Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

DMac,

Hey buddy. Just wishing you and your family a fabulous Christmas. Approaching this time of year without the fear, desperation and anxiety that the burden of active gambling presents is a genuine pleasure - it opens our minds and eyes to the good stuff - enjoying being able to relax and concentrate on the people we care about. Take care.

Tomso.

Morning diary
Tomso fella thanks for popping by, every word you write is profoundly true.
So three days graft left for me and I will get a few days to cook some of the food I love for the people who mean a great deal to me.
This year has been one which tested our family to it's outer boundaries and from it we have learnt a great deal. I have gone from living in the shadows,a feeling that truthfully made me feel like I was already dead to someone who is no longer scared of themselves.
Every day I am inspired,grateful and truly humbled.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear diary.
My old friend this is my fifth Christmas writing my thoughts in the space you provide.
Christmas has always been very stressful in our house,Sarah panics from mid October about the whole event and I normally work myself into the ground and Christmas day has always been a bit of a blur.
This year its wholly different, I woke up this morning and watched Sarah peacefully sleeping for a minute, a very contented look upon her face and she is for me always at her most beautiful,no makeup and it takes my breath away.
I have worked a thirteen hour day and once home I have sorted our food for Christmas dinner and our massively over stocked fridge and in doing so gifted myself a vast amount of free time to enjoy the love of my family and return that love unconditionally.
This has been one heck of year, one of which with honesty for only one circumstance still sees me here. But I do believe dear diary that I haven't wasted the opportunity I have been given, I have embraced and sought change,I mean wholesale change,not just for myself but as a family and the results are profound. Today I will enjoy myself, I believe that I have earned the right to. I finally feel able to do so without guilt or other factors stopping me from doing so and it gives an overwhelming sense of contentment. We are going to the gym this morning,it's a welcome reward and for me a life changing thing we have done in joining. I continue with the workout our Callum set for me and a few weeks into it now I can feel the benefits of my efforts continue to bring and today afterwards we will again enjoy the facilities in the wet room before returning home for a family breakfast and the sharing of gifts.
The gift I was given is the ability to tell Sarah unconditionally every day upon waking that I truly love her and it's returned with the same three words that warm my heart and inspire me to get busy living.
I accept addiction will be there,it's part of my makeup, just for today it's not the biggest contending factor, today I welcome it to join me and see how life is without living under it's rule gifts. That I know will break it further.
Happy Christmas to you dear friend and equally to all the great folk here who have been my lights guide.
Please never give up on giving up,you are worth it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Well my dear friend I have had a new kind of Christmas,yesterday I cooked a truly decadent meal, doing justice to some exceptional ingredients and sharing those spoils with the folk closest to my heart. Sarah and I got up early,I ran the hounds,then we headed off to the gym, a lovely couple of hours spent doing something I truly never would have believed I would. We had a leisurely breakfast with our children and opened our presents, nothing extravagant but stuff bought from the heart, so a lovely memorable day and we were all in bed by ten,this morning I went to work,earning good money for half a day of my expertise, Sarah and lily went off to the sales spending money on bargains, something that for the past twenty six years hasn't happened, and if money was spent it was money that should have been spent elsewhere, leaving holes in the already tattered financial situation of my own creation.
This is our first Christmas in twenty six together were Sarah hasn't been stressed and agitated and upset, there's been no eggshells to walk upon, just a house full of love and what I deem true happiness and contentment. It takes my breath away and deeply humbles me to find myself in this position, I believe that its the results of our deep rooted love for one another, something that I was always frightened to use against addiction because I believed as a result addiction would take it away. Today I understand the power of both and see that for me love did actually win the war, it lost many battles,it got beat up pretty badly along the way,there are many scars and I know how close I came to losing everything and will never forget what I have come through but I know that I will never go back to that place, I have left that part of my inner self on the battlefield. As a result I feel today as a family we live behind enemy lines, we are in the safest place by being there, we can control the enemy,stare into it's eyes and counter it's desire to let all hell break loose.
I am aware that my brain will possibly face other battles in the near future,depression has often followed times of high spirits and I know what to do when it fills my mind, I have a support network,I have the will to face whatever is in front of me.
For the first time in twenty six years I am 'sober' of taking any of the multiple roots of escape from my own mind that I have sought.
I have found inspiration as a result,I will continue to peel the layers as a result, I will continue to build my own jigsaw puzzle of life as a result.
I promised myself back in June this year I would no longer do anything that I don't wish to,as a result I have gained a freedom of sorts and the ability to see the wood amongst the trees.
Dear diary I am truly thankful for your presence in my life, because I understand the value in my writing to you.
Recovery is a gift, I truly believe that,it's ever giving and it is worthy of total commitment.
Me I am all in!!!
Two days off now.
Two days to spend with the person I desire in every way,shape and form.
Sarah I love you unconditionally with my entire heart.
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.

вќ¤вќ¤вќ¤

Inspiring read as always. Especially resonate with no longer doing anything you don't wish.

Evening diary.

So the year is drawing to a close, it's been a year that I will never forget, I could get all down hearted and write about how utterly devastating it was to my mental health and physical wellbeing but I will hold those thoughts because I know that they will help me in times when depression invades my thinking and I will know that I can surpass whatever state of mind I find myself in. I will never feel the way I did again because I will never isolate myself in the way I did again, I really did believe that the only solution for me was to commit suicide, I had secretly hidden harboured that belief that suicide was my calling for many years and when I allowed the suicidal feelings to rule my thinking I felt a strange sense of comfort. I have never socially fitted in with the crowd, I have found myself wanting to run and hide, or I have acted up, a life of extremes. Equally I have lived an all or nothing approach to almost everything in my life, never taking half measures and in doing so I have left too many things unfinished, I have started gone gung ho and got bored or frustrated at no instant outcome and then just dropped everything and moved on. All of these events have left a heightened sense of no self worth and alienated me further from many things that folk would deem everyday life.

I walked to the brink, my actions led me to believe that nothing mattered because in my mind in so many ways I was already dead.

So why is today different? ?

Truthfully I asked, genuinely asked for help, I admitted that I was broken and couldn't see any way of fixing myself.

I have so many wonderful folk to thank.

Firstly my wife,Sarah my best friend and soul mate, joe, lily and callum our children, my mum and her husband ed, my friend packed lunch, my gp, the crisis team in Somerset, the police officers who picked me up the day I set off to commit suicide, the fellas at portsmouth ga and some outstanding folk from this amazing forum.

Kelly,sandra,Joan,markman,Paul,hannah and many more good folk who supported me unconditionally, never judging just offering genuine support and some great advice.

Today I accept that I am different from the many folk I meet, I am today comfortable within my own skin, I made a choice that for the rest of my life I will only do what is acceptable to me and as a result I am everyday inspired to give my all to the things that mean most to me.

I am rewarded greatly and as a result am deeply humbled.

So I will give a silent nod to the year gone by and welcome a new one for what it is, another chapter, time to turn another page dear diary. you will have been a constant friend of mine for six years next month, we have learnt a great deal and I will continue to use you to empty the ramblings of my mind, I know when I neglect writing I give to addiction.

Something I have learnt the hard way.

One more days graft for me on Sunday, then as a family we are going to mum and Ed's for a few days r and r.

A line that is a true joy to write.

My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Hi ya Duncs,

Just popped by to wish you and your lovely Sarah (and family) a very Happy New Year. I will be sitting in front of the tv with Patrice on New Years Eve watching the ball drop in NYC. At midnight I will raise my bubbling glass of ginger ale and drink to you my dear friend. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Keep being you! xxx Joan

Wonderful progress Duncs. Determined attitude, hopeful and resilient. We are all with you 100%.

A great example of overcoming adversity by responding to big challenges. Your story is very inspiring and a pleasure to read. I like many others respect your honesty and courage.

Take care. Wishing you peace, contentment and good times.

Hi just wanted to say such a heartfelt and inspiring read, happy new year to you and your family x

Dear diary.
Well I worked hard this morning, in truth against the tide of the lack of effort put in by too many others.
I threw my toys out of the pram,spat my dummy out and let the offenders share my thoughts because I know that I am better for it and in truth I detest folk who willingly waste other peoples money and all too happily throw others under a bus to save themselves.
The result is I have finished work for four days and through my actions I can leave work at work and enjoy some r and r.
I truly have a better understanding of myself today and I refuse to let the actions of others undo what I have found within.
I intend to honour the promise i made myself, because I believe in myself.
Life is for living and I intend to get busy doing so.
I stood in the face of death this year truly I did, from it I got gifted a life.
My last bet is to throw all I have at what is on offer.
I am all in.
To all the other amazing folk here I haven't posted on your threads tonight I hold you all in the same regard.
It's an honour to walk by all your sides.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
The gift tonight is time alone with Sarah and our beloved hounds.

So glad you have had a lovely festive season, your diary is thought provoking and heart wrenching reading, but solid proof that you have returned from the depths of despair with a self belief and appreciation for the world. Your words are priceless to everyone here, including myself. Happy New Year, all the best S:)

Duncan

Happy new year.

Thank you for your kind words on my diary. Like you i feel humbled and blessed.

3 of my children were here for NYE and one was out on the town. At 21 I would have been the same !!!

I send you and yours my families best wishes for 2018.

Bal

Happy New Year Duncan.

Sorry to read about your difficult year. I intended to post before but have felt it difficut to get involved on the forum again.

I truly wish you well for 2018

Mm

Duncan,

I am truly humbled for your kind words. I am ever so pleased that you are able to start a new year with a fresh slate. I can only imagine how difficult last year's events must have been for you, but cannot help but think that they happened for a reason and hopefully the new year will gift you renewed vigour. I wish you and your family every happiness in the new year and beyond!

Best wishes,

Markman