almost 40 years addicted

Hi Ken

Its been a while just wondering how you are. Please let me know if everything is ok.

Stay Strong

AL

All good thanks AL, been a little tied up with work the last week or so.

But probably more importantly, I have got back into doing some tough exercise after having a little niggling calf injury.

Did a 15 mile run / walk yesterday as I'm trying to get my endurance up. Even though I live in a city, once I'd done about 3 miles, it was rural  for the next 9 miles and hardly came across anyone bar a couple of dog walkers.

You must be moving inexorably towards the 300 day mark.

Stay strong my friend

Thankyou for posting on my diary Ken. I appreciate your advice and support.

Congratulations on your continued good progress. Nearly 300 days since you last gambled.

I wish you well as you continue on your journey.

Thanks Stephen.

I don't really count the days anymore. What is important is holding the memory of my last afternoons gambling.

What is even more important is that each day when I wake up, I say to myself;

'Just for today, I will not gamble'

I can't tackle all me problems today (the debt will take 4 years), but if I don't gamble today, then I'm moving at least in the right direction.

Posted by: K2

Gambled at school, firstly on the arcades and then football accas and racing bets in the days when a 15 year old could easily walk into a bookies and place a bet.

First went to GA back in the late 1980's but couldn't make it stick. Much to my regret

Last bet was August bank holiday monday. Lost £1100 in a couple of hours - mainly horse racing which has always been my biggest weakness.

Have finally registered with Gamstop having had online accounts running into the hundreds over the years.

Managed 67 days clean earlier this year but lapsed and went 'on tilt' (as ever).

In a fair amount of debt (£35k) and I'd describe myself as a 'coping compulsive gambler'.

All the debt is down to betting and probably carried that amount for a dozen years or more.

Lost jobs down to being distracted by gambling to a ridiculous extent.

29 days clean

Scarily these could have been my words. 

Thanks ricks.

It's only when you come on here or go to a GA meeting that you realise how common your situation is.

Posted by: ALN

Excellent post. Similar position and similar time frames. My last day I'd spent 5hours doing my brain in and over £4k in cash that I'd won over the previous week.

Headache, shaking with frustration and anger and decided enough was enough. Rolling on 300days. Class of August 2018!

You know what ?

I'd lost more in gambling binges than that day, both in financial terms & in terms or jobs and education - but I have the most vivid memories of that last horse going down, walking to my car parked nearby and driving home.

My usual routine would have been just to start looking at the next days card & markets on the computer , thinking when I get paid and how was I going to juggle my debts, maybe get another credit card.

Instead I just felt sheer relief. I just knew I was beat.

I'd simply had enough.

Must have closed dozens of accounts in the past, used time out features countless times, usually for 30 days, only to start again (and again) - self exclusion isn't everything, but for the life of me I can't comprehend people not excluding for 5 years. I used to get a dozen emails a day with various offers - you don't stand much of a chance continually getting those temptations.

Days don't matter but I can guarantee the one thing I do on my 1 year anniversary will be to ask Gamstop to reset the clock for another 5 years.

At roughly 4pm on Sunday it will be 300 days since my last bet. This from spending hours and hours everyday either gambling or looking at the form.

Stopped many, many times before - barely got past a couple of weeks.

The biggest difference ?

1) Just knowing that I'd had enough, more than enough, an absolute belly full

2) Self exclusion & GAMSTOP - I know this. I can never have a bet again. Win or lose, I know I won't be able to stop again. Win and I will want more, Lose and I will feel so disgusted with myself that I will gamble just to forget.

3) Support on here ***

If I go through my old bank statements online, I can see there are months when there are up to 20k of deposits / withdrawals from assorted on line accounts betting accounts. That doesn't include the regular diversion to bookies on the way home.

I've still barely touched the debt and probably it will take me 5 years to clear it, but I don't stress about it, I'm just trying to live as normal life as possible

Back in August 2018 I had 1 outstanding loan, 6 credit cards (mainly for the money transfers), 2 bank accounts (one just purely for gambling) and a joint bank account with my wife.

What kind of madness is that ? 

I have plenty of other issues to sort out in my life, whether its family or work, but I know I can only address than if I stay stopped.

**** when I opened my 2nd account on here, I spent plenty of time reading other peoples posts on here.

4 people stuck out who all stopped within a few weeks of each other.

Alwalm, ALN, Signalman, and Adam123

Some were older than me, some a fair bit younger.

Some were horse & sport fiends like me gambling everyday for years & decades, some were "binge" gamblers suffering horrific losses in a short spell.

Some can write posts that make me laugh and cry within a couple of lines.

Some I had a fair amount of interaction, some I just mainly knew through reading their diaries.

All either directly or indirectly helped me, particularly in those first 90 days - whether they realise it or not.

I've always said "don't invest in someone else's recovery", but to be honest, I would be devastated if any of them slipped.

I'm still thrilled when I come on and see that they have posted something.

I miss ALN who I think has closed his account. I hope he "lurks" sometimes. He will always be in my thoughts when I ponder my recovery steps.

Alwalm, ALN, Signalman, Adam123 - I couldn't have come this far without you.

I wake up everyday and say to myself "Just for today I will not gamble".

And I go to bed with a degree of contentment if I have got through another day, despite what else life might through at us.

My names Ken and I'm a compulsive gambler. My last bet was 27th August 2018.

Wishing everyone the peace of mind that not gambling brings you.

Hi K2 .

Huge congratulations in advance of Sunday Ken on your 300 day's of getting your life back and claiming all that comes with such a huge effort on your part . 

Be proud buddy and keep on doing what's working 🙂 

Best wishes 

Alan  

Hi k2,

Congratulations! It's an epic achievement and I hope you are very proud of yourself. Recovery is not an easy path to walk and I take my hat off to anyone who walks this path to freedom.

Have a great weekend. 

Hi Ken

Also wanted to applaud your efforts as our 'class of 2018' moves towards a whole year of freedom from this horrible affliction.

It's been a pleasure and privilege walking this path with you and the others - like you I dread to think what the outcome would have been for me if I didn't find any companions/allies on here to support me in the struggle - especially at times when life seemed devoid of meaning or just plain empty... But at the same time it has also been great having people around to celebrate achievements and share stories with... often I have found solace and inspiration from the stories and reminiscing yourself and Al partake in from time to time - and the frank honesty you both possess has considerably helped me along the way.

I hope we can all continue this journey together way into the future and continue to celebrate with each other as each of our lives transform into something more magical then we could ever have imagined or hoped for.

All the best ?

Hi Ken, 

Congratulations on 300 days GF, what an achievement. We were babysitting last night & 2 little ones trying to kill each other as we speak. Think we'll get them to the park & hopefully run some of the energy out of them. It'll be good for them & really good for me too. A far cry from the days when i would be sitting here on my own wondering what meetings are on & how i'm going to recoup yesterdays losses, whilst my wife takes them to the park by herself. Life's so much better without gambling.

Stay Strong

AL

Congratulations Ken on 300 days without gambling.

Excellent is the word that comes to my mind and I am very happy for you.

Wishing you success and happiness as you continue on your adventure.

Thanks guys

Spent most of the weekend verging between being incandescently angry with my daughter for something she did and thoroughly depressed at my failure as a parent for most of the last 20 years. I could barely communicate with my wife, and barely able to be in the same house as my daughter.

Woke up this morning in exactly the same depressed frame of mind, and to be honest it's the worse I have felt in close to 10 months of being clean, the kind of feeling I would have dealt with in the past by spending hours gambling on the horses.

Reading a blog by fellow Gamcare member  russ_789 has basically snapped me out of it - I should have been disappointed with my daughter (basically she passed a golden opportunity up because her friends pulled out, and she probably lack the confidence to do things on her own), but my anger, depression, not speaking to her (or my wife), isn't going to help one little bit.