Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Had another enjoyable day working yesterday,I really do enjoy the production of the Sunday roast, it brings great pleasure to product something that yesterday brought good feedback to a full dining room.
Had a good evening off, we had a Chinese and got to enjoy it as a family, all laid out down the middle of the table so we could share.
Our eldest is house sitting for a friend and came home for dinner, on leaving he said I had made his day because I seem truly happy and contented.
I replied that I am and in life I just want to be the best person I can be.
I am a working progress.
So no work for four days, no need to fret about the welfare of a singular establishment, I truly did leave it at the door at the close of my shift.
The change I created through my choice to work freelance is having a profoundly positive effect on my wellbeing.
So off to Somerset this morning, Sarah,myself and the hounds, the reward of my efforts this past week.
I didn't pack last night and am glad because it's raining again!!!!!
That won't dampen my mood, lol I am going to get into tourist mode and just pack shorts!!
Shame I don't own a vest, Sarah would love that lol.
I have a choice, I am all in!!
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So we are having a few days r and r in Somerset, my mum is on jury service for two weeks and was the twelfth person called of twelve on an case which is predicted to last at least eight days, obviously she is not allowed to discuss the case but I can tell it must be harrowing because after two days she looks mentally exhausted. I can say that I hope that I am never summoned on that basis.

I have been sleeping when my body wants to and not doing a great deal in-between, I know the value of such actions are profoundly good for my wellbeing both physically and more importantly mentally. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the gp I have seen since the events that led me to the seeking to take my own life. He has been a great source of information and the medication prescribed has had an impact that is positive. I certainly feel in control of my emotions and on a constant level, but unlike previous medication prescribed I don't have the feeling that I have been inhibited in any way, there's no narcotic cloud of fog that motivated lethargic feelings which led to a feeling of further worthlessness. I understand that medication doesnt have a one size fits all answer but I feel that this GP has a well researched knowledge of mental health. I also accept that the changes that I have sort to make and will continue to make are equally as important if not more so, I will relentlessly pursue the ability to do so and from that forge ahead with the mindset that I will be the best person that I can be.

Depression is a factor that I know will impact my life, it's not something that I have control over when it comes, but I do believe that having the best set of personal circumstances will afford me the ability to deal with episodes in a better fashion, that will begin with accepting the help around me and not trying to hide away my emotional state through the feeling born out of shame.

I am not ashamed to admit that I suffer from depression today, I refuse to carry the stigma attached often to it, countless times in my life I have been told either 'to get a grip' or 'what have you got to be depressed about!!'

I know that those two statements are often well intentioned but equally today I know that the outcome was all to often an avenue for me to run and hide.

Addiction always relished those occasions it rode into town offering great rewards and ultimately escape.

The factual truth is addiction just masked the biggest issue,it prevented me from facing things I to live a better life I have to face.

For the opportunity I have been given I will be eternally grateful.

Today I believe I have a better understanding of myself, I believe from that I have bred an ever growing desire to live.

That's a far cry from the position I let my life become.

Home tomorrow afternoon to ready for eleven straight days work, half cooking half labouring a very differing two jobs but both reward and funnily work together in what they provide, ultimately money but a greater mental well-being.

That for me is priceless.

I live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Morning diary.
My visit to the gp resulted in me being prescribed another months worth of medication and we had a good talk about the changes I have sought to create in my life that along with the medication are having a profoundly positive effect on my wellbeing. I feel that the medication have without doubt given me a steady platform to create positive change.
It's 50 days since I gambled,an act which I willingly choose because I knew the outcome would create a mindset of no return, I used gambling that day to fully self destruct. I understand the power of that selfish act,I understand and accept that through the outcome of my being presented through a single circumstance that day the opportunity to live and my accepting it that addiction to gambling will exist in my mind and will again present itself as my go to in times of mental imbalances and emotional hardship. I know how patient addiction is, I have relapsed on two occasions since I found recovery as a viable life choice and the period between each relapse grew each time.
Why I abstained for long periods and returned to gambling with such ease is separately identifable for very different reasons on those two occasions.
The first a proposed solution to a temporary financial shortfall by addiction,one I lept at with ease
Why?
Because I had just arrested the next punt and not addressed fully why I fed addiction so willingly.
The second relapse an act of self destruct
Why?
Because I let myself believe it was easier than facing the truth.because I believed that facing the truth would result in the outcome of total loss.
On both occasions the outcome was mentally destructive not just to myself but the folk I hold dearest to me.
Both occasions came through the self belief that I couldn't live with the shame I held,that I was being dishonest with myself and pretending that everything was fine to the outside world.
Through these relapses I have learnt a great deal about myself but equally know that addiction loves to hear those words because it believes that justifies relapse.
I accept that to gamble in any form for me is totally unacceptable and will never fix any problem no matter how big or small that may be.
The truth is the next punt will always be one reaction to any given event or excuse away, that punt will offer itself in any given circumstances.
Addiction hasn't in its mind finished with me yet, today it sees me earning,grafting hard and I know it wants a slice of that pie.
I starve it, I live with the triangle of time-money-location fully broken at all times because I know the power that act creates.
Addiction taunts me, preaches that I am a failure because I don't carry a wallet full of my hard earned to flaunt to the world,it belittles my inability to do so.
But the truth is I am terrible with money, I waste it if I have it to hand,I purchase things I don't really need leaving a void for the things I truly do.
This time round what's different??
It's multi layered there are many factors to consider.
I am excited by the process and willingly accept change and am proud of the achievements I have made because they truly inspire me to be the best person I can be.
That comes from the education recovery offers.
I am all in.
I have the opportunity.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs.

Dear diary.
Home from a long productive days graft, back in six hours to forfill my week, seven days booked in next week so work will dominate things, bills and debt will be facilitated. Something that is a joy to be able to gift myself, to dig myself out of the hole I created. The difference today is it has purpose, it inspires me to give my absolute best. I am worthy, I am able,I am going to succeed because I have the ability to do so.
Today I understand the value of such belief and I will continue on this path of my own creation.
Early start tomorrow, well today now I guess will gift an early finish. An evening of relaxation with the company of my family.
That is inspiration in itself.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Another hard days graft,funny how I am twice the age of the brigade in the kitchen I have been working in and none of them have any get up and go,they just go through the motions of doing the bare minimum. I can't work with that ethic I busy myself, I love finishing work exhausted, I am spent physically and proud to say that. But and it's a huge shift in my mental wellbeing I won't judge them, I won't let them get inside my head,I will consider just the outcome of my own actions,because the bottom line is that's all I have to measure,that's the only thing work wise I have to control. That gifts a wonderful sense of wellbeing.
Tomorrow I am back labouring for four days then another three days cooking and I will take a few days off to rest and relax and enjoy the fruits of my efforts.
Addiction detests my mindset it lingers ever hopeful that my mood will darken and it will get the opportunity to chance it's arm.
I will remain vigilant,I know as I progress through the next seven days tiredness will creep up and I will ensure that I eat and sleep well. The triangle will remain broken,my Will to be the best person I can will grow as a result.
Today I made the right decision for me,the effect is profound.
I get picked up and dropped off at the door for the next four days,I have cycled 75 miles over the past three so my legs will enjoy the rest!!!
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

I wonder Dunc's if you secretly in training for the next " Tour de France " , I just hope there's a comfortable seat upon those two wheels :)0)) .

I get where your coming from with the lack of oomph ! in some of the younger generation and that feeling of having given your all at the end of the evening shift , I'm on my feet for some 12 / 14 hrs a day and look accross at some of the staff who have only worked a couple of hours and are flagging in the heat !.

It's nice to know we may not have youth on our side but there's nothing wrong with our stamina :))

It's good to read your positive post's again Dunc's :))

It's absolutely mental isn't it? I don't want to say "the youth of today" coz that makes me old but seriously when did it become the norm to come to work & do as little a possible? I went home yesterday after a full on, sit down, tap tap tap (that's my super fast typing), "morning, Kelly speaking, how can I help you?", "yes sir, no sir, 3 bags full sir" & half way home remembered something that was pretty useful to another department. So being the diligent citizen that I am, I pulled over into a layby, phoned in to ask my colleague to make a 20 second call & was forced to endure a completely unnecessary (I don't 'lose' these things) 'discussion' about why I didn't give a toss whether it was in our remit or not (angry snorting face emoji)! It was a bloody call...I hadn't asked him to rustle up a cod & chips or do any actual grafting ffs.

I reckon all mobile phones & personal devices that babies come out of the womb already able to work these days should be banned from offices...Boredom is a great motivator methinks. Then again, people would only be able to put in 3 second shifts as I imagine being separated from such wonders would render them unable to work for much longer!

I guess they just don't make 'em like they used to!

Good to hear you finding a balance Duncs 🙂

Evening diary.
So a days labouring down, lol now that's real graft, I must have lifted and shifted a good few ton in weight today, still gives the upper body a work out and I am better for it. The plus being it's early starts and early finishes so I got to make supper, we got some fantastic Toulouse sausages and I made cassolet with some parmesan mash, delicious and satisfying.
I had some good thinking time today whilst lugging the stuff about and I reconciled with my brain that all the time I gambled I had an answer for everything and if someone dared to question me I would throw the bath water out and the baby with it!!
Life evolved around me and it had to be about me and my needs and if it didn't go that way I would be indignant and deeply vengeful, this of course played right into addictions hands telling me that no matter how great the losses I had to go back for more.
Yes more of the same.
I wouldn't apologise,because I was never wrong!!
I believe I went to the other extreme when I found recovery I couldn't stop apologising, I would take the blame willingly.
Today I can accept my wrong doings and make amends and in equal measure I can stand up for what I believe in.
I don't wish to be the centre of attention, neither do I want wish to hide.
It's about balance,living without comfort or discomfort.
I can maintain this mindset by considering my actions and what outcome will result from them.
I learnt a long time ago two things.
People shouldn't throw stones if they live in glass houses
And
In life you will learn some of your greatest lessons where you hear what your mind doesn't want to and from the least likely sources.
From those I believe humility is born.
I worked with the fella today who's glass is half empty where mine I believe is half full.
So without judging one another surely we result in having a full glass!!
I will toast to that.
Cheers!!!
I accept the things I cannot change and find courage to change what I can.
My life is better for it.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
So the labouring is done for the week and onto what I love,back to cooking,although today returning to the same booking for a fourth week I feel a little cautious, yesterday the executive chef phoned and tried to enlist my help to throw one of his brigade under the bus so to speak, something I feel deeply uncomfortable with because firstly it's not my place to do so and more importantly the fella is just looking after himself.
I detest this attitude and will be cautious in what I say today, the bottom line is I will happily detach myself from the situation if I feel the actions being taken are u just.
I registered with another agency a while back and yesterday they offered me a stack of temporary work so I feel comfortable that I am not boxed into a corner.
The outcome is a better mental health for myself and that is my number one priority. I have enjoyed the company of my beautiful wife for the past four nights,we have talked,watched films and just enjoyed one another's company,a truly great reward and I am delighted that choosing the lesser paid labouring offered the opportunity,something with a far greater reward than any hourly rate.
I have noticed a few changes in myself with regards to the medication I am taking,I have lost my appetite for chocolate!! I used to consume a fair bit, but can't say the last time I ate any, it doesn't seem to hold the same appeal.
Secondly I have stopped dreaming,my head hits the pillow and I just sleep,no vivid dreams,no waking up tired and fretful, I just appear to deeply sleep. From it each morning I feel truly refreshed.
So three days cooking now then I will enjoy a whole day with Sarah.
Inspiration itself.
Addiction detests and protests.
#f#%k it!!
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncan,

We have all overslept so I had a few minutes to glance at the forum.

Hearing from you always puts a smile on my face.

We hit the road in an hour and in 9 or so hours we will shielding our chips from the gulls once again!

I can hardly wait.

St Ives has developed a bit and unfortunately there is a well known bookmaker but for once I can say hand on heart I am not interested. This week belongs to my family (with the exception of this evening which with my wife's approval is all Middlesex CCC).

Please take care of yourself and that family and look forward to catching up on my chin down return to reality

Best wishes

Mark

Afternoon diary.
I am sat on the forth floor of QA hospital, our baby boy, well he is 18 so to the world he's no baby, he is six foot two and fashions a sleeve tattoo and a five o'clock shadow, but he will always be our baby. He has had tonsillitis for three weeks and yesterday it developed into a quinsy, today he has had it surgically drained by a process that was no joy to watch. He's laid in a bed, a room of his own, hand full of drips and three bags of meds above him.
I understand at times like this how precious life is.
I am so pleased to be able to simply be here and see he gets well.
I will cherish every moment I get to share with those I hold dear.
Today reminds me of a fable.
If you need inspiration google 'A jar of mayonnaise and two beers'
It says it all.
Today addiction dare not enter the fray, it knows what it would get. My left hand!!!!
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
So our son is still under the watchful eye of the hospital, yesterday I worked at a race course prepping for a meeting today, it was a deeply unpleasant,unpassionate experience, one were nobody talked all day except the boss barking angrily. I was told that I needed to make more effort to be a team player, needless to say I won't be returning, today I have more important things that take priority, getting our youngest fit the top of them. I am exhausted this morning, mind doing overtime, body suffering from little sleep, I will do what is right for me and mine.
I have the ability and will to make and meet the changes I can duly make and accept the things I cannot change. Sometimes I feel like a square peg in a round hole.
From that I have learnt it's best to stay square.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc's .

Yesterday must have been a doubly difficult day , not a great working experience and on a Racecourse to boot , athough you were probably far to busy to notice your surroundings. !

Sorry to hear about your Son and I hope he benefits from a speedy recovery , my son although now 22 and also 6ft and built like a " Brick Khazi " will alway's be my little boy :)).

I wish you well my friend and take care of who and what's important .

Morning diary.
Alan thanks for popping by, to be honest it was nothing to do with the venue it was purely the company,lifeless kitchens in my experience produce loveless food,I don't know how places get away with charging the earth and delivering mediocre food at best,I will see it as an experience and one as said I won't repeat.
So our son is home he will take some looking after and will rattle about for a few weeks with all the medication he has been prescribed,but it's good to see him looking brighter.
Work dominates the next three days for me,but one with a polar difference,one were I can i produce food with passion. That makes the day enjoyable and fly by.
Kelly thanks for the email it's great to communicate,I love the old fashioned letter,I guess something replaced by the modern form.
It's great to take time to do so.
Today will be a day of my own making
A mantra to begin and end it
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
So on the train to work after a busy weekend at the stove my body cried out this morning but my mind laughed, today I am getting double bubble for my efforts, I can't work any harder because I give my all every day so I will repeat what I do, a smile as wide as my face knowing todays effort will afford a few days rest and to boot our new cooker gets delivered tomorrow.
Not sure what to christen it with yet??
Answers on a postcard!!!
Right my train nears it destination.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.