Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Paulds always good to hear from you my friend.
So another working week drawn to a close, I knocked off at four after an early start which meant I worked a 39 hour week!! And this cycle will continue for the next couple of weeks when I will hand over the kitchen I am in to the incoming chef and the team he is amassing, I will be happy to hand over the kitchen which is in such a better place all round from the day I walked in.
So I will close another chapter and look forward to a new challenge, I will put myself on the market this week so to speak and am confident that I will be booked up with enough work for December. The bottom line is the catering industry has a huge void currently of chefs and I will have a pick of a few possibilities I am sure. I have been recommended to another fairly local village pub that needs help so I will investigate further this week.
For me when I don't get het up about money it actually looks after itself and me in the process. My long term goal is to be over a month ahead and in doing so releave the self pressure sometimes created to chase money. Addiction hates this mindset I know it loved the times I had my back to the wall,it presented itself as the Solution, in fact it just added to the problem.
Today I have truly changed the outlook I harboured for the greater part of my life, I would never dare to look at a bigger picture, addiction often preventing my ability to do so, gambling narrows every aspect of living, all routes lead to a dead end, like the walls close in with every note fed into a machine.
A new week tomorrow another week further from the final self destructive episode of gambling.
How dare you say that cries addiction!!!!!
I say that because I sincerely mean it my old friend, I refuse to repeat that process,I refuse to feed that part of my being, you can lodge within my mind,I won't even charge you rent!!! I like the fact you will be there close by,were I can keep watch over you,I am one step ahead of your every move,there's nothing you can whisper,shout or holler that will make a difference, because I finally listened to that little man that has lived a lifetime in your shadow.
It's truly time for him to shine,it's the other rational,educated side of my inner self to stand in the sun.
I have paid my dues, I am worthy of having the peaceful,unselfish, undestructed life, one of my little friends choosing.
Because addiction today I am simply worth it.
I am not bitter at how committed I was to you, I can't regret it or begrudge what I gave or received in return,because you gifted me what I have today.
That is a better life for it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Just finished two more days work and a days rest tomorrow, I have to say I was rather disappointed on Monday morning, after leaving on Sunday early the team basically dropped the ball and didn't do anything much in the way of work so Monday I walked into a kitchen that could have and should have been a great deal cleaner,but I didn't complain to anyone just got on with straightening it all back out. Tonight I have left it fully stocked and in doing so I have done my best. The cold truth is once I leave next week I know that the kitchen will never be kept as clean as it should be because nobody else really has an equalling work ethic, but I except that I cannot change the things that are beyond my control and for me as long as I uphold my own work ethic that really is all that matters.
I will move on happy with my contribution and nothing more.
Truthfully I would have lost sleep over things like this all my working life,I would take every act of others as a personal slight against myself and beat myself up about it and usually end up working more hours to in reality no benefit to myself.
No more will I sacrifice my own mental wellbeing to compensate the actions of others, I value myself today,something new to my life and something I understand that actually I have to do.
Recovery or re(DIS)covery outweighs everything, I really do want what it offers because for the changes I know that I am making are choices for many that are just 'normal' but things I have never believed that I am worthy of.
Addiction coupled with depression have twisted my mind one driven to destroy any positive outlook and live a life through a half empty glass.
I believe every day that I look after myself I top my glass up and life really has improved ten fold.
So tomorrow I will enjoy a relaxing day,cook supper and episode two of peaky blinders my reward.
I am truly humbled to have the opportunity to do so.
And my glass may get topped up in the process.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
Today after reading Sandra's post I stopped to think about how precious life is and I can only embrace the life I have been invited to live.
I promised myself I will give it my all.
Humbled.
Duncs stepping forward never back

Evening diary.
After a very productive day off yesterday I went in to work today and did the early shift and tomorrow I am not starting until later so I got to enjoy some quality family time tonight and will enjoy breakfast with Callum tomorrow.
These I know are everyday things but are through abstinence polarized, given greater meaning.
Because I lived by a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
So another week comes to a close tomorrow, I did a late shift yesterday and rode the 15 miles home, then an early start this morning, I got to the train station this morning to find no trains running because it was too cold, so I added another three miles to my journey cycling in and yes it was cold!!! Trains not running in minus one degrees doesn't bode well if the winter is as harsh as many are forecasting, I may need to have a better plan in place to ensure I don't have my life disrupted, lol two pairs of socks will be a good place to start.
So I got an evening with Sarah, Pompey won and tomorrow I get a lay in as I have a late start.
Addiction hates the fact that I have found stability,it's like we have swapped places,it's addiction that's running into a brick wall and me sat at the top dropping bricks on it from time to time to confound it's misery!!
That feels great to write!!!
It's the results of my efforts.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Amazing Duncs!! Such an inspiration ☺

I would add a pair of gloves to your two pairs of socks! (I wear two pairs of socks at work too....& spend 8hrs in ...8+ degrees I guess ...anything is possible!)

Thank you for your support past week. Really mattered a lot my dear friend. You have way too big heart and I am so so glad it's ticking along nicely!

Look after yourself

B&S xx

Evening diary.
So not been about the forum this week, I have had a busy week in the real world, caught up with my friend for a good few hours, it's such a tough time for them, their Mum has been diagnosed terminally ill now and it's so sobering for me, I took so much from our few hours and I believe great therapy for us both. I also joined the gym yes forty three years on this earth and I am going to get my act together and get in good shape and really enjoy doing it. In fact we all joined, Sarah and I decided to pay for our children's subscriptions for the forthcoming year as their Christmas presents I hope they continue to use it and we all enjoy the benefits, it's a totally new complex, within a hotel, the equipment according to Callum is the most up to date and I was sold the minute I saw the steam room and sauna and we will all receive some great additional bonuses which are equally great. I have also squeezed in enough work to pay my way and that's enough.
I also visited my gp, a shame but I felt like I was just a statistic, the gp without any great justification wanted to remove my medication saying I am doing so well, I countered with my argument that the medication is a great part of the jigsaw and eventually it was agreed that I will remain on the medication for the foreseeable future, my opinion is i am glad I am in a strong enough place to have stated my case rationally and the outcome suits me and my needs.
So a busy productive week.
Tomorrow I am working the early and then meeting Sarah at the gym for a workout and then a relax in the wet room.
I have to say it is a great feeling to be in a position to make things possible in my life that have a profoundly positive outlook on my life and those I hold dear.
All the rewards of choosing life.
A life without the destruction of actively feeding addiction.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
So yesterday didn't go to plan, fifteen minutes before the new head chef was due to start he phoned in sick, leaving a hole in the kitchen and nobody to cover the post lunch service and dinner, so I scrapped my plans and filled the hole, I was frustrated with myself for letting my emotions surface and should have just kept my opinion to myself,but I can't be dishonest to myself,I can't see the efforts I put in for ten straight weeks just ripped up, so I put on a show,not verbally but by way of what the customers received and I know it left the owners something to think about, today I have to go and finish off as the chef is still sick. I got up early this morning and went to the gym and worked out physically and mentally for a good hour and enjoyed a steam afterwards. I feel great for it and if I get away early enough tonight I will pop back to use the pool to relax myself.
Today I feel like I can actually see what's in front of me,I don't have to run from whatever it is because I know I have the ability to stand up and face the music, I am not owing to anyone,I really can just be myself and without the self created destruction and lying to my inner self I am actually getting to like myself as a result.
I am worthy, I have a profession I am proud of,I get to wake up next to a beautiful woman every day and our children are a constant source of inspiration.
And to ice the cake I have learnt to give and take unconditionally.
I know addiction sits waiting,desiring opportunity,it invades my thoughts at times,it wants to be fed.
Just for today it can take a hike.
Tomorrow well I will deal with that when the time comes.
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
No bet today
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
Well another week is at the weekend, I have had a busy week broken with the joy of sitting with my tattooist and having another couple of hours work done on my sleeve tattoo,I am so pleased that I have given him a free reign on the design as the results are for me awesome with every line and touch of the needle I break the hold addiction has held over my life, I only need to look at my right arm to see in my mind how dark and deeply destructive addiction has been when present in my life, I love the fact that it's so personal and the help it will bring.
So around that another busy week of work varied in what I did and the outcome has been I have spent two hours a day at the gym, my body and mind equally are being rewarded, I am sticking to the program and really enjoying it, I would have never committed to even the thought of joining a gym actually rewarding myself whilst addiction controlled my mind, plainly it would have just sold the idea that I would be wasting precious money,gambling money!!! And it would have made me think,believe that I wasn't worth looking after.
Living with active addiction is every moment about feeding it,immersing into nothing but the act of feeding addiction and it's relentless desire to be fed, and I gave wholly to it.
As a result I lived to work and worked to feed addiction.
That is the life addiction offers,it still does.
Today I see it for what it is, what it took and what it resulted in me making of my life.
Active addiction took my total commitment and from it I know I have the right to seek a better life,a life free from gambling,a life where I actually work to live,work is a means to have a life,one I will embrace warts and all.
Early shifts for the next two days gifting evenings off to spend with those I hold dear.
That is inspiration enough.
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
No bet today.
No odds offered a worthy of me staking what I stand to lose.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Monday again, 14 days until Christmas day, in previous years this would be a time of stress and self created financial devastation and then the outcome of lying and deceiving the folk I hold dear.
I am not religious nor massively into the commercial hype and I feel that Christmas has been lost somewhere in the middle. My decision to abstain from alcohol makes 'going out' something that fills me with a sense of dread, I have been invited out on two Christmas nights out, invitations from folk i have worked with over the past few months, both of which I have declined, why?? Truthfully I like these folk and don't want my impression of them changed by the influence of them over consuming alcohol because that is what in my mind will no doubt happen, so on those grounds I have politely declined and will arrange to meet them for either breakfast or a coffee over the festive period.
I am looking forward to a few days off with my family, no extravagant presents or over spent guilt.
I earn lemonade money and will live the life befitting to that, funny I thought for many years that I wanted the champagne life and today I know otherwise.
I am content and the contented feeling breeds a very positive and healthy outlook.
Last night I ordered a few bits of gym clothing, lol not conventional gym clothing, that just doesn't sit well, but stuff I will feel comfortable in the gym wearing, I got it all at rock bottom prices because it's last summers stuff so I am delighted and even addiction didn't try to jump all over my mind for spending on myself which is a first and I know the results of my efforts to create change.
I committed to abstaining from gambling before but without making or taking the opportunity for change.
The realisation that I can live with who and what I am has come as a result of that.
Truthfully I am living, something for the first time without feeling unworthy of doing so and it's enlightening.
Off to work later in the meantime I will enjoy an hours catching up with the world, I have been out with my beloved hounds, a short lived stroll as the weather is pretty grim here this morning.
Not even that will dampen my resolve.
I have gotten busy living
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning diary.
Up with the larks this morning, off to work in a short while so I have woken early to take the hounds out and prepare for the day ahead, I have a routine,I make the tribe their sandwiches every day, in my mind a gift, a little tin foil parcel of joy,something that I hope no matter what their day brings will gift them a moment of joy. Before heading to work I will also wander with the hounds,my favourite time of the day,not something that's duty bound but a time were I get rewarded with watching them just enjoy themselves and unconditionally, lol anyone who knows whippets will know that they are mischievous little things,they border upon being quite naughty but in a fashion that I simply adore and they well know that their unconditional affection quickly melts away any anger at their behaviour, round these parts my children inform me that I am referred to as whippet man which raises a huge inner smile,I believe that I know them better than most humans and without doubt I feel better and a great deal more comfortable in their company than I do with humans.
So last night we all but Callum went to the gym, another good workout and then the reward of a sauna and steam. Something it appears only a few folk enjoy,most appear to use the gym and rush off often without using even the shower facilities back to the rat race, I guess to busy to give themselves more time out for themselves.
For me it's the life changer, something that is helping to shape my life into something far greater than ever before, it's like a complete new lifestyle and one of my own choosing, also one that is helping to discipline me,in the regards that my gung-ho attitude is being tamed, I understand that fitness is a long term project and if I have pushed myself too far exercising I suffer greatly the next day, so I am truly learning how my body works,how to enjoy working it and how much better for it I feel both mentally and physically.
For me the justification for giving myself the time to do so is the same as the one that sees me up two hours before the latest I could get up,I am making time.
The bottom line is I always found time to feed my addiction, I willingly sacrificed anything else to do so and the reward was the polar opposite to the reward I get for the choices I make today.
A life without addiction controlling my every action is without doubt a life worth living.
One that rewards my life so many things that the outcome of a punt never could.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan mac your diary is like a book to read. I imagine Irish wolf hounds and long tree lined walks. Thankyou

Morning my old friend.
Merry go round,thanks so much for your kind words,I am so glad that you are present on these pages,a sobering reminder of the fact that gambling addicts cause damage to many innocent folk whilst feeding addiction.
It reminds me how selfish the act of gambling is, I don't know if I am alone in the memory but during countless episodes of gambling in my life I actually got to a point were I willed myself to lose, I would relentlessly feed notes into a machine knowing that the next spin would lose,I wanted it to lose,I wanted to take away the ability to gamble,it was like facing a realisation that nothing would change yet I was compelled to leave nothing in my wallet,It was like a a switch flicked and I just pursued the end.
The walk of shame would follow,head down wanting the earth to swallow me up,willing nobody to see me leave a loser because I kidded life that I was a winner. I must have cast a sad shadow on all those occasions, I not only self harmed but destructed my families outlook, payday would become a race between Sarah and I to see who could get through the money first,her spending the money on feeding our family,furnishing debt and me relentlessly gambling it. The worst of it is I loathed every penny that was spent that wasn't gambled,I didn't even see it as money eventually just gambling tokens and the truth is I knew that what I fed into a machine would never be seen again,in fact wins just got in the way of me losing.
I just desired escape, to stand emerged in a machine for hours created that escapism.
Today it's sobering,today I don't want to escape,I have created a better set of circumstances for myself so I don't have an overbearing desire to run.
Because the truth is I was just running from myself.
A rare Saturday off today, yesterday I worked a very long day and tomorrow will see the same. Today I will enjoy a day with Sarah,housework and an afternoon in the gym, I was up early and got to enjoy time with my hounds,they chased themselves into the ground,they have returned to bed now,sleeping contented curled up together.
Today we are going to plan what small gifts we are to get our children for Christmas and I hope to plan what we will eat for our Christmas dinner all to create good memories.
I will not forget the life I lived for more than twenty years,when addiction comes calling I will lead it to these pages because they are truly sobering.
Today I promise to create further opportunity to choose a continued better path were I feel more comfortable within my own skin.
Just for today I won't wage a single penny.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
On the train back to work after a gruelling day yesterday,the result of the actions of others,I refuse to lower my standards because of the actions of my colleagues,I will just rise above and hold my head high.
I pondered why I held in my mind the correlation between debt and how ridding it would in some way lessen addictions presence within my mind.
Surely it's true that money is simply the fuel that feeds addiction and debt purely a symptom of the active gambler.
So being debt free for me doesn't solve the inner most things in my mind that trouble me,in fact being debt free brings a new angle for addiction to prey upon.
It's the inner most emotions I need to continue to focus upon is it not??
Right time to face the icey ride to work. I would be better with a sleigh lol.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Another great post Duncs,

You are very correct , the gambling demon will prey on us and lull us into a false sense of security. Being debt free is a wonderful aim to have but never let your guard down the addiction is always with us.

Keep on truckin'

Paulds