Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan, good on you & thank-you for coming here with this! Your honest 'ramblings' are as important to me as a fly by of support because it says it how it is! I have seen very critical judgement on the older diaries of people not living in the gutter because they are still able to get even more credit but this addiction costs us much more than money! We all have our own 'rock bottoms', the point we realise that we must fight this addiction before it takes our life! We voice that having debt is the root cause of our continuance but truth is amongst those hundreds of posts, many people have recovered much of that debt, if not all & yet they are dragged straight back down into to the abyss! Reality is, it's just as likely another excuse we give ourselves to justify our poor decisions! It has taken me a long time to understand that this addiction is not just financial but I am getting there thanks to the honesty of fighters like you!

Once again, thank you for still being here after all this time & not giving up on us! Keep fighting - ODAAT

Heeeeyyyyyy Sisterrrrrr!!!!

Yup, we are in this together huh..slips happens but that's what they are - only slips. You made very good point by looking at the bigger picture there and just look, not long to go till that debt is cleared so as much as we're bettering our financial situation in the process (let it be going backwards time to time) we have rewired our brains for recovery. You might not notice it yet, but you actually changed 100% from a lady which started recovery journey all that time ago!
As i said earlier..what next? ..hmmm..back in the saddle i suppose and time to start screaming & kicking again! I'm right beside you - unconditionally!

And may i just add that little ((((J))))

thanks ODAT and Sis

Diary:

The mind f**k, the mind f**k, the mind fookity f**k f**k f**k...The mind f*****g I give myself. The mind f*****g I take trying to understand the well meaning thought processes of others. The mind f**k of the games designed to f**k me out of my money. The chemicals, horomones, and magic that make me ... well, me.. f*****g with me regularly as well... Poor me. Ha ha ha.. I don't believe that there is one single answer. Everybody has their beliefs. I have my beliefs. At 55 I am no longer a Catholic, a Christian, a Feminist, or any other ism, ist, or ian. The truth seems to be a room of broken mirrors. The the only truth that I can live up to is that I am me. Some days overwhelmed by all of the noise. Some days the silence is so deafening that I want to scream. Some days the panic comes in electrical waves and I can feel buzzing from my toes to the ends of my silver hair. Other days I feel so close to jesus, that we could be twins. Ha ha ha... f**k f**k fookity f**k.. To gamble or not to gamble. That is the question. I am a free b***h. I make my own money. I pay my own way. I ask nothing of noone. I can do as I please. OR: I am a rationalizing self serving coward deserving of nothing. I am each of the seven deadly sins strung together and worse. OR: I am Joan. Spirit stuffed inside the flesh. Stuck. Gravity weighs me down. My wings have been clipped. I feel everything and want to feel nothing at all. I want to sit and suck my thumb. I want to eat until I explode. I want to numb myself from it all. OR, maybe do a little light housework or watch some T.V. Sit at the computer and type blah blah blah... That's what's going on inside of my head this fine morning. Ha ha ha... I think what I will do for the next 10 minutes is breathe. Juuuuuuusssssst breathe....

Interesting post, love it! 🙂

Fookity f**k

Thanks for your support... S.A 🙂

Spirit stuffed inside the flesh. yeeeeees. as always you write so eloquently what is trapped inside my head. Needing an oxygen mask to breathe (not literally) and as for balance in my life, think an elephant sits the other end of my see saw.

Please write more Joan, great waves of relief waft over me when I read your thoughts that someone is in tune with the simplest and hardest things in our lives.

I have verbal constipation yet again but off abroad to meet up with my ex so hoping my tongue will losen by the time I return and free my mind along with it.

Til then will be thinking of all my friends and waving from a different waters side. xxx

Hi Sis,

Meteor shower with shooting stars huh...☺...miracles can happen in front of your eyes if you choose to see them.

Not sure how you feel about the challenge, and never pressure Hun, just letting you know you're missed...very missed in fact and hope you are bein kind to yourself.

So sorry about the dealy in replying to ur email...i wish it was shooting stars this way lol..its kinda other way round but like everything...it passes ☺

Look after yourself ok..and remember I'm here with you, holding that rope tight...unconditionally

Sandra x

No worries Sis.

Dear Diary,

"Hello darkness my old friend..... I've come to talk with you again..."

I suppose, I have been sitting alone in the dark this past month. Isolating. Maybe waiting for him to show up. August reminds me of Ed. He took off to see the Wizard and he never came back. He needed something that could not be gifted from that little black bag. He needed something more... He boarded his hot air balloon and flew straight into the sun. All I know, is that I miss him.

"institutions, death, and jail!!!!!" .....

"Who will save my soul?????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the lies that I have told!!!!"

Yes, I gambled last night. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

And still...

The dawn came. It was quiet except for the whirring and crackling sound of the old airconditioning unit hanging from the kitchen window. The sky was grey and silent. I felt a glimmer of hope in spite of it's suffocating sadness.

I am no stranger to sadness. I walk with a sadness that has dogged me since I was a child. Sometimes, I find myself eating about it. Sometimes, I hollar at people who do not deserve to be hollard at. Sometimes, I cry without cause. Somtimes, I gamble. Somebody once told me that I was "a nothing". And, I believed that with all of my heart... My adult life has been about trying to undo that belief. It took me years to get to this place...

Recovery: I keep hearing that there is only one door open to me, and I wonder how that has become such a popular belief?

Anecdotes vs. Hard Science.

Fookity! Regardless, of the judgement. I write. In spite of the fact that I fell. I choose to write. I have the audacity to feel ok this particular morning in spite of the fact that I gambled last night. The "work" is, in getting up again, and facing another day. Hitting the replay button and making a serious attempt at identifying cause. Maybe come up with a reasonable plan. The point being to avoid making the same mistake again.

"institutions, Jails, and Death" !!!!!!!

And yet, I did get older and maybe a little bit wiser.

It is possible to break a habit.

The challenge lately, seems to be convincing myself that the habit no longer serves me. I am making a choice. It's like deliberately driving a bus into a tree and then claiming that I was somehow powerless. I can't help myself? That's a lie. How is that I have the power to do it but, do not have the power to undo it?

I gambled last night. I drove the bus and again,headed straight into the tree. I then, had the balls to wake up again. Good Morning!! It's Groundhog Day!!

"They say we're young and we don't know

we won't find out untiiiiiillll we grrrowww.... "

"I got you babe"...

-joan

Apologies Joan but I couldn't really follow your post. Hope your're ok and good luck in your recovery.

Hi Sis,

I get it...yup i do.

Why don't ya drop me a line and we can chew on that cud a little.
The main thing is you are back here and standing and that is what life is all about. We scream, cry, rage and shout - but we never give up on ourselves!

Am here - unconditionally as always

Sandra x

Ps. Just read that "Dreams" poster again...just read and get the belief back..you're worth it!

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all (all)
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you (ooo)
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

Just back from the freedom in the wilds of Spain where the monkeys feared to tread but back a day and they chitter chatter in my head.

Aint groundhog day no more Joan its a neeeeeeew day especially for us.

Hugs and waves from the riverbank in the dark. xxx

...and one from me 🙂

https://youtu.be/mAwehFqIiiE

Can't sing but f**k that! 😉

S x

I get your post Judy...

"Groundhog day".... with a big spoonful of sadness and nothing.

...and so the sun rises once more...

I appreciate your thoughts as always... S.A 🙂

Thank you, DragonFly, Sis, and Dear S.A. -- I respect and appreciate your thoughts as well.

Diary:

Hmmm. My thoughts.. My thoughts... That's what I thought. But, like the song goes "these words on MY DIARY are screaming out loud and YOU will use them however you want to"..

Have at it...

at your own risk of course...

This is a guilt free. Shame free zone!

I quit drinking hard whiskey in the early 90s. I was on my way to an early death for sure. I attended AA meetings. I remember a man coming in one night. Stinking of booze. Dirty. Curled up in a chair. Sleeping. Snoring a couple of times during the lead speaker's "share". A few of us pointing. A few of us smerking. A few of us looking down our noses. A few of us laughing under our breath. The lead stopped. Pointed at US and shouted. THAT MAN IS YOU!!

Today, dear diary. I am grateful that I am not that man today. But, if I see him again, I will always be compassionate. I will always offer a kind word. That man will ALWAYS be me.

Dear Diary. My Diary. The beauty of you is that nobody, needs to understand what I am talking about. Sometimes my thoughts are disjointed. Sometimes confessions. Sometimes riddled with denial and self pity. Sometimes rage. No worries. I will never erase anything I write down... and a word of advice to any self appointed jeezuzes feeling the need to walk across the waters in an attempt to save my soul. I'm not affriad to say that the lepers in my head are my problem.

Dear Diary.. See what I mean? Lots of uncensored thoughts here. Do I feel better now? You bet I do!

Let me see... how many days has it been since I have gambled? I don't know and I don't care. I am not gambling now. I am writing my crazy thoughts down in this d**n diary... Once the thoughts are put down they can no longer "threaten the life they belong to"....

Gambling for me is a problem. Just like whiskey was so many years ago. Whiskey took my brother's life. I did not let it take mine. Some days I experience survivors guilt. I miss him every day.

"where did I go wrong,

I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness

but, I would have stayed up with you all night

had I known how to save a life"

I too have lived with addiction all of my life. I suspect I will for the rest of it. MY words on this diary ARE screaming out loud today... and you are entirely welcome to use them however you want to...

I am happy to be alive. I am not a perfect person but, I know how hard it is to believe those words some days. For all of my friends who continue to struggle today. Strength, honor, and respect! -joanxxxx

Hi Sis,

Sooo good to hear ya keeping your head above the water ☺
...and using your diary for YOU as we all are. I like to read between the lines...sometimes i write like that myself..it's like secret code only i know lol lol

Keep being yourself Hun,keep surfing those waves..calm will be there sooner or later..you deserve it, that shining star up in the sky is worth it! You little angel is more than worth it!

Be kind to you and keep talking hun

S x

Dearest Joan,

Thank you so much for your kind supportive post on my diary.

I may have had a big op last Saturday, but so far it hasn't affected my memory quite that much. Of course I remember you!!! It really is so nice of you to drop back into my recovery with your kind words and support, especially in my current predicament eh!!! Haha. ;0)

I''ve just caught up with your last few posts and want to offer you all the very best on beating this addiction. We both well know what a b*gger it can be don't we. If you can use my example as a positive, and it helps you. Read my diary from Nov 2014, up to today. You well know I had a recurring theme to my relapses for years, and never quite did it did I.

But now I have, after 7 years of being on this forum, and if I can help anyone else and get them to see that recovery IS possible it would be such a great feeling. You deserve it Joan, you really do. I can relate to having that horrible feeling of self worth. It's not nice is it?..... It's hard to turn it round and feel good about yourself when you have low self esteem.

I just hope and pray that you find the inner strength to get through 'one day at a time' and slowly build up your recovery again. I won't preach advice to you, but I know that you have it inside you to turn this around and Change habits that led you to gamble.

Take care and keep strong Joan.

I'I'm rooting for you, with all my (new) Heart!!! ;0)

Take care

Ade xxxxx

​Ps: I just cried my eyes out at the lyrics of 'Bridge over troubled water' by Simon and Garfunkel, that dragonfly posted on your diary. God I love that song, I always have. And in my current state, I just sang it to myself in my hospital room and the tears flowed. Those lyrics are truly beautiful. Xx