Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

So yesterday's physio left me again in serious pain, yesterday I was told that the bottom disc that has compressed has in effect twisted 180degrees when it came out, today the ba#s#ta#rd thing has been screaming, with honesty this morning I just laid prostrate in tears, unable to shift the pain.

I have taken all the medication I am able to and am now laying in more comfort. I will not let this knock me over, funnily addiction popped up into the forefront of my mind, a result I believe in it trying to cash in on my viewing of the panorama programme last night, all those images of live play and coincidentally the number I staked often was shown coming in again and again.

I will be honest I felt my heart rate rise every time a machine in play was shown, but that's as far as addiction got.

I am fully aware of the outcome, the short term elevation of belief which quickly for me errods into a zoning out into the world of escape, the eventual outcome as always that walk of shame,the funds available drained and head down quickly exiting the bookies hoping nobody notices or the internal wish that the ground would open and swallow me up.

Today I register the effects on my own brain of visualising active play, addiction wants a piece of that pie, and addiction can f**k off, I squared up to it,stood my ground and soon it went back to the place it belongs, the doldrums of my mind,in the deepest darkest recess.

For twenty years and more I devoted my life to that call,listening to the utter bo#l#loc#ks it whispered in my all to eager to listen ears.

I accept that I am a compulsive gambler.

Any bet in any form is for me totally unacceptable, because at no odds on offer am I prepared to stake what I stand to lose.

And writing that feels good, like delivering a left hook and a straight right into the heart of addiction.

Without waging a single penny today I win.

Something addiction promised over and again and never once delivered.

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler. No bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Duncs I hope to post with the same strength and diligents one day as you do yourself.

Sorry to read your backs still giving you pain.
Pain I's part of the healing process apparently
All the best

How you going Duncs?

I'm hoping that the lack of activity in the early hours means you are back snuggled up in the marital bed instead of on the floor whilst the hounds make the most of the duvet?

Keep delivering those left hooks - ODAAT

Evening diary

Kelly thanks for popping by I am sorry that I haven't kept my diary up to date, I will explain.

On the 14/9 I text the management my weekly update on my recovery and in reply received a text stating that I couldn't have received my letter as I had sent this, then another message stating that message wasn't for me.

Then a letter arrived, the briefest of letters including a p45, stating that my resignation had been overlooked and the ssp shouldn't have been paid.

No dignity, no phone call just a callous letter founded upon lies.

So I exploded, mentally it beat me up,physically I was unable to respond.

I shut the door on life, I have sort legal advice, I now have the prospect of a lengthy legal process to face.

On two ground's, unfair dismissal and secondly the accident I had at work, an accident it transpired the management failed to record and denied happened.

I have handed all the information I have over to a reputable legal company and will await the outcome, one I didn't see coming and emotionally have had to ride a big storm in my own mind to sail through.

I have equally come through a week of intensive physiotherapy and go into another tomorrow, something in the big picture is the most important thing happening in my life right here and now. I had two epidural injections neither worked,they just gave me a feeling that I was desperate for a pee lol.

I have been using my medication wisely, timing it to relieve the aftermath of each session, first day my lower back felt ripped off, followed by a day of incredible shoulder pain, by Thursday I was thinking about throwing the towel in, but on Friday morning I awoke with a degree of comfort, the disc's are by all accounts returning and this week should see me regain a greater deal of normality.

The following week I hope to start work with a fella I have worked with before, only and only if I am well enough to do so.

I have had the support of my wife and three amazing children this past week and a half and I have learnt when spanners get thrown in the works I have to strip back to the basics to ensure that I get the best outcome.

Addiction, addiction has been having a field day, trying to get me riled, trying to get inside my head, trying to turn the world upside down. I have kept it square on,faced it eyes wide open and held firm,blocks in place to secure the mantra.

Abstain and maintain.

I recognise that I am a fortunate fellow, that I have folk beside me to walk through the journey I embarked upon, this is a truly powerful gift and together we can defeat and conquer anything that is placed in our wake.

Addiction played master for twenty progressive years, today the roles are reversed, addiction is the doormat, we wipe our sh×#it×#y feet on it as often as required.

I have an appointment with the local mental health services a week Tuesday, something that I welcome, I am looking forward to exploring my inner emotions and hopefully unlocking some more doors to ensure my life remains something that I control.

I have lost two trouser sizes and some of the tents I was wearing for shirts are no longer required, I have shed over two and a half stone since my accident weight I will work hard to keep off because I feel better for it.

So Kelly, Alan it's just half pound burgers from now on lol.

I have returned a couple of times to the supposed comfort of the the marital bed, lol Sarah said I act like a hog on a spit, tossing and turning all night,but I hope to see that change this week; )

My name is Duncan mcquilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler No bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

Life indeed takes many strange turns and your story above took me several times to read and comprehend.

Your strength and determination shine through and we can all learn about this addiction from reading your diary and the immense steps you take daily are a credit to you and your family.

I salute you young Sir.

On a slightly different note Pompey and the Hatters currently sit pretty in League 2 which makes a change!!!. Long may it continue.

Best wishes

I sincerely hope that apology was not for me Duncs :-0 You know the rules...Your diary waits patiently (unlike myself) for when you are ready for it. As much as I love your updates I'll take them sous vide.

You have hinted @ the questionable morals of your employers before but I really wanna 'send the boys round' now (bleep, asterisk, expletive, expletive). Since turning back the clock is not an option & no amount of justice can undo your agony, I know nothing can right this wrong but hopefully the solicitors can help you ride out the storm to a conclusion that sits ok with you.

Epidurals eh? Were you trying to give birth to the discs? Should have tried the laughing gas instead...Then it wouldn't have mattered if you'd pee'd yourself 😉

Throw the towel in? You? That's not how you roll Duncs but I hear what it means on the pain scale. I think Deano mentioned no pain, no gain, but hopefully you have gotten through the worse of it now & tipu tapu on the work front yeah!

Half pound it is Duncs...Wouldn't want all that 'hard work' to go to waste eh 😉 Could be time for a bit of modelling? & as for those tents...When you're properly back on your feet, do you think you could fashion one into a gazebo for me 🙂

Keep wiping your feet on addiction Duncs with a word to the wise, if you insist on marching through the brown stuff 1st, remember to take your shoes off before entering a house with cream carpets (I, the Queen of stepping in dog faeces, speak from experience)!

Wishing you a speedy return to your happy place - ODAAT

Morning diary.

I have a day without physiotherapy today, a day to rest and enjoy the rewards of the efforts that I have given to physically recovering from my injury. my physio said something yesterday that rang around my ears all day, at the end of my session she said 'for you things won't be the same again, the trauma you suffered will have an effect on the rest of your life and how you live it'

I went over those words again and again because I will use them as inspiration, I have learnt such a great deal in the past six weeks, physically I will never underestimate how fragile the body can be, that jumping feet first at everything can come with consequences, I have managed to navigate through some days of emmense pain and use them in a fashion that compels me to want to live without suffering, mentally I have been knocked down a few times, the inability to get up and get at it something wholly new, an occurance that had addiction foolishly thinking the door was about to open, something that was proved wrong because I understand what it is like to hold the keys.

I accept that my life will never be the same, I embrace it.

I vow to improve my own life through continuing to pursue my dreams, ambitions and all whilst loving the here and now.

I wantantly wasted a great proportion of living in the false belief that I wasn't worthy or needed more funds to do so.

Today I learn from that mistake and have built a foundation for a life that I am proud to call my own.

Best of all I got to wake up next to someone I truly love in every way, my beautiful wife Sarah, whom I love more today than I did yesterday but not half as much as I will tomorrow.

Recovery is a gift, one I will never tire of greeting each days dawning.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Your quietly going through the proverbial mill at the moment Dunc's , with one of those times in life where everything possible comes at you from all directions , It's never nice when it happens but all about how we deal with it , the word's once again turn up " Acceptance " of what is and the " Positivity " to move forward and do something about it both of which you have in abundance .

If we ever do meet for one of those low calorie burger's , we'll recognise each other from the big chemist's bag of meds were both clutching tightly ! LOL .

Wishing you well Dunc's

Hi Duncs,

The way you are dealing with this injury and the continued positivity and Carpe Diem mentality is an inspiration, I also hope you can find some kind of resolution and success in dealing with your former employers, who are behaving disgracefully IMO.

Hope you're having a good weekend, and that your physio and medication can help keep the pain down too.

Ryan

Evening diary.
First day back to work today,one I physically struggled through and then this evening all our children dragged me off to the guildhall to see Jamie T something I could have happily given a miss and had a night in to rest up for another work day tomorrow.but I am glad I went, I found a decent spot against a wall at the side of the main stage and thoroughly enjoyed myself as did all the kids, I am now dosed up and have opted for a night on the living room floor.
I have a less physically demanding day lined up for tomorrows work schedule and am mindful not to push myself too hard.
So life rolls on and I am facing it face on.
My appointment with a member of the Solent trust mental health team scheduled for Wednesday afternoon,something I am looking forward to, in the hope I can open some doors.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

How are you?

Evening diary.

Thanks for popping by cw, I am ok, I have been busy all week back working which has taken priority.

Today is my birthday, 42 years young lol, a day in which I have been gifted to be able to spend it with the folk dearest in my life.

Tomorrow is world mental health day, something very close to my heart, I will find a fitting way to engage with it, I applaud everyone who does the same. I benefitted hugely in the past week myself by seeking the help of my own local mental health services, something which saw another door open.

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today.

Stepping forward never back.

Happy belated birthday wishes Duncs. Glad to hear your health is improving slightly. Slowly, slowly peoples perception of mental health is changing. Not quick enough for my liking, but i always was impatient for change.

Duncs!!!

I feel such a fool for not raising my concerns and bad feelings earlier. I just let it eat me alive all these months where i should of just come on here and publically talk about my worries.
The massive weight has been lifted! Such a feeling ☺.. thank you Duncs, i truly believed deep down that the wise and forgiving man you are & would accept the wrongs of others.
Technology doesn't work well these days huh..should get bk to writing letters..

Happy birthday by the way, another year wiser!

Thank you again and i may ask you to stop texting now 😛

Remember - any issues, worries, problems and heartache has a solution..nice & steady - one day at a time.

Fighting alongside you!

S x

Hi Duncs,

Sorry I missed your birthday, hope you had a good day. Mental health is a topic that is particularly pertinent for us gambling addicts, I'm not sure if it is CGs that develop mental health issues with the stress and pressure caused by gambling, or whether it is people with mental health issues that can develop into CGs, but it certainly seems to be that way. I know there's history in my family, so I've always tried to be non-judgemental, and hope that people take me the same way.

Anyhoo, have a good weekend mate.