Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan... glad your back with your thoughts and occasional verbal diarrhea.

Like you say, no people pleasing. Say it as it is. Pig in muck

Regards... S.A 🙂

It's admirable you acknowledge your jealousy Joan, but high fiving IS annoying.

Ironic high fiving is sadly making a strong come back at my work. Tsssk

Thanks for the pop-ins fellas!

Good Evening Diary:

Quick note to self. It's called the "you spot it, you've got it phenomenon." Gonna do some reading about that.

Ha one of my friends favourite AA/GA quotes and one that most certainly holds some truth Joan. What is a person showing me about myself that i dont like. As addicts we tend to try to fix others rather than work on ourselves, easier isnt it. I see so many people come through the doors of GA who spend their time trying to fix everyone else. The pages of this forum are full of examples of the same. 2 stepping! You yourself have taken that option, classic job choices, teaching & nursing ( the 2 most common jobs i have seen in addicts). Time to concentrate on what makes Joan happy maybe? Worth a try.

Good Morning Diary:

And, thank you Dan. It is quite the gem isn't it? Went from Nursing to Trainer, and there's one more! I have my 81 year old mother with me now! It's funny because one of my work mates ( recovering alcoholic ) asked me once, " joan, did you choose nursing school when you were in addiction?" Ummmmm yes. Yes, I did. Ha ha .. I'm soooooooo afraid to take the steps toward doing what makes me happy. I have stalled my whole life. My comfort zone is pain. I know it sounds nutz but, there it is. Lots to think about today. Poor ol Diary. I'm off the entire week. Wait until I start on the relationship between me and mom. Ohhhhh Boy!!

Hi Diary:

Why do I fall down so much? Why can't I just "get it?" The thing is, I kick one habit and another one pops up. Smoking -done. Drinking- done. Over eating a constant battle because complete abstinance from eating isn't possible. Gambling on slot machines? my latest addiction... Just cut it out! Be strong!! Use the triangle! Go to meetings! Done done done and done. You don't try hard enough! You aren't committed like us! This time, I'm digging deeper. I'm going for the core baby! The thing is: I'm tired of nurturing the false self that I have been trying to uphold my entire life. If I set my mind to it I can be: gods cheerful giver or the worlds champion of all champions twelve stepper. But, I would be a fake and I would know that. I would rather lie in muck ( 😉 thanks dear SA) than be a fake. It takes too much energy trying to be someone I am not. Soo I'm digging deeper. This diary may not be everybody's favorite read and, that's ok. Maybe not at first because my fake persona thrives on attention and praise. "She" believes she has to be perfect. I don't. So, I'm a leper who plans on healing from the inside out...

Unclean! Unnnncllleean! That's one way to clear out a saloon! I'm also a believer in action so I'm gonna start with a book I have tried to read ohhh about a dozen times now. Taking the Leap - Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron. Sounds new agey... Huh.. Maybe it's time for a new age.

Interesting.... Stephen King once wrote" sometimes being a b***h is all a woman has left to hold onto." That's from Dolores Claiborne. Anyway, Pima says that being a b***h might be a habit. She goes on to say that habits are like clothes that can be put on and taken off. Folks are inclined to hold onto habits because without them they might feel naked, exposed, groundless or lost. If underneath it all I find that I am a b***h than would I feel better and more resolved as an abstaining b***h? For me, and I underline the pronoun ME (pronoun?) Right, anyway for me I might feel more resolved letting go of being a b***h first. Then, abstaining might become second nature. I don't have to kill the b***h I just have to let her go. Easier said than done when one is a woman oooh with a past, in this man's world.

Joan, as to your diary not being everyones favourite read!
It has always been mine. No airs or graces, no people pleasing, just a true account of one persons struggle with addictions. A gift that helps me no end.

Day 1 of letting go of the angry b***h.

I'm going to miss her. After all, she was there from the very beginning. Since then, a frozen statue memorializing my righteous indignation. After all, I had a right to be angry. I had a right to point in judgement at the original addict and perpetrator. My dad. If he were here today high fiving about his achievements I might need an entire village of monks to help me with "Quiet body. Quiet hands." Lol. But, I digress. I have to say goodbye to her because although she may have served me well as a child I have come to understand she no longer serves me well now. I am safe now. He is long gone and what is in the past is truly in the past. I need a quieter mind now. I need serenity. Maybe the itch won't bother me as much with a calmer mind and a more open heart. Maybe tomorrow I will be humming "the b***h is back" I'm gonna work on it. No promises but this time I really feel like I'm at a real starting place.

Hi Sis,

It's funny how we react to things . ... i sometimes haven't got a lot to say but silence can speak volumes as you know girl.

Keep talking...i am selfish b****h, but through my selfishness i want to witness your progress in yourself & life...f**k gambling...there are more important things in life to concentrate on...for example - YOU!

Spooky, I was just looking to see how you were getting on & have just noticed your post to me...The apology is all mine my friend!

This is your diary & I should have realised you would consider it was directed @ you & come over straight away to explain my post! I am clumsy with my words & it was a heartfelt 'apology' to everyone who is struggling & a plea for people who are to try new things!

You have inspired me throughout my journey & as with my Sesuo, I wish you could see in you what I see!

People who have hurt others like I cannot & will not begin to imagine are not even worthy of being called animals but like terrorists strike in the name of 'religion', those bleeps strike in the name of 'love'! It confuses the mind of a child & causes them to believe they are the bad guys, that they deserved it, they asked for it even, wanted it to happen...It's BS! I know that because it's never happened to me so I see it in black & white without the blurry lines of confusion, I can forgive every victim for being confused, I just wish it were that easy for them!

Keep pushing for that quiet my brave brave friend...You will find it one day!

Thank you ODAAT

As, I sit here in my puddle of pee. I think to myself I have been here before. The only difference this time is the shame didn't stick. In order for me to ever heal I need to keep my heart open. Fear bubbles up. It starts with an autonomic nervous response ( my pulse quickens). Thoughts flood my brain. If I attach to the fear then I go with the impulse. If I go with the impulse the cycle continues. This time when I opened up my heart to let everything in I reminded myself to let everything out. Nothing stuck! Sounds lack luster but, the reward was the feeling of having a heavy weight lifted from my chest. The Archie Bunker part of me wants to slap the ears back of the part of me wearing an orange robe this morning but, I'm used to that.

Thanks for flying by. Always good to hear from you. I know my words hurt sometimes. But they are not designed to be hurtful. I have a faith in you that someday soon things will begin to fall into place. Lean into the discomfort my friend it is the only way to find balance x

Sis!

I sit in my pee also :-/ (bladder issues)
Now..no way I'm remarkable person..i am me ☺..confused of the aspect of life but getting those strings untangled one by one and hoping for the best! Hope never dies - beauty of life me thinks 😉

Look after yourself & be kind to you