Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Selfishly missing your updates. Everything ok? Just thinking about you. -joanxx

Morning diary.

I haven't posted for a while, I have neglected you because I have been solely concentrating upon what is most important,the one selfish act I allow, my own recovery.

I have ridden a huge emotional storm over the past month, many contending factors have contributed.

I have worked hard all my adult life, the ability to work seven days a week and fourteen hours a day has always been my get out of jail card, equally my method of escape from myself, to emmerse myself in a schedule that gives little time for anything else created a situation where I could forget the inner turmoil within my own mind.

On the 8th of August the accident I had put pay to that way of living, from that day my life indeed changed forever.

I am working, all be it less than half the hours I ever have and I am not cooking, I am constructing furniture.

I have through this time since my accident been having an internal war within my own head, the feeling of failure, an inability to function without aggression rising, the thought that suicide is a realistic option, my mind struggling to function without pharmaceutical drugs and of course the temptation being constantly placed in front of me

Fookitall, go on emmerse yourself in the comfort that addiction offers, it will distract you, for fill the feeling of no self worth, it will gift the opportunity of ultimate escape.

I have worn those shoes, that hat was mine, tailor made you might say.

I know the drill, have the video, t-shirt and poster,f**k I was the poster boy 'Duncs the worst gambler in the world'

Today I know that, I accept the mantle, I accept the fact that depression is an illness I will have for life, I accept the fact that to feed addiction is just for me a means of escape.

I through a choice have gifted myself a chance to face the things that trouble my life without having to first face the things that I self create.

I have been to two seminars through the mental health trust with a view to finding a way to better deal with my inner rage, I have been using exercise as a method of pain relief, I no longer depend on vast amounts of opiodes to get to the end of a day, I have abstained from alcohol for the past three months bar one day and I have detached myself from situations where the outcome is both beyond my creating and in turn are a catalyst for the growth of my internal rage.

By doing the above I have found strength and an incredible sense of inner calm.

Regarding my previous employers, the wheels of a legal case are moving, I have been appointed a barrister who's hourly rate sent a shiver down my spine, and I accept wholly the outcome of their findings, I have personally put the whole thing to bed.

The final piece of my current jigsaw,which I see as a small proportion of the life puzzle is I have an final interview on Friday to join a popular retail store full time, something which I believe will offer a long term answer to financial well being, something which will most importantly offer life/work balance that I can use as leverage within my mindset, a belief that from any situation I face there's a better solution than feeding addiction.

In the meantime our baby boy turned 18 Sunday gone, we had a lovely day, family and friends came to share it with us.

Myself, callum and our Joe are going to mark the occasion by getting some words inked,again a permanent reminder that life is precious, worth living and fighting for.

Lastly thanks for all your kind words, I am humbled by them,inspired and eternally grateful for what this forum has gifted.

Many wiser folk than I have been grateful enough to share their lives through the pages here, all gifting a great deal along the way.

I salute you one and all.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler,no bet today.

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Dunc's I'm alway's amazed the way you offfer apologies for as you put it " Neglecting your Diary (Forum ) " because your being " Selfish " ? , You always have to put you and your recovery first my friend as not doing so would put everything in jeopardy that youv'e strived for the last few years and by allowing that to happen would not benefit you or those you love in anyway .

Your not alone in those feelings of failure , as I often wish I could do the same things now as I could have done even five years ago , It's a case of the mind being willing but the overworked battered and bruised body is not , age or injury being one and the same ? .

The important thing is that you continue to push forward seeking answers to life's dilemas and as with your working life , adapt things which will ultimately give you the balance that most of us crave in our crazy live's , a testiment in itself to the fact that you are no longer the Duncan that you left behind slumped over a Fob't in the grip of addiction .

I wish you well Dunc's in the forthcoming Job interview and tip my Hat to you in respect of your constant willingness to overcome any obstacles that may lay in your path :))

Best wishes to you and yours .

Alan

Duncan, thanks for the post on my diary and apology accepted and if I can please offer an apology to you in return for comments I made in the past which caused you anger or distress. We all learn a lot of lessons from our recoveries. We are all fighting this illness / disease / addiction and there have been numerous times on this Forum when we can easily forget we have the same end goal, to live a life without shame, regret, turmoil, financial worries etc. and we become embroiled in discussion and argument against one another where opinions differ. I am not sure how much I can gain from the Forum at the moment but I will certainly be looking to avoid falling out with anyone for however long I am around.

Best wishes in your continued abstinence and your life in general.

Hi Duncan

I have been a great fan of yours and you have been a terrific inspiration. Despite this I have had numerous relapses but am determined to try again following your example. Similar to you depression has always been with me and will remain with me for life I guess. I hope to one day reach the level of clarity you have achieved. Thanks for continuing to be an inspiration!

Morning diary.

I am laying awake at this hour because I have been working in London for the past five days and been out the door at 5am each day, half of each day has been spent sitting in a van trying to get there. I have been refurbishing an office in the strand on the sixth floor right next to the law courts and the views were spectacular. I worked in the west end for nearly five years around twenty years ago and in those years I didn't really see London, I just worked and existed there. The oxo tower was a prominent landmark then,today it's dwarfed by some huge structures. although I haven't been back I still managed to navigate the driver to our destination a strange feeling as the London I remembered was dwarfed by the London I saw. I did reminisce but truthfully I couldn't go back, the dense air and shear volume of people overwhelmed me, everyone appeared to busy and many wore tired and angry looking expressions.

I have finished the job and am off to burgess hill next week to start another contract with a break from it on Wednesday because I have been invited to attend an in store experience with the retail company I interviewed with a couple of weeks ago, this will be the last stage before I could be offered a permanent job, one which won't if i am successful commence until after the new year.

So I have a weekend off, something rare,something cooking never really offered,something that I relish because it will mean that I get two uninterrupted days to share with my beautiful wife and family, I will get to cook up some delicious food and simply enjoy their company. money has been tight over the past couple of months and it will take a couple more months of graft to righten that ship, but the one thing gambling addiction gifted me was the ability to live well on a shoestring, we have money for food and our house is warm so I refuse to be downhearted by it and I certainly refuse to answer addictions calling.

It has crept into my mind a few times, pushing out the same old bile about me treating myself, about the possibility of winning, the joy gambling offers, the buzz feeling.

Well I have walked that path,stepped through the threadbare shoes and lived with the outcome of the act of feeding addiction and I know this

Addiction is the sole winner, I lived by a mantra, I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Action wasn't about gaining financially, it was simply about remaining in action, the escape to another world, one whilst active I felt safe within.

But life remained outside, I refused to face the fall out, I lied and cheated to cover, I stole and detached myself from the real world, I fed addiction because I couldn't see any other way, a cycle of self destruction one today I refuse to rejoin because today I understand value, not only of what I have but what I bring too.

Today I feel worthy of living my life without disruption, I no longer feel like I am not worthy of what I have, today I guess I understand myself a great deal more than I ever have.

Today I embrace the support I have, in fact I can offer it unconditionally back.

Right the light is creeping in, I will leave my beloved peacefully sleeping and take the hounds out, it might be cold outside but I have a huge warmth within.

I hope that life treats you all well and the fight against addiction continues to make you all winners.

I did truly win because I stopped, without waging a single penny I win.

The outcome has a profoundly positive effect on my life both mentally and physically.

My name is Duncan mcquilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler No bet today.

Stepping forward never back.

After noon Dunc's , Good to hear that your well and as focused as ever :)) ,

I enjoy visiting London for a day or two but could never understand anyone wanting to be there for very long , If I visit it's usually by train these day's but in day's gone by would often drive up and alway's think back to turning the corner on the A3M and seeing the sight of our fair city , combined with the smell of the Sea and the Mud flats in Summer , I knew I was home :))

I wish you well with the continued interviewing process on Wednesday and am confident you'll alway's give it your best shot .

Take care my friend and speak to you soon !

Alan

Strength and honour dear Duncs

Enjoy your weekend with calm, peace and love surrounding you! Ohhh..and appreciate that delicious creation of food you will definitely make ☺

Stay kind to you and look after yourself

S x

Hi Dunc's , Just wanted to stop off and thank you for your kind offer regarding the shop , it was very kind of you , I have however decided to close it down for a couple of months , I can use this time to get a few things done while I'm off and as it's generally a quiet time of the year with the weather not being too kind it seems a good opportunity , that being said I did say to Deano I'd be a little worried that my customers wouldn't want me back considering your experience in the trade ! .

I believe you've your other interview tommorow then Dunc's ? So if that's the case I'll end by wishing you well my friend and thank's once again :)) .

Best wishes

Alan

Well Duncs I'm yet to sample your wares but I know from the dedication you put into your recovery & the way your eyes light up when you talk about cooking that Pops is right to be cutting off his nose to spite his face here 😉 There'd be no such nonsense as orange chips if you were to be his stand in man I'm sure & yup, @ least this way, the old duffer has a job to come back to 😉

I also wish you the very best tomorrow @ the interview & always, as ever - ODAAT

Evening Duncan,

Firstly congrats to your beloved Pompey in turning us Hatters over this evening. You played us off the park, taught us a lesson and deservedly took 3 points home.

Secondly accept my best wishes for tomorrow. What will be will be but your positiveness will shine through.

Kind regards

Evening diary.

Thanks for all the kind words of support, Alan the offer stands,fella if you need a helping hand I will be there, balvaird yes three points well earnt,I hope that the season continues to see decent football played.kelly I will cook for you glady,it will be in the comfort of my own home as I have for now without doubt decided that financially I will earn my dues in another way, truthfully my last job cooking has left me in a position where I feel my life is better served that way.

As for orange chips my fare city has never coated our potatoes in anything, I believe it's a black country tradition that led back to the second world war,my guess would be a way to stretch out the shortage of potatoes, something that in truth done well they are delicious. I am very passionate about food and food history, I adore the humble potato, it's greatly undervalued today, lots of our heritage potatoes have been lost to consumer demand for cheaper produce. Equally I love fish and have seen it depleted and replaced by some terrible substitutes in recent years. I would recommend a book for anyone who enjoys a good read, Cod by Mark kurlansky. a fantastic book about the humble life and the human effect on it's existence.

So today I have had my 'in store experience' a couple of hours spent shadowing the assistant manager, a tour of the store, a chat about the job and a couple of tasks carried out and now I wait to see how I fare in the companies talent pool.

I found the experience enlightening, I really enjoyed myself, felt at ease and if offered I will accept a job, the renumeration is good and I will gift myself a fantastic life/work balance. The best thing I took away was in the corner of the staff canteen was a huge box filled with all manner of items, the sign above it said

'At this time of year think of those less fortunate than yourselves and donate what you can for the local homeless shelter'

This gave me a huge sense of wellbeing, I plan to drop something into the store myself for said box over the coming days because I endorse any such project, fantastic to see such humility.

So tonight I am enjoying the company of my eldest and my beautiful wife, watching the football, not to mention our beloved hounds curled up around us.

I know that this is the best answer to anything addiction puts in my wake, because I fed it willingly for more years than I care to remember, from it I am no longer bitter, I am no longer angry at myself or the world, I take the lessons it gifted me, I am embrace the path it led me to, that's a life enriched with love and an unbridled desire to live in harmony with my shortcomings.

It's there for every addict,it takes commitment, dedication and from it a passion for life warts and all is the result.

Please take it.

Because everyone is worthy.

My name is Duncan Mcquilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler

No bet today stepping forward never back.

Evening Duncs, just digging you out from page 7 in the hope that my thoughts of you find you wandering back to the site & also hope that being back where you belong will give others the same insight that I was offered when I 1st came here! I have so much to be greatful for & one of my biggest thank-you's is to you for having the strength & patience to sit with me those few short months (that sometimes feel like a lifetime) ago & answer all my random questions.

I do hope that life is treating you well & that you will @ some point get all your loved ones round your table during the festive season. I refuse to let you disappear on me especially now the stakes have been upped to home cooking, you have been warned 😉

Be safe, be happy & keep stepping forwards - ODAAT

Thanks for digging Duncs out Odaat. I saw his posts when I popped on at start of year, wondered where he had gone. This resonates so loudly 'Action wasn't about gaining financially, it was simply about remaining in action, the escape to another world,one whilst active I felt safe within'.

Evening diary.

Kelly thanks for the dig out, I have just been so busy I haven't been looking at the forum of late.

Diary I have neglected you but today I appreciate fully the life you have helped me find without addiction ruling every decision, every action and the destruction I brought myself and my family to boot,today diary I celebrate life with you.

I have cooked for my beloved family today, a roasted sirloin the centre piece, it was stunning. I got to spoil my wife, gift our children's bank accounts and all in a frame of mind which is tranquil. Christmas is for me a truly humbling time I have tried to benefit a few of the local homeless in the past week, a situation which in Portsmouth worsens by the week, why?? Because 5 years ago I was living a double life of which was catching up with me,the lies, the stealing, cheating and deceptive way I lived beggers belief and suicide was my salvation, I truly believed that it was my only option and weirdly I saw it as a gift to my family, the answer to the problems I had self created.

Today I understand the value of honesty, I understand what hiding the truth brings, today I want to live,equally I want to share my life warts and all with the people who mean the most. Addiction still resides within my mind it tries to push to the forefront often, tales of how much more I could give those I love, promises of the winning streak I believed my commitment would gift.

Utter poppycock, the fact is for me I can't gamble because I know that I cannot stop. I detach myself from the man within.

Anger doesn't resonate, manifest itself, today I understand the value of balance.

I still suffer from depression, I accept it's presence,the episodes come and I can live in the knowledge that life will improve if I remain in control, I have eradicated the things that exaggerated the episodes from my life.

Work wise I have an offer to start a new career in the new year, one I am truly looking forward to, I have been labouring for the past few weeks and respect how hard physically it is. my back troubles me at times, but the exercises the physio has taught are invaluable. I still attend physio every other week and accept my life is different from the one I lived before my accident.

So I lay relaxed watching the tv with my beloved family and a pint of the black stuff.

I wish you all good health and happiness.

Gamble free I salute you all.

Abstain and maintain.

My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler,no bet today.

Stepping forward never back.