Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening dear diary.
Alan it is great to hear from you and yes I will pop by next time I am in the heart of the city I love.
Today has been a good day, I have had a very productive day, all be it a day off of sorts.
I have arranged more work with a new contractor and will be pursuing that avenue for the foreseeable future.
I have been loyal to the folk at the pub but I have sacrificed my own needs to forfill theirs and I have to change that.
The new chef is more than capable and one thing I have learnt about cooking professionally for me is it's an all or nothing job, not something that I can play as a bit part.
So after many months of stalling it will soon be pastures new.
I am grateful to be able to have choices today, I spent so many years of my life chasing losses that I had to stay in various jobs regardless of what it was doing to my mental health.
Equally today I got to spend time with my beloved wife and bills got paid, we shopped for groceries and went to the gym.
We had a lovely supper and took the hounds out for a long walk.
To many folk I understand that this is a normal day.
From the place I have come today has been exceptional.
For that I am humbled.
I made a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Sounds like a great day Duncs! Simple things in life are the best.

I agree. Sounds like a fab day

DMac,

Thank you for that very powerful message you posted on my diary. As honest as the day is long always.

I enjoyed reading your post and can honestly say I instantly felt better afterwards. My previous message was me simply trying to communicate that I have always been able to bounce back and find some inner strenght and motivation to do better but for some reason I am finding this difficult.this time around. I am not considering gambling or considering that it is O.K. for me to gamble. I know that the act of gambling can only make things worse and it is not on the menu today.

Probably, you are correct to say that I am suffering from a gambling hangover. It was only a week ago that I came back on here to report that I had been gambling and experienced a terrible two day period.

Preparations for today started last night. I got to bed at a decent time and had a decent sleep. I got downstairs a little earlier than normal this morning and had a healthy breakfast before walking out the door. This is something that I never do. Tonight I will try to fit in a short run just to let the fresh air flow through my body.

Thanks for your support and thanks for taking the time to look out for me and to pick me up with your words.

Tomso.

Yo, just touching base . Been a few times when I was gonna post in reply to your posts but struggled logging on and gave up . Today decided to set up new account and once again become part of the gamcare family. Not due to a relapse but feeling vulnerable so thought I would be proactive , can’t do any harm . It’s looking like things are going pretty well for you , and you sound as upbeat and positive ( which is infectious ) Anyways just wanted to say yo , keep on keeping on my dear friend . Shiny 🙂

Evening dear diary.
Shiny thanks for popping by.
So I had another busy weekend at the stove, an anniversary shoot dinner to cater on Saturday which brought the kitchen staff an ovation from the guests of and another busy Sunday lunch yesterday after which I got to enjoy a couple of pints with our eldest and a burger which was nice.
Today I deep cleaned the pub and did a few lunches then got to cook for everyone at home, with the exception of our baby boy who is into his second week working away in Ireland.
I am laid on the floor watching the fa cup game with my beloved hounds.
Off tomorrow and labouring until the weekend after that.
So I can with pride say my glass is half full.
Next week I have a couple of hours booked in the chair, I haven't had any ink added since before Christmas, just the outcome of work taking priority.
I am happy with that.
Be kind to yourselves.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.
I read this morning that I have the ability to write positive words and it got me thinking as I wandered with the hounds over the top of my beloved portsmouth for the past hour.
I wandered without my brain troubling itself with the worries of the world, I walked in a state of complete inner peace.
Why?
Because I believe that I have nothing to fear today, there are no skeletons in the cupboard that I am hiding from the world or more prudently myself.
The day I walked to the village outside Chichester to commit suicide I was truly a dead man walking, I would have committed suicide if there had been any trains running of that I know.
I have been asked why didn't you commit suicide in another form, jump off a building, drown yourself, hang yourself??
Because in my warped mind that day I believed that if I were to try another form it would not be ultimate, that I would be left a burden to my family.
To walk in front of a train at a level crossing has a definitive outcome.
The day I decided to end my life pure circumstance meant I couldn't.
I believe that day I died, I left a part of my life at that crossing.
From that I no longer care for the things I cannot change or control, not in the fashion of my entire life before, the fookital attitude of a compulsive gambler, who would do the most disturbing and dispicable things without care to feed addiction.
I today live with a completely different uncaring attitude.
I don't fester about what the world thinks of me, I don't want to be the man on the other side of the fence, I understand the power of choice.
From that life is manageable thing.
I have the ability to solve problems, I have the ability to pay my dues without procrastinating about the where's and why's.
The last time I gambled in a bookmakers I didn't go in there on the back of some hope or whisperings from addiction that I would walk out with problems solved.
I walked into the bookmakers to lose, I deliberately wanted to create a situation where I had no return.
I left a part of my life in that shop that day.
I was broken to the point where I couldn't see straight, I had played and lost and feared I had lost beyond return, the things money cannot buy.
Today from that I owe a debt of gratitude to a great deal of people because although I had given up others had a belief and the knowledge that things were possible.
Today I walk a very different path, today I don't believe I carry the baggage of my mind which denied me to see.
Addiction will be there, I am not naive to that.
In fact I welcome it's presence.
I understand it's purpose.
I choose life today.
No problem is insurmountable, more over I have a choice which problems to face and give time to.
So I write positive words because I have the will to.
Today I make a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo, your post touched me , I too many a time felt that ending my life was the only way out , that I was powerless to stop, that I felt such shame at not being in control and my family who I had let down terribly we’re better off without me . What stopped me I have written on my thread .

Having walked some of this journey with you , I know that although you are positive in your posts/ outlook , that it’s not an easy ride . That you too have your demons ready to pull you back if you let them , but you have once again built a wall which you reinforce daily with the support of your family .

Respect Duncs

Shiny x

Duncan,

I hope you are keeping well my friend.

You let 600 days go by very quietly and modestly (as ever).

A congratulations is very much in order!

I am so pleased you have made it this far and continue to show Nemesis who is boss.

Best wishes,

Markman

Hey Dunc

Thank you once again for your thoughts and feelings... Such a powerful medicine for any CG gracing these shores.

I swung by your diary today because I thought about you and now it almost seems fated after reading such powerful, candid and inspiring words.

The reason I thought about you was because I cooked a meal today for the first time in a long time... I haven't had the energy and focus to do so since entering recovery. It was supposed to be a simple means to an end but ended up being quite a spiritual experience.

I've been feeling quite lost lately but for the duration of the cooking I felt connected to myself for the first time in ages. Planning, preparation, controlling the outcomes, meticulous attention...
I know it sounds like I'm talking about gambling now but that was my point really... Maybe I gambled to feel connected to myself (albeit temporarily) and today discovered a way by which I can feel that connection without the consequence of empty pockets and a trail of devastation in my wake.

The best bit was bringing joy to my wife as she enjoyed the meal and also enjoying the fruits of my labour once the meal was completed (something I was seldom able to do after gambling).

Maybe cooking is a vessel by which addictive tendencies can be channeled creatively and constructively - and for the greater good, of the chef and those around him who enjoy the meal afterwards.

Just wanted to share this experience with you anyway. Maybe you'll tell me I'm talking b******s ha ha - but if anyone would understand what I'm trying to make sense of here I reckon it would be you, hence my visit to your diary :o)

Again, your previous post was such a powerful post. The perfect finisher to compliment and magnify my cooking experience :o) take care mate

Ps. massive congrats on +600 days too!

Afternoon dear diary
Thanks for your kind words they go a long way.
Signalman fella I wholly relate to what you wrote, truthfully without cooking in my life I know things would have gone south far quicker and in a hugely worse way.
To cook professionally has been a constant saviour in my life, it for me provides a form of escape that is unharmful. It drives me, no two days are the same, and all my aggressive tendencies disappear leaving me to concentrate.
I have moved to much smaller premises this time and I don't cook full time, because cooking full time for me entails roughly one hundred hour weeks, it's so easy to become entrenched and with that other problems arise.
Today I have a day off, we were supposed to have some time in the chair but we had to move our appointment to later this week, instead we have been to the gym and are now enjoying a drink in the sun.
I am going to cook up a storm for the tribe after, curries the order of the day.
Then Sarah and I will try and find something new to watch on Netflix, the punisher will take some beating, our latest series watch, lol compulsion saw us watching three episodes a night...

Addiction has gone back to the shadows, I know it comes and goes.
I keep my eyes open to it.
I will never turn my back on it, I respect the power it can reap.
Enjoy the sun.
Keep making the choices that don't fooketkety f***k your life.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon dear diary.
It's been two weeks since I've posted, truthfully I have been busy working, spending time with my family and filling my days with some good memories.
In the past couple of weeks our lily has turned 23,Sarah failed her driving test, callum has returned from working in Ireland and I had a few hard days struggling with a sore chest, running nose and a head that pounded, one afternoon I felt so rough I put myself to bed.
This week I will be on full alert, Cheltenham always gave a reason to spend hours in the bookies. I understand that addiction has tried in vain before to get me back in action by means of this meeting.
I have no intention of waging my hard earned and will remain close to my diary as I know the power it gifts.
This week brings work every day, that in itself is another good thing for my resolve to live a life without the devastating effect a visit to the bookmakers would bring.
Just for today
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening dear diary.
Well my dear friend I have negotiated a week where addiction lurked in its corner of my mind, trying to tempt me to feature in the bookies to punt on the goings on in the town of Cheltenham without giving to its call.
I filled my days with work, time spent with my beloved wife and my family. For that I am proud, I know that every day of the year bar one there is racing, that other events will always offer the opportunity to gamble but Cheltenham is a meeting that is ingrained in my mind, from a very young age it was offered as an event were form and an educated mind could offer large financial reward, but I am wholly aware that it just offered me the opportunity of funds to put into the fobt.
And whatever gains that could be made through that meeting they would be far outweighed by the losses brought by featuring in a bookmakers.
I haven't used the forum as a crutch so much this week as I would have liked.
Why??
Because again the negative feeling around the forum that again has appeared, the in fighting does nothing to bouy my resolve, in truth it just breeds anger and contempt.
Why when we have all lost so much there is for me still an undercurrent of folk trying to out trump each other beggars believe.
I have a belief that this journey is truly bespoke, that one size simply doesn't fit all, that by accepting this is something far more powerful than hen pecking another's personal choice to what flower your own journey.
I believe that the industry that we all gave a great deal to read these pages with interest, to gain a better understanding of how the compulsive gamblers mind functions and as a result of the infighting they must love what they have read this week.
The outcome is the only point of focus for me today, and that's to read that folk are abstinent and change the way they live as a result.
How they get there is never the same, from every journey I take what helps and the rest I have the utmost respect for, nothing more nothing less.
I came here needing to see that a life without feeding addiction could be a life of greater value.
So many good people unconditionally gifted that.
For that reason I simply wish the same opportunity for anyone one who seeks it.
I am no better or worse than anyone, I refuse to judge, I know how damaging that can be.
I accept that folk disagree, it can be a very healthy way to live.
But there's surely a way to offer your views without it leaving a feeling that you have been trumped.
I will live for the choices I create.
Today I chose
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

DMac,

Fair points. I played a major role in the nonsense of the past week and I’m not very proud of myself for that. I’ve read through some of my posts and I’m quite embarrassed to be honest. I should know better.

I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.

Tomso

Hi Duncs

I do hope you are doing well. I have always found your words helpful and admired your honesty and commitment to recovery. I hope you will soon post again. You are very much missed.