Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

That made me smile Duncs, sometimes my left hand is in harmony with my mind and makes beautiful sounds of a orchestra and then on the flip side it pounds away on the drums, though not in tune with one of my many right hands. I do prefer the sounds of the former. It’s about harmony Duncs, mind and body

Dear diary.
Today again the actions of another have had a significant impact upon my life.
The chef who was supposed to be working their notice phoned in sick, well texted in sick.
So once again the words of another person who has been a part of my life turn out to be hollow and false, my reaction was immediate anger, indignant and why do folk take me for a constant fool.
I seem to end up with the s#h#ty end of the stick all too often.
Well I stood my ground and refused to let my emotions boil over, I will just rise above it.
The fella is now finished.
Truthfully another person who turned out to be insignificant.
Will he be remembered for his fine cookery skills and being a decent fellow??
Nope,just another bag of hot air and empty promise.
I have never left a job in my life on those terms.
Why??
Because until my last minute I gave my best.
So today I learnt another valuable lesson.
Trust only those who are sincere,honest and sometimes put their own needs second.
Funnily I called this in the day we received his notice.
See I lived without integrity,honesty and an ounce of humility
I can see through any glossy picture through the fact I painted many.
In future I will invest further in what is only worth my investment.
Tomorrow again the actions of another persons selfish attitude won't affect how I live, I know better, I honestly believe in better.
And it's true actions speak louder than words.
Time to rise,time to enjoy cooking. I will let every plate sing.
Addiction hates this
That's in itself enough.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back

Do you ever think about opening up your own restaurant as your passion for cooking and the pride you take in it seems like a natural to run your own place, I know that brings a lot more headaches but you have a good mindset so would take it full on. Have a good day Duncs.

Hello Duncs,

The Suns shining, yay, what more could we ask for ?

With regards to your last post and something Kelly has recently posted on my diary, but -

‘ I think that’s akin to trying to ‘fix’ everyone else’s problems rather than facing up to our own! ‘

We seem to be going through something similar with regards to work and making the same mistake in judging people by our own ethics. ( Ethics and addicts, not a good combination )Who’s say what’s right or wrong, all we can do is do our very best and not let others get under our skin. Easier said than done I know, as my thought process is very much about my work dilemma but deep down I know it’s my problem and something I need to try and face, hard when I don’t really know what the problem is.

I know you don’t like hearing this, but even though it’s admirable the hours you put in at work but sometimes we need to give ourselves a break and just get busy doing nothing.

Time on my hands so another ramble for you Duncs.

"Time to rise, time to enjoy cooking. I will let every plate sing."

This quote really does confirm what a wonderful human being you are, full of morals, values and compassion and someone who really does love his job. It's people like you who contribute massively towards society that we need a lot more of.

If ever I came to be in your area, I would be more than happy to spend money for your cooking. And yes, you should think about opening your own restaurant - you obviously have the passion and the commitment for it. It's whether you feel that you would like to take on the extra responsibility.

NT

Morning diary.
Thanks for all your comments, it means a great deal that folk take the time to share.
Paul fella I am not judging the fella, what I wrote was just the facts, he was due to cover five shifts before leaving and decided instead to suit himself and go on a drink and drugs binge rendering him unable to forfill his agreed duties.
The person effected by this was solely me because I was left holding the baby so to speak, I wrote it in my diary rather than letting it brew inside my head,I used to bottle it up, the result always the same BOOM!!!!
No more self harming in this fashion.
Nt,smashed I thank you for your praise but owning a catering business for me is not something that motivates me, I have been around kitchens for 26 years, I live and breathe them, that is enough for me, I know that cooking has been my saviour many times in times of trouble.
The only way I would look to run a business today is if it gifted the community, I really am not at all motivated by financial gain, I am so rich in so many ways, money just f#ooks that all up for me.
Right off to walk the hounds, then a steam and sauna.
Then a days r and r.
See I do listen Paul!! Lol.

Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Duncs,

I get that ..... bottle and boom. But here’s another slant, yes, it’s a ***** that you was left holding the baby and being effected by someone’s selfishness, but, then you mentioned that he preferred the route of addiction and went off on a drink and drug binge. Is is then a possibility that it wasn’t so much being left with the work load that wound you up but the reflection of the addict traits that you despise in yourself ? The reason why I’m tagging on to this is that I’m trying to figure something out with something that’s really grating me at the moment. Like you, I know I’m justified and been vindicated by many, yet I question why it’s wound me so much ?

Rambling, enjoy your r&r

Dear diary.
Paul fella I can see it what you are saying and I have this to say
If the fella was or is an addict then I would find it easier, in truth there would be no anger, inner resentment from my addictive side, throwing the baby and bath water out because why should he play and not me!!!!!!
But this is not the case.
I won't find excuses, I will accept that in life there are pleasant folk,nasty folk, selfish folk,self centred folk and for the genuinely good folk I have the pleasure to meet there have been some just plain bad people.
They come in all shapes and sizes as we do and it's impossible to read everyone, like me folk wear many masks to suit.
So I will accept what it is.
It is what it is.
Nothing more or less.
I am so relaxed I could fall over lol.
Steam,sauna and spa that did the mind body and soul the world of good.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Lol, Agreed, but still none the wiser in how I deal with a nasty little narcissistic man whom I got a job for ? Something has to give and It won’t be me, so the question to myself is how to articulate to my hierarchy that ? Even though in saying that, they know but just like me, seek the easy life

My only answer to date was by my old man ‘ to man up ‘ with which I have but in that time I’ve burdened myself with more work. What a confused man I am !

Evening diary.
Well just in from an evening shift at the stove,my day off turned into half a day off of which I don't mind, I went to an old fort this afternoon and had a stroll around it was a truly good afternoon, then got news that several bookings had come in so went to work.
You might ask what's different??
Yesterday Duncs was moaning about being left holding the ball.
Well what is different is the customers I believe are being created by the efforts I put in,so I will see them right, I want to forfill the promise I made to myself to see this through.
It's easy for me to give time to something if I can see that it will have long term rewards.
I got to see my mum and Ed,we had a wonderful evening last night,proper family time.
So I am happy to work hard and play even harder at the things that are truly rewarding.
I want to give everything I have to everything I do.
It's a joy.
Paul I see you have two choices, either go with the flow in the belief that what goes around comes around or call the fella out.
Me I would call him out.
Why?
Because I am done holding the wrong end of a stick.
What is the worst thing that can happen?
You are left holding that baby.
My view at least that way you have created a choice of your own, even if it's through default.
Principles are something that are relatively new to me, but I know that now I have found them I will hold them dear.
The outcome self belief.
Yes if I walked into a bar tonight I wouldn't like everyone in there,neither would everyone like me,that is life, I accept that wholly.
The only thing that matters surely is by being the real me I can look in the mirror and like what looks back.
That is enough,inspirational.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Just on the train home, double day today, labouring all day and cooked tonight, I got forty winks in the middle and it served me well.
I have been thinking today about work and my work life, I estimate that I have worked for twenty five years full time and probably an average of six days a week and twelve hours a day. There have been sustained periods were I would up that to 15 hour days.
I have got through them with a grit and determination to get the job done, I have had salaried jobs were my hourly rate looked ridiculous, I believe that I have always earned every penny.
I equally calculate that I have gambled and lost fifty percent of my life time earnings.
That is deeply sobering.
Today I get paid for every hour I work and paid well to boot.
Am I trying to earn my losses back?
Maybe.
Or maybe its just what I do, born to graft?
I rarely complain, I enjoy it, I can see myself doing this for a time ahead.
Because I can.
Duncs

Good for you Duncs, I also see myself as one of life’s workers. A value passed down to me, albeit I have been prone to have big trips overseas in the past, guess never having kids and also my upbringing a big reason for that.

You have a bigger passion for your profession than I do for mine. A bit random here but I remember being on a successful project a few years back where things ran like clockwork and a superb team effort by everyone involved, there use to be regular pats on the back for yet another dead line being met, during these times I use to see this quite high earner rock up, yet never saw him during the slog. I took an instant dislike, then after time he became one of our drinking circle and he said to me, ‘ how he see’s things, what ever a company gave him as a wage, that he deserved double so he would only do half the work ‘ I respected him for that theory and thought he’s***t the work/ life balance a lot better than me.

Another random to add to my collection

Dear diary.
Thanks Paul,for me fella there never rambles or random,we connect and I like that, you challenge me to think yet not over think.
For me I am what I am and I really don't want to change the things that I see as positive things.
Today whilst driving to our job this morning the fella I work with was banging on about his mate who befriended an old lady and she has passed away and he has been left her house and the fella was moaning about how lucky that is,for me I wouldn't want it,truthfully I would see it as an unjustified gain,that it would haunt me down the line.
I want to have the feeling that what I have is mine,that what I have is enough, there's a great deal of worth in that for me mentally.
Without gambling I have a great deal more, I can actually see what money can do without addiction blinding my mind,that constant feeling that what I have is not enough.
Addiction bred the worthless feeling,it made me channel every thought into feeding it.
Gambling became my life, I functioned to gamble and gambled to function.
I truly believe that only a fellow compulsive gambler understands that cycle.
Until we step outside of it by standing deep inside of it we never see the true damage it wages.
Because it's not the money is it, it's what we become.
What that next punt could bring was my constant drive as a functioning addict, in parallel recovery brings the same thought.
It's just one that's in black and white.
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
I did win because I did stop.
It's a choice
I made mine just for today
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Well just in from a day at the stove, managed to get a couple of hours break this afternoon,popped home and took the hounds for a run which inspires me to live like them,just a life of pure joy, one which you give your all to and enjoy every moment.
Funny because in my life of old a few hours off in the afternoons meant turning my phone off and running straight to the nearest bookies to empty all I had into a machine, more often than not returning to work having spent more than a days hard graft in the process. Then the lying to Sarah would begin, excuses upon excuses.
Then my mind would be plotting the next episode, survival mode would kick in, something addicts get more used to than life with opportunity.
Life today is about opportunity, I value the ability today that through hard graft I was able to enjoy a break.
Addiction truly hates this mindset, it kicks screams and runs at the wall I have in front of it, I live inside it, I have built a wall around it, I have enclosed it and live with it in my sight, I believe that the day I accepted it would never leave me I accepted that living with it gifted me the powers that it held over me.
It feels like a role reversal.
To do this is a huge undertaking, in my mind you have to out it, you have to tell the world why it's unacceptable for you to gamble, that starting point means you lay the first brick in that wall.
The outcome has been I have the opportunity to work on myself.
To learn what to think about, what to leave at the door and how to like the fella who looks back from the mirror.
I accept from this that I am a working progress.
I sit happy with that.
I made a Choice today
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
Just in from a long day at the stove, I am without doubt in the work groove at the minute, I feel like the weight of carrying someone who didn't want to be working has been lifted because they are no longer a problem, which has made life without doubt easier, no more excuses for a lack lustre performance needed, no more frustration caused by something beyond my control.
I have learnt another valuable lesson over the past few weeks.
I don't have to accept this attitude, I am in control, I can carry the baby if needed because I choose to.
I am not looking at others in any form of judgement on a personal level, I am purely looking after what I am paid well to do.
Why should I accept anything less than everyone's best every day.
When you cook for a living you only get one chance with every plate and I will work hard to ensure that every customer walks away happy.
Aside from this I enjoy my days labouring because the tables are turned, I go from telling folk what to do to being told what to do and that is an amazing leveller for me,it keeps my feet on the ground, I go gung ho at it, it's an amazing workout and I have learnt so much.
From all the things in the mixer I have to have a plan,a long term schedule and an ongoing plan.
Goals to achieve financially and mentally something I see as an evolution of my inner self.
I want to live, I want to run hard at everything.
Today I believe in myself
My name is Duncs i am a compulsive gambler
Today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.