Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Dear diary
You know what I wrote and CAPTCHA stole it from the pages

I am and will always be a mechanical man in a digital world.

Abstain and maintain
Duncs gamble free stepping forward never back.

Hai Duncs,

Bugg.er about captcha, has also had me in the past and I’m sure a few others

Anyway back to your post 4419, I have a humble I’m gonna share, purely because, I, like you need to be careful when getting wound up by work situations, situations not in our controls.

My present contract has about 10 weeks to go, which I guess would equate to about 7 months. In truth, nothing has really stimulated about this job and I just aimed to take the money. There’s no balance on this job and my boss, is a nice chap but far from strong, so I realised from early days that he won’t really have my back and let people take the P*****s and not really let me have any input in my beliefs how things should be. This did wind me up and went into my want to control things nature but with the know how and that was just to take the money and not really care !! Now, I understand I was wrong. I stopped working to my values and that was just to give my best day by day but not let things that I have no control over and can see them being wrong. Yes, they pi....ss me off. But I don’t get paid to be pi.ssed of with work, just like you . I do forget this quite often though, but it’s slowly something I’m learning ...

Anyway now at Victoria groundhog day

Morning diary
Paul it's great to have you back posting fella, funny I don't find your posts cryptic, maybe we as addicts just live in the same book but on a completely different page to everyone else.
I have the want today to refuse to do things that are unacceptable to my own wellbeing, the truth is for all my adult life I have been a 'yes' man,even when I knew full well that there would be a personal detrimental effect on my mental health I would forge ahead in some warped belief that the sun would shine on me for my efforts in some way.
Today I believe I know the difference, I won't be used for another's gain or use others for my own gain.
I played a game,I was played myself and like everyone I have ever met I don't like to feel uncomfortable or the one left on the wrong side of the fence so to speak.
I am equally in a very fortunate position were I have through my efforts a couple of strings to my bow with regards to work, from that after this weekend I will go to the place that will have a greater outcome for me.
This is because without creating change for myself I know that the road leads back to one place.
To self loath,have no self respect and open the door to addiction and depression that I will heighten in it's ability to disable my ability to live the life I know I can create through change.
I know equally that this comes through treating other folk in the fashion I want to be treated myself, life will never be all about me, and by choosing the company I keep again creates change.
I walked in the same shoes for twenty five years.
'to repeat the same action over and again and expect the outcome to change'
Insanity the result and self created!!!
Today I seek change were it's the way to create a better outcome.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Today my dear friend has been a truly satisfying day, I was rewarded for my efforts in a deeply gratifying way,respect from the owners of a business I have been working for was paid to me for my efforts by them making me an outstanding offer.
I have learnt not to jump in feet first and will take into account all that sits in front of me before I decide how to react to their offer.
But I am deeply humbled by it and know that my ethics have been the right ones for me.
I ultimately do what is right for me and my own family because I know today that will have a profound and positive outcome for others to boot.
Right off to bed,back to work tomorrow morning for another day when my best efforts will be given.
Addiction drives me to want it to see what can be achieved when I don't dance to it's tune, I am no longer enchanted by it.
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler.
Today I choose not to feed addictions desire.
I am all the better for it.
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Had a good day yesterday, got away early enough to catch the gym before it closed and started the process of shedding the few pounds gained doing what I wished over the festive period,that was eating some delicious food and I enjoyed every moment of it.
The gym was predictably busier than it was in December but I was pleased to find all the equipment that I wanted to use free so I had a decent workout and rewarded myself with a good steam and sauna afterwards.
Today I grafted hard, good to see nice food leave the pass one plate after another and return empty a short while afterwards.
This coming week work dominates,I am booked up solid for the next six days, I will embrace each day and ensure I find time to spend with my hounds and my beloved family by way of rewarding myself.
Tonight I got home to enjoy some delicious meatballs our Lily made from scratch today and they were polished off by everyone.
My treat tonight the observer I bought on my way home, something to feed my mind with, something addiction loathes!!! Even more so the fact they don't promote gambling in the way many other publications do.
All in all another good day.
Tomorrow I will again give my all.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Well another day full of rewards, as was yesterday.
I thought a great deal about my relationship with alcohol over the past day or so, I used alcohol as a crutch, I consumed more than I should on an almost daily basis and yet because I functioned my behaviour was just a given.
What is acceptable to the world at large as a life is something on a daily basis I distance myself from, I don't want to just function any more I want to live, I really want to be able to experience and remember every act, warts and all, yes there are and will be days were I feel like the things in front of me are off to hell in a handcart, I can deal with them better if the pictures not distorted.
I will enjoy the odd glass of quality wine with Sarah when the occasion is befitting because I adore a decent red, but through choice I won't consume four beers on the train home and plenty more when I get home because I don't want or need to.
I guess life today has boundaries, I understand for me what over stepping the mark brings, through this I get to refocus and get to know my inner most self better.
Am I a better person for it??
I don't know how the world views me and truthfully I don't have to because my actions are only accountable to me.
I have myself to answer to and I today have more respect for myself than I can ever remember.
I had to get here through some truly devastating events and all too often ill thought through actions of my own undertaking.
I often wonder if addiction does that to every person who feeds it.
Are there not two outcomes on offer through acting in such a fashion.
Death or recovery.
I was more close to death than I would wish upon another living soul.
Please don't ever let the inner desire addiction breeds take you there.
Embrace recovery with everything you have.
Gift yourself.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

So so true Duncs my dear friend. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of my dear brother. He had lost all hope. I'm am so grateful that you found the strength and courage to grab the rope. The world is a better place with you in it! xx

Reading some of your latest posts it sounds as though you have been to hell and back.
You now sound so positive, clear headed and in control of your life. It's so good to see and must be very inspiring to many.
Keep up the good work, as stated in post #4427 you're now reaping your rewards.
All good wishes x

Dearest diary
Joan and little miss lost thanks so much for your kind words they humble me greatly.
So four days into my working week and I have put in four long days two of which I went between jobs to cover two businesses. I had a text from my mum today which said I am at my best when I am working hard which is profoundly true.
This week I set myself the goal that if I work all week I will purchase myself a very nice new coat, I have been watching it online for a week or so and it's been heavily reduced but will still be a bigger outlay than I can ever remember spending on a coat for myself, but that is something that I have done a bit of since the events of my last punt.
I am riding the best pushbike I have ever owned,there's new clothes in my wardrobe that actually fit and are my choice of what I actually like,I have a few pairs of decent shoes to choose to wear and I wear nice deodorant and aftershave that I like yet sacrificed owning to gamble.
I know these are normal everyday things but for me this is the first time in my adult life when I have truly cared for myself without it being detrimental to others through not paying bills or addiction making me self loath because I wasted money instead of gambling it.
I lost count of the amount of times I promised to buy things because we had the funds only to gamble those funds on addictions premise that I would WIN therefore gaining the item for free.
The result was everything that wasn't gambled was a waste of my hard earned and took on a meaningless value.
Today in black and white I see what utter madness that was.

I am working the next three days and will do that wantantly ,there's purpose and joy bound together in doing so.
I read a fantastic article in the review section of Sunday just pasts observer about depression and how episodes could be linked to our choices in life.
I will digest it over the next few days.
Today I didn't wage a penny and I am better for that.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

I loved your last post Duncan. I am a firm believer in embracing and fully appreciating the small everyday things that are normal to most but anything but to the gambling serf.

Enjoy your deodorant and aftershave - I wonder whether you are a Lynx or a Gillette Man or perhaps something even more classy! Your post made me laugh as it reminded me of the villanous smell which seems to permeate every nook and cranny of the local bookmakers. I think you must have felt similar to when I went gamble free long enough to afford and new pair of trousers. I wonder whether I should change the name of my thread to "The Rotten Reaking Ragged Trousered Philanthropists" - perhaps more appropriate?

Best wishes to you and the family!

Mark

Evening diary
Markman thanks for popping by, I am a mitchem deodorant man or ted baker, purely because they see me through a long days graft intact and there's nothing worse than a stinking chef lol, aftershave is either Paul Smith or Davidoff although I do love old spice our Lily always buys me some for Christmas its a long standing joke between us.
These days I am fashioning a beard, I haven't shaved since before Christmas and am in two minds whether to keep it or not, something else that I have never done before but thought why not!!

So I have just got in from a busy day at the stove,really enjoyed myself and got to cook some outstanding food, some great feedback and the lads all received a fare few gratuities so everyone was happy.
Back to work in six hours so I had better get some shut eye.
My early tomorrow looks like it might turn into a long day as the reservation book is looking pretty full, I will take it as it comes.
A new menu is in the pipeline,time to exploit the local produce and what is in season.
All in all another good day.
Made all the better by addiction hiding in the doldrums, January has been historically a bad month for me, this year I seek to continue making the necessary changes to eradicate a repeat performance.
I know what it takes, I have learnt so much about myself and how to function better as a result.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hello Duncs, from reading your posts it reminds me of something that the superb LB posted yonks back and it went something like this -

You’ve been through the eye of the storm and when that storm is over, you won’t really remember how you made it through the storm but you won’t be that same person who walked into that storm . And, that’s what the storm was all about .

I failed miserably on my beard, black hair and grey beard so now back to my two day shadows. Have a good weekend Duncs

Hi Duncs

Good to see you enjoying spending your money on treats and goodies. Speaking from the other side we too are finally in a position to do similar and it's fantastic. Enjoy the coat and never forget you're worth it 🙂

Evening diary.
Paul fella thanks for popping by, my beard is I believe growing Whiskey, dark but with plenty of grey in it, like my head of curly hair that's got plenty of grey in it these days to boot, Sarah suggested some dye!!! I laughed,not a chance I am what I am.
Lethe so glad your reaping the rewards of recovery,it's great to hear that from someone over the other side of the fence.
So another week done and dusted work wise, I had a good week, there are changes a foot in the kitchen I work in, the owners have agreed to cut the dead wood out from the staff which will mean the operation will get better and the offer to Excel will in my mind without doubt present itself.
To accept what is avoidable is not a lifestyle or work ethic I am prepared to adhere to today because I know that the ramifications of such actions would be catastrophic. I decided wherever possible in my life today I will maintain holding the ball, because if I am able to do so, to pre empt and plan ahead I am mentally much more levelled.
I am without doubt convinced that a life for me without structure is a akinned to living on a rollercoaster, full of ups and huge downs, a life which easily runs out of control.
Today I have found balance from that I know I find Hunger, a new found Hunger for life, to consider and be considered in equal measure, to use my professional skill to it's full potential, today I have found ability to seek the best from everything.
From this comes empowerment and with that responsibility.
For the first time in my life I am ready to accept that with a clear mind and I am going to enjoy every minute.
Without doubt nothing changes if nothing changes.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Had a days work yesterday with a friend not cooking but labouring,good to be able to earn money without any mental stress as such a day to forget kitchen life and let my mind wander.
I thought a great deal about the chicken and the egg, it's relevance??
Which came first the inner feeling of dread about the world I lived in,the lack of self esteem,the inner loneliness,a life of feeling undervalued the desire to run away.
Or my compulsion to gamble??

I know that all those feelings,emotions and and overwhelming urge to run away lived within me long before that first coin was rolled into a slot machine.
Funnily the act of gambling always offered a temporary escape from the world, those feelings locked away temporarily and I zoned out into an almost fantasy world.

I believe that once in that cycle I used gambling as my crutch, the thing that propped up my inner weaknesses my life became more dependant on that crutch.
Why?
Because for 30 years and more I had never expressed how I actually felt to anyone, I couldn't get past the belief in my own mind that the result would just create further personal damage.

So I know today that I just sort escape in which ever form I could find it,anything to stop the world seeing me as weak.
Drugs,alcohol and violent outbursts and other behaviour that would mask the world from seeing the real me.
When I found escape in the form of gambling I believe looking back I saw it as the least damaging option to the world and if I could win surely the world would finally view me as a winner.

That's the catch 22 though because I can honestly say that I never gambled to win,not once would I stop an episode of gambling through my own free will and choice.
Yes on occasion I would walk away with more money but only because I was interrupted by another factor,betting shop closing,work,ran out of excuses why I wasn't home,so on and so forth.
And as sure as eggs are eggs I would be back into a new episode of gambling as soon as humanly possible.
I repeated this cycle for twenty five years.
For twenty five years gambling was my ultimate escape,the mask that hid those underlying feelings.
Today I am addressing those emotions, I believe that is the key, I need to look after myself mentally and the result is a lessened desire to escape.
I have experienced the beginning of another storm brewing in my mind a few times in the past few months and I know talking to the folk around me and looking at the choices I make in life help me to weather the storms without seeking escape.
Because I accept today that any escape is temporary and equally that I know today what damage I cause to many other folk.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I accepted the chance to change, I no longer hold the shame I carried about who I am.
I accept that I am different.
I embrace recovery
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.