Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
Just home from a long day and I got thoroughly soaked on the 12mile ride home, I will need different shoes and coat for tomorrow's repeat journey.
I could rip the place I worked today to pieces,write about everything they are doing wrong but why would I rip another persons efforts apart,for self gratification,to big up myself??
No point in doing that,I have another two days booked in and I will just carry on as I did today,I am proud to be able to walk in and leave a professional imprint,to be able to contribute in the manner that I have for my entire working life. In my personal life I will work on much the same level,I refuse to judge another folks efforts in a fashion that would plainly be detrimental because I know how the boot feels if it's only the other foot.
What is the gain?? A short term self inflation. I don't wish for a utopia,I wish for a live and let live approach because that's a model that surely works from both sides of the street.
I had a smile on my face all day today,I am back doing what I love to do,to cook professionally and I am able to do it on my terms,something empowering and compelling.
Tomorrow I will dance to that tune.because I am worthy of that.
Today I made an educated choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs

Evening Duncs.

Loved your post. 5 or so years ago I used to sit in traffic on the A40 on my way to my soulless profession and find myself genuinely envious. Your bike ride to the job you love and took pride in always came across as idyllic - something I really yearned for.

Fast forward 5 years and just 6 months of abstinence and I myself am starting to take a pride in what I do and can really make a positive difference to others. It is nice to be nice.

I was gutted for you when you briefly lost what you seemed to cherish. Delighted that to some extent you have it back. I really hope that you keep it. After what you have suffered I am certain you it is the least you deserve. Wishing you a productive and restful weekend.

Markman

Hey Duncan...good morning ☺

Just wanted to wish you a good day doing what you enjoy the most! Creativity and pride in your amazing cooking!

Good to see you back in the saddle...keep on going dear friend....little steps forward

B&S xx

Hi,

I need to recap on your story, I remember following your diary a few years ago, just skimming through the last few posts it sounds like you have found some nice balance in recent times, that brings a smile to my face and some of the simple pleasures you allude to help remind me of what I aslo want, crave from life so, even as an ardant Southamptoner, I thank you and wish you well

P.s. I've been feeling quite strong recently but I'm starting to think this bloomin reCAPTCHA system might just be the thing that tips me over the edge!!!! argh!

Morning diary.

Thanks for your kind words cg, I hope you find the path that befits a better quality of life for you.

So work yesterday and got sent home early too many staff on for the demands and I guess I was sent home as the I was the most expensive person working due to the agency fees,yesterday the owner offered me a permanent position, something that I declined as I simply don't want to commit to a permanent position and the hours it would take up in my life.

I got home and there was a drinking session in full flow,lily was going out and she had a friend around for pre drinks and Sarah had a friend round and was working through the drinks cupboard. I will say as a fella who hasn't had a drink for a month it's quite an eye opener to be the sober person in the mix,I felt like a spare part and the session went on to gone half past two, shame I couldn't turn the volume down as it appears alcohol turns everyone's volume up to maximum.

I caught up with the tour De France and the golf and read the last of a book I have been enjoying.

Sleep evading me,still I have traded on four hours on average for most of my life and have work shortly, my last day in this establishment before moving to another location tomorrow.

I would have joined the party before hand, the old if you can't beat em then join em mentality, but the truth is alcohol changes my mindset, it brings out the worst of everything and I know today I would function at half the person I want to be.

So it's something that I have to learn to process, to be the sober person in the room, to accept that on these occasions I will feel out of sink,like a fish out of water, so I will work on finding a way to engage or failing that isolate myself on such occasions.

This is a product of my failings, I have observed many times that I have a gung ho approach to pretty much everything and with alcohol it's the same, I have drunk on many occasions to excess and most probably to escape the inner workings of my mind, this I accept is not the case for many and I get why like gambling folk can enjoy it for what it is.

I will forge a way to accept this as the best way for me to live my life, I have a new found ability to actually do what is right for me, it's taken forty two years and a great deal of self harm and catastrophic events of my own making but with absolute honesty today I sit the most comfortable in my skin I ever have.

I know equally that cycling is something that brings a great amount of joy and self forfillment, I have cycled over fifty miles in the past two days and have another twenty five to go today and it instills a great deal of self pleasure to do so, I kind of use it as my own head space time, I probably look quite odd to the world outside my own mind, often cycling along nattering to nobody but myself! !!

So with that and my time spent with my beloved hounds I have things that bring joy for their presence, for that I am wholly grateful.

Even more so that today the sun is shining again, I have already been out with the hounds and enjoyed watching them run around with their friends chasing their lures.

Something that money can't buy and I never found in the bottom of a glass or an fobt equally.

Today I live by measured thought.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Hi duncs

Alcohol's a funny one. It's such a big thing in society and has such a profound effect on individuals and society. But unlike other mood /mind altering drugs is socially acceptable. It's fine to get rat - arsed.

I still drink. Less so now and see clear diminishing returns of enjoyment now after 2 pints.

You're not alone in finding it weird and lonely being around P****d people when sober. Barriers and inhibitions come down, bravado goes up and gradually things get more weird, from a sober perspective.

I suggest taking in the early parts and making the most of the earlier, fun stages of disinhibited behaviour, and then politely bow out and leave em to it, knowing you can embrace the next day without a stinking hangover.

Louis

Evening diary.

Louis thanks for your thoughts I appreciate them greatly.

So feeling tense today, I asked a question about something that was repeatedly talked about last night and was told that I am ridiculous and when I pointed out that I am trying to share my inner thoughts I just got shut down and told I can 'do what I like'

So i guess i will throw myself at work and relive the cycle of escape to make myself function. I have tried so very hard for the past four weeks and today with honesty am left with a deep sinking feeling, it feels like whatever I do it just simply won't ever be enough. I feel like I am alone again that I am not worthy of living life in a contented manner, I feel like the rug has been tugged from under my feet.

I have to preserve the feeling of inner calm, I will not let circumstances lead my thoughts back to where they were a month ago.

I want to live.

I won't be around the forum much over the next few days, I will cycle to my next establishment tomorrow, a sixty mile round trip with a twelve hour day sandwiched in between and thankfully I have four straight days booked.

I will allow myself the ability to breathe.

I have that right at least.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs

Duncs,

Show some love and care for yourself.

It is easy to criticise ourselves and we are good at it...You're worth good things in life and they will keep coming. Reclaim the peace you so deserve...for you!! As you know it's like sun of rays: you feel good and it shines around you spreading to the wide world ☺

Stay positive and look after the body and mind.

You matter and YOU are enough.

B&S xx

Are you going to GA yet? It's brave and admirable that you share your diary.

But, for me at least, it helps to have a bit of space where I can express my feelings freely and kind of anonymously.

Might be off the mark. But it seems that sometimes when you have a problem you kind of talk around the issue, if that makes sense. I wonder if that's cos you know your diary's an open book?

I've found it helpful to get down my feelings and insecurities here. Getting them down specifically -gives me objectivity-distance-perspective.

Obviously talking directly with FMs about stuff is always ideal but that's not always gona work for various reasons.

Just a thought.

Louis

Hi Duncs i've know you from this site for quite some time so im sorry to hear the struggles you r having currently, like yourself i am severe issues with drinking and gambling- after abstaining from gambling for quite some time i've got back into it over past month a long with the dreaded liquor and mainly vodka. I too struggle to wonder about life without a drink its frankfully scares me to spend the rest of my life without alchohol, but im alcoholic and i can never go back to moderate drinking, it always leaves me in a terrible dark state and the progressivness of it , shows will be never get better ONLY WORSE , along with all addictions. i put in a long diary entry today as i wanted it down on paper how badly i feel right now, as in time the depression , shame , guilt will lift and i;ll start thinking about that next drink/gamble again.

Wish you well on your future, im back to square one again but im more determined than ever but am very apprehensive with all my relapses and fear of the future and what the future holds,

gavin

Evening diary.

So I turned up for my next booked job today only to be told that I was a week early!!!! After cycling 30 miles to make the appointment I threw my toys out of the pram so to speak, the result was I got half a days wages and came home.

I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, so we had time to have a clear the air at home, it got ugly and then got to where it should be, adults rationally talking, planning making their feelings felt and for me a chance to learn another lesson.

We have a plan,we need to stick with it, yes it will be difficult at times but it will have a profound effect on our lives in the future.

This has to come with transparency, complete honesty,.

Louis, fella I understand the value of talking in the rooms, I have yet to attend a meeting but have met outside with two fellow GA members for two meetings of our own creation purely because of the unsociable hours the three of us work.

That being said I had kept my inner most thoughts from Sarah for many years, the shame of admitting to my shortfalls and the hopeless feeling generated led me to often don a mask,to pretend that everything was okay.

I will never do that again, I have to create change, I want to be content with the person I truly am.

I write hear how it is in my mind, I have and will always be happy for anyone to read it, it is an honest account of my inner self, I understand that it is difficult to digest at times but typing gifts me great therapy, I have probably lost a huge amount of inner rage and stress out of my being through typing those emotions.

I accept that I have a huge mountain to climb, I have layered issues that I have to deal with, educate myself from and find a way to live within my own mind.

I know that it's possible, I equally know who I desire to do it with

That is my best friend and soul mate Sarah. From this I wish for her the same strength to recover too.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Morning Duncs,

I'm just tagging into the thoughts between you and Louis.

Whether I can articulate is another matter but I can only try.

I'm also a advocate for complete honesty and transparency. But then I'm also a advocate of ' ME ' time and to just sit with my thoughts. Of recent times I've become a advocate of being the centre stage attraction and sharing my thoughts with people who really in the grand schemes of things don't matter, whether that's through a support group or a therapist I'm seeing. Completely neutral people giving me a stage to shine and talk about my inner thoughts without me having to think about there feelings.

I've always respected couples who go into recovery together as the addicts carries the guilt of there past actions and now find them selves justifiably carrying the guilt of there partners post trauma. I use to think recovery would be easier as a couple, now I don't. It's easier to be selfish when it's just yourself to think about. ' selfish in addiction, selfish in recovery '

I think in relationships there should be 3 party's - Him, Her & togetherness. Everybody needs space and there own interests....

I tend to think soul mates akin to a bunch of grapes. So, with myself I've had plenty of ' soul mates ', some go rotten or sour, yet a part of myself and past. I'm far from a spiritual chap but think sometimes people can share souls, hence that's why a element of breathing alone is important.

Not sure whether I've articulated myself at all there and from a single chap, what would I know ! But only my humble thoughts.

Before I say have a good day, and this may pi.....ss you off but I think you need to find time for meetings. Works important but re(dis)covery is more important...

Any way wishing you and Mrs well

Evening diary.

Paul fella I totally emulate with everything you say, I do need time to breathe alone and so very much does Sarah but with that we need to share the knowledge of where we are and what we are doing, more so for Sarah because I can't expect to go 'off radar' and it be in any way acceptable because I have spent my life dissappearing and I know how important it is that Sarah knows I am safe so to speak.

We are both without doubt in my mind recovering and I equally accept we will do that at different speeds and in different ways.

We have twenty six years been in a relationship and the bond we share runs very deep and I understand how strong that is.

The difference between the past and present is we are talking about everything, there's no secrets or hiding the truth.

We are very passionate towards one another and in truth that has grown, the desire grows,that's something I know comes from inner emotions not money or other folks opinion.

I have had a good day today, after being guzumped by the agency I text a friend and have picked up three days labouring to fill the work void and keep the money rolling in. I am back cooking Sunday and most importantly I have a date planned for Friday night.

The woman I have a date with is not only beautiful, funny,engaging, intellectual she is my wife and best friend.

I can't wait, it's something that we haven't gifted ourselves enough.

I am a working progress, I have this week been truly honest with life and in doing so been kind to myself.

Yes things got turbulent but the storm was ridden.

Addiction sits in the doldrums sulking like a kid that was given everything it asked for and for the first time was told actually NO.

I have the ability to say that precious word.

I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Morning diary
So I am on my way to Essex in a white van for a days labouring for a pal of mine, I have had to listen to his moaning for the past two days and a couple of hours this morning with the rest of the day to go!! Everything is on the agenda,everything is looked at through a half empty glass. I sit and smile,yesterday he questioned my happiness, I guess I have a glass half full my reply, I know I view trivial things as joyous and can take the good from the darkest of situations and normal things that happen every day mean a great deal but I would rather have a half full glass than live procrastinating about everything that life throws up.
I refuse to be downhearted, yes we get paid today,yes the outgoings pretty much equal that going out but it's a joy to know that I really can graft my way into the black by the new year and live a life whilst doing it.
Equally I have a date tonight,not a date a red hot smoking date!!!!
There will be time to get home shower and shave my well worn face and don my Sunday best after earning enough spare cash today to do so.
So I won't apologise for wearing a great big smile today!!!
And back to cooking after today to end.
Today I am content,because I will continue to put the effort in to my best ability.
And I have a mantra.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs.