And so the self loathing begins.....

It's all doom. I been 10 years. These do help, but want it. I will support you! x I want it! x Definitely the first step coming here. Speak tomorro hoping a better day! x It will be!

Hi Sillycow, and you're not btw; we've all been there and don't do yourself down because ... You are starting again and this time you are going to do it.

Why? Because you want a good Christmas, stress and worry free and to do that you're going to get your life back. One day at a time!

Heres something that can help; there a site that can ban all online gaming sites. Isn't that great? Details are on the forum pages. You'll find em!

Day 1- I will not gamble today!

Credit cards cut up and binned....this is my biggest issue, I play with money I don't have.

Self excluded from every site I've ever been.

Today will be easy, I don't want to gamble, I hate gambling, but I've been there many times and EVERYTIME those feelings subside and I forget the misery & despair until I succumb to the urge & it starts all over again.....not today!

Thank you Peter & Mixer for your kind words......

Hi M,

Sorry you're feeling so low, when I say we've all been there, I mean it. Everyone on this site (apart from the friends and family who have a different type of hurt), we've all felt the way you are feeling at the moment. I was you this time last year, I had been gambling on online slots for about 6 years. This is the first Christmas in 7 years that I haven't blown my November salary. It can be done, you just need to find the right way for you. I don't know how much you've looked around the site, but in case you haven't seen it, Gamcare can arrange free face to face or telephone counselling for you you, to get to the root of why you gamble in the first place (which is key in my opinion). There is a live chat section each day, where you can talk to others who are going through exactly the same as you and may be able to offer advice. There is also of course GA. The one thing that each route to recovery must have is an absolute commitment that you want to stop gambling, otherwise undoubtedly, it will fail. You sound like you want it this time, which is great news! Use the triangle to help you, money/time/location - take just one of those away and you can't gamble. Glad you've cut up the credit card, if you also have a debit card and you gamble online it is advisable to either report the card as lost, and when the replacement arrives get someone else to scratch off the 3 digit cvc code on the back, or you could get a bank account that doesn't allow online transactions of any sort, a few banks do them (I'm with Nationwide). Be open and honest with your nearest and dearest, let them know what is going on, if you read some diaries, you will find that all of the people who are succeeding long-term have owned up. It's only then that your f & f can support you, it's often said here on the f & f section that the lies and deceit is the thing that is most painful to them.

You can do this, stay positive M!

Twinklyr x

Great words Twinklyr; really good practical tips, really getting into the gambler mindset and using it to help STOP gambling.

Sillycow, I wonder if you can change your name to DeterminedLady. Because that's who you are now. Forget yesterday and all the self-loathing and all that stuff.

We are where we are. Time for practical steps and stopping for good. For good.

Just thinking; no longer are you going to waste time talking and clicking to a computer program that takes your money!

No longer. You are getting your life back! And the support network on here is unbelievable.

This is your Day 2. Day 3 tomorrow - no problem 🙂

Thank you for posting in my diary folks, just knowing there are people like me out there is comforting....comforting to know I'm not alone but at the same time it's horrifying... horrifying just how many there are struggling with this terrible addiction...so many lives destroyed.....and all for profit!

No urges today but hey ho....this is what i do.....i'll be safe for a few days as I'm in that state of mind that comes after losing yet again....if I had a £ for every time I've said "never again' then I'd be one very wealthy loser.....so with that in mind i'll just say "not today".

I've been reading a lot both here and other websites about the reasons we gamble, what causes us to become so desperately addicted? Scary stuff to me because so much of what is said mirrors my life.....from my abusive alcoholic bully of a Father to present day....forced to give up a job I loved through ill health....no self worth left.....too many regrets & so much time to get down about it all....all this is really making me think....and think....and think.....

Today I did NOT gamble....Today I am a WINNER.

M

SC, you are indeed a winner. And a winner today too. I'm writing this as a statement of fact because I know you are not going to gamble today. That's the spirit!

Here's some food for thought.

Gambling is used as a bit of a comfort blanket for some because it is a bit of escapism away from all our problems.

But it's an extremely destructive comfort blanket actually. Just think, we've been giving money to a soulless computer program! That is all online gambling is! Soulless, solitary, and sucks up all your money! Not at all helpful and simply adds to your problems.

We need to deal with your problems and issues another way. You may wish to try counselling. I'm in fact seeing a Gaming counsellor every Monday. SC, it helps! And it's free. You may wish to consider going for it through this website. Once a week for 13 weeks.

You are choosing life over misery. One day at a time.

Thanks Mixer, you have no idea how much your support means to me, strange how we can gain so much from the words of a stranger on a website forum....I've joined your thread We CAN and we WILL...

Dear Diary

Sunday 11th Dec

Didn't sleep very well last night, so much going through my head, and over thinking everything to the point of despair, I have to stop that, I worry and worry and worry to the point that I get so low and end up with the stupid thoughts that inevitably result in me hitting those dreaded Slots just to give my mind peace, to try to forget....and of course it works for a while, until the money is gone and yet again the despair & over thinking comes back 10 times worse...not today....no my little cartoon enemies...not today!

M x

Excellent, SC, and you're right, these make-believe soulless cartoon enemies aren't going to beat you today. Or tomorrow for that matter. I'm delighted you're sticking to this. You can y'know, and you ARE.

WCAWW!

Welcome to the Forum M (Sillycow),

You have taken a positive steps by accessing the support of others here on the forum. Talking about it and beginning to understand your own reasons for gambling will help you to overcome and change the problem behaviour.

As mentioned in a previous post from another person here on your diary, you can access our counselling services, please feel free to contact one of our Netline Advisors, or call one of our advisors for free; 0808 8020 133

Thank you

Take Care

Forum Admin Team

Thank you Admin,

While I realise that Counselling etc works well for many , I just don't think it's for me...I have never been able to 'share' personal issues with anyone, it's my biggest fault (apart from gambling) , my friends & family see me completely different from the person I actually am, I learned at a very young age how to hide true feelings & keep pain suppressed.....so for now anyway, I HAVE to try and do this on my own, this is why I'm so grateful to have found this forum, it's only been a couple of days & already I'm feeling just a tiny bit better about myself and my ability to conquer this curse and that is a Start....baby steps but steps nevertheless.

Dear Diary....well I say goodnight my friend, today has been a good day. Joined a group of amazing people & I actually believe that if I continue to come here everyday then I can stay on track, we each & everyone of us have our own demons but none of that matters, the past doesn't matter....it's all about moving forward....strangers supporting each other.....how amazing is that?

We CAN and WE WILL

M x

Hi there SC,

Welcome to GC. So glad to see you're reaping the rewards of this site & sharing the support with likeminded people...keep this up, every little helps ☺

re your thoughts about counselling. I was exactly the same to start with. Nobody should of know how i felt and nobody had a right to look inside my soul. I was the one to carry the pain and i was dealing with everything in my own terms. ..but..how wrong was i? I let it all manifest in me over the years, i looked for a way out with harmful addictions, i suffered deep down lying to myself that i am able to fix myself. After all..i did so for so many years huh.

Until one day i couldn't handle no more. Couldn't handle myself and addictions took a peak point. Where i felt empty, lost and powerless over my life. I had to ask for help. I did. I got help. I accepted it. I shared my story. I opened my soul and showed the world my wounds.
Not easy but was worth it. I got a lot of understanding about myself and was given directions how to follow my path in life going forward.

It wasn't perfect and certainly painful, but it has teached me more about myself and life than i could of asked for.

Please don't discard support which is out there only because you think you're different to others. You're not different, you're struggling human being, the same person who deserves happiness and peace as every single one of us.

Keep reaching out, face the paper tiger in the eyes, it won't hurt you. Your strengh is far greater than your fears.

Wish you all the best. Start with being kind to you...wellbeing is priceless ☺

Tiny one step at a time.

Stay safe

S x

Hopeful soul.....

Tears are pouring right now, thank you so much....your words have truly touched me x