the result of my choices in life, I bare mentally many scars that run deep, I am appalled by my actions but from them I seek resolve and the ability to make life better and make amends for my actions.

I am not a victim, I have left many innocent people affected, they are the true victims of the compulsion to gamble.

Remember those, they serve as the greatest deterrent when addiction calls.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Good morning Duncs

Absolutely outstanding post and i, for one will be thinking about it a lot today.
I remember the peak of my "gambling carrer", i used to share winnings with my friend...prob to justify my actions so i can be left alone...from 50% it went down to 25%, 20%, 10%...i truly can understand how Sarah felt and seen the money for what they are...it works completely different for CG huh..we see it as tokens...and numerous times i repeated the same action, saying "here this is yours" only for an hour later seeing not only my "half" but my mate's share draining in front of my eyes...and what when? What can i say? How can i destroy the joy? The devastation and anger flooding on...the "it's my money lost so get over it, you don't gamble, you don't understand" feeling & voicing myself out...slowly drowning in secrecy and it becomes horrible cycle...pretending all is good, when it actually slipping from under ur feet.
I remember thinking i will spend my winnings for my nephew..take him out, buy him all he wants....only for the same sinking feeling in front of my eyes to be repeated again..
Disgusting...no other words.

Sarah is an angel and she has always believed in you...and for the right reasons...you're working recovery and giving it all (and more) back! You know that you will be paying back with your honesty, unconditional love, dedication and continues growth in yourself while you carry on through the journey of recovery in your life!

I absolutely admire you Duncs
I thank you for giving me food for thought and i shall hold your words close to my heart...i will today learn from your mistakes and get the strength to work at my recovery as you do.

Thank you and deepest respect my dear friend

Sandra x

Sorry to have missed you on Valentine's Day...We were tucking into a £10 Sunday carvery (same price all year round) @ our adopted local in Cornwall!

V & I have 'discussed' homelessness recently & for me, the imposters have replaced their grubby Reebok Classics with Nike Boinggggs (to chase you down the street in so that they can throw back your coppers in disgust) & their old ripped Parkas with fancy North Face skiing jackets (that most workers can ill afford). I cross the street now & appease my conscience with Christmas donations to Shelter. It doesn't help, it doesn't fix anyone but somewhere in the back of my mind, I just hope that somehow people deserving of the warmth are fed & watered occasionally! In my mind, I was never that close to living on the streets but I have to be realistic, the path of destruction I was on could very much have taken me there! The sight of people clucking for a fix or laying on cardboard in the street is as much a reminder to me as coming on here!

Our 'lives' have shaped us but they don't define us! We are not the same person as we were before & we owe it to ourselves as well as our loved ones to never stop fighting for our future - ODAAT

Hi Dunc's, can totally relate to your last post. Whilst shopping I would make an excuse I would need some things so would go off on my own - I don't need to tell you what I had planned.

On one occasion after my two hours of gambling on the FOBT's, I met up with the Mrs who had brought me lunch. I was all smiles, forcing the food down me as I didn't want to eat, why? Simple, while she was going from shop to shop looking for bargains spending £80 and 6/7 bags full of cloths, I was also going from shop to shop but bookies and losing £670!

For two days after I was trying to function normal, doing house chores, watching TV etc but inside I was bring tortured and ripped apart. No more FOBT's or any form of gambling for me - NEVER!

Paul

Morning Dunc's. After reading your post again and then Odaat.

It made me think of something I'm going to share. During my worse gambling days I use to be in the fortunate position to run away over seas. Quite often to NZ but SE Asia use to always a favourite of mine just to think and watch people.

Years ago I found a good watering hole in Ho Chi Minh city. Amongst all the tight pioneer antipodeans. For days I use to watch this lady ravaged by souvenirs from the Vietnam war struggle along with her paper cup and get f/a. I waited for days for my time to come and that was going to be my last drink. As she walked past I wrapped a $10 note in some s***t Dong money and dropped in and fuxked off. About an hour later after finding a new watering hole, I felt someone looking at me. It was her, we exchanged smiles as I finished my drink and went again.

That was the best £5 I've ever spent. And to think what I gave to them greedy gambling bas.tards.

Not sure why I shared that. But I know I got more from her than she got from me....

That's a nice but horrible story about you and your Mrs but we do need them memory's to grow..

Have a goodie

Morning diary

Thanks for all your thoughts, creating food for thought!

I had another really busy day yesterday, pretty much ran from 11 until 9, ten straight hours at the stove and I am off to work shortly for our busiest day of the week.

The balance comes tonight as we close up at 6 and I am being treated to a curry by our youngest son.

We are all going, that's my second family, my kitchen staff and the establishment of choice an all you can eat place.

Yesterday this caused me some mental termoil because the young lads started calling friendly 'bets' with one another

So competition to see who will eat the most for the outcome of the beer tab.

A tab I will be paying for, a premeditated action.

Why?

Because I refuse to let my mindset feature into the fray, I will without doubt not be the one who eats the least, f**k who am I kidding I can eat like a horse lol, but I know the feeling of entering this kind of thing would trigger that adrenaline release that addiction fed off for many years, I know that the outcome would be addiction whispering sweet nothings about the 'buzz' feeling.

Well my old foe, your out of luck,I am simply one step ahead.

For every action there is a reaction.

I am looking forward to dining out, without feeding addiction I can furnish a bar tab with pleasure, I will enjoy my fill and will enjoy the lads making fools of themselves.

I won't douse their own enjoyment I will keep these thoughts locked in my own mind.

I seek mental balance as the outcome.

Today I will simply make an educated choice to do so.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Up early after another days hard graft, an early wake to cater this morning so a long day in prospect.

Sunday night went well, we had a good time, with honesty not really my cup of tea, but the staff enjoyed themselves and for me it is worthy of the investment of time because I know that the results are plain to see, we grow stronger as a team.

The manager leaves in eight days, I believe as nothing more than the results of the lies previously cast left their position untenable, funny because for three weeks now they have been walking around blaming everyone else and are spoiling for a fight.

I refuse to entertain any nonsense, I equally refuse to get into a cat fight, why?

Because I have bigger and better fish to fry.

I relate to the behaviour greatly, fookety f**k I had shouldred a massive chip for all the wrong things in my life for too many years,eeverything always someone or something else caused, me I was too good to be at fault! !

was i f**k, I was so wrapped up in my own bul#l#sh#it that I neither faced or accepted any truth.

I happily face the outcome of my own actions today, equally I accept the actions of others and the fact I cannot change them.

I have rerelated to this here very recently, I have enjoyed reading a thread that simply mirrors my own gambling life, from it I have taken great therapy, it has equally proven that the addict themselves are the only ones who can truly halt the self destruction, because even faced with the black and white facts whilst active it would appear that by and large we refuse to see the truth.

I cared too greatly about what the world was thinking about me, I weirdly protected my 'winners' image I foolishly thought I wore.

The truth is that was a veil which hid a terrible secret and a great burden of self brought shame.

I concluded by thinking of an old saying.

'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink'

I am thirsty for one thing today, that's living.

So thanks toad for gifting me great therapy, I know at present you can't appear to take what is right in front of you.

Fella, I have walked in the same shoes.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So yesterday I turned up early to cater the wake, assuming that it was for some old folk who lived out their life to the full, it turned out to be for a boy who got to see the world only for one day.

A truly heart wrenching day.

One of sobering reflection.

Enough said.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs... I had intended to write another post to you in reply to mine.... Now,after reading the above post i dont.

Thanks for sharing that above.

& Agreed, enough said.

Have a good day.

Sobering share for us all Duncs, thank you for reminding us all that life is not black or white, it's totally unpredictable at times.

Tough day all round in your work place, but you came through because you are in recovery now.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

I am venturing towards unchartered territory in my life, we got paid yesterday and cleared more debt and by doing the same in a month's time we will only have one debt to furnish and that's with my ma and Ed, one which will be paid from then on in installments but will leave a fare bit of cash every month, it's a great feeling but one I know that will take a new style of management, I have put us behind the eight ball for the 23 years we have been together, every day a battle to get through but weirdly one that gave purpose, drive and united us, gambling effected those years, devastating the ability to get ahead and ruining our relationship with money, recovery left a huge hangover to be faced, one addiction has tried to cash in on many times, pointing out that nothing has changed and the opportunity for a quick fix is there waiting for me to cease.

I see through it today and we are listing new priorities.

Neither does Sarah or I drive so I would like Sarah to learn because it will enhance the life we have.

We have never owned a brand new cooker or fridge, always making do with second hand.

Because I broke the rule.

Never gamble what you cannot afford to lose.

I couldn't stop losing because I couldn't stop gambling, I fully admit that I gambling to the point of total devastation with every episode, but it weirdly brought out the will to survive.

Today I want to choose life not survival, I want every penny we graft for to hold significant meaning, but I don't want it to become the benchmark for life.

Money won't make me happy alone, money won't elevate my life alone, money doesn't gift humility for me it serves a purpose to provide opportunity. opportunity I refused to see.

Our joe is a true wordsmith, he has been working as a librarian in the local school, yesterday he applied for a job as a learning mentor, his personal statement blew my mind and I hope from it he is granted the opportunity to inspire children to seek life.

I am humbled by his approach to life, he will happily look for clothes in charity shops, he holds a belief in giving and will seek to find good, even in the bleakest of situations and inwardly fights horrendous bouts of depression, he is the richest fella I know, yet you can't buy what he brings to life, for me it's inspiration.

Work still dominates my being, this week has been brutal and the weekend is likely to be busier, but it has invigorated me further, it really is my first time in my cooking life where I hold it all together in harmony.

The result I do believe is in the eating, TripAdvisor not my paticular favourite to chart success but I have navigated us from the middle fifties to inside the top twenties in the six months I have been there and my ultimate goal?

Number two.

Why second?

Because it would mean there would be room for improvement.

All this is the cycle of life today.

It is the polar opposite of life as an active gambler

One I am all in for.

To my beautiful wife, my soul mate, I love you more today than I did yesterday but not half as much as I will tomorrow. x

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Brilliant post....congrats on you continued recovery

Morning dairy.

Gary thanks for your kind words, the humility brought by recovery astounds me, to think that I was so pent up with anger through my own actions that I refused to see any outcome of life having a positive impact, well unless it was going to gift me gambling tokens and allow the cycle of self made destruction continue.

One of the owners came to see me yesterday and I am pleased to report that it would appear that my request to give all my kitchen staff a pay rise will be granted which is great and I believe a reflection of the effort we put in and will make the team even more hungry for continuous progression.

Lol I hopefully sealed the deal by providing supper for two of the owners and their wives, fantastic whole grilled local plaice that my local fishmonger sourced, a real treat to cook and I know that they would have eaten equally well.

The owners also pay for everything that they have, just taking the 10% discount that everyone gets, I really like that attitude, it offers team ethics from the top.

So off to work with Sunday lunch beckoning and to ice the cake tonight Sarah is cooking us all a delicious roast, no better way to spend my night off than in the company of my family.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.