Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Well a week closed off yesterday, one which tested my resolve to see through the s#@h#it storm and find positive things that could ward off the feelings of melancholy and self loathing.
It really does feel like groundhog day at times, that life just deals up constant obstacles that need attention when I would rather be doing something else.
But I know that this is life, that I can get through whatever is put my way.
From it I am learning how to look after myself, to find outcomes that have lasting effects, positive ones.
Addiction wants me to hand it control, it tries to tell me that it would be easier that way.
That I have an excuse.
Well no more excuses, no more putting the wants of others before my own.
12 days till I head to Cornwall for a week, Mr blues antibiotics are doing their job which is marvellous.
Right the stove is calling.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Very few people like you who can turn a s#@h#it storm into something positive. I can only try to emulate that.

I hope Mrs Duncs is feeling better. Mrs Markman suffered very similarly and was likewise diagnosed with anaemia a couple of weeks ago. No doubt the usual prescription of high dose iron pills. Get Mrs Duncs to try these with a helping of vitamin D supplements. Mrs Markman did this and is presently bouncing off the walls with energy - I am exhausted!

Best wishes,

Markman

Evening diary.
Markman fella thanks for the kind words I do believe that there is always a way, for me I took lots of horrendous choices over a twenty five year period resulting in my life being made simply harder to live within as a result.
Depression has been present for the past week, an episode that again left me wanting to run, to fo@kital and hide from the world.
I faced my inner self, rode the thoughts in my head and made choices that kept me safe and away from harms way.
Today I have had a day off, spent the morning with my beloved hounds, the afternoon doing the gardening and all the while a leg of English lamb roasted slowly above a tray of stock covered potatoes. It was in the oven for six hours.
On the dining table for 15 minutes.
A real treat.
Ten days straight of work after today and Cornwall beckons.
A week to enjoy the peace and quiet with my beautiful best friend and wife and our hounds.
Worth riding the storm??
You bet
Me I am all in.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
My dear friend today an elephant walked into the room.
Someone will no doubt be patting themselves on the back in the belief that they solved the problem of compulsive gambling,oh sorry to use that unspoken word, I mean 'problem gambling'.
What has been achieved by reducing the maximum stake from one hundred pounds to two pounds a play on the fobt??
Talking from a compulsive gambler who was active for twenty five years point of view absolutely nothing, the problem of compulsive gambling hasn't been addressed at all.
Is the possibility of damage reduced??
Through experience not a bit, in fact the truth is compulsive gamblers who feed fobts have just been given a green light to spend more time gambling.
How many times have you walked into a bookmakers the minute it opened and left when the shop assistant tells you they are closing??
I remember when the maximum stake was ten pounds and spending a great deal of hours feeding the machine.
Yes I have waged a hundred pounds a spin, I am not proud of that but it's true.
Equally I have gambled relentlessly for the best part of a day staking 20/25 pence a spin on a fruit machine style game on an fobt.why??
To win??
No to stay in action, nothing more nothing less.
So for me today no person who made the decision to regulate fobts in government did a single thing that will have a. Positive outcome for a compulsive gambler.
To counter their losses I believe that bookmakers will allow customers to play for higher stakes on the fobt by becoming a member and logging in to play casino style games for higher than two pound stakes.
So as I started this post, there's a f@00king great big white elephant in the room.
Until bookmakers,online casinos are forced to credit check customers to see if they can obtain credit or have a limit set on what can be gambled on the results of such a credit rating this problem will go u touched.
For me the news today was akin to a boy putting their finger in the d**e to stop the leak.
I will leave you dear diary with this question, one I believe I already have the answer to.
Have you ever seen or experienced watching a non compulsive gambler actively playing an fobt for the pure fun of the gamble??
Me neither!!!!
So I will enjoy reading from the those responsible for todays decision blowing their trumpets, because I know how today again a smokescreen has been created.
This won't affect my life.
A decision will.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

I don’t often disagree with you Duncan but the maximum stake reduction to me is a godsend. I never stayed in the betting shop anymore than a hour or two but in that time I had lost thousand. I didn’t stop until all money was gone going a £100 a spin. With the stake down to £2 it will no longer appealing for me. I’m excluded from the majority if not all online accounts. So it’s brilliant news for me.

Dear diary.
Boro, thanks for popping by but I implore you to re read your post, in two hours you will still be able to put a minimum of £500 through an fobt in your two hours, for me the elephant stands proud and ice that cake with the fact I believe that bookmakers will still get around the new law by allowing you to log in for higher stake gambling, because if I am not wrong this has been the case in recent times for stakes over fifty pounds you log in to do so.
So the new rules will be a mockery.
Add that to all the compulsive gamblers who will green light addiction because 'well it's only two pounds'
It is all about a bigger choice for me, a life changing one.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Ya Duncs,

I have to agree with you whole heartedly. It has taken me years to understand that gambling addiction is not about the money. There are games on Facebook that folks can play for tokens ffs. Designed exclusively to draw the compulsive gambler into the "action" vortex. Folks can and do spend thousands in real currency in exchange for tokens!!! We never win because we never stop. Don't want to hijack your diary here. Just nodding in agreement. What is a man's or woman's purpose? I'm sure I might never know. But, one thing I do know. It cannot be to stand in front of a machine maniacally feeding money into a slot waiting for random patterns to appear. It's a mind fookity f**k for sure. Keep kicking the S***e of addiction Duncs!

I whole-heartedly agree with you, duncanmacs, about the new £2 limit. Yes, it's a good start to helping some of the possible problem gamblers but by and large, they are missing the overall point.

Like you say, at least £500 can still be lost in just two hours, perhaps less. Years ago, arcades were limited to just four of the £500 and £2 play jackpot games. What will we still have? Around a hundred or so £500 and £2 jackpot games across all four FOBTs.

Fact: You can definitely still lose your monthly salary in one session in the bookies on those games.

Fact: I lost £2400 in one session on two occasions. Yes, £2400!

Fact: The over-riding addiction is still contained withing our minds and bodies. Us problem gamblers remain just one tiny, tiny bet away from utter disaster.

These are challenging times for us all. People may jump for joy at the £2 limit but to me, this only takes us back around ten years or so when gambling was still a real problem. And yes, bookies will try and find a way around this so-called 'solution'.

It's not a solution. It's only a start.

NT

The only thing I ever played on was roulette was never interested In playing slots. For me playing roulette at £2 a spin would be pointless. I really do think it’s a good thing and the betting companies in my view are going to struggle to get round it. Yeah there try we will just have to see what happens. I’m not having a go or anything it’s just my opinion

Morning dear diary.
Joan lovely to hear from you, you can hijack my thread any time you like, communication is a wonderful source of therapy.
Boro fella I genuinely take no offence to what you write fella, in fact what you write today delights me no end, there was a time when I believed that recovery was a one size fits all program and it had to be followed to the letter by anyone serious about seeking abstinence, today I accept wholly that you have to take a path that works for you and if the outcome is abstinence then well done you.
My only advice is shout about it, shout it from the rooftops, because sharing is for me a massive part of this, never truer is it for me that to recover from addiction you have to give your recovery away.
Nt, you have been here a long time I respect what you say and yes it's true that the new legislation is very much like winding the clock back ten or so years, the growing difference for me today is the stigma that being an addict used to bring has been lessened, far more folk from all walks of life have stepped out from the shadows that addiction creates to tell the world of their addiction, a step for me which is the greatest thing I ever did to take control of my own addiction, because it's effect has been profoundly positive as has my telling the world of my depression.
Yes there's folk who judge and see it as a weakness but truthfully they are few and far between.
In my opinion the gambling industry are delighted when addiction is kept to being a dirty little secret, because they can lay the blame solely at the individuals feet.
I see how big a business gambling is, has become, every other advert is glossy picture of how much money is there to be won, bingo,slots and virtual casinos all with the never ending show of happy punters.
And there is nothing to counter this is there, the industry made an advert that mocked gambling addicts, oh no not addicts, in the words of the industry and the government 'problem gamblers' an advert which was short lived was it not.
I would like to see an advert truly depicting addiction.
The emotional loss,financial loss,despair,prison,and suicide all things that are outcomes of gambling addiction.
Because I believe that would have a profound effect on society.
The fact for me which I believe is mostly true is since I have shared my addiction with the world there are actually few folk I meet who don't have a family member,significant other or work colleague who is a gambling addict.
Ultimately I would like the government to accept gambling addiction for exactly what it is an addiction, because I believe that day would truly be a starting point to a world which would deal better with the outcome for addicts and all the innocent family members and friends who suffer the consequences of active gambling addiction.
To do so I believe would have a profoundly greater effect than any regulations on the industry.
Gambling will always exist, the opportunity to gamble will present itself in countless forms, that I accept, for twenty five years I fed it, for twenty five years I could not see any other way, I could see the damage caused but still I fed addictions desire.
Today I understand the value of a choice created by my desire to live without the self destruction.
Yes it's not easy, addiction will live within me for my entire life, like every addict I am one punt away from destruction.
Just for today I will find the courage to stand strong.
Abstain and maintain
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler, no bet today.
Stepping forward never back

Cheers duncan always appreciated your comments. I agree with you it ain’t going to help everybody though

Morning dear diary.
No gambling, no stress, no fear, no desire to run away today.
To watch the hounds run free across crantock Beach the icing on the cake.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Afternoon diary.
Well on a five and a half hour train journey back home, a wonderful few days spent with Sarah and our beloved hounds, we have had some great us time and we have set out our next set of plans.
Sarah has three weeks left in her job and is starting a new one, something completely different and something that I know she will really enjoy, it's in retail and will mean that we will no longer be constricted to living with the school timetable ruling out lives.
Our children are all living at home but are now all self dependent and we are going to have more time to enjoy living the life we have built.
I know that the last year's been testing for Sarah at times, but we have ridden the storms together and I have a belief that we can now live a contented life together.
Yes there will be dark days and tough things to encounter at times but we today have a knowledge of how to overcome life's trials and tribulations.
Addiction still rides along, depression will present itself when it chooses because that is something beyond my control, but I am learning how to live through episodes better.
I have not gambled for a while now, not a day counter but I am aware it's been close to a year since I last did.
I know that arresting the next punt is nothing upon its own, equally I know repaying debt is equalling.
Yes they have meaning but alone addiction uses them as an easy route back into the mind.
The old lines it spins in my mind.
'come on you haven't had a punt for... Treat yourself you deserve it, and no debt = green light to create new debt'
I have worn the t-shirt, have the dvd and understand wholly that the next punt will be equally devastating as the last.
I have created change, true life altering change.
I have a long way to go
I can truthfully see the road ahead.
I woke up this morning with a smile, I know how and who with I want to spend the rest of my life.
A choice will make that happen.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.
My old friend life has been a revolving cycle for the past few days, I know that after taking time out my deepest inner self wants to punish me for doing so. I know that it is just trying another angle to get back to the front of my mind.
Everyone is entitled to take time out of their working lives to enjoy the reason they graft, everyone needs to rest and relax.
I really enjoyed the time spent with Sarah, I got to be selfish and have her all to myself.
A rare thing.
So I will again ride the storm in my mind.
I can function as a compulsive gambler without pursuing the act of gambling, because simply it's a punt which always leaves me as the winner.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.
On the train station waiting for the train to spend a day at the stove, inwardly I have ridden through another storm, the water has again calmed again, I am happy to say that I didn't turn to addiction for comfort, I know what to do, talk, I had a lovely evening on Thursday with Sarah, the gym and a couple of drinks afterwards and a good talk, every inner thought laid bare.
It works, it's an amazing gift, to be able to be honest and a great source of therapy.
Tomorrow I am taking a day off, I am going to enjoy a day with my wife and family.
Reward for the effort we give life.
Today I won't gamble a penny against that.
I fully understand what it would result in, I walked that road enough times to know.
Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.