Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs, one of the few names I recognise on here, having not posted in a while. Good to see you continuing forward in your journey. Read a few comments back, your pleas for people not to isolate themselves, so true, it is such a danger to a gambling addict: an opportunity to feel sorry for ourselves, time and opportunity for gambling to creep in. Enjoy your day.

Morning dear diary.
Rhoda thanks for popping by.
So my dear friend I had a busy, long weekend, one of the chefs had to be sent home as he was very ill with a chest infection and despite his pleas that he would survive I packed him off home to bed so his antibiotics would be able to work. I picked up the extra work load and hours and again a good productive weekend was had.
On Friday night walking my beloved hounds I got bitten on the leg by what my doctor believes to be a spider, because on Tuesday I had to visit the surgery as my leg was severely swollen and very angry looking. I had taken antihistamine and piled on the bite cream all weekend to no avail and when I visited the chemist on Monday I was told to get to a doctor.
So I am now on antibiotics, in the night it has appeared to have burst all over the place so I have cleaned it up and will continue to take the pills, there appears to be a hole growing in the middle of the wound so I will keep an eye on it today.
Yesterday I was labouring, a long days graft made harder by my leg which burnt all day.
Today a day off, one I will spend with Sarah as she is also off.
For now I have returned to bed, not something I often do, but today I will answer to my bodies request.
Just for today I will look out for number one.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning dear diary.
So my antibiotics are beginning to work, this afternoon I am back to the stove for a ten day straight so I am glad to be feeling better.
I have seen a great deal of the Alan Carr book mentioned over the past week, something I have not read but did read his book on giving up smoking and still smoke so I am a bit sceptical.
I have said the words that have been shared many times in my time here.
Recovery is bespoke, there is no absolute recipe for it, so if it is tailored to fit and the outcome is the same then for me that is fantastic.
For me abstinence, arresting the next bet is and was the easiest part.
Apply the triangle.
Time - money - location
Take at least one away at all times and you simply cannot have a punt.
But I know that didn't change the person I had become, in fact arresting the punt led me to procrastinate more, feel more unworthy, more angry.
I had to change.
Change came by working the steps, with other like minded folk and from that came honesty and a desire to live and change.
I equally had to be ready and fully committed.
For the first four and a half years I wrote this thread I wasn't, no book or sound advice would have changed that.
Today it's different, this morning rather than procrastinating about Alan Carr I think I might give his smoking book another try.
Today I have the ability to change, because I have a want to live the best life I can for myself.
That took a great deal of time to come about
And numerous sources.
My eggs are no longer in one basket.
That works for me.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for this post dunc... For 2 reasons:

1) you made me laugh with the passage about reading the smoking book then continuing to smoke :o) not sure if that was an intentional joke but it made me chuckle.

2) I have seen so much positive feedback re Allen Carr's book on here that I bought it... But now I won't open it. Someone mentioned that maybe I'm not fully ready to give up on gambling that's why? This got me worried. Having read your post I now realise that I'm ok with having the book and not reading it yet... Like you my eggs are happily placed in various baskets right now and I just can't carry any more baskets currently... My hands are full and I'll end up dropping a basket and breaking eggs if I'm not careful. When the load gets lighter and I have more capacity I'll read it then. Thanks a lot dunc.

Morning diary.
Signalman fella I guess I have a kind of gallows humour, but there was a serious point in the words I wrote. For me to be told someone is playing a con trick doesn't sit well with me and it leaves me seeking revenge, I become sort of entrenched with it, it consumes my every thought.
For me the day I accepted that gambling wasn't the problem I was, was the day I moved forward.
Gambling will always exist and has way before my time.
I am on route back to work.
Bring it on.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.
So yesterday was a tough day, we had put a hundred plus meals over the pass by half past two and ran out of our roasts. I had to send one lad home after ten minutes of his shift as he was sick and the other chef is on a week's holiday so Sarah and lily filled the hole, luckily they were free as I wouldn't have got through service without them.
We had fun and all shared a Chinese last night through the gratuities we earned.
So today I am starting a new week, seven days at the stove of which I will enjoy every minute.
Then next week I am cooking Monday and then handing over the kitchen and my keys on Tuesday.
I am comfortable with decision, truthfully it is opening the door to the opportunity to earn more or less the same money for less hours a week and a great deal less stress.
I am finally looking after myself first and foremost and as a result my family will benefit.
Tonight we close earlier and I will be able to reward myself with a steam and sauna on my way home.
Addiction sits and watches, praying for the opportunity to try and re enter into the forefront of my mind.
Just for today I won't be leaving any doors open.
That is enough.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs,

Good to hear that all is well, keep fighting, keep living the life you want. That gambling demon is always ready to jump on our weakness. But now you are stronger.

Good to hear about handing over the keys, glad to hear you are not overdoing it. You are a real grafter and I am sure you will throw your energy into your next project.

Great to see you going after what makes you happy. I salute you sir!

Paulds

Morning dear diary.
Paulds thanks for popping by, your words humble me greatly.

So I got through a 75 hour working week, it will reward me next week when I get paid, although the taxman will take a fair sized chunk, but I accept that and will take the rest and spend it wisely.
I will start a new week today with the same gusto, I will equally do what I did last week, I still got to the gym four times and I am without doubt feeling the benefits of that.
I always thought the effort spent there would leave me exhausted and running on an empty tank but it actually has the reverse effect, it seems to wake me up from deep within.
I have started eating better, well not really a change in diet but eating at better times, not trying to eat a meal at eleven o'clock at night is a good place to start!!
Because I then don't sit up for the next two hours waiting for it to go down.
So I have been taking a break at work and eating, even sitting down to do so, not something that I have ever done, like many chefs you get used to standing on your feet all day and any food is eaten on the hoof.
I have also found that by eating a meal at a more sensible time I get to sleep more so I have a better cycle.
Lol its only taken 44 years for me to learn that I am allowed to look after myself!!
Addiction, active addiction doesn't want you to care about yourself.
I gave wholly to it for long enough.
In return you get to run around an ever decreasing circle chasing your own tail.
I see addiction down the bottom of that hole.
I will watch it, I won't turn my back on it.
It will remain alive and in my control that way I can always counter its calling and react with an educated choice.
I will be up and at em shortly, even the lure of a sneaky hot whippet who found his way into the bed won't keep me in bed..
Well maybe one quick cuddle lol.
I will live by a choice, one which will serve me well.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.
So I am on route to the pub to work the lunch time session, lots of bookings and not enough staff, I am very tired but know that I will be in a better place mentally by putting in a few more hours.
Ordered a new tumble dryer this morning, the old one had seen better days and was very uneconomical to run.
This purchase is the result of the effort given to work and not to the fookety f****k of gambling.
That is inspiration enough.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning dear diary.
Another busy week of work and a couple of long days graft ahead. I got myself to the gym four times this week and feel so much better for the effort.
Tuesday sees the last of our kids out of their teens as callum turns 20. Also he shares his birthday with Mr blue who turns ten on the same day. I will be taking the day off so I can cook up something delicious for the both of them.
Sarah has booked her theory test for her driving and her instructor is happy with her progress to date, I am so proud of her and know that by her learning to drive another door will open for us.
Addiction still lurks in the background, it wants action, I have gambled three times since I began writing here and the first was around this time of year when I thought I would be able to buy something for callums birthday that we simply couldn't afford. Not this year, I know the value of every penny we earn and I equally know what that punt brought.
Self loathing, financial damage, emotional upset for the folk I care most about and worst of all I became isolated again.
I have learned a great deal about myself in my time here, I do believe that I am a better reflection to the world as a result.
I equally understand that this is a never ending development.
That is inspiring.
Just for today I will not gamble
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Nice one Duncs, it’s always good to look back at the bad times , it reminds us painfully that gambling is truly damaging, causing far much more than financial damage, the times you and your family have now are more valuable than anything and well done my friend, you are an inspiration to us all, ave a good’n. Guard Up , Bobbyj / rainman

Evening dear diary.
Rainman thanks for popping by, I am deeply humbled by your kind words.
So today I woke up with a dark cloud over my head, I know its the result of a few factors.
The clocks changing last week always has had a detrimental effect on my head space, I sleep very little and my body clock struggles with the gained hour, I find myself awake at four am, staring into nothing and my mind starts questioning itself.
I have been at the pub all week, seven days graft, I stepped in to fill a hole, that hole will exist again next week.
Sometimes it's like groundhog day.
I have to stand strong and say no.
I have to look after myself.
Emptiness is a feeling I have lived with throughout my life, I know what that sinking feeling does, depression is for me a road with no junctions, there is no way out of an episode, I want to shut the door and hide, I want the ground to swallow me up.
So what is different.
Today I have spoken honestly to Sarah, our amazing children and for the duration of my episode I will do what suits my mind.
I have left work early had a steam and sauna and am enjoying a quick pint of the black stuff whilst I type the inner feelings of my mind.
I will head home soon.
Most of all I will keep myself safe.
If my mind is still fighting itself in a day or two I will seek the advice of my GP.
What I refuse to do is run.
Because in black and white I can never let myself ever get to the place I stood 500 days ago, because I know that I may not be granted the opportunity again.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I respect that.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

Good evening. As always powerful words in your diary posts. Raw, emotional and truthful. For those reasons you have my utmost respect.

When i arrived here several years ago my mind could not fathom the true meaning of what you were saying.

Today.your words resonate through me with power and honesty.

Respect young sir

Morning diary.
Balance my dear friend I am so pleased that you are enjoying life without the self destruction that addiction brings.
So dear diary I have a day's work ahead of me at the pub, fireworks night, a display and a huge bonfire laid on by the owners and I have a bbq running to feed the crowd.
Which means that I won't have the kitchen door to hide behind I will be in the public eye.
So I will strap on a mask and professionally do what I do.
I have cleared my schedule for the following few days, I will allow myself some down time to, rest, sleep and do what I can to lift the fog from my mind.
Truthfully today I would like to climb into the cupboard under the stairs and hide from the world, that's been my answer to episodes of depression, to run and hide but I know that results in a deterioration of my mental wellbeing, equally so does walking through the doors of the bookmakers, something that I haven't done for 500 days.
I will face my inner self, I will gladly take the help of the amazing people around me and I will ride through my current emotional state to a place where I can again find calmer waters.
I have learnt a great deal about myself since I stopped running from myself or escape from myself through feeding addiction, I have grown a resolve as a result and most importantly a desire to live.
Today I don't want to die or be dead, something I view as huge progress as for my entire life when these episodes of depression occur I have sort comfort in the thought of the ultimate escape, to end the inner turmoil through taking my own life.
Recovery has opened the door to the opportunity of a better more peaceful life.
For now I will hold tight and sail head on into the storm that rides through my mind, for I know that there is calm on the other side.
Just for today I won't run, addiction would love the opportunity to capitalise.
I will heighten my blocks and keep myself safe.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on yet another 500 gamble free days Duncanmac!

I am absolutely delighted for you.

Your presence on this forum continues to inspire us all.

Personally, I could not possibly quantify how many of my own days of abstinence are attributable to your frank, yet undertanding, words of support and positive influence.

Sorry I have not yet replied to your last and caring post on my diary. This will follow, but know that it landed at a real time of need and was the source of much comfort.

I cannot thank you enough.

I will be sure to be toasting your health tonight Duncanmac. Here's to the next 500!

Best wishes,

Markman