Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary
So today is the national I was asked if I wanted to play the sweepstake at work I declined
It is just a Choice
One which offered the greatest outcome
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Evening diary.
Another long day done and dusted. We were busy,the sun shone and folk came out and spent their hard earned.
Everyone national mad, My thought I hope it doesn't unlock the door for any addicts who jumped on the band wagon.upon finishing we rode hard for the mile or so to the train station to catch a train only to see all the trains seriously delayed due to the emergency services shutting down the line in Woking, we said little and rode the dozen more miles home. Not complaining silently thinking I could have caused that. Suicide affects so many lives, that I will never forget.
It's deeply sobering.
I have another long day tomorrow, I will see it through, Monday I will rest to ready myself for another long week ahead of that,every day will see me at the stove.
I understand what I need to do.
Ahead in six weeks time I get a weeks break, the beaches of Cornwall await Sarah myself and our beloved hounds.
That is inspiration in itself.
Today I made that possible through a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning diary.
Well nice to wake up to warmer weather it without doubt helps with my joints, not the pain I have been having over the past months just a dull thud rather than a thumping hammer, I can live with that.
So yesterday saw an even busier day, another when there was no food complaints just a couple of errors through the ordering system which were dealt with.
The owners were happy when I left.
So today I will go in shortly for a few hours to rebuild the fridges as they are like old mother Hubbard lol.
Then hopefully an evening off, I hope to get to the gym and treat myself to an hour in the wet room.
No labouring this week instead a full week at the stove, something I look forward to.
Addiction blurred my outlook, I would have been full of anger and self loathing.
Addiction would have been interested in nothing more than my hard earned and anyone else's I could have got my hands upon.
Today I relish the opportunity to spend the extra earnings on living a life without regret.
Break the cycle and that is what is on offer.
Break it every day and a new cycle awaits, firstly to repair the financial damage left by addiction something that is important I understand but it's not the reason alone for arresting the next bet.
Because through experience I know that addiction will believe you are free to gamble once you service the debt.
Money is purely the fuel.
I believe I understand better today why I gambled and I work hard to eradicate repeating such events.
It's worth investing in.
The outcome is a feeling of mental wellbeing.
I am all in.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear diary
300 days since I came back to write my deepest inner thoughts,to lift the rocks that stood in my way,to open my mind to why I had let myself get to the point where I no longer had a will to live.
For the first time in my life I opened the door to what really is inside my head. I spoke openly to mental health workers and found a gp that really seems to listen.
Today I do have a sense that I can face anything because that day a part of my life died.
Physically if the train had been running I would be dead,a memory.
Today life is different,yes there are as many tough days but none will take me back to the place I was 301 days ago.
I want to live, I love life.
I am a compulsive gambler.
I know addiction still lives,rages inside.
All I can do is deal with it a day at a time.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Congratulations on another 300 days of success Duncs - very well deserved! Without going melodramatic on you it really lifts me to see you doing so well. Keep looking forward...

Markman

Congratulations Duncan on 300 days gamble free.

I always enjoy reading your posts and love following your exploits at work, in the home and also when your out and about with the hounds.

You know where you have been and you have a shrewd idea of where you are headed. Hard work, common sense and a good sense of humour are guiding you forward. The name of the game is onwards and upwards and you are forging ahead relentlessly. I take off my hat to a true gamcare warrior. Respectfully yours, stephen

Congrats on 300 days Duncs, making each of them count too. Great to read your diary entries and todays marks another milestone along your GF road.

Take care mate

All the best!

Hi Duncs,

congrats on the days, I know counting them is not the be all and end all for you and more important is that each day you make the right decision is a good day. Reading back through your diary you have come so so far, from the very depths of despair to a much happier place. Walk those hounds, cherish your family, enjoy that holiday, enjoy life .......

Paulds

Morning diary.
Thanks so much for all you kind words, they really do mean a great deal, they truly fire my soul.

So last week I turned in a 75 hour week at the pub, the sun came out and so did the customers, we all worked incredibly hard, the result,the whole team got a payrise, there wasn't a single complaint and we didn't compromise with anything.
Today I have a day off, I got up early, a bit of a thick head, a few pints of the black stuff last night and a burger with my Callum, a great way to sign off the week. The hounds and I had a walk and I serviced my bike,tidied the garage and did all the housework and now the day is mine.
I have a choice, I know addiction wants to play, it's been dancing it's tune since I woke up.
I love the fact its here to see what will happen, I will share the next hour with it listening to original pirate material, our latest addition to the vinyl record collection,I will catch up with the world, send a few emails,messages I have to send.
Then I will go shopping, walk the hounds above my beloved Portsmouth and tonight we will eat like kings, hopefully Sarah and I will enjoy a trip to the gym and an early night;))))
So it's a choice.
Or I could listen to addiction
And fookety fo%*#@k it all up
I have danced to that tune and just for today rather than addiction enjoy the spoils of my efforts I will let my greater self enjoy it,the effect will be profound.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Yesterday I laboured and today I am back at the stove for the next three days, then on Saturday I am off, I am off to visit my mum and Ed for the day then I am back to the stove on Sunday afternoon.
It was truly good to have had the past couple of days away from the pub, I know what happens if I don't take time away, it to easily becomes the normal for everyone and I know its the polar opposite.
Last night we enjoyed a roast, pork and all the trimmings, delicious and so good to sit at the dinner table and eat.
I know how important it is to communicate with my family,there are no longer emotions bottled away from anyone and in doing so addiction has to watch on in disgust.
To break the cycle I had to break myself, is that what it takes?? I truly hope that other folk let them take addiction where it took me, because I equally know how close I came to be another statistic.
Today I feel like I finally have some headspace, room in my own mind to create memories, it's not that I will ever forget that past, more like I added some new shelving.
To remember the past will carry great value, to live in it I would run back to the open arms of addiction, that is something I will spend just today resisting.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Just in from work another good day at the stove which got me thinking.
It's a great way for me to facilitate my desire to people please with parameters, my desire to put others first is fed by simply putting good food on a plate, then aside from the hours I spend in the kitchen I can get busy making myself happy.
Something that has come way down on the list of priorities.
I find myself constantly second guessing my actions, I always have masked my life problems by over worrying about everyone else.
This gifts nothing but a mental mind fo@okety f@0k.
Well not any more, I know by looking after my own mental wellbeing first actually benefits others because I behave in a better fashion as an outcome.
So productive thoughts and as an outcome another good day.
The foundations laid for a brighter day tomorrow.
A choice made foremost.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi ya Duncs,

Uplifting post there and have to say the fo@kity fo@k reference really raised a much needed smile. Keep kicking addiction to the curb my friend. -joanxx

Evening diary.
My dear friend Joan thanks for popping by, it has been a long road we have walked side by side,one which has seen many twists and turns but it's ok, we are learning to live with ourselves and that for me is inspiration in itself.
So a day off today which saw me up with the larks, the hounds and I went and ran the cobwebs away then I went about doing all the jobs that needed my attention, the kitchen cupboard under the sink needed rebuilding,a leaky tap fixing,the garden wanted an overhaul and Callum had a new bed delivered that took three hours to build!! In the throws of it I put a leg of lamb from our freezer supplies in to slow roast ontop of some potatoes in stock and even managed to pop out and collect some bedding plants for the garden and a couple of lovely hanging baskets which I filled one with herbs for the summer and the other with some trailing plants.
I achieved all this and ran the hounds a couple more times before Sarah got in, we then rode to the gym and used the wet room for a relaxing hour or so, I left a tray of vegetables roasting with garlic in the oven and we all sat around the table and enjoyed a feast upon our return.
Today I spent less than I would have placed on one spin of the roulette wheel which would have led to a wasted day,a self given mind bending fo#%kety f@%k and without doubt an empty bank balance and a long hard month of begging borrowing and stealing, with a barrel load of lies to ice the top of it.
There's a choice!!! One I took selfishly over and again for more than twenty years
Recovery is not easy street, I know that,I have the t shirt,poster and DVD to prove it.
The early days are at times harder than being an active gambler because the crutch is taken away.
Addiction shouts from the roof tops the old What's the point!!'
Well my foe, my nemesis days like today are for me the point.
I rewarded myself and in doing so my actions will have a profoundly positive outcome on the folk I hold dear.
I am refreshed and ready for the upcoming bank holiday, which will be hopefully a busy spell at my beloved stove.
The reward of that will hopefully be a few more hours in the chair, my sleeve is over half way done and it's for me the reminder of where addiction and I went, I wear it with pride because I respect where it led.
Today I choose life, warts and all.
Today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain.
I am very proud to write those words.
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler
Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
My dear friend I have neglected you for that I am sorry.
Why have I neglected you??
Purely and simply until today my feet have not touched the ground, I have worked non stop at the pub until today, today I was due to work but woke up to find Mr blue with a huge swelling under his eye, so everything got dropped and we went off to the vets, he has an infection, abscess caused by his k4 tooth being fractured .
We have ten days of antibiotics for him to take and another appointment after that, he will most probably have to get the tooth extracted. Bless him he looked like he really needed help this morning, I am so glad to be able to be there, him and Hovis have given me so much, more than I could ever give in return. I can truly lose myself when I am with them, there's no agenda, no expectations, just a bond. I know it might sound strange but I truly feel like I am happier in their company than I am human company.
Aside from working Sarah has been off since Friday afternoon and on Sunday we took her to a and e, she had bottom line worn herself out, resulting in her being severely anaemic and her c*P count at rock bottom, so she ended up with multiple viruses.
So my wing man has been laid up, as a family we united and will get through another turbulent period.
I have been so busy at work to boot, the weekend saw record amounts of revenue for the owners in there ten years of having the business.
We are looking to recruit another chef to take on the newly created work load.
I have struggled with the workload and don't have any shame in being honest because that old feeling of What's in it for me crept in and a feeling of loosing control through diluting what I can give by spreading myself thin.
So two weeks to go and a week off, and a week when I will shut myself off from the outside world and spend time with Sarah and my beloved hounds.
Weeks like this teach me that I need to keep my ducks in a row.
Addiction lurked in the shadows over the past few days, I welcome it, I know that whatever the h#@ll I face ahead it will take a great deal more to climb if I listen to addictions call.
I have a long three days ahead of me at the stove.
A good thing as Mr blues care will cost a fare amount, whatever it costs I will happily graft hard to pay for it.
Today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening dear friend.
So today the news was dominated by the news that a talented musician had taken his own life,this is the second person this week that made the headlines,another person walked in front of a train on Wednesday, I sincerely hope they both found peace through their actions,I totally empathise with them,I believe I understand why they choose to take the course of actions they did.
Depression is a silent killer, it's impossible to explain how it affects you, it's not something that's easy to share or show.
I accept that there is equally no cure.
It does help to talk about how you feel, if you are holding these feelings please share them.
I know through experience that if you open enough doors someone will listen.
I don't have the answer,I wish I did, it breaks my heart to see lives lost to this illness.
Please let's not let them be in vain.
Whatever I feel today pains into insignificants at what the families of the folk who could suffer no more feel today.
My thoughts go out to them.
Suicide is a choice that doesn't come easily, that I believe I understand.
Today I am glad I feel safe enough for that not to be my own outlook.
Just for today that's enough.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.