Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Two things struck me today whilst I ground my way through the day,one that turned out to be a pretty damp squib, the promised haunds failed to turn out,but a productive day never the less.
Anyhow a day when I let my mind reflect.
Why do folk find it necessary to judge others to better their own belief in themselves?? Often answering a question posed to themselves by giving a fact about someone else's shortcomings.
I find it infuriating.
Secondly I worked with a fella today who began more sentences with 'i bet' something throughout my gambling life I myself was guilty of doing, this led me to thinking that the more I did it the more I lost, because I became used to living that way, I actually willed myself to lose because then I had something to either blame,bemoan and chastise. I relished digging myself out of the hole self created.this is a terrible existence,it's for the the life of ever decreasing circles.opportunity never arose, I just ran around chasing my own tail.
I no longer utter those words,my outlook is brighter for it.
My mindset is better,I don't wish to judge,I don't wish to throw stones either.
I believe that it would be a futile,fruitless act.
Today I would rather harvest the bounty I have in my reach.
It is self created and tastes sweeter every day.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Another productive day, our shiny new cooker got delivered and tonight I christened it with some beautiful lamb loin chops for all of us which went down a treat.this morning I had a meeting with the owners of the village pub I've been working at and the kitchen brigade in which I got to voice my views on how the operation could be vastly improved and have taken on the opportunity to do so,from it I would like in the future to leave them in a much better position, something I am wholly confident I will achieve. I don't desire to take a full time post there, I am not ready to make that commitment, I am enjoying the freedom that freelancing gives and the huge difference in pressure I don't have in doing so.
I have a couple of days away from the stoves now, I will every minute of it. Tomorrow I have promised myself a jacket potato tomorrow, the ultimate oven test!!!
Today addiction has again sat sulking in the doldrums of my mind, I am fully aware that it will be silently plotting it's next move.
I will be ready to face its call.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

New cooker sounds like a little miracle for you! ☺...nice one and I'm sure you will keep up with creative mind to fulfill the skills you have in cooking!

I bit the bullet and bought a power jet wash! Yay man!!!! Can't wait to "polish" the patio tiles...gotta finish the job i started few weeks ago when my lovely neighbour offered the awesome machine after seing me getting weeds off the crack's between tiles with a screwdriver..haha...not kidding (shameful face)

I guess moral in all of this is...we can spend money on things what brings us joy & fulfilment instead of wasting money on gambling....

Keep on keeping on and you know where i am if you need extra support.

Look after you and yours..just for today - reap the benefits of g free life.

B&S xx

Evening diary.
Thanks for popping by Sandra,it's profoundly true that we do have a choice once we accept recovery what to spend our money on.
I have pondered posting a response to something that I believe was written with good intent but drove an instant emotional feeling within my mind.
In a post titled ten things to do one stated
'be wary of people who don't drink they will take great pleasure in reminding you of the things you did that you won't remember yourself'
Why did this touch a nerve? Jolt a sense of anger?
Well those of you that have read my diary will know alcohol is something I have made the choice to abstain from consuming.
Why?? Because firstly my prescription medication for my depression led me to making that decision, but in truth without gambling alcohol becomes a replacement form of escape,I without doubt consumed considerably more alcohol in periods of abstinence and the act for me personally inhibits me focusing on what is truly important and contributes to my emotional state. When I consume alcohol it's easy to forget myself,lose my inhabitions and make judgements I would not without the consumption.
When consuming alcohol am I firstly swapping one addiction with another? Am I seeking escape from my inner mind and thoughts?
Can I just have a couple of harmless pints??
The answer to that is yes in the first instance I can,but rapidly alcohol becomes my go to.
So I have not had a drink for a good couple of months.
Do I have a problem with other folk drinking?
Truthfully I did the one night Sarah had a friend round unplanned and they consumed a vast amount of alcohol and it effected my emotional state,but truthfully it was something I took a valued lesson from.
There's beer in the fridge,wine in the rack and the spirit cupboard is well stocked,Sarah drinks often,as do our kids, I accept that it doesn't effect my own life and the reason I have chosen to abstain is my own.
We have been out for dinner, we have entertained and I enjoy the occasions regardless.
I have found a wealth of beverages I enjoy and I certainly feel I haven't lost my sense of humour and to boot my zest for life has grown.
If you asked me am I a better person from this life choice I have made
Profoundly I have.
Like gambling I accept the presence of alcohol as an accepted enjoyable past time for many.
I am not preaching that either is the common enemy,they simply can't have an active role in my own life.
Why write it??
I don't know
I pondered this reply
Maybe if you consume alcohol to the degree that you cannot remember the actions you took maybe you should have put more lemonade in it!!!!
I know if I could have told myself that twenty five years ago I would not have had the criminal record I do.
But that's another story.
I refuse to judge anyone but myself,because that I believe is what I am worthy of.
And today I am satisfied by my own actions,I am wholly accountable for them.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
Just home from a very long hard days graft,back tomorrow to repeat the same and again Sunday.
I am mentally strong, physically I will manage.
The two run in tandom.
I listened today to many conversations were folk judged others,for their fashion,their mannerisms and I pondered why??
I concluded that it's an easy way to make yourself feel superior.
Me I refused to be drawn in,what right do I bare??
In my opinion I don't like to throw stones.
I like the glass house I live in,I am working hard to enjoy the picture I am being gifted for my efforts.
What other folk do and say bares no great consequence.
I am able to enjoy the wonders of my own mind and that is surely progression.
I will accept the actions of others for what they mean to me,nothing more nothing less.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Up with the larks this morning, got to spend an hour with my beloved hounds,watching them tare around after one another is pure priceless joy. I had a coffee with Sarah and am on route to work,grabbed a train to save my legs for the twelve hours I face ahead at the stove.
Another pure joy.
The sun is shining the weather is sweet makes you wanna move your dancin feet!!!!
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Congratulations on the new cooker, glad to hear it has been well christened.

You are right about not worrying about what others think. Many are so judgemental for their own insecure reasons. I have also found that I am so sensitive after a period of abstaining. I have told so many lies that I now crave only the truth, so many horrible events have happened that now most events seem trivial.

Others around me have sometimes found that hard to accept, the change is often too great, they are living their lives as they have continued to do and think I am behaving a little self righteously.

Anyway not here to preach, only to offer support, stay strong, abstain and maintain as you have rightly advised for many moons. Keep posting, keep gamble free, don't work too hard!

Duncs,

Thank you as ever for your uplifting words last week. Together with Kelly's support I think that was the difference between burying my head in the sand, as you put it, and running from the Forum. I am grateful to have had the strenght to just get on with recovery.

I was so sorry to hear about Joe being so unwell and so hope that he fully recovers as quickly as possible. I know this does not get any easier. As with my big one, he will always be your "little man." With doting parents such as yourselves I am sure he has all the support he needs.

Quite envious of your new oven. I hope you enjoy! We have just had a spate of things blowing up - our own oven, kettle, car exhaust and bathroom heater! The elecrician says it just a coincidence and nothing to do with circuitry - however we are all closing our eyes and whincing everytime we flick on a switch at the moment!

Take care!

Mark

Morning diary
Just had another review with the gp I have been seeing in Somerset, another productive worth will 200 mile round trip to do so. I discussed my medication and the advice is I may take them for life, they work and I am happy to continue following the advice given. I have obtained a copy of my recent records and will transfer to our gp in Portsmouth next month.
I have had a couple of days down time, truthfully I exhausted myself over the past couple of weeks and have put it right both physically and mentally. The joys and benefits of freelance work, I am my own boss, I accept that I have foremost a duty of care to myself.
Something that has taken 42 years to believe is worthy.
I am back to work tomorrow and will again give my all.
Because I can and will.
A life without half measures. A joy to behold.
Back home this afternoon, hopefully an early night in the offing;)
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Duncan. I have enjoyed reading your diary and am overwhelmed by your positivity, steadfastness and survival techniques.

You really have taken control of your life with an appreciation for good physical and mental health.

I like the idea that you've kept addiction at bay using positive self talk, knowledge and passion for life.

Certainly your last terrible gambling episode and indulgence with excess alcohol serves as a prominent reminder. You're working hard to pay off debts, reaping the benefits for now and in the future.
I also need to think about reducing or abstinence from alcohol, having finished my course of antidepressants.

Stay happy, healthy, prosperous and content.:)

Evening /morning diary lol!!
Changemylife thanks for your very kind words,yes I do find the positives in my life and they do drive my ability to create constant opportunity to make better decisions.
Today /yesterday was hard,I walked into work thinking I would have a comfortable enjoyable day and one thing after another was left in a state,I got through it and rebuilt supplies to better the operation for the weekend.
Long day and tomorrow and the next will be longer.
I will be rewarded financially well for my efforts and take great pride from what I achieve.
I am making a difference and am enjoying it.
The money will help to service my debts and pave the way to the future I desire and my beloved family deserve.
Rome they say wasn't built in a day, I appreciate the sentiment in that.
I am a working process.
I will achieve what I set out to
Why??
Because I am worthy.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
It wasn't too many hours ago I wrote from my bed, back on the train to work, a few pounds fare to ensure that I have the right energy to see me through today. I have put my mindset into work mode, I got to enjoy the hounds earlier and did some maintenance on my bike, if I know one thing I need to maintain the ability to do the things I plan to,regardless of what time of the day I do them.
The tumble dryer wasn't heating up yesterday so I have this morning had it apart after consulting google and reset the thermostat,another tick.
Positive breeds positive for me.
Addiction hates this mindset.
I love it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Well an eventful few days,the executive chef left last Tuesday and the head chef was fired Saturday at the place I have been covering for the past five weekends, I have by default assumed both roles, I have said I will cover them short term but I know full time its just too much of an undertaking, I am willing to put in the eighty or more hours a week for a few weeks to enable the owners to find new chefs to take charge but I know its just not the right time,there are too many variables and yes financially the money on offer is outstanding but the sacrifice would be too great.
Today I have ripped the kitchen apart, cleaned things back to new,I will leave my imprint but I know my limits.
I have put everything on hold,Sarah is her usual supportive self, the money will furnish over the next weeks half our outstanding debt,something that inspires me to get on with it.
My body will take it's toll on things,my back still causing pain,but I will manage it.
I can achieve what I need to,I will take great pleasure in handing over the reigns to the incoming staff and put them in the best position to be successful in the future.
I will equally still find moments to share with Sarah,the kids and my beloved hounds.
Addiction stands by hoping to capitalise on moments of tiredness,it won't get through the barriers.
I am ready to face its call.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Beds calling I won't make the pillow before I am asleep!!!

Take it easy Duncs & how about giving them a time frame...There'll be no rush to replace you otherwise & short term can be a ball of string! Don't be too quick to forget the issues a bad back can bring about!

We know you can do it but punishment is not part of recovery & willing party or not to this, Sarah needs her piece of you.

Morning diary.
Odaat I hear you, we were up at three this morning Sarah and I sharing a cup of tea and had an hour of us time, perfect except the hounds stole most of the bed lol. I have given myself a month counting down from yesterday, no longer, I will happily go back to covering the weekends where possible but your right money is worthless without a life to go with it.
So on the train on my way back to continue where I left off yesterday, had a half hour with my beloved hounds before leaving and meatballs will await me tonight on my return.
And to boot the sun beams this morning.
Inside and out!!!
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.