Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

I wish you a wonderful evening tonight Duncan.

A date with the wife is so much more satisfying after a hard days work.

I said to my friend just yesterday that nowdays all I need is the love of my family and the very basics in life to be happy. Addiction has has robbed the last 12 years of my life of all the simple pleasures owing to a selfish and painstaking pursuit of so-called luxuries which I believed would make me happy.

Whilst addiction has effectively stolen 12 years of my life, I now like to think that it has gifted me the remainder of my life. As long as I see a smile on the face of my childen, can watch a bit of cricket and have a cup of tea and a biscuit and read one of the classics I am happy. Shall be watching Middlesex in the T20 tonight and cannot wait. So delighted to be able to watch sport again and enjoy it for what it is.

Take care of yourself.

Mark

Evening diary.

Well my date turned out to pass even my expectations, what a fantastic night, the product of the efforts we have put in over the past month, we talked, laughed and had a proper good night; )

Today we went over the border to Southampton lol,did some window shopping and I grabbed some new chef's whites to fit my ever decreasing frame, I have shed a couple of stone in the past month and plan to carry on living a much better lifestyle.

I came home and cleaned the oven, it was long overdue, you could no longer see what was cooking and now it's gleaming.

I also got an hour of free time to read and choose to read all I could about what is happening with the world of gambling, I seriously can't believe that there is still a campaign to regulate the maximum bet on the fobt,I would love to spend ten minutes explaining that this is a completely flawed theory to anyone promoting such an idea.

I have written before and will shout from the rooftops for the rest of my life, it doesn't have any relevance to a compulsive gambler to regulate how much the maximum stake is it will just prolong each gambling episode. I have stood in front of a fruit machine with a jackpot of £15 and put a weeks wages into the coin feed, twenty times the maximum payout and I have stood there for eight hours to do so, I would leave my phone unanswered, not drink,eat or use the toilet, I would zone out and feed that machine until I had nothing left to feed it with, that progressed to the fobt and yes the stakes raised but only because I had more to feed it with. The hundred pound spins just made episodes shorter,they saved time. The stake is irrelevant, that is the least damaging part of the process because I know that any episode would just be prolonged.

I wish that for future generations something could be done to educate them that gambling addiction is real and can be as destructive as many other addictions, I get the feeling that gambling generates a great deal of revenue for the government to be taken in the account it actually should. I read a report in my local paper that said a million people sought self exclusion in 2016,that is a statistic that tells me that the number of compulsive gamblers has increased greatly because that million surely are.jjust the tip of the iceberg.

I feel that gambling addiction is the elephant in the room.

I was fuelled to devote my life further to recovery for that I am eternally grateful.

Today my life was bettered by a choice I made.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc's... its been a long time... good to see you back airing your thoughts.

I couldn't agree more with your thoughts. Ive just been having a rant in my own diary on a similar theme. Like you say, the stake is completely irrelevant. Government should removing gambling machines from the high street and making online gambling sites illegal and shutting them down. But they don't. I think its evil.

Good to see you making forward strides once more. I aim to do the same.

Regards... S.A 🙂

I could not agree more with the last post. FOBTS are evil and should be removed. I'm now 48 days GF. It's been much harder then I could off ever imagined but there is no way I'm going back. Gazza

Evening diary.

Just got back from work, another forefilling day at the stoves, I love to cook and that makes a huge difference because work is easy and being freelance means I have the freedom I have needed to not be tied down to one kitchen. I am good at what I do and I am confident that I leave a positive impact wherever I find myself.

SA/gazza thanks for your input, me I would leave the fobt where they are, but educate future generations about what they can bring to life, I equally wouldn't hide them behind screens I would have them in open windows so folk couldn't hide in the bookies like I did. I would like to see betting shops have a system where the gambler would have to join and have a credit check and from that there gambling limit set by the outcome of that rating, because I believe it would be revolutionary, it would eradicate a great deal of debt.

Bookmakers, pawnbrokers and payday loan companies prey on folk in desperate situations I know because I have worn those shoes and in truth none of those folk at times should have given me a single penny yet without folk like me they wouldn't have a business.

I have had to learn the brutally hard way and my wish is to educate future generations about what can happen to them if they carry the same compulsion I do.

I believe that this has happened with smoking, there are less young people smoking in my opinion, there's a stigma carried with it today and that's the product of the government's actions with it's regards.

Why not gambling?

My educated guess is we the statistical few are expendable because the revenue from tax on gambling is enough to make us so.

I am not bitter towards the industry, the bottom line is they have been given a free reign, they call the shots,they are a voice beyond ours the statistical few.

The expendables.

Me I will stand up to be counted, I have the will to live with the addiction I will have for life within my mind, I want my addiction and the devastating outcome to educate others that gambling addiction is not something that should be taken lightly.

Everyone I talk to knows someone who has the same addiction, that speaks volumes to me.

Day off tomorrow then six straight days graft, the vast majority of which can facilitate debt.

That is inspiration in itself.

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back

Great post

Morning diary.

So on Saturday I cleaned the oven and yesterday when the oven was turned on it tripped the household electrics!

I cleaned it so well I killed the thermostat. That cooker is something that my mum gave me probably fifteen years ago, the truth is we have never owned a new one, like many other things we have accepted second hand goods to in the main part to further facilitate feeding my addiction.

So I have looked around at new cookers,I could buy one that 'will do' or I can get my head down over the next few weeks and graft hard to purchase a rangemaster my dream stove, one with all the things and functions I could ever wish for.

We have the gas hob working on our current stove so we will be able to feed ourselves so I am going to take option two, I will graft hard,I will forgo the bank holiday weekend I planned to take off and the outcome will be profound.

I will achieve what I set out to because I know that it will bring great value.

Today I feel like I have my mojo,I haven't had a drink,I haven't listened to the little voice in the back of my head, I have found myself. For that I am truly humbled, I will embrace the opportunity to live with the abilities that are created.

By the same token I will accept the days when my mind clouds over with depression, I know that episodes will come, equally as important I understand that they will pass. I have put myself in possibly the best position to mentally deal with those times because I no longer want to escape them.

Positivity without doubt breeds a better outcome and double that with a truly realistic view that everything will never be perfect.

Life just isn't like that is it?

Off today, food shopping later for delicious things you can cook on the hob!!!

It starts with a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hello Duncs,

I have just been catching up with your diary, you have been through the mill and then some. Some incredibly brave and powerful posts. They say we can never truly start recovery until we hit rock bottom,until no stones are left unturned. You have taken some tough decisions and clearly been going through a rough patch. But you are fighting on, in your words 'standing up and being counted'.Day by day we get stronger, never giving up never giving in. You are a gamcare warrior and a inspiration to many with your honest, kind and thoughtful posts. Stay safe and strong, one baby step at a time.

Morning diary.

Morning diary, today I feel again like I have control of my own destiny, that I have regained control of my own mind, I accept that I am taking medication to regulate the amount of serotonin produced that leads me to live a roller coaster ride of mood swings every day, today without doubt I feel a greater sense of balance and with that I can see everything in black and white rather than the blurred distortion of the picture I have viewed for the best part of my life. And I can happily report that any side effects are minimal as a pose to previous anti depressants I have taken which heightened my suicidal thoughts.

I accept the function change, I accept that I won't consume alcohol, I accept that I may take them for a prolonged period, maybe for life.

Acceptance is a huge thing for me, to accept that I have the ability to live a controlled life with greater measures if aided by medication is without doubt better than anything I have lived before.

I truly don't feel like I am taking the easy route and in no way have I been given a false dawn.

Alcohol and gambling brought both in my consumption of them, they both brought that false dawn, today I accept a better life without their presence.

I am the author of how my life will turn and twist and I am more confident today about my ability to make better choices.

I sought help and I found it, I will continue to do so.

I have created the opportunity to seek opportunity

That however I have got there surely has to be a wonderful thing.

A much wiser fellow than me once told me that often in life the most valuable things come from places you doubt or least expect, if you reach beyond yourself you will find that the world offers a great deal.

I have opened a new door and shut one behind me, today I have the ability to see that.

I am humbled and equally inspired

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan, as you say, medication is not the easy route, sometimes just necessary to help us feel what other people accept as 'normal'....living a roller coaster of mood swings is horrendous. I'm just weaning off anti d's having been on them for over a year (not for the first time). I have made changes in my life, and GA is providing a structure and friendship to keep me moving forward. It is one day at a time, it is learning a new kindness to myself, it is stepping out of my comfort zone. As you say, stepping forward never back....what I have done in the past has not given me peace, it has not given me zest for life....that is what I am searching for now. Enjoy the moment. Helen x

Dear Duncan

Many thanks for your kind words on my diary last week. They mean more to me than you could know.

I appreciate that feeling of being in control of one's destiny - not something an active gambler can boast of or perhaps even consider to be possible and shows how far you have come on your latest journey.

I quite enjoy of the lifestyle sections on the BBC website (probably makes me really sad) and the section on food imparticular. At the same time as your oven died the BBC did a piece on "one-pot wonders" which may serve your over-worked hob quite nicely. I am quite keen in trying the Shakshuka recipe this week. A culinary free-for-all. Something about meat and egg and roasted veg and as much spice as you like does whet the appetite. Worth a look if the hairy-bikers do not put you off food for good! Having said that, as an experienced chef you probably do not need a couple of old-folically-abnormal-brummies to show you how it is done!

Just a thought!

Take care of yourself.

Mark

Evening diary.

Rhoda thanks for the input, as I wrote I am wholly comfortable with the medication prescribed and more than happy to keep seeing the gp in my mum's surgery in Somerset, next week I have another four week review and am hoping for another successful visit, Well worth the two hundred mile round trip.

Markman cooking has been the constant in my life, I love food and food history and I am a keen follower of cookery programmes, my professional career started in London after two years of college I headed to the west end, I spent four years under the charge of some fantastic chefs and London was dominated by the food scene, marco pierre white,the senior roux brothers and nico ladenis my heroes, I learnt the professionalism of my trade and got to work with the finest ingredients the world could offer, today I have a simple principal in my professional and home life with regards to food.

I won't cook and serve anything that I truly don't want to devour myself. It works and every hour at work is a joy because of it.

My home favourites are Elisabeth David,Alistair little and Fergus Henderson, they take the view that less is more and you have to work to get the best out of the ingredients in front of you.

So I worked hard today, labouring again because with honesty it offered the best pay today, back to cooking tomorrow for the next three days.

Then off to Somerset for a few days on Monday with Sarah for a few days off and my next visit to the gps before we come home.

Addiction hates the effort I am putting in to life, it sulks in the corner and I am loving that because the tables are turning.

I know that this effort will need to be maintained for life.

I embrace it, I want and desire it.

Today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

After typing two long posts last night and failing to get past Captcha I gave up! !!! I will do some research into how it keeps freezing the screen rendering my tablet frozen and my words lost to cyberspace! !!

So yesterday I returned to a job for a three day booking the kitchen needs a great deal of love, quite frankly it's shocking and the current team there are running things into the ground, I went in and grafted hard,I made the impression that I desire, today I will return and produce the same level of professionalism in the knowledge that I have set my bar and won't lower it, it gifts a huge sense of wellbeing.

Riding home addiction raced to the front of my mind, yesterday I travelled with the triangle broken, Sarah gave me her bank card yesterday because I wanted to grab a mini statement due to the fact far more money was debited into our account than expected, which is due to a tax rebate on my behalf. The ride home of twelve miles sees me pass a dozen or so bookies and addiction wanted to see some of those extra funds put into it's dirty little hands.

I called my Ma and reestablished the triangle, I waffled on all the way home, addiction returned to the depths of my mind where it sat and sulked,without doubt I delivered a knock out blow.

I know that it was a foolish thing to do as I could have let the actions of others beyond my control dampen my mindset yesterday and rode home feeling deflated and addiction would have gone to town.

I won't be repeating the same mistake twice and fully accept that for me starving my ability to access finance is a method that is fail safe right now. something for life I willingly accept.

The triangle time-money-location works, remove at least one of them at all times and the next punt is impossible.

On Monday I will again call the multi exclusion service and add all the bookmakers on the route I took as to provide another left hook to addiction.

Sarah was out for the evening and came home out for the count, bless her she was asleep before hitting the pillow and I guess may have a rather thick head this morning.

I am happy for her to be in the position to be able to have time to spend with friends and her consumption of alcohol equally isn't something that effects my wellbeing. I have made a choice there and with each passing day I really do feel better for it

So the football season starts today for my beloved portsmouth, our youngest has renewed his season ticket and will today be flying the flag for me, I can hopefully tune in my radio to catch the match and hope we have another great season.

I love this time of the day, it's so peaceful, the hounds invaded the void Sarah had left until she got in and managed to stay there, they are kurplinked together at the bottom of the bed, Sarah is comatosed aside me lol and all I can hear is the first calls of morning song from the birds, other than that the occasional car breaks the silence.

In times past these hours would have my mind racing to scheme another way to rob Peter to pay Paul so I could free up funds to fuel my addiction, today my mind is again at peace with itself, we have a self made plan to repay the debt and it will be followed with a dedicated goal, the money paid extra yesterday will go towards repaying it,to be debt free is my primary goal, it will cause a short term tightening of the belt but I know the value of applying this method.

There is a long term plan, one that will have a profound effect on our lives and our children's to boot.

Life without feeding addiction offers the opportunity to live and forfillment of our dreams and desires.

Life without feeding addiction doesn't bring self created damage mentally and frees my mind up to concentrate on any challenges it faces.

I have a new addiction, that's living, I want to live, I want to achieve the goals I set myself, I want to be able to face my depression without seeking escape and abstinence offers me a chance to do so.

This is the key piece of my own puzzle, it's not financial, money can't buy me a better mindset to work with what I have, my wellbeing will come first.

My rewards for commitment to living know no bounds,I relish the opportunity.

I accept control of my own actions and focus upon making better choices as a result.

Right time to start my day in the most rewarding fashion I know, wake those hounds and wander above the city I live in, no greater way to fire up my day.

I have made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Just home from a long days hard graft, back in tomorrow morning first thing but a sensible finish time then a good night's kip and off to Somerset with Sarah for a few days r and r.

The investment is worth it, I am finding comfort in my ability and it's great to gift myself time off without the guilty feeling that a full time job gave me.

The owner of the place I am at asked today if I want a full time job, my reply a simple thanks but no thanks.

I am in a good place and I won't disrupt it because I am truthfully in control and that is having a profound effect on my mental wellbeing.

Good result for my beloved portsmouth today, long may that continue! !!

The only downside today I couldn't tune in to the commentary as there wasn't a radio on site,I have suffered some terrible music instead lol.

Still on a plus it drowned out one of the brigade who has somewhat of a potty mouth!

Every cloud has a silver lining they say.

Today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Up up and away!!
I have traded an extra half an hour in bed to wander with my beloved hounds they are such an important part of my life and there reward is my making every effort to repay the joys they give unconditionally.
Mind you I know that once we are back after our stroll they will find their way back to bed!!!
A hard days graft for me,one I will do wearing a big smile.
Only possible because I made a decision.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.