Angel From Montgomery

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I did not want to take that walk. I wanted to sit inside behind closed blinds. I wanted to sit with my dark thoughts and brood. I wanted to tell myself that the only thing that would pull me out of this rut would be a good stint on a noisy slot machine. I pushed myself a little and got out the door. Once out and on the path, LIFE gifted me: a deep endless blue sky. A gentle breeze. Sunshine, as the man once sang, on my shoulders and in my eyes. And, when it danced on the water it did look so lovely! A passerby and elderly man, who cheerfully waved and called out, "look at you with all of that energy! Have a lovely day!" All of this was mine. All I had to do was push myself a little in the right direction. When I am in addiction I read posts like this one and want to throw up. Ha ha ha. I get it now. Here's the thing. If I want to sit with my wounded self and pity myself all day with the blinds drawn shut and tell myself the only cure is a gamble; Then that is what I am going to do regardless of all of the well intended words of fellow diarists. I once read something about " not casting one's pearls before swine" and thought to myself; now that is not very nice thing to say. In fact that's down right insulting! But, again, here's the thing. We can change the word swine to kittens and it still means the same thing. Kittens simple don't know what to do with pearls! When we know better we do better. We know better in our own time. We learn, we grow, or we don't. To all the folks who are keeping on I say, continue to do so! For those of you who wish to hurl because my sticky sweet words make your guts wrench with nausea I get it! I have been there too. My wish for you is that you find the peace and clarity that is yours for the taking. You won't find it at the casino today. I promise you that. -joanxxxx

........(((((((((Joan)))))))))

Just cause i can 🙂

Keep venting, keep being you my dear dear Sis over the pond!

Yeeehhhaaaaaaa!!!keep the fookers on short lead and enjoy that sunshine! Cannot beat those 😉

S x

Thanks Sis.

Morning Diary:

When I am not in the action, or in full addiction change happens. My life does not become an instant bed of roses. Same sh it different day as far as I can see. But, without the distraction I notice that I begin to change. For example, last night some douche tossed a glass liter bottle against our field stone retaining wall. There were large chuncks of glass all over the street and smaller peices littering the curb. No rage. No drama. No need. Just get the broom. Sweep it up onto a shovel and chuck it out. Done and done. This morning LIFE gifted me a little mess. Nothing that I could not manage on my own. I keep thinking of that song by Snow Patrol: Chasing Cars. "Forget what we're told before we get too old. Show me a garden that's bursting into LIFE." Maybe there is no big plan. Maybe it is all that it is. I am what I am. I'm on the ride. I cannot control it but, how I look at something is completely under my control. "If I lay here; If I just lay here would you lay with me and just forget the world..." I guess I have spent a very long time chasing cars around my head. Now, I just want to stop and take it all in. Whatever IT is. Not always what I want. Not always what I expected. Sometimes very disappointing. Sometimes excruciatingly painful. Then maybe I just feel disappointed. Maybe feel the pain. Until that little mess is all cleaned up. It's nothing I cannot handle. Done and done and so on, until the next one.

And, so it goes... I'm not happy all of the time. I don't think anybody is. Those faces on facebook are just touched up magazine images of who people want us to think they are. I believe I have been very happy at times but, may have been too distracted to notice. Maybe "being happy" is overrated. Today, do I dare say I am better than happy? Today, I am present and I am calm. -joanxxxx

Joan

Thanks for your share yesterday, it carried me through a hard days graft.

Keep gifting yourself the fantastic therapy.

Writing is a truly wonderful gift.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Right back at you Duncs!!

Morning Diary:

Today, LIFE gifted me this forum for which I will be eternally grateful for. There are times, when I read a post that invigorates me and then there are posts that illicit feelings of disgust and anger. These are the posts that I sometimes perceive as coming off as arrogant or rude. Although, I wouldnt characterize myself as being either arrogant or rude. I have at times, been both. When I see this behavior in others and it triggers a visceral response from within me, then I know that this is me looking at my own reflection again. Maybe I am feeling some residual guilt or shame. I try to remind myself that there is no need to feel ashamed of past mistakes or of being human for that matter. I remind myself that resentment is like the woman who sits down to a glass of poison and drinks it and then waits for her enemy to die.

For every wrinkle that LIFE gifts me that I overcome

For every hardship that LIFE gifts me that I stand up to

For every point of adversity that LIFE puts before me that I am able to move beyond

LIFE gives me wisdom.

Everyday, it will always be something. Something is not nothing. If I have the choice between passing judgement or letting wonder pass through me. I would have to choose wonder because with judgement comes the burden of needing to be right all of the time. I cannot be right all of the time and besides that, I am not in charge of another person's moral inventory. So, LIFE gifts me every day and I receive with gratitude and without judgement. That way, I am always inspired and hopefully a little bit wiser. -joanxxxxx

Hey Sis,

Lovely post as always..life is for living eh? Yes indeed!
Enjoy little things, they will complete big picture in your journey ahead 🙂

Hope all is well with ya, keep posting girl

S x

Heyyyyyyyyy sister!!

Just thought i drop by and bump your inspiring diary back where it belongs - first page 🙂

Hope all is good in your world

Take care

S x

Thanks Sis..

Diary:

I havent written in awhile. I think about it alot but, have been a little in the dumps and have been having a rough time focusing. We had a brief stint a couple of weeks ago. Not a major relapse. But, broke the longest streak of abstinence ever... I don't hate myself for it. We did it. It's done. We didnt go back. We didnt break the bank. Not going to lie to myself and say it was a harmless flirtation. It was extremely risky behavior and we came dangerously close to having to start all over again with the insane urges and insanity that inevitably takes over when gambling on slots. I know that gambling and overeating does not solve problems. Is no cure for sadness, anger, frustration, boredom... I have the best partner in the world. I have alot to be grateful for. Lately, I have been consumed with worry. Obessing about health. Watching cancer eat away at my 7 year old niece has been hell. I feel helpless. She is in remission but, will need to go twice a week for the next 2 years for intramuscular injections because she was allergic to one of the chemo meds. One in each thigh for twice a week for two years.... Her favorite song is: Fight Song. I was visiting with her on Sunday and she sang along with the video. I smiled and high fived her.. When I got home that night I sobbed. I am trying to stay upbeat and positive about this whole thing. I am aware that kids do better with treatments and have better outcomes than adults. I'm just scared and worried and angry and frustrated.. -joan

Hello Diary:

No visits to the casino since the last slip. That's progress. I am thinking about the old days. I won't say good old days... but, a time when we used to say things like, "you can count your true friends on one hand". Not, the cast of thousands you see on facebook pages. That said, I must say: Thank you Rach, and Sandra!! I was living some very dark days. You have challenges of your own and yet you took the time to help an old girl up and get her back on the road. Old twisty road that it is. When I got to work the other day I could not get my key to turn the lock. Apparently, they have changed the locks and only these digitalized key cards will open the door. I had to be shown how to do it. Ha ha ha.. I prefer old school. Metal keys that turn locks. Pretty soon nobody will say you hold the key to my heart. It will be a digitalized card and perhaps a retinal scan or maybe a chip... who knows. I prefer the old fashioned ha ha ha over the Lol. I still say please and thankyou. I heard an old James Taylor song the other day and I wondered what happened to songs like that? Songs about highways, or states of mind. It's all about the booty call today... ha ha ha.. At a time where instant answers are what's on tap. I still wait my turn, and sip slowly, because the truth is change will come but, very slowly. Patience is still a virtue. -joanxxx

Hey Sister!!!!!!!!!

So good to see you about again! Is it me you mentioning? Lol..if so....Huuuuge hug from me and Rach ((((((((J))))))))
You are never on your own sweetheart, we all are here ready to hold that rope so you stay safe and secured in your journey!

As of old school...d**n, i would b lost without keys! The way we have to "clock in" at work is kinda funny also lol..they sort of take your palm and scan it.(good job I'm not criminal lol).more less James Bond 007 going on lol lol..bring bk old good cards where you have to pierce it lol

Keep staying safe darling and as i said, only you can bring that sunshine into your world! You're worth it!

Sandra x

Hi Diary:

No more pay check stubbs coming in the mail. All electronic now. I get it. Save the trees and all. It makes sense I suppose. Keeping up with all of the change is what keeps me on my toes. I seem to be waxing poetic today. Ha ha... Good mood? Nah, just no longer paralyzed with fear. It happens. The good news is that I did not gamble or over eat about it. Yeah, we had a slip. It was minor and no financial harm done. More importantly, we did not experience a downward momentum as a result. We just got up and moved on. I have not lost any more weight but, I have not gained weight as a result either. I understand S.A. 's edge. I live there most days myself. But, hey. We live. It's not all about the punt anymore. 24/7 urges and bu l l sh it ting ourselves and the folks we claim to "love". Every day I am reminded that I could empty out our account. I know that I/we will never be cured but we have come along way. Next month I will be a member of this forum for 3 years! I am a proud member. I have made some friends here and for that I will be eternally grateful. I am a lifer. And, that's ok with me. -joanxxx

Hiya... good to read that your not paralyzed with fear and good to read that your a proud lifer... just like myself ;-).... I am 7 years into my sentence lol

As far as writing goes, mine happens in fits and starts, but i always read and digest the handfull of diaries ive always followed. Strength in numbers. Stick together and all that.

As you say, patience is still a virtue

Regards... S.A 🙂

Hi Sis,

Thank you for your kind wishes and so good to hear you're roaring like lion in this battle of life.

Tiny steps forward girl, we will get there in the end!

Have a lovely and safe weekend, look after yourself

S x

Morning Diary:

I/we fell again. It seems like we got as far as getting a handle on not using credit to gamble with. We have access but, manage to draw the line at using it. We got as far as not allowing ourselves to use money allocated for mortgage and bills. So, all I can say is that at the three year mark we are still unwilling to commit completely to stopping. We cannot control ourselves once we start. We know this. We don't want to stop. I hate the way I/we feel when driving home from a stint. Silent. Sad. Minds filled with fantacies about winning. We never win. We never stop. Minds hatching schemes for how to get our hands on more of our cash to feed into the slots. Cash that would have been saved for more important things. So, why do I bother posting here? Why don't I join the ranks of those who stopped posting because they think that they have said it all? or, because they are ashamed to say here I go again. I guess because I need to see myself walking in a circle. I read a post on here somewhere.... the diarist wrote that in his opinion folks failed because they go from step 1 to step 12. Skipping all of the steps in between. I must agree on some level with that because I don't post on many diaries anymore. I fear the judgement. It isnt always harsh. It is oftentimes subtle. But, it's there. I live with or along side lots of sheeeit. I believe I am doing the best that I can. I post on this diary for myself. Three years ago I started this journey. My partner and I got ourselves into some serious debt. We have less than a year now to pay it off in full. Like a 5 year sentence in Shawshank prison. I am paying back my debt. I read on here somewhere... the diarist wrote that folks like me are not serious gambling addicts because I have not lost my property or a job or a relationship as a result. I try to stay away from B.S. like that now, because, there is a monkey on my back that would love to believe that kind of B.S. to be true. Ha ha ha. P. and I are definitely gambling addicts. We lose time. We lose ourselves. We stand to lose alot more. We have lived and we have learned. Whats the point of this ramble today? I guess to mark the day. To draw a line under the moment. To say to myself and anyone else out there in the free world that I/we fell yet again. We have to fight the mind f**k all over again. The money can be replaced but, the time cannot. -joan

And, another thing... or two.. What I want to say to myself today. To the part of me that feels like dog sheeit. The part of me that feels unworthy. The part of me that feels like a helpless hopeless loser. The part of me that has become addicted in some ways to this forum that will pretend that not getting replies does not hurt her: Sweetheart: This latest fall and subsequent loss of time and cash does not negate all of the progress that P and I have made around this addiction. Here's a hug. You are a strong lady. You are a sane lady in a nutty world. You go off track sometimes and that's o.k. "This above all, to thine own self be true". ((((((((((JOAN)))))))))